He was angry and if he was honest more with himself than anything else. He flopped down onto the grass and lay backwards under the sun. He wanted to phaser himself for the way he had just walked out on her. For the whole way he had been these last five years. He let his eyes shut and he took deep heavy breaths. The beautiful face of the woman he loved filled his mind. Her auburn hair, the way it had blown in the wind as her eyes sparkled. Her skin was pale and yet her lips and cheeks rose coloured. She always had an air about her, a freedom and yet a stiffness which kept her confined in a prison of her own making. He had never been able to fully reach her yet over the last few years he wasn't sure he had really tried. He had lost sight of everything over the years. She had always been unable to fully express her feelings. He had tired to understand what she had told him that morning but he didn't even know where to begin. As he lay on the grass his mind wondered back to New Earth, he wasn't sure when he had begin falling in love with her but that had been the first time he had realised he had loved her. He had known then she loved him but as soon as their rescue came she had shut him out and ordered him not to talk about the feelings they had grown for each other. They had waited for each other, at least she had waited for him, except she had never told him as much. He had turned to Seven to fill his bed and it had hurt her. After seven years they had returned to the Alpha Quadrant and they had started a close relationship. A smile played on his lips where he lay as he thought of their relationship seven years ago which had lead to a quick engagement and her pregnancy with their child. Re smiled at the memory of the moment she had told him she was with child. His child. His daughter. In all the pain of her loosing the child, his belief that she had terminated and his leaving earth for five years. Rubbing his forehead tears filled his eyes. She was an amazing woman but he couldn't understand. When had she been a captor of the Cardassianas? Why did she never tell him? Yet as he lay letting his tears fall for her he knew it was time to simply admit his love for her. So much pain had passed between them and so much time had gone. Today he was going to tell her exactly how he felt and he didn't plan to look back.
Ten minutes later he was stepping through the doors of her den into her private sanctuary . He had no idea what he was planning to do or say, all he knew was it was time they stopped fighting. It was time they hashed it out, one last time. He had decided that day was the day. Slowly, very slowly she stood from her sofa where she had been sat with a PADD in her hand. She threw the PADD on the sofa behind her and met his eyes. "Hello Commander."
He had known as soon as he had chimed the door that she would know who it was and a slight smile had played on his lips as he saw her not surprised or fazed at all by his presence but if he was honest when she had used his rank it had hurt. She had used his rank on Voyager as a way of keeping him at arms length "Commander?" he asked softly.
Her eyebrow shot up in an arch, her arms folded and she tilted her head slightly narrowing her eyes as she asked in a deep tone "You are still a Commander, are you not?" Chakotay saw the crooked smile playing on her lips and he met it with a dimpled smile.
Technically that was true, he never left Starfleet at least not the second time. His job on Trebus was technically a Starfleet mission "Yes" He told her refusing to take his eyes off her as she turned her back on him and began walking away from him.
"A fine one too" she remarked with a glance over her shoulder.
He flashed his dimples at her as he let out a laugh and replied "thank you"
She smiled back at him and nodded towards her replicator asking "Tea?" At this question Chakotay visibly relaxed, she was inviting him to stay. She wasn't kicking him out. Kathryn didn't miss the way he relaxed as she nodded to her indicating he wanted a tea. She was tired, really tired, she was fed up with all the arguing and she knew he was too. They lived light years from each other, they couldn't keep chasing each other across star systems for another five years.
Walking over to him and handing him the mug of tea she had just replicated she gestured for him to sit with her at her seating area. "Thank You" he smiled looking at the tea in his hand as he sat on the chair across where she sat on the sofa.
She was watching him as she took sips from the coffee mug she had in her hand. He didn't say anything she just deflected his gaze around the den, looking anywhere but her. After a long silent pause she leant back in her sofa and asked "Why are you here Chakotay?" She held him in her eyes and calmly waited for her reply.
He looked at her and replied just as calmly "I wanted to apologise."
She tilted her head slightly, took another sip of her drink and asked "Oh?"
"for walking off before" he told her looking away from her unable to hold her in his gaze.
She gave him a crooked smile and then nodded acceptance of his apology but them told him "I am asking why you are here, on earth again." He looked at her and straightened is back as she asked softly "why leave Trebus?"
Chakotay took a long sip of his tea then looked down at the mug in his hand and swished the liquid around and told her seriously "I needed to see you" without looking up form the contents of his mug.
"Why?"
"You came to Trebus, made me believe you were looking for a future for us." Her brows drew together as she scowled at him "made me believe you loved me"
Turning slightly she looked out of the window behind her which reminded him so much of the way she would sit in her ready room on Voyager. Willing herself to tell him "Not loved Chakotay, love" then turning back to him she insisted "I love you" Chakotay was surprised but not wanting to get his hopes up, too often he had been hurt by her professions of life. The it came, just as he had expected, "however-"
"However what?" he cut across her angrily.
"I love you" she insisted her eyes wide "always have" then once again turning away she closed her eyes and told him "however I am hurt. This has to stop."
|Sadly he agreed with her, he didn't know how much more of this constant fighting and butting heads he could take, they either sorted it out then and there or he goes back to Trebus and never saw her again, they couldn't keep on this way. "I am sorry" he told her "I don't want to keep fighting." When she didn't respond he told her softly "I love you too"
Turning to him with tears in her deep eyes and whispered "I know" but she knew that wasn't enough.
