A/N: This one is a doozy.
I LOVE LOV E LOVE YOU GUYS! The reviews really brighten my day and I appreciate all of you for taking out the time to leave me a little gift.
I want to reply to some of the guest reviews on here real quick because they were direct questions.
guest: Every time Barry said sweetheart my heart skip a bit! What a update my hopes were high! I thought she was alive. If wa is end game in the show can you make sb end game in the story? Please cherry on top-aww my heart skips a beat when he calls he sweetheart too. I never intended to put that in but it came out naturally as I was typing and I can so see Barry calling her that. About the endgame stuff. I can't answer that till my story is over so, ask again an I'll tell you my thoughts (if you wanna know).
ShanouNash: I just discover this fanfic! I'm a Snowbarry shipper, I don't hate Iris, I just prefer her as Barry's best friend or kind of sister. So I was sceptical about this fanfic... But after these four chapters, I really start to like it! Of course, I prefer when Barry is with Caitlin, or when he thinks about her but I was thinking that if something had to happened between Barry and Caitlin and it has to end for Westallen, I think I would like it to be like this, like a lost love because of Caitlin's death... You know, like Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man in a certain way... Even if I can't imagine the show without her! But I wouldn't like Caitlin to go away or turning evil or just die without something Snowbarry... I don't know... Well now I can't wait to read the next chapters! I hope there will still be Snowbarry moments in the chapters which come! - thanks so much for readind/reviewing! I'm glad you are enjoying the story. I ship both of them, slightly more with Cait cause she as a character is more interesting to me. I can't really answer much else without spoiling the story so enjoy! Oh, and Gwen and Peter are awesome!
F4T: Just thought you should be warned that it has been speculated that Julian dorn is in fact cait's long lost brother aka "Charlie snow "(as per reference )- oh I know and thanks for the heads up anyways! That was actually the first thing I thought when they mentioned his character. But its not official yet, and even if I write a fic with him actually being her bro, it's not like Barry know he's her bro, am I right? Thanks for reading/reviewing!
Anyone I didn't answer, please know that I love you!
So I was supposed to update this last night but I literally fell asleep making grammar corrections. It was like 3 am. I am running on 4 hours of sleep. But YOLO right?
Excuse any grammar/spelling errors please! Lack of sleep does not good grammar make. Previous disclaimers apply.
Chapter 5
Caitlin Snow had never felt more alive. And she had to admit, considering the current she was in-dead- that was pretty sad. But hey, she can't really remember what exactly it felt like to be alive so she thinks that this feeling she has in her dead heart, sitting next to Barry after god knows how long, must be a close comparison.
'It still doesn't make sense why he's here though' she thought as she looked over at him. They hadn't spoken since she made the comment about Iris and he looked deep in thought. He was still as handsome as ever. Caitlin sighed in resignation. 'The universe seriously sucks. Of course he realized he loved me AFTER I died."
In truth though, she doesn't know what would have happened if he had realized his feelings if she were still alive. Because what she said earlier was true, he may love her and he may want to be with her even in her death, which she had to admit was romantic in a Romeo and Juliet type of way, (though she really needed to have a conversation with him about his priorities) but he did love Iris too. He always had and he always will.
At one point, that thought had made her sad. Sad because ever since Barry Allen had woken up from a 9 month coma and his intense eyes clashed with her own, she was a goner. She felt guilty at first, for getting butterflies in her stomach and for always wanting to lean a little closer than necessary. She felt that she was betraying Ronnie, her not-so-dead (at the time) fiancé, and his love for her. She came off as cold to Barry, wanting to create as much emotional (and physical) distance between them as possible. But Barry was persistent. He had been hell-bent on being her friend and they both understood the pain of losing someone they love. It was a morbid yet easy way to connect with him. He had made her laugh and enjoy life again. The unintentional karaoke night is one of her fondest memories.
So she fell for him. Despite the fact that she was going to be diving head-first into a world of hurt. How could she not? He was goofy and intelligent, occasionally arrogant (which is hot sometimes), and he cared about her. And he wasn't bad to look at either. Sure he wasn't a chiseled Greek god like Oliver Queen or Ronnie or even Jay (ugh), nor did he have the mysterious-sexy-older-man thing that Dr. Wells (earth 2 version, NOT crazy-psycho-not-really-Dr. Wells-and-actually-Eobard Thawne) had going for him. Nope. Barry was lean and muscled with a smile that could make her heart skip a beat. Not to mention the fact that all of that was highlighted by the fact that he was a god-damn superhero. How could she not fall for him?
And to make matters worse (better?), she had just known that Barry felt something for her. Caitlin's job was to (over)analyze things. And from the moment she realized her feelings for him, Barry Allen had been her favorite subject to study. When she told him that he stared, she wasn't kidding. Like the time he told her that she bites her lip when she's nervous. You don't just notice things like that about your friends do you? Or that time when he absolutely checked her out on karaoke night. Then the conversation they had in Star Labs the next day about moving on from the past; they had definitely shared a moment then. And then there was that look on her wedding day to Ronnie. Or when Jay came into the picture, sometimes the stares would become glares. He even copped a feel of her ass(ets) when he was temporarily blind! Ok, so maybe that one was an "accident" but his hand did linger way too long. The point is that Barry has definitely shown more interest in her than just friendship.
But it wasn't just the looks. It was the long, emotional talks that helped her connect with him more than she had with anyone before him. It was the gentle caresses of a comforting hand. It was the words of hope that he would whisper in her ear as he held her when she cried. Cried for Ronnie, cried for Eobard's betrayal, cried for Jay. It was the take-out he would bring to her home on the quiet weekends. It was the nutella and raspberry crepes he ran all the way to France for. The little things like the he cup of coffee in the morning and starting her computer for her before she came in because he knew she got impatient with the start-up process.
So Caitlin had known that he must've felt something, she just figured that it could never stand in comparison to his love for Iris. Sweet, kind, gorgeous Iris. So she resigned herself to grieve for the love she lost in Ronnie and lose herself in pursuing Jay Garrick aka Hunter Zoloman aka the worst mistake of her life. She had wanted to feel something other than the pain of losing Ronnie, the rejection that came with Barry, and the coldness that was encompassing her heart. She clung to the thought of Jay and who he could be for her. Big and chiseled and engulfing her in his warmth like Ronnie. Gentle and smiling and understanding like Barry. Intelligent and a freaking super-hero like both. She thought Jay could be what she needed. But his touches felt off. They were rough and determined. His smiles were never playful enough and his words always practiced. When he held her she didn't feel Ronnie's warmth. But she ignored her instincts, she ignored everything telling her that this wasn't right, and she wasn't ready.
And the cost was her life. A life she could have spent with Barry. Maybe as friend, maybe more. A life she could have spent furthering her research with Dr. Wells and finding new breakthroughs in science, something she always loved. A life with Cisco cracking jokes and endless Harry Potter marathons. Oh Cisco….
Breaking out of her own musings, Caitlin saw that Barry was still lost in his.
"Hey Barry?"
He turned to her then, giving her another one of those smiles that she'll never tire of.
"Yeah sweetheart?"
Again with 'sweetheart' stuff. Remember when she said she felt alive? Blame it on this idiotic idiot and his adorably idiotic endearment.
"How is Cisco doing? I-I miss him." Caitlin felt her bottom lip quiver in an effort to not cry at the thought of her best friend, her brother in every way that matters. If she was Dorothy, he was her scarecrow and she had missed him most of all…
"He's doing alright. Now he is anyway."
"What do you mean?"
"Caitlin, when you died, god! We didn't know what to do with ourselves! We found you at the CCPD and there were bruises all over you. You were dead at least a full day before we were able to get to you. Cisco-he, oh Cait he saw you before I did. He had you in his arms. He screamed. It broke him, broke us, to know that we didn't save you, to know what you had to go through."
Barry shook his head looking down at his lap and she wanted nothing more than to take all his pain away. To take away the trauma the psycho Zoloman had left behind in all her friends. She had to move on to whatever was next for her with the memories of Hunter Zoloman haunting her. But that didn't mean her loved ones had to. She could reassure them and let them know that she was ok. Whatever was next for her, she was okay. She'll move on and so should they. And to do that she had to give them closure. Might as well start with Barry.
"What were you going to say?"
"Hmmm? What?"
"When I said that about Iris, about her being your home too, you were gonna say something. What was it?"
She knew exactly what he was going to say, or rather ask. She had seen the look in his eyes, somewhat panicky and boyish. And now she was ready to answer him. Though she wished this was happening under different circumstances, you know, her being alive would be awesome. But she'll take what she can get.
Barry shuffled where he sat nervously, probably wondering how to ask. Then a look of determination flitted across his face and he took her hand in his again. Leaning forward he pressed his forehead to hers.
"Caitlin, sweetheart, I told you I love you. I meant it." Barry's voice was barely a whisper and it sent shivers down her spine. Tingles she was surprised she could still experience but thrilled nonetheless. "Do you love me too Caitlin? Ask me to stay with you and I will. Iris, she knows. She told me she knows about how I feel for you and she'll understand. She'll find someone to love her, fully and completely, the way she deserves. Just say the word and I'll stay. I don't know what this is, some sort of purgatory or something. I don't care; I'll endure it, with you."
"Won't you miss Iris?"
"Iris, yes god yes I will miss her. So fucking much. But she'll get through it and I'll exist with the pain. For you. Iris, she has her family. I can go peacefully knowing she won't be alone at least. How am I supposed leave you here alone? I can't."
"Barry, you don't have to worry about me. I won't ever be alone, not here, not anywhere. You will always be with me, and I with you. We're part of each other. My time on earth is over and you have to accept that."
"How?" he asks her brokenly and she wants to cry. She wants to scream at how unfair it is that they could never have their time. She wants to be angry at the fucking universe, at God; at whatever it was that took her away from her life and took her away from Barry. But right now she has to be strong, for him. If he needed her strength, she'll give it to him. She'll bear the pain so he won't have to.
"By knowing that I loved you Barry Allen" his eyes flew open, locking with hers. She plowed on. "I love you. I love your smile, your eyes, your face and your powers. I love you. I love your corny jokes and our playful banter. I love how you know exactly what to say and exactly when to say it. I love how you say 'for real' whenever something excites you or irritates you. Your courage, your honor, your loyalty. Your heart. I love that nothing means more to you in this world you're your family and your friends. I love your love for Iris. I love the love you have for me. I didn't mean to love you, I fought it so hard Barry, because of Ronnie and Iris and Jay, damn him. But then you would smile and 'Summer Nights' would play through my head and I would fall in love even more, every time."
"Then why aren't you fighting for me? For us? Why are you so willing to let me go?"
"Because I love you, dumbass! You want to stay because you love me and I want you to go because I love you. How do you think I would feel knowing you were stuck here, because of me? This isn't what I want for you Barry! I want you healthy and happy, living life! Living, Barry! Not here in whatever the fuck this Speed Force thing is. Not wherever I go next. I want you on earth, our earth, with Iris and your family. Your friends. I want you to have little Barrys running around one day. You still have that chance Barry. I don't, I can't. I want to stay with you, always, I want to be with you, but I can't and I won't"
Barry just stared, his eyes unreadable. He still had her hands clutched in his and the more she said the tighter they got. He let out deep sigh. She waited.
"There will never be a day when I won't miss you."
She leaped into his arms and let go. And finally she cried, for all that they have. For all that they lost. She cried for herself, for the life she could have had. She cried for Barry and the burden he bared in having the world was on his shoulders. His mother had died, and now so had she. She cried for Iris, for the friend she betrayed by loving Barry. Sweet Iris who would never hold it against her. She cried for Cisco and the pain she had caused him. She misses him so fucking much. Barry nuzzled his face into her hair, holding her tight.
After a while her sobbing subsided and she pulled away from him. Getting up from the bench, Barry let her go completely.
"I want you to be happy Barry. I want you to stop feeling this guilt. Can you do that? Please? For me?"
"I'll try Cait." Barry sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets. She watched his eyes widen in shock. He pulled out his right hand and revealed…
"Oh! Is that the bowtie I got you on Christmas?"
She remembered getting that for him. She was browsing through the mall one day for gifts and she saw it just sitting there. The red color had matched Barry's suit perfectly and she could just picture him wearing with a tux. Or even just a button down with a vest. At the time, those images of him in her head fueled all her nerdy fantasies. Blushing, she glanced up at Barry again only to see him gazing at her with a dopey smile on his face.
"What?"
"The universe can be poetic when it wants to be."
"Again, what?"
"Sweetheart, you were supposed to teach me how to tie this. You never got the chance. Can you show me now?"
Caitlin's throat closed up in emotion. She nodded and took the tie from his hands. Caressing it with her hands, Caitlin admired its softness. Barry stepped right up to her and wrapped both his hands around her waist pulling her flush against him. She let out a startled breath and raised an eyebrow at him in a silent question.
"So I don't miss anything" he responded with a smirk.
Rolling her eyes, Caitlin popped the collar on Barry's button down, untied the bow and brought it around his neck.
"Well, we wouldn't want that would we? Pay attention."
As she was explaining all the loops and twist that involve the tying of the perfect knot, Caitlin couldn't help but imagine a life where he wouldn't have to learn how to tie it. A life where she could just do it for him, every day. Feeling his eyes on her she looked up into his burning gaze. Giving him a small smile she took one of her hands and tilted his chin downwards.
"The lesson is down here Barry. You have to pay attention remember? It's not like you can just come see me in the Speed Force anytime you want."
"You're right, I can't. So what the hell am I waiting for?"
She saw him close the distance and had no time to prepare. As if she could actually prepare for this though. Feeling the pressure of his lips on hers, she immediately responded in kind. Barry was a man starved and Caitlin was his feast. She felt him suck her bottom lip and bite down on it. His passion and hunger surprised her, causing her to let out a startled gasp. Barry used this as an opportunity to let his tongue explore her mouth. Fisting a hand in her hair one second and pushing her against a tree the next, Caitlin had to pull back to breathe (hey, freaking spirits in a speed force need oxygen too!). She felt him trail kisses down her neck stopping to suck just below her ear, causing her to let out an embarrassingly loud moan of pleasure. She didn't dwell to long on that though because his lips were back on her. Barry Allen was kissing her and lord, did he kiss her well.
"Do you have any idea how much I wanted to bite that lip of yours?" Barry practically growled out (seriously growled!) and pulled away to ghost his mouth over hers.
Caitlin let herself be sucked back into a mind-frame that didn't involve a kiss-induced coma cause by one Scarlett Speedster. Which was kind difficult since he went back to suckling her neck.
"Hey uh, Barry?"
"Hmmm?"
"Barry!?"
"Yeah sweetheart?" Barry lifted his eyes to meet hers again.
"Umm, the uh, the bowtie?"
Barry pulled away then, catching his breath and taking his hands from her hair, replacing them on her waist. Her hips to be exact. Leaning back into the tree, Caitlin let herself come down from that incredible high. Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to make this so much harder? 'Breathe Caitlin. Just Breathe. You can do this'.
"Will you pay attention this time?"
"I'll pay attention. And I'll never forget."
With trembling hands Caitlin finished showing him how to tie the bowtie properly. The selfish part of her hoped that every time he tied it, he would think of her. Kissing the tie that was now snug around his, she leaned back and got a good look at him.
"Well don't you look dashing."
Barry let out a small laugh that lit up his face. He did look quite handsome.
"Can you do something for me? When you get back?"
"Anything you want Cait."
"Could you let Cisco touch your bowtie? So he can vibe me? Maybe he needs something I touched after my death to see me."
"Sure, I can do that. But we don't know much about his powers yet. What if he can-"
"If he can't then tell him that I love him. Tell him that he is the best friend that anyone could ask for. Let him know that I'll be okay and that all I want, all I have ever wanted for him was his happiness. Okay?"
"Okay."
Caitlin felt pathetic as yet another round of tears poured from her eyes. But she was about to lose the last connection to her living life and everyone she love in it. She couldn't help it.
"You have to go now Barry."
Barry looked conflicted.
"I don't know how to Cai-"
As he was saying the words the atmosphere changed and out of nowhere a large opening was created in front of them. It was extraordinary. Energy charged through it making the lights flickering throughout look like tiny jolts of lightning. Like speed itself.
"I guess the Speed Force knew when you'd be ready"
Now Barry looked scared. Grasping onto her hand tight. She knew what he was feeling because she was feeling it to. She didn't want to let go. Not now, not ever. But as she looked back in the beautiful ball on energy, she saw Iris. Wonderful, beautiful Iris standing there, arms outstretched, looking at them with the saddest smile Caitlin had ever seen on her face. Iris, who deserved every good thing in the world. She saw everything Barry was going to have and all the joy his life would bring him. Turning back to Barry she forcefully let go of his hand and pushed him towards his future.
"Go! Iris, she came for you. You have to go!"
Turning around, Barry eyes locked on Iris. For the longest time they just stood there, staring. Barry reached forward and took her hand. Iris nodded and he nodded back.
Then she was in his arms again and Caitlin didn't know how she stayed upright as she was jolted so fast. Looking up she saw the purest look of love she had ever seen and she thought that yes, this must be her heaven.
"Caitlin Snow, I will love you for as long as I live and after. I will love you so truly and so purely that the universe, the same damn universe that took you from me, will conspire for me to get you. I will never forget you and one day, even if I have to go through space and time, you will be in my arms again. And I will never let you go."
With one final searing kiss to her lips, Barry took Iris' hand and disappeared from the speed force. Caitlin Snow was dead to the world, but she had never felt more alive.
So we fell in love and the suffering became my destiny.
One more chapter after this guys. Leave me some love (or nicely worded critiques :D) in the reviews! Can anyone find the phrase I stole from Lion King?
