Scott quickly steps out of his bed, throwing on whatever clothes are in his reach. His heart is beating at a hundred miles an hour, his forehead feeling hot.
"Where are you? Are you at home?" he asks in a voice that's thick with worry.
"No… No, I'm not," Liam cries. "I couldn't stay there. They… I told them everything and Scott… Scott, the look on their faces…"
"Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay," Scott attempts to shush him. "I'm coming. Just tell me where you are." He's already fully dressed and out of his bedroom.
It remains silent on the other end of the line and Scott thinks that it would be a real dick move if Liam decides now is the time to shut Scott out again. No. No, he wouldn't do that. He has to answer. After everything they've been through, Scott refuses to give up now. His legs twist in awkward angles as he tries to keep quiet on his way down the stairs, scared to wake up his mom. "Liam?" he asks as he picks up his two helmets, phone pressed between his ear and shoulder.
"Scott, I don't think I can go through this again…"
"Where are you?" Scott just repeats, stepping into the cold air and closing the front door behind him. His breath forms small clouds in front of his mouth. He hears Liam sniff and repress a sob, so Scott repeats his question again, but this time there's a pleading undertone in his voice, "Just tell me where you are…" He jogs to the edge of the road, putting his helmets down on the pavement, and runs back to get his bike.
"The lacrosse field," the answer finally sounds.
Scott briefly shuts his eyes, puffing out a relieved breath. "I'll be there in ten," he assures him. "Just…just stay where you are, okay?"
Liam hums softly.
Scott wants to tell him not to do anything stupid, but he's scared he might put ideas into the boy's head, so instead he reluctantly kills the connection and gets on his bike.
Trees and houses rush past him and in a blink of an eye he's at school. In the distance, he can see the faint contours of what's supposed to be his boyfriend. Scott takes off his helmet and tosses it over his steering wheel, the other following after it.
Liam's sitting on the bottom row of the bleachers, head falling forward, mesmerized by the grass under his shoes. Scott runs up to him, his heart still beating against his ribcage. His boyfriend looks like a limp pile of hopelessness and if Scott thought seeing him on the verge of cutting himself was bad, this is definitely worse. When he reaches him, Scott instantly gathers him into his arms. Liam's hoodie has an invisible layer of cold on it, which Scott tries to brush away with his hand. He hears him sniff, so Scott assumes Liam's crying again, but Scott doesn't know what to say. What should he say? "Hey, how are you?", "I'm glad you're still alive", "I love you"? Yes. Yes, of course he loves him. Of course Scott loves Liam. Oh, God… he loves him… And of course he has to realize that now. He isn't going to say it. Not here. The moment has to be nice…and perfect. Like when they first kissed, after their first date, when they went swimming for the first time, when Scott opened up about his dad for the first time, when he realized how crazily in love he is for the first time. It should be like that. Like a sum of firsts. Special. Memorable.
"They know," Liam whispers, pulling Scott out of his thoughts.
Scott squeezes him.
"Let's go home, okay…?" he offers. "It's warm and we can talk there."
He can hear Liam swallow. "I… I, err…" his words come out in small puffs of air. "I hurt my ankle."
Scott loosens his grip so he can look down at Liam's feet, which actually look normal. "What happened?" he asks, confused.
"I twisted it."
"How?"
Liam huffs out a breath, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth.
Worry grows on Scott's face again. "How did you twist your ankle?"
"Don't be mad…"
"What?"
"Don't be mad."
"Liam, what happened?" Scott accidentally slips up. He has never sounded so impatient.
"I fell."
"From what…?"
"The floodlight."
Scott's eyebrows knit together and he looks up. The moonlight draws out figures in the darkness of the night and Scott can just about make out the steel handlebars on the pole. Maintenance workers use them to climb up to the lights when they need to be fixed, he knows. There's a small platform under the lamps. You can just about see when you're standing underneath it.
And then Scott realizes how Liam had hurt his ankle and what he had tried to do.
"They read my suicide note." The boy's voice breaks.
Scott swallows, thoughts racing through his mind. "Your…" He clears his throat. "Your note?"
Liam shrugs lightly. "I wasn't going to actually do it… It was just… I used it to vent."
Scott licks his lips, humming softly to let Liam know he's listening, but, again, he doesn't know what to say. He kind of wants to ask what it said, but he doesn't. He doesn't because, right now, his boyfriend had actually taken a solid step towards ending his own life and that's too much and Scott doesn't really know how to deal with that, because once upon a time they were looking up at the galaxy and the next moment Liam is falling from it and Scott's meant to be the ground, but isn't. He isn't as big as the ground. He's not the world and he can't catch Liam.
His eyes have now fixated on the steel bars. Liam had probably tried to reach for the bottom one and fallen when he couldn't. They were placed too high up and you needed a small ladder to reach the first one. It was probably placed like that on purpose for people who might try to…
…People like Liam.
"Can you walk…?" Scott finally asks.
The boy nods and they get up, Scott supporting him with an arm around his middle. With Liam leaning on him they can just about move, even though it's very slowly. To be honest, Scott doesn't really care. He wants to go home. He wants to go home and sleep. His stomach has that weird fuzzy feeling that makes him nauseous and he just wants to forget about this night already.
He manages to get Liam on his bike safely, helmets on their heads. After he has kicked the bike to life, Scott's careful as he accelerates, scared he might throw Liam off. The boy's grip on his hips is not as tight as it has been before. It's loose, and naturally Scott wonders if that's because Liam's mad at him or if he's tired or…anything really. Anything except for the possibility that he's doing it because he wouldn't really mind being thrown off onto the asphalt.
Scott's stomach makes another flip, and the feeling of nausea boils in his stomach. When he takes a deep breath he smells the coldness of the night again. A frozen smell that he can only describe as sharp. Weird. Everything about this night is weird.
Once back at his house, Scott helps Liam up onto the porch. He moves his finger in front of his lips, motioning for him to be quiet.
Which proves difficult, when your boyfriend is limping up the stairs. Liam sounds like a pirate that has a wooden leg. The boy's moving in little jumps and every time his 'good' foot hits the next step and causes a loud bang, Scott screws his eyes shut, praying that his mom won't hear it.
Finally, they're at Scott's bedroom door and after Liam has limped in, Scott can hear the sound of creaking wood behind him.
It was too good to be true anyway.
"Scott?" Melissa asks, her curls a mess, rubbing her sleep-filled eyes. "What's going on?"
Scott flicks his eyes towards Liam, who shows an apologetic look. The teenager sighs and decides it's smarter to forfeit and be honest.
"Liam's here," he admits, closing the door and walking up to her.
His mom frowns, a questioning look on her face. "Why is he here?"
Scott sighs. "He called me. His parents have found out about his…" He swallows. "You know, about everything… He had written a suicide note and they found it." Then he hears how that sounds and he quickly adds, "Not an actual one! Just to vent! I… It was kind of my advice."
With every word Scott speaks, Melissa seems to wake up more and more. She folds her arms in front of her chest.
"So his parents wanted answers and Liam told them everything, but afterwards he was feeling depressed again and he ran away. Then he called me and I went to get him," Scott continues. "Is it…is it okay if he stays the night? I'm scared he might-" He feels tears stinging behind his eyes. "I'm scared he might do something stupid." In his mind, the sentence is ended by 'again', and Scott can feel his throat closing up.
"Scott," Melissa exhales, shaking her head, rubbing the upper part of her nose. When she looks up, Scott can see she's upset. "Scott, how could you bring him here after his parents found a suicide note?" she says. "It's in the middle of night. They must be worried sick!"
Scott's eyes have dropped towards the floor. He had not thought of that.
"I understand that all of this is very upsetting, but I expected you to have a bit more tact," Melissa says, moving back into her bedroom and taking the house phone from her nightstand.
Scott looks up. "W-What are you doing?" he asks, scared. "Mom. Mom, you can't call his par-"
"Of course I'm calling his parents," she snaps.
Scott backs away a little. Melissa sighs, regaining her composure before she says, "Look, he can stay here tonight, but I am calling his stepdad to let him know Liam's safe."
Scott swallows, nodding slowly. He whispers a quiet "sorry", before he turns around.
"Is she mad?" Liam asks after Scott has come in. He's looking up at him with a fragile look.
Scott shrugs, because he doesn't want to lie, but he also doesn't want to make Liam feel bad. Then again, he should probably tell him that his parents have been called. Or maybe he should just leave that for tomorrow, because it wouldn't really make a difference now anyway. It's not like Liam can run off and try and hurt-
"Please say something," Liam mutters.
"I don't know what to say," Scott replies. And that's true. He literally has no idea.
Liam nods, and Scott looks around his room uncomfortably. Every time his eyes fall on Liam he gets this awkward tension in his shoulders and his chest. It's the same feeling he gets when he meets someone for the first time; a sense of awkwardness. It makes Scott realize things have changed. They probably won't be the same again, not after this. Suddenly, Liam's depression is just all too real and where Scott has often wondered if he could handle it, he's now sure he can't. Liam seems a stranger to him now.
"Scott, I'm really sorry," Liam break their silence. Scott flicks his gaze over to him in a reflex, and is forced to face the destroyed look Liam's giving him. "I never meant… I didn't mean to hurt you."
Scott swallows, wiping his eyes. "I know. I know, you didn't," he answers softly. His voice sounds raspy and he's looking around his room again. "But I don't how to deal with this."
"What do you mean?" Liam asks.
Scott exhales a deep breath, and in that split second decides he needs to face facts. So he sits down next to his boyfriend – because he still is – and says, "You tried to kill yourself tonight."
Liam presses his lips together and shows a small nod, before looking up, smiling awkwardly. "But I didn't."
Scott cocks his head, and suddenly there's a hint of a crooked smile portrayed on his face. "But you tried."
They're finally holding eye-contact and Scott can feel Liam's soft breath grazing his chin. And suddenly there's this moment, a click, a bursting of their bubble, an epiphany, a breakdown; Scott doesn't know what it is exactly, but something pops and he and Liam simultaneously fall into each other's arms and start hugging and crying, because everything is a mess and what are they supposed to do but to just grieve about what has happened?
They let go of each other a couple of minutes later. Scott sniffs, and mumbles, "You're still cold. I'll get you some clothes." He gets up and rummages through his closet before picking out some things that are comfortable and warm. Liam doesn't protest, instead just pulling them on quietly.
"They're nice," he comments, flailing his arms. The sleeves have fallen over his wrists and normally Scott would have fainted from how adorable Liam looked, but this time he feels nothing but drained and empty.
"Let's go to bed."
Liam nods, looking around himself awkwardly and Scott knows what he's thinking. So after he has switched off the light, he crawls under the covers and pulls Liam with him. Again, the boy silently obeys and the next moment they are lying next to each other, back to back, hearts filled with mixed signals and cheeks sticky with dried up tears.
Needless to say, Scott has trouble falling asleep that night. He can hear Liam's soft snoring next to him. The boy must have been exhausted. Not that Scott doesn't feel tired – he just can't sleep – probably still too affected by everything that has happened.
His attention is drawn to Liam when he grumbles something inaudible and turns around. Scott's on his back and before he can comprehend what's going on, Liam has nestled himself against Scott's body. His face is tucked away in Scott's neck and he has his arm draped around his stomach. Scott pushes his head back into the pillow so he can look at his boyfriend. Asleep, he's nothing but innocence and peace – definitely not someone who's depressed.
Scott watches Liam's slightly flustered cheeks, his soft looking lips; trails his eyes along his strong jawline that adds a year of age to his appearance, which is then detracted by his overall, still boyish, look. Unconsciously, Scott starts carding his fingers through Liam's hair.
It is then that he realises how much he loves Liam, which is a lot. He must, given that he can look past all this horrible stuff and still like him. Not to sound self-absorbed, but if Scott is willing to be with someone who's depressed, it must say a lot about how in love he actually is. So what if they overcome all of this? Imagine how amazing life with Liam would be then. Scott has to admit, before tonight, everything has been pretty awesome. Their dates, the Valentine's Day presents, his mom meeting Liam, their hugs and kisses, Liam's laughter; all added up they're worth all this horribleness they're going through right now.
His train of thought is interrupted when Liam suddenly presses the air from his lungs. Surprised, Scott looks down, and sees Liam's face has scrunched up.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" he asks, confused.
Liam doesn't reply, but instead tightens his bit a grip more. Scott assumes he must be having a bad dream.
"It's okay," he says softly.
And while he's hugging the sleeping Liam back, Scott remembers exactly why he and Liam are meant to be together: they make each other whole. Scott helps Liam with his depression and, in response, Liam gives Scott purpose. Liam fills that hole his father had left there so many years ago. Just like Allison used to.
With that thought, Scott finally falls asleep.
The next morning is awkward. The boys are woken up by Melissa, who steps into Scott's room after knocking. Scott's glad they had apparently untangled themselves from one another in their sleep, and then sees the phone in Melissa's hand.
"It's your dad," she says to Liam.
The boy's face falls and he nods, getting up. His foot must be feeling a little better, because he's not limping as much as he was last night. Liam takes the phone and walks into the hallway, so Melissa steps into Scott's bedroom.
Scott sits up. "Mom, about last night. I'm sorry, I should have-"
But Melissa holds up her hand. "I know," she dismisses his apology. "I understand why you did what you did, and I don't blame you for that. I lost my temper for a moment, is all." She moves towards the bed and sits down at the end. Scott pulls his legs under himself. "At least you made sure he was safe."
"What did Dr. Dunbar say?"
"In the end he was grateful," his mother answers. "They were just about to call the police when I spoke to them."
Scott nods guiltily. "Were they mad?"
Melissa rocks her head from side to side, debating her answer. "I don't think so, no. They were just really worried. And they are still wrapping their heads around everything."
They look up when Liam comes back in. He gives the phone back to Melissa and announces he's going to go home. "My parents have stayed home from work and I… They think we should talk." He sighs, eyes flicking over to briefly catch Scott's. "And I think we should, too."
Melissa shows him a lopsided smile before getting up. "It's good to talk about things," she says, touching Liam's upper arm. "I can give you a lift on my way to work. Scott, you need to get ready for school."
Both boys nod and when the door falls shut, Scott carefully asks, "Are you okay?"
Liam licks his lips. "I think so…" he answers. "I mean, this conversation is going to be terrible." He scoffs, blinking away tears. "But I owe them an explanation."
Scott nods, getting up. "It's going to be okay," he tries to sound reassuring. "Remember, you can always call me." He wraps his arms around Liam, pulling him close.
"I know. Thank you."
Scott rubs his spine gently and, for the second time in the last twelve hours, a particular set of three words boil up in his throat. He hesitates, but ends up swallowing them down again.
Another time.
