Hi guys! Sorry this update is a little late. I live in Orlando and if you know about the goings on in the world, then you know my City Beautiful took a hard hit this past Sunday. It's been hard.
But anyhoo, here's a chapter for you! Thank you to everyone who reviewed/faved/followed! It really helps me keep on writing!
Chapter 3
Sunday morning came with a calming autumn breeze. Barry woke up early as he had to head to Star Labs to test out the changes made to the tachyon device. Five minutes after Barry left his house, he found himself flashing through the city to get to Star Labs, but instead of heading there now he was strolling through Central City cemetery. He doesn't know when he made the decision to come here but he realized that this was exactly where he needed to go.
Ever since his talk with Joe a couple nights ago, Barry had settled into a constant state of confusion. It felt as if his mind and heart were at war with each other. He wanted to deny it, he wanted to hide from it. He wanted to run back in time and stop Joe from ever saying it in the first place. But now that he's had time to think about it and did as Joe said and thought about her smile, he couldn't stop.
He was in love with Caitlin Snow.
Or at least, he definitely had feelings for her that were more than friendship. With that realization, Barry had felt utter joy, only for it to be taken over by turmoil when reality hit him. Not only did he love Iris, he was in relationship with her, and even if he wanted to see where these new found feelings would take him, Caitlin was dead. She was gone before he could even explore his love and that broke his heart.
As Barry stopped in front of his destination, he took a deep breath and read:
Dr. Caitlin Snow
November 23, 1986-May 23, 2016
You taught us many things in life
That we would have to do
But you never taught us how to cope
With the hurt of losing you
Withering flowers rested on her grave and Barry wonders who was there to visit her. Cisco had chosen the words and Barry can't help but think of how true they were. In fact, Cisco handled everything to do with Caitlin's funeral. He wouldn't let anyone else help. They had tried to get in contact with Caitlin's mother, but she refused to come. Cisco had told Barry later on that she and her mom never had the best of relationships.
'But still, how could she not come to her own daughter's funeral? How heartless could you be?" thought Barry as he was overcome with grief as he thought of all the pain Caitlin had to endure in her too short life.
Barry sat down and ran his hand over the grass that has already started to grow over where she lay.
"Hey Sweetheart. Sorry I didn't bring you any flowers. I wish I knew what your favorite ones were," Barry sighed in resignation, "I miss you. Cisco does too. Things have gotten better with us though, we're able to talk to each other about you now. Iris and Joe are Iris and Joe. They're always there when I need them. Wally and Jessie are doing well. Harry is trying to make sure they get along, but he doesn't like it when they, you know, get along, along."
He paused to let out a chuckle. Caitlin would have adored seeing Wally and Jessie fall for each other, almost as much as she would have loved seeing Harry annoyed with it.
"I wish you were here Caitlin. I need you here with me. Joe said something. Well, he said a lot of things but they all meant the same. He said I love you Cait. Not just love, but he said I was in love with you."
He looked at her stone intensely, as if it could ever replace being able to say this to her beautiful face.
"And he was right. I've had a few days to think about it. About your smile, like he told me too. I don't know what to do anymore. I love Iris, I do, but now I can't help but wonder. What would it be like to have you in my arms? To kiss those pretty lips? To have you look at me with love, the way you looked at Ronnie?"
He felt a surge of envy run through him at the thought of the man who got to feel Caitlin's love. It was immediately replaced with the guilt of feeling jealous of a friend. A man who gave his life for her, twice, something he couldn't even do once.
Barry felt a tear running down his cheek and hastily wiped it away. He pulled out the bowtie that he found the other day from his pocket. He couldn't leave his house without it.
"Look what I found. I'm so sorry I forgot about it. But now I'm pissed at you Cait. How dare you leave me before you could teach me how to tie this? You promised me! Now how am I supposed to learn?"
Barry decided right then that the silence is the worst part of losing her. The fact that he has so much to say to her, so much questions that he will never get an answer to. As he sits there, he realizes he has never hated the silence more.
"I don't know how to deal with this. I love Iris so much, I feel like I'm betraying her. But I can't help but miss you and think of you and all that we could have been. I need you to tell me what to do sweetheart. You would know what to do. I just, I need you. Why did you leave me?"
More silence.
A ringing of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts. It was Harry. He had spent more time here than he meant to. With one final glance at the grave, Barry flashed into Star Labs and was looking at Harry who had his phone to his ear.
"You rang?"
Harry shot him an annoyed look. He went off to go gather the equipment for the test and Barry noticed the other occupants in the room. Iris and Cisco were at the computers both wearing looks of amusement while Wally was looking at him in admiration. He'd been doing that a lot lately, looking up to Barry with that look. Joe says it because Wally looks up to him. Barry wishes he wouldn't.
"Hey guys, what's up?"
After the visit he just made to Caitlin, Barry found it difficult to act normal but he doesn't want Iris to worry nor does he want Cisco to backtrack.
"Nothing man, just here to help Harry monitor you. Dude, can you believe the changes he made to the tachyon device? You're gonna be able to go at least 20 times as fast as last time!"
It was nice to see Cisco excited about something like this.
"Yeah man, it's gonna be epic!" Barry and Cisco high-fived each other, and for a moment it was as if this past year had never happened.
"You know if you're not up to it today, I wouldn't mind trying it out instead," Wally said with an impish grin on his face.
"Nice try man, I got this one," Barry said with a chuckle, "You and Jessie can tear each other apart for the next one."
"Ahhh, that's cold man. You know she's gonna win."
"Only if you let her little brother" Iris said finally joining the conversation. She smirked at Wally who looked annoyed as any little brother would at his big sister.
"I don't need to let her win at anything she does a great job of it on her own." Wally said with a shake of his head and a fond smile.
"Yeah man? It has nothing to do with you not being, uh, focused enough?" Cisco, Iris and Barry loved teasing Wally about this. It always ended with Wally trying to stutter his way out of the conversation trying to say that he and Jessie were just friends. 'Yeah, ´ Barry thought, 'and Oliver Queen is just a reformed playboy turned mayor. Those two aren't fooling anyone.'
Before Wally could reply Harry walked in and placed the device down on the desk with a little more force than necessary. No way he didn't hear their conversation. As Wally started stuttering a question to him to defuse the awkward tension Harry was forcing on him, Barry went to change into his suit.
It took him less than five seconds but he took a moment to look at the bowtie again. 'Oh Cait…' Barry sighed deeply and tucked the accessory into the inside of his suit for safe keeping. He doesn't know why but he can't bring himself to leave it behind, even for a quick test.
As Cisco was attaching the device to him, Barry was mentally pumping himself up for the thrill. At least Zoom hadn't taken this away from him too. He still enjoyed running and the kick-ass feeling that surges through him when he beats his own records.
"Okay man, just go as fast as you can around the city for a few minutes and we'll keep track of how fast you're going." Cisco tapped his chest where the device was and headed towards the computers.
Iris came up to him and placed a kiss on his lips.
"I heard what dad said to you the other day Barry."
Barry looked into her eyes in shock. She- she heard?
"Iris wha- what? What are you talking about."
She pressed a finger to his lips "Shh. It's okay. We're okay. I just don't want you avoiding me like you have been the past couple of days. When we're done here today we'll talk about it, kay?"
Barry could only nod his head as he watched her walk away. What did he do to deserve her?
"Okay Allen, ready when you are."
Harry had given him the thumbs up to go. With that, Barry catapulted himself out of the room as fast as he could. He really didn't know which direction he was going; he trusted his powers and instincts to take him down a clear path. He saw his city blur past him in a flurry of wind and heat. Sparks went through his body just as they always did when he pushed himself this far. He could hear Cisco in his ear whooping at how fast he was going, he could practically hear Harry's smirk of triumph and Wally's look of awe. And Iris, beautiful Iris, congratulating him on a job well done. But there was something missing. A sweet, soft voice cautioning him not to push himself to hard and the proud giggle of satisfaction when he disobeys her and succeeds his goal.
Barry closes his eyes and lets his instinct take over. He goes faster still, ignoring his friends telling him that he can stop now. He doesn't hear them anymore; he doesn't hear anything anymore. Barry was no longer running for something, he was running to something.
And then he stopped. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked around. He was….in Central City? But it was deserted. No, this couldn't be his beloved city. 'Oh man, what the hell did I do now?'
"I was wondering what took you so long."
Exciting stuff is happening guys! Guess where our Barry is and who do you think is talking to him? The grave scene had me crying. I'm looking at about three more chapters for this story.
If you have any questions let me know! Please leave reviews!
As I stated in my first Author's note, I live in Orlando and this week has been absolutely devastating. I have a couple things I will be doing this week to help my community and then next week I will be on vacation (after everything that happened I feel guilty for going). The point is, I probably won't be able to update until the following week! I'll try for sooner but no promises.
Kisses!
