Betrayal and Turkey.
Chapter Twelve.
By Hopping Hamster.
Hiya readers, thanks for the great reviews! Welcome to 2013! Sorry for the delay, I've been very busy and also had some major internet connection problems! x
"are you enjoying you chicken?" Chakotay asked his dinner date with a dimpled smile drawn across his face. she had been eating the grilled meat, slowly. at first Chakotay thought that was how she enjoyed eating but had realised about half way through the meal she was having great difficulty actually cutting the food but he didn't know how to bring the subject up with her. their small talk conversation had long since drifted into nothing but they were enjoying each other's company again.
"yes thank you" she smiled softly with stabbing the offending meat with her fork trying to force more meat from the bone. she was thankful for his taking her out and him buying her this delicious meal but she had forgotten just how hard she found eating because she always had Sam, B'Elanna or one of the others with her to help.
Chakotay's heart sank, she couldn't dress herself, and she couldn't eat a meal, what else could she not do alone? leaning in he stilled her frustrated hand calmly by placing his own steady copper hand over hers where she gripped the fork. as soon as he did that her eyes shot up to look at him. "here let me" he whispered softly taking the fork from her and picking up the long discarded knife he began to slice her chicken.
"Chakotay" she hissed trying to force him away with her working hand suddenly feeling ashamed and angry at the situation.
"it's ok" he was forceful as he continued on his task "please let me help" at his soft and caring voice Kathryn nodded and fell back softly in her chair to allow him to cut the rest of her dinner into manageable chunks as though she were a child. as she watched him she saw little hostility towards her as she had twenty four hours ago. this Chakotay was content in his task of making the eating process easier for her. this Chakotay was her Chakotay. he didn't seem at all ashamed or phased to be with her in that state, he just looked content almost proud.
once he finished he looked up to see the deep blue of her eyes watching him. with a smile he handed to fork back to her and sat back in his chair the way she had. "thanks" she sighed before tearing he eyes from him and beginning to eat her dinner again.
once she had finished, a good twenty minutes after him, she offered an apologetic smile. he returned her smile and said seriously "you do very well doing everything with one hand"
"four years is a long time to practice" she smiled back though she didn't feel she had done very well all things considered but she didn't protest.
Chakotay watched her and saw the pain and sadness in her eyes. his heart beat faster and faster. was he really falling in love with her again? "I'm sorry I wasn't there Kathryn" he whispered, deep regret and sincere sorrow in his voice. reaching across the table he laid his copper skinned hand softly onto of her pale hand resting on the table.
"you were following your dream" she told him gently. she could never knock him for that. "I'm glad you were happy on Trebus not stuck here looking after me"
"if I had known I would have at least contacted you" he insisted and they both knew he was right. as she pulled her hand away from his he admitted "probably come to see you"
he looked sad as slowly anger drew across his features and they both knew the unspoken meaning behind his words she met his eyes and whispered in a husky voice "I told them not to tell you Chakotay"
"why?" he spat not bothering to hide his shock and hurt.
"I didn't want you to feel you had to contact me" she whispered "I didn't want you to feel tied to me" slowly she turned her face away from his angry glare and she told him "I knew you were angry with me"
"yes I was" he said without hesitation in a deep firm voice. he watched her for her reaction she simply closed her eyes and clenched her hand into a fist.
"I know I hurt you when I said we couldn't bring our child into this world" she offered in simple reply.
"you meant it" he stated calmly, a statement not a question. he was firm and unwavering as he kept his eyes trained on her across the table.
right at that moment a waiter came to remove their empty plates. Kathryn stayed silent keeping her eyes on him. his words stung in the honesty of them as well as her fear and shame of being out in her physical condition. she kept her eyes on him looking for redemption and security all in one. Chakotay calmly ordered her a coffee and him a tea. he waited for the waiter to nod and walk away before silently turning back to Kathryn and watching her intently.
"yes" her husky voice broke the painful silence in reply to Chakotay's previous statement. could she deny her words of five years ago? would she?
"you still would say it?" he questioned her sadly "even now"
"I would if I were still an admiral" she nodded talking softly and not quite meeting his eyes.
"but you're not" he reminded her with his deep steady voice. the sharp anger and pain still digging into him. "so if you had a child growing inside you now would you consider an abortion?"
"no" Kathryn was firm. an abortion was different to saying you couldn't bring a child into the world. one was a feeling the other an action "even if I was an admiral now I wouldn't consider an abortion" she told him firmly and somehow She looked into her eyes he knew she was telling the truth.
"but you did then" he stated in an almost growl showing his pain and anger. when she didn't reply he hissed "why?" at her.
"you know why" she spat back fighting the tears wishing he wouldn't ask her to say allowed he great shame.
looking Kathryn right in the eyes he said simply and honesty "I want to hear you say it"
she had promised herself when she agreed to meet him for lunch she would tell him whatever he asked and so it was with a heavy heart she told him "I didn't see the foetus as a life" turning away she added with a deep painful sadness lingering in her voice "just an inconvenience"
"so what changed?" Chakotay asked her. he was staying calm, he knew now the only answer was for honest communication between the two of them and he knew she knew it too.
"I went Chakotay" she told him firmly with wide blue eyes meeting his dark eyes "I went to the doctor just as I promised you I would" she confirmed her meaning "first thing the morning after I gave you your ring back"
"why did you do that?" he interrupted in a deep steady voice as he fixed her with his firm stare. she was doing her best to evade his eyes.
"to ask him to abort my child" she managed to whisper in a sad voice. then almost as a quickly as she had said it she corrected herself "our child"
"I know that" he growled her words having hurt him badly. that wasn't what he had been referring too "I mean why give me the ring back?" he pressed "why end our engagement?"
Kathryn knew he would want an answer, an honest one. she couldn't think straight, her anger and guilt with herself plaguing her mind even now "I knew you could never love the woman who killed your child" she told him as a few tears trickled uncontrollably down her face "I knew you could only hold contempt for me"
"I was hurt and angry and yes I hated what you did" he admitted after having taken in a deep breath and staring at her in a somewhat caring way "but I never stopped loving you"
"I could never ask you to marry me when I hurt you so badly" she told him in a sad voice just as the waiter arrived with their drinks giving her a chance to calm her shaking nerves as she took a gulp from the mug of bitter liquid.
Chakotay knew he couldn't push her, five years was a long time for both of them. perhaps her more than him. the time for anger and blame was long past and Chakotay could see that now. "with a slight sigh and a closing of his eyes for composure he asked "if you understood how much it would hurt me why do it?"
"I was scared Chakotay" came her words full of trepidation and fear. Chakotay didn't miss the almost begging in her voice and if he was honest that scared him "so scared, my security was in the familiar, in what I knew, earth, my family" she then turned away to stare at the content of her mug before she admitted the thing at the very heart of the issue "Starfleet" the fact she relied upon and wouldn't give up her commission "you knew that, it hadn't been any different in the delta quadrant"
"I was with you" he reminded her firmly trying to still her shaking hand with his own steady one "besides we could have still had a child with all those things"
"no Chakotay no we couldn't" she once again pulled away shaking her head desperately "I couldn't"
"I don't understand" he told her infuriated "and I didn't back then"
"I grew up the child of a Starfleet admiral" she reminded him her own hurt and bitter memories flooding into her mind, her childhood not quite a fulfilling time with her father never having any time for her "I knew the price to pay for that, I could never, would never let a child of mine grow up knowing that pain"
"so instead of giving up your career for the life you helped create and were intrusted with you were going to kill it!" he was trying so hard to not raise his voice but he was certainly far from calm.
"I didn't see it as killing Chakotay" she told him, her own fury rising as she ground out the words through gritted teeth.
"no" he accused her almost with malice in his voice though he wasn't rising his voice "just an inconvenient division easily gotten rid of"
"yes" she nodded but just as quickly closed her eyes and shook her head changing her mind she snapped "no" when she saw the look of distrust in his eyes she almost broke begging him "oh Chakotay I don't know I was scared I didn't know what I wanted" turning from his she admitted with deep pain "I went to the doctor that morning" Chakotay looked at her closely and saw her inner beauty shine through "he asked me to speak with a councillor, Will Rikers wife"
"did she persuade you not to go ahead with it?" Chakotay demanded from across the table to her.
Kathryn run her hand over her forehead and pinched the bridge of her nose with finger and thumb "she helped me understand some of my very real concerns and fears"
"I'll take that as a yes" he growled their age old augment coming back to rest between them.
"it didn't take much persuading! I didn't really want to terminate our child" she whispered. she understood why he was angry with her. she had always hoped she didn't have to face
"but you couldn't bring a child into the world to grow up the child of an admiral" he reminded her softly yet firmly of her own words.
"no" she told him. she set her jaw opened her deep blue eyes and met his steadily "so I did the only thing I could" she told him. taking an honest deep breath she sighed telling him "I signed custody to you" as tears poured down her face "at least then our child would grow up knowing the love of her strong father and learn his people's ways on Trebus"
Chakotay looked at her and knew. he knew what she was saying was the truth. he knew what the doctor had told him was true and it pained him to see that sorrow in her eyes "what happened Kathryn?" he whispered lovingly as he tried to take her hand in love.
"I didn't think I could face you" she told him which almost stabbed him with regrets as she told him "I was frightened" she shook her head at pulled away from his hand offered in support "Deana said she would contact you to ask you to sign the custody papers" Kathryn's voice cracked with tears "I was at peace knowing my child would live in your care"
"I never heard from her" Chakotay said seriously and firmly feeling like a fist clenched around his heart to learn the painful truth of five years before.
Kathryn closed her eyes and her body gave a slight shudder as she whispered "oh..." before her voice trailed away.
Chakotay gave her a minute before asking "so what happened if you didn't..." but his own voice trailed off when he couldn't bring himself to ask it.
"it started like a pain, a really sharp pain" Kathryn began with a brave breath and courage to tell him now they were finally communicating after all that time. "and sickness. I was alone in the apartment I had just bought. I didn't want to bother anyone for a bit of morning sickness so I took some pain killer hypospray and went to bed" at this point her face contorted into obvious distress as she remembered the events of that fateful day. a day that as the father Chakotay had the right to know about. "I woke up a few hours later with blood everywhere" she was trembling now, she wouldn't look at him as tears poured down her face "as soon as I realised what was happening I contacted Starfleet medical and I begged my baby, our baby to live." at these words Chakotay saw her distress and rose from his chair opposite her to sit beside her in support. she still couldn't face him as she continued "I was fighting Chakotay you have to believe me" she shuddered and he looked at her confusion evident on his face as she whispered "I wanted everything in me to save your child"
"Kathryn..." he began but was lost for words to console her broken crying.
"I'm so sorry Chakotay" she told him though sobs "I was weak. I wasn't worthy enough to carry your child"
"Kathryn" he said firmly as he pulled her shuddering body into a tight embrace "oh spirits Kathryn" he was sure now, he loved her, he had never stopped.
