Betrayal and Turkey.
Chapter Twenty Four.
By Hopping Hamster.
Kathryn felt secure in his arms as they walked; it was a slow walk, as much due to the frost on the ground as it was her injury. They had been walking in a peaceful silence for what felt like hours to Kathryn. Chakotay was unwavering in his strong arms wrapped around her in support. The beautiful Skyline across fisherman's wharf added to the feeling of the moment. Kathryn leaned in closer to Chakotay's supportive chest and whispered with a smile across her face "you know Chakotay I can walk unassisted" she looked up at him to meet his dimpled smile as he looked down at her with such love and contentment.
Taking a breath her looked away from her and admitted "Yes Kathryn I know." He was still holding her, almost like he hadn't dared let go, like he didn't want to let go. She was too precious to him for that.
Kathryn just smiled and knew he wasn't going to let her go even though he realised she didn't need him to hold her. After another long stretch of content silence Kathryn wrapped the fingers of her working hand into his and gave his hand a gentle squeeze before saying softly "Thank you for the drink"
Chakotay who had been suddenly surprised by her taking his hand in affection smiled warmly and said just as softly "your most welcome" before giving her hand a gentle squeeze back to reassure her.
She didn't pull away she just allowed him to hold her and hold her hand. With a sigh she took in a gentle breath and added "real coffee" she had a crooked smile on her face and her eyes closed in pleasure.
The beautiful content look on her face was enough for Chakotay; if she was happy and a little less strained because of today then he had achieved his goal. With a smile of his own he repeated her words back to her "real coffee"
She gave a slight snort of laughter at him as she took in a deep breath and looked around asking "so now where?" she had always loved fisherman's wharf in San Francisco and she knew he knew that. She also knew that he knew she hated not being in control, she hated not knowing where she was going or what she was doing, but for some reason that didn't seem to bother him.
Leaning sideways and kissing the top of her head softly he told her "were just taking a stroll" he tried to sound reassuring and understanding to her difficulties of not being in control. Sensing some resistance from her he stopped walking and looked directly at her asking calmly "if you're ok with that?"
Kathryn met his eyes and saw the concern there and found she couldn't stay annoyed with him. Rolling her eyes she did pull away from him slightly and snapped "of course" Chakotay sensed her building anger which she was trying to fight and knew he should probably back off but it had been so long, so long without her and he had returned to a very different Kathryn, a Kathryn scared by the last five years of difficult experience.
Chakotay actually found he couldn't hide his concern from her, no matter how much he really wanted to. Looking seriously into her eyes he asked softly "You will tell me when you get tired won't you?" he then took her shoulders in both his hands and looked at her as he caressed his arms and waited for her response.
Kathryn was just so fed up with all these changing emotions, fed up with having to be dependent on others, fed up of the pain she felt of losing him, of losing her child. She was angry and bitter and so tired, tired of feeling like she never quite managed to live a happy life. She wanted to look into his eyes and tell him how she felt, she wished she could make him understand but she couldn't and she realised then if she didn't get away from him she would explode. She almost growled as she pulled from him her eyes showing the pain she had long trapped inside of her "Chakotay…." She warned in the hope she would push him away, in the hope he might understand that she couldn't cope with his sudden return to her life, in the hope he might let her go.
Chakotay let out a sigh, she wasn't going to back down, she wasn't going to let him through her walls, she had built them up and he knew it was fruitless to try, "Ok sorry" he replied letting her go and walking on ahead a little.
She watched him walk away and wished with everything in her that she too could see things the way he looked on them. He mind wondered as she watched him. As she did a group of Starfleet command officers walked past in full uniform. Kathryn stood watching them as they went. As they turned round the corner and she turned back to where Chakotay stood a few yards from her she was surprised to see Chakotay stood watching her closely. She offered him a small smile and stepped closer. Taking her hand in his he asked gently "do you miss it?" she smiled a sad smile in reply.
After a second she turned back to where the officers had disappeared round the corner and she asked almost distantly "Starfleet?"
"Hummm" Chakotay nodded giving her back a soft rub of support before his hand rested on her lower back.
Giving him a shrug she nodded saying "Sometimes"
If Chakotay was honest he had expected her to admit to missing Starfleet but was surprised that she was admitting to times when she admitted to there being times when she didn't miss Starfleet, the very thing that had governed her life for so long, her very corner stone of living which she had given up so much for and now after she had been forced to leave that way of life behind she was admitting there were times she didn't miss it. Looking at her Chakotay asked seriously "but not other times?"
Kathryn knew he would be shocked at this news and it made her smile to see the shock written on his face. With a deep heavy sigh she admitted to him seriously "no other times I am glad I got out, able to have my own life again" it was the first time she had come close to speaking aloud how she felt about her time in Starfleet, deep down how she felt, how it robbed her life, how it confined her into being a certain way, how it denied her and then lost her everything she had loved and held dear and how ultimately it cast her aside like she was nothing.
Chakotay was still shocked, he had never thought she would say something like that; she had refused to come to Trebus with him many years ago because the pull to Starfleet was too big for her, and she couldn't or wouldn't give up that dream. Not then, not for him. Still shocked he looked right at her and gasped "but it was your dream" he kept his eyes on her and watched the painful emotions play across her face. There was a long silence before she turned back to him.
All she offered in confirmation of the part she had played in their separation was an honest admission of a time past "it was" Chakotay saw in her eyes when she said that that with the loss of that dream she lost part of herself, she lost her will. She lost everything that made her. Chakotay suddenly realised her injuries didn't bother her not because she was pretending or stubborn or proud but because they sincerely didn't bother her, there was a greater pain in her life to contend with, the loss of direction and dream. Chakotay was about to say something further when she smiled her wistful smile and asked him firmly "Talking of dreams, when do you return to Trebus?" Chakotay stopped and stared at her, it had been only a few hours earlier she had asked him to stay, and he was planning on it, for her he would stay this time. He had made that mistake five years ago, he wasn't about to make it again. If she really asked him to stay he would but now she seemed so sure she wanted him to go. The serious, indignant look in her eyes, almost a plea, but a plea for what he wasn't sure. A plea for him to go or stay?
Watching her closely he felt hurt and angry as he insisted "I don't" she appeared to be going back on her request for him to stay with her on Earth, a request he had taken very seriously and now just like she always did she was throwing it back in his face like it didn't even matter to her.
"What?" Kathryn gasped feeling confused as she began rubbing her forehead, she had just gotten used to life the way it was before he showed up, now everything she understood and had built up for herself was lost. She didn't want this, not after he had declared his love for her and asked her to have the operation, fear that was her problem but he would never understand that.
Chakotay's breathing was heavy as he looked right at her firmly and insisted "A few hours ago you told me you wanted me to stay with you, that is just what I plan to do." He was hurt she would push him away even now, after all they had shared these last few days and he was fed up of her discarding him to the side whenever she felt like it was too difficult for her to face.
Snapping at him she said "You don't have to, it was rash what I said" she hoped it would be enough to wave him away even though deep down she knew it was never going to be enough.
Chakotay was confused as he stood in the dusk winter air and stared at her, tomorrow was Christmas eve, he had hoped to share the holiday with her, and maybe much more, even half an hour ago in the café there had still been that hope, but now, now she seemed so distant. She was not the Kathryn Janeway he knew, she was scared about something and was pushing him away because of fear. She was not a rash person; the Kathryn Janeway he knew would not open her mouth and rashly say what she didn't mean. She had meant to want him to stay on earth but something had scared her and made her change her mind. Taking her shoulders in his hands and searching her eyes and found no emotion there, nothing he whispered deeply and purposefully "nothing you say is rash or without purpose"
Kathryn scowled at him and turned away then as though the last conversation wasn't even happening she added casually "It's been a while since I have come to Fisherman's Warf"
Chakotay took a deep breath and tried to reign in his anger, there was a reason she was acting this way and he wanted to know what it was but if he knew Kathryn Janeway she would only tell him when she was ready, he simply had to sit tight, wait and go along with her. Taking in a rage deep breath he asked "a while?"
She smiled at him but her smile faltered once she saw the look of confusion and uncertainty drawn across his face, it caused the uncertainty in her which she was trying to hide away to surface. Taking her own deep breath she looked away from him quickly and added "since before I took command of Voyager" when Chakotay made no effort to say anything else he just stared at her, in the last fifteen minutes since their leaving the café she had changed, she wasn't quite herself and he wanted to know what had caused it. She was jumpy, agitated, distant, uncaring. Though he hated feeling that way about her because he knew she cared. As she continued to explain her last visit to Fisherman's Wharf she looked distant, almost a wistful, longing. "Mark and I sometimes came here when…" but her voice trailed off and tears filled her eyes as she tried to turn from Chakotay "Oh…" she said hurriedly and full of shame "sorry Chakotay"
Chakotay really was concerned now was he looked at where she stood, awkwardly silhouetted in the dusk sky with the cold air around them, it was only four o'clock in the afternoon but the winter days were short and brisk. Concerned he looked her up and down, searched her for some indication of what was going on but found none "Kathryn?" he asked gently and cautiously "is everything OK?" she gave him a quick nod and she muttered something about she shouldn't have mentioned Mark. Grabbing her hand Chakotay tried to offer a soft caress even though he had no idea where she was coming form or what was going through her mind. "It's ok, Mark is part of you" he whispered reassuringly but the shocked and offended expression on her face caused him to correct himself "part of your history I mean" he insisted "I don't hold claim over you now and I certainly don't hold claim over your memories" he whispered deeply as he tried to gauge her reaction.
Tears filled her eyes as she turned back to him and placed her hand on his chest and whispered "oh Chakotay" her hand moved up to cup his face as she stepped within inches of where he was looking down at her "You do, you live in many of my thoughts and memories" she whispered so lovingly and she caressed his cheek with her thumb "sometimes at night I think of you and wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking, who you are with, if you ever think of me" then her hand dropped and she added with shame "If you ever forgave me for what I did"
Chakotay was so shocked and so full of love as he met her eyes and whispered "Kathryn, my dear Kathryn" as he leaned lower to her he wrapped his arms around her and without giving her chance to reply his lips claimed hers in an act of true love.
