A/N: Sorry for this uber late update but I just got back from vacation recently. And not gonna lie but Game of Thrones has not left me alone all week! While I should have been typing away for an update, I was wasting away on YouTube and Google watching and reading everything that could possibly do with that show/books. But here we are, not too much later than I promised so don't hate me.

Thank you to all the amazing people who took the time to read and especially leave some kind and awesome reviews. To my guest reviewers who I can't message directly I LOVE YOU! Kisses to all of you! Also read my ending author's note to see what has me losing my mind!

So fair warning this chapter can be taken as cheesy but I like cheese. So there. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I only own Barry Allen in my head. Otherwise, ya'll know he and everything the Flash is owned by DC/CW/Berlanti.


Chapter 4

'Maybe I'm dead'

Those were the first words that came to mind the instant he heard her voice. Barry didn't move, he didn't make a sound. All he could do was look forward and wait for the voice from behind him to say something else. He did not dare believe that it was the voice he'd been yearning to hear for so long.

"You came all this way and you don't even want to look at me?"

There it was again, that voice. Barry took a deep breath and braced himself for what-or who- he was sure to see. He finally took the risk and turned around.

She looked beautiful, standing there not five feet away from him, like some kind of angel. Chestnuts curls loose and blowing in her face with a subtle smile that took his breath away; piercing brown eyes that felt like he waited an eternity to look into.

"Caitlin…" Barry let out her name in a whisper hoping that whatever dream this was he would never wake up from it.

In two big strides he had closed the distance between their bodies and engulfed her in a bone crushing hug. Feeling her warm body pressed against his, he couldn't hold back as a sob escaped his lips. Barry felt her hand running through his hair and it was enough to calm him down so he didn't completely lose it in front of her. He had no idea what was going on or how Caitlin was here but he found that he could careless as long as she was here, with him.

Barry doesn't know how long he stood there in her embrace but eventually he was able to pull back and study her face while resting a hand on her cheek. His memories and photos didn't do her an ounce of justice as he looked into her dark eyes. She was a vision. All he wanted to do was just stand there and drink in her soft features, the rest of the world be damned. She had other ideas it seemed.

"You sure did keep me waiting Mr. Allen."

This snapped Barry out of his Caitlin induced haze. 'Where am I? What the hell is going on?' Barry thought frantically as he looked around and remembered how…empty…the world seemed.

"Cai- Caitlin?" Barry started, "Where are we? How are you here?"

As Caitlin moved to step away from him, Barry planted his hands firmly on her waist, scared to let her go in case she disappeared. Letting out a deep sigh, Caitlin resigned to smoothing out the non-existent wrinkles of his shirt. 'Wait…Shirt? Where the hell did my suit go?'

"Barry," Caitlin started bringing his full attention back to her, "Where do you think we are?"

Allowing himself to look away from for a moment, he once more observed his surroundings. It looked like a park; in fact it is a park. The Central City Park to be more specific. But instead of the usual hustle and bustle of families or people walking their dogs, he and Caitlin were all alone. Not a soul in sight. It should have felt eerie, but all he felt was a familiarity and a comfort.

It dawned on him in one fell swoop; he knew where he was and with that realization there also came a deep burning fury. And suddenly it wasn't Caitlin in his arms but a cruel monster whose sole purpose was to cause him misery. Barry couldn't let go of her fast enough and took several steps away ignoring the hurt look that flitted across her beautiful features. The masochist in him couldn't bring himself to rid himself of her presence completely because it didn't matter if this…woman…in front of him wasn't his Caitlin. It didn't matter that this was just an image created by the Speed Force-because that's where he was, he'd realized-to mess with his head; he was still selfish enough to want to see at least some version of Caitlin in front of him.

"What the fuck? Is this some kind of sick joke? I don't care if I'm left to fend for myself in this god-forsaken place just fucking stop using her! You aren't her so stop fucking trying!"

"Barry it is me," she tried to close the distance between them but Barry stopped her advances. "I'm your Caitlin, I swear. I've waited so long to see you Barry it feels like it's been an eternity. Time passes differently here, you see. But it is me, I'm here. Just look at me."

Her voice sounded the same, the hands that she had finally managed to rest on his cheek felt the same and her eyes that were forcing him to look at her had the same swirls of brown in them that he remembered. "Could she really be here?" Barry brought his hands to cup her face as well reveling in the softness of her skin.

"If you're Caitlin, my Cait, then I must be dead."

Barry heard her let out a little giggle and he closed his eyes at the sound of it. That sounded the same too.

"I am your Caitlin and I am dead, but that doesn't mean you're dead Mr. Allen"

With that she stepped out of their little bubble and took his arm to guide him towards a nearby bench. As she sat down she sighed and turned to face him.

"Considering you reaction earlier I'm guessing you know that you're in the Speed Force?"

Barry nodded, "But why am I here Cait? I mean I'm thrilled to see you, if it is you, but why am I in the Speed Force? Last time I was here was when I was trying to get my speed back."

"That's what I want to know too. Zoom had killed me and I was just…here. I didn't know where here was though. I kind of wandered for a bit and ended up at this place's version of Star labs and researched for a long time. I didn't even realize I wasn't sleeping or eating because I didn't need to. Then one day Ronnie was here. And we just kind sat together."

"Wait! If Ronnie was here then- Ronnie is dead too Cait! How do you know I'm not dead?"

Caitlin put a hand over his heart that was pulsing.

"You feel different than he felt."

Barry let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He tentatively held out his hand and pressed above her heart as well. To his shock he felt it beat. Hope filled him and he looked up at her with a question in his eyes. Caitlin only gave him a sad smile.

"It only adds to the illusion Barry. It's only beating 'cause you want it to. Just like I'm only here because you want me to be here."

And with that, the hope disappeared, replaced with a deep ache and longing. He pulled her close to him again, tucking her head underneath his chin and leaning back onto the bench fully. He didn't care if this wasn't really her. It looked like her, spoke like her, felt like her and even smelt like her. How could he not give in?

"How did you figure out this was the Speed Force sweetheart? You weren't with us when I was in it the first time. You were- you were…" Barry choked on his words not knowing why he couldn't force them out.

"I was with Zoom."

He could only nod as she continued.

"I didn't figure it out. Ronnie told me. I don't think it was really Ronnie though. But that's not important. After knowing what this place was I knew that I had to be here for you. So now it's my turn to ask the questions. What happened Barry? Why are you here?"

"I-I'm not sure sweetheart. I was running, fast, and I was thinking about you and how much I missed you. I was running so damn fast Cait I couldn't feel anything anymore. All I wanted to do was keep running and get to you. So that's what I did I guess.

"Oh Barry. I'm so sorry I caused you pain."

Barry quickly released her and knelt on the ground in front of the bench. He took a hold of her hands in earnest.

"Don't you dare Caitlin Snow. Don't you dare ever apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I let him take you sweetheart. I let him hurt you and I'm so fucking sorry!"

As Barry rested his forehead to her knees he felt Caitlin's hand combing through his hair again.

"Barry I want you to listen to me. Can you do that?"

He nodded and looked up into her eyes. 'Those eyes…'

"When I was asking Hunter to spare your life I made a decision. I knew he wouldn't just go without leaving his mark that day and it was a risk I was willing to take for you. I made that choice Barry, for me, for you, for all of us. I was relieved when he took me. No! Don't interrupt, just listen. I was relieved that he took me instead of killing you. I was relieved that he took me instead of any of our friends. For once, I got to help you. I couldn't bear the thought of that monster hurting you, hurting any of you and I was so relieved Barry that I was the casualty in that war that was destined to take something from us. I don't regret any of the choices I made. I don't regret any of the choices you made. I'm only sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye to you, to Cisco. So please don't apologize Barry. Please. Just…just be happy. Go live and be happy with Iris and Joe and Cisco and Harry and Jessie and Wally and Patty and Oliver and Felicity and Captain Singh. Whoever you want. Just be happy. "

"So what? You just want to forget that you were killed because I wasn't fast enough?"

"Barry, you're hearing me but are you listening? It's not your fault. I made the choices that brought to that point. I chose to start something with Jay even though I wasn't ready, even though I-" She cuts off taking a deep breath in, "Look, we all made mistakes when it came to Zoom but at the end of the day it wasn't any of our faults. It was his. He hurt you, destroyed things, and killed all those people. He killed me. Why should we-you- have to live with the guilt of that." Caitlin took his chin in her hand to focus his eyes on hers, "All you're doing is letting him win. And you, Barry Allen, will not let. Him. Win."

They were quiet for how long he didn't know. 'Time passes differently here' her voice danced around in his head. He took his hand and caressed her cheek marveling at the fact that she was here, in front of him.

"I'm staying with you"

"What!? Barry that's crazy. You have to go back"

"Oh really? Do you know how to get me back?

At this she struggled but had a defiant set to her chin that he found adorable.

"No but I'll figure it out! You're talking crazy. You can't stay with me, you're not even dead!"

"Right, cause I feel different? That was a little cheesy sweetheart."

"Hey, it was not! And you do feel different than how Ronnie felt."

"Feel a lot of him, did you?" This came out a lot more malicious then he intended it to. This is what it's come to, being jealous of a ghost.

"Barry Allen, will you knock it off! You can't stay here. You have too many reasons to go back. Central City needs you. Our friends, your family! They all need you. Iris…"

Caitlin trailed off at the end. And it hit Barry that she still doesn't know about his conflicting feelings.

"Look, you and Iris, you're good together. You belong together. You're destiny. You may think you love me but-"

"Wait what? What- you knew?"

"Oh Barry honestly! Of course I knew you must have had some sort of feelings for me. You just…kinda…stared sometimes. But I'm dead Barry and you deserve so much more, you deserve Iris. You love her."

"But I love you too. No, now you listen. I love you Caitlin Snow. You're dead and I love you. I love Iris and I love you. I want to marry Iris and I love you. I want to grow old with Iris and I want to stay here, in your arms forever because I fucking love you and now that I know it I don't know how to stop. I don't want to stop and I don't know where the hell I go from here. Because sweetheart, loving you- as devastating as it is to realize it after I lost you- is the best part of me. You are the best part of me. So I want to stay with you."

Barry wiped away the tears that had spilled from Caitlin's eyes. He hated himself for causing her pain. He felt guilty for speaking this way to a woman who is not Iris. But most of all he felt love for this woman in front of him and relief that he could actually say this to her. A sudden thought came to Barry. A hideous, cruel thought that made him want to cringe. 'Just because I love her, doesn't mean she loves me." Barry hadn't stopped to think about that. She had loved Ronnie so deeply and she even had feelings for Jay but she never once showed any signs that she had feelings for him.

"Do you-"

"So is Iris." Caitlin said at the same time he was going to ask her how she felt.

"What?" Barry was caught off guard by her response.

"So is Iris. She's the best part of you too."

And therein lays the dilemma.


A/N: Sooooooooooo what did ya think? Did I lay it on a little thick? One of the guest reviewers guessed it spot on. I still love this chapter though because my love makes her debut! And just to clarify, for the purposes of my story it IS Caitlin he is talking too. Not a creepy Speed Force thing.

For fun, did anyone count how many times I said Barry's name in this chapter? It was a lot.

Next chapter should be fun because Barry has some questions for our Caitlin!

And holy crap did you guys hear the news?! Tom Felton is going to be on the Flash! AHHHHHH! My Harry Potter heart is EXPLODING! I guess since WestAllen looks like endgame for the show, I'm so down for a Cait and Draco (or Julian they said his name is) pairing. This gives me awesome ideas for fanfics that include Jealous Barry lol. But seriously, let my babe be happy writers!

I have some awesome thoughts on a lot of upcoming Fanfics I want write not only for the Flash but other shows as well. Head over to my bio to see what shows and stuff I'm interested in and if you're interested in any of the same, don't shy away from asking to write a fanfic for you!

Love you all. Reviews are always appreciated!