Don't own Hunger Games.
Rue's rolled to her side, her body curved around the spear. I'm already to her, holding her in my arms, and I already know it's over for her.
"Why did you let me die?" Rue asks me. "I trusted you. Why didn't you protect me? Why did you abandon me?"
I wanted to say that I was sorry, that I tried, but when I move my lips only silence is given. So all I can do is stare.
"You left me. You let me die. You get banquets and dinners and awards and one of the biggest houses in District 12 and more money than any five merchants and it's all because you let me die. You let me die. You let me die. You let me die. You let me dieā¦"
And suddenly I'm no longer staring at Rue. Now I'm staring at the mutts I know too well. But there's something different about this Nazo.
It's the eyes. They're brown. Rue's eyes.
I try crawling backwards to get away, but my back hits something. I look up to find a girl about my age standing behind me. He eyes are devoid of color, and her chest had a single gash right over her heart, with blood drenching her shirt.
"Why didn't you help me?" She asks in a pained voice. "You helped her. Why couldn't you save me?"
My lips still can't form words, but I back away from her, shaking my head violently. I turn to take to a run when another girl stops me. I'd recognize the blond hair and blue eyes anywhere. Her body was badly burned, with massive gashes in her abdomen, blood all over her and coming from her mouth.
"Why couldn't you save your sister? Your sister who cared for you? Why?" Fash says.
More people show; Marvel, Cato, Clove, Glimmer, district nine boy, distinct four boy, Foxface, Brutes, all of them. All twelve people I had killed on the Games and the countless others I watched die, with all the wounds they died with on their bodies. They all say one thing.
"You let me die."
And they all charged me.
"NOOOOO!"
I scream as I shoot up and feel a numb pain in my stomach. I give another scream after I'm done with my first, my hands now on my face covering my eyes. I hold it out until my lungs are empty and take deep breaths to replenish my oxygen. I quickly scan the area but find nothing but blurriness. I can't see anything.
A hand grabs my shoulder.
My left hand grabs the arm while my other shoot straight at where I assume a face to be. I'm rewarded with a crack and my hand making solid contact on the person's nose. I don't waste more time as I leap at him, forcing him to the ground. I raise my fist again and slam it into his face a second time.
I do nothing but roar, too occupied by this threat to think coherently. I can hear my victim try and speak, but punches always cut him off.
I feel three pairs of arms wrap around me and try and pry me off the man. I fight back with everything I have, trying to stay put while throwing a punch in when I can. I'm only able to throw four more when two more pairs join and finally pry me off him and force me into a bed.
I'm shouting unintelligible words now, kicking and punching and flailing about to get out of their grasps. I hear them speak but can't understand anything they say. It comes out as some sort of loud mumbles.
"Alto, calm down!"
My struggling ceases immediately as I recognize the voice. My eyes are wide with question, and the person has a hold of my face, but it's so much more gentle than the others. I try rubbing my eyes but find that they are still holding me down, so my arms are immobile. I hear her whisper something to them and feel two pairs reposition themselves onto my chest, freeing my arms. I go ahead and rub my eyes of their blurriness and get a good look at her.
"Did...did I just attack...someone..." It comes out like I already know what I did.
Mom doesn't answer me, which tells me enough. I glance at the new faces; all are soldiers it seems, with Peeta in the mix, his hands pressed onto my chest. I spot the doctor I had attacked, standing with the help of the original doctor, wiping his face of the blood that covered it. My own fists are covered in his blood.
"Restrain me when I sleep."
They all look at me, but my mom and Peeta seem more confused on it. "What?"
"I said restrain me. When I sleep, tie me up as tight as you can so this doesn't happen. If it scares the hell out of me I'll deal with it. I can't keep doing this to someone every time I wake up."
The soldiers take this that I've regained my senses and release me. When they do I sit up and look at the bloodied doctor.
"Shit." I rub my eyes. "Um, sorry. About that." I say a bit awkwardly.
He nods as if it was nothing, like all I had done was spill water on the ground like a child. And to a degree this angers me. How could he be okay with what I just pulled? If these soldiers hadn't stopped me I would have killed him, no doubt about it. Maybe even go after the others in here.
"All of you." The main doctor gets the soldier's attention. "Not a word to anyone of this. Understand?" They all nod before taking their leave, though Peeta keeps to his position.
"Alto. I'm not going to restrain you while you're sleeping."
"Why not?" I ask calmly.
"Because if you wake, you may think you're back in captivity. That-"
That's enough to send me into a panic.
"No!" My face clearly shows the fear I have at waking inside that room again. "I can't go through that again! Not after what they fucking did to me!" I've lost the ability to think coherently again, only this time it's more self preservation and never going through that scenario again. "I can't go through that again, okay?! I can't do it. I can't do it. Ican'tdoit, Ican'tdoit, Ican'tdoit..."
I've brought my knees into my chest, my arms wrapped around my legs, knees covering everything below my nose as I stare blankly before me, repeating those four words. My whole body trembles and I can vaguely feel the tears fall from my eyes. And before me, for only my eyes, I go through what I had went through in that damned building. The painful, burning injections, the beasts and demons that toyed with me everyday. The images of...
Something jabs my neck, and my body instantly relaxes. My body goes limp but I still have some control over it. Now lying down, I have enough control to bring my arms around my head, but even with the injection, I'm still trembling, still repeating those four words.
I can't do it.
"Alto." I hear the doctor. "Alto, you need to calm down." His words fall on deaf ears. Because how can he know what I've been through?
"Alto, honey, you need to calm down. Please." My mom sounds like she's about to cry. That gives me enough motivation to stop speaking, but I don't move.
I guess they take this as a good sign. They stop speaking but I can feel their presence. I think they're just staring at me.
"Just go." I mumble. "I need to be alone."
My mom protests. "I don't think being alone is-"
"Just go! Leave me alone goddamn it!" My mom's absolutely right; I shouldn't be alone in my current state. But I don't know what else to do. I feel like I should just lock myself in this room so I don't kill anyone. So that I can somehow sort out all these things.
...
...
"O-okay." She replies quietly, and at this point I feel like scum for screaming at her. "We'll be just outside."
I hear three pairs of feet tap for a few second before the sound of a door closing signifies they're gone.
And I start crying.
"What's wrong with me?" I whimper. "Why am I like this? Why am I always a target for someone? Why did I have to go through all this? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Why me?! Why did this happen to me?! It's all because of those fucking Games! And those piece of shit Gamemakers! And that fucker Snow! Goddam it! I should have died in the arena! I should have died instead of Rue! Instead of Fash! I should have died in that fucking arena! Not them, me! Fucking me! Me! Me! Me! Me!"
I have no more words, but my wails of sadness and pain tell enough of what I was saying.
I should have died.
And to an extent...
I wanted to die.
"This is so much worse than I thought."
The doctor said quietly as he watched Alto through the one way mirror. He was expecting something like this to happen, but not so soon. Not within the same day he was rescued.
Lilia was present, one hand over her mouth, tears running down her face. She had heard everything Alto had said. They all had. It tore at her that her son was going through this; so much pain, lose, and nightmares.
Many of Alto's main friends were present, and they could do nothing but watch as the boy they cared about kept screaming.
"Jesus." Nlron looked on.
"Can...he even recover?" Madge was the one to ask. She, and practically everyone else couldn't see anyone recovering though this.
"He can." The doctor answered instantly. "But it's going to take time. PTSD takes years to recover from, and even then you never really recover. Alto...has many demons to face right now. A lot of guilt to fight. He won't start healing until he starts opening up about it, until he learns to live with those experiences. All we can do is support him in any way we can, shape or form." He turned to face them. "All of you should go to bed. All of you have seen a lot lately. I'll watch him."
They all looked ready to protest, but his words stopped them. They couldn't help Alto if disregarded themselves. That would only make him hate himself even more. So with no word, they all slowly departed.
Salaya had an arm around Lilia, who hadn't removed her hand from her mouth. She guided them to the room they were sharing, and when they finally reached it and closed the door behind them, Salaya give her a worried glance.
"Lilia?"
"You know..." The mother began. "It...h-hurts. Watching my own son...s-suffer the way h-he is. He's been through so m-much. More than any human being s-should experience. A-and it's k-killing him...and no matter w-what I do...no matter how h-hard I try...I-I can't help him. I can't take away the p-pain. All I can do is stand there as my son slowly dies in front of m-m-me..."
Salaya couldn't take this anymore. She wrapped her arms around the women. Lilia didn't respond for a time, but Salaya could feel her trembling become more pronounced as she embraced back. Her head was buried into Salaya's shoulder as she silently wept. And Salaya joined her.
Because she knew exactly how Lilia felt.
Two Hours Later
"Breath in, breath out."
The doctor glanced at me, eyes questioning. I don't answer.
"Breath in, breath out. Drawback the string, the arrow. Tension, feels good, familiar, natural. A breeze, gentle snowfall, it lifts its head, catches a scent. Mine. Held breath, one glance, released...and he's down. Can't stop, seven more hours. More mouths to feed, stomachs to fill. Tired, but must keep going."
"A memory." He states.
I nod. "My...friend...a healer, gave me this treatment. Sometimes...I forget and I'm back in the Games. Something else for that. For the depression, remember old memories, nice ones, describe them by word, every feeling. It helps. Keeps me from doing...something I may regret."
I can't see his reaction. "Alto. How are we going to fix your sleeping arrangements?"
"When I sleep, everyone needs to leave the room. Lock me in here alone. When I wake I may be afraid, but I'll recognize the room soon enough, and I won't kill anyone in a blind rage. Does...does that work?"
"That'll be just fine." He nods as he turns and brings a tray before him. He places in on my lap.
"This is...lunch? But it's so small." I whine.
"You already know why we do it like this."
"Yeah, yeah." It's some kind of soup, with crackers and a glass of water. Basic stuff.
"When you're done, just call one of us and we'll take the tray. When you're ready to sleep, just let us know and we'll leave the room." The doctor says before turning and leaving.
I look at the food before me, noting my reflection on the soup. It's not clear, but it's enough to see that I don't look so good. Better than before, but I still have a ways before I can heal and such.
I look at the ground to my left, at the spot they had to clean because of the blood from the doctor's face that I attacked.
"Be strong for everyone." I say to myself. "And the first thing I think of is wanting to die, blaming myself for every little thing that happened in those arenas."
This isn't what I should be thinking. Wanting to die or the other thing. I need to be level headed, focus on healing so I can fight, focus on clearing my head so I can do what I promised I'd do for people. I can't let this guilt get to me. I know it's irrational guilt, some of it, since I had no control over some of the events that transpired, while others are of my fault. But I can't think that now. Rue...Mags...Fash...they all died, sacrificed themselves for others, including me. If I break down, let this stuff get to me, then I fail them.
I can't let that happen.
I have to be strong.
For everyone.
