Chakotay watched her pace the room. She looked frantic and she looked sad. He wasn't sure how he felt himself but he could see she was about to end the conversation, she was going to say it wouldn't work and then she was going to ask him to leave. He knew her too well. "Can we start again?" He asked softly which forced her to stop dead in her tracks and spin around to face him.
"Start what again?"
"Our relationship?" came his response. He wasn't sure where that came from. Deep in side of him he longed for her, he had come to see her and he wasn't going away anytime soon.
Her eyes were sad and full of tears as slowly ever so slowly she walked towards him keeping her eyes transfixed on his. She didn't know what to think or what to make of it all. "Oh Chakotay" she sighed shaking her head at him. How could he possibly think they could salvage a relationship out of this.
"no Kathryn really" he insisted looking at her knowing what she was thinking. He met her eyes and saw the worry there. Moving closer to her he took her hands and looked down at her. He felt a pang of sadness as she turned her face away though she didn't pull her hands from his grip. "It doesn't bother me you have Borg nano-probes inside you" he insisted rubbing her knuckles with his thumb. When she made no response he told her "it doesn't bother me you have a cardassian son."
It felt like an eternity. She kept her face turned form his and wouldn't look at him. He felt the rise and fall of his chest as he watched her, waiting desperately for her response. Slowly, ever so slowly she turned to him and told him "It should." Her voice cracked at she spoke and tears began to fall down her cheeks.
Smiling slightly Chakotay gave her hands a reassuring squeeze and insisted softly "well it doesn't"
Kathryn broke into almost uncontrollable tears before she managed to mumble between sobs "What if it bothers me?"
Pulling her into a tight embrace Chakotay stoked her back and hair as he told her "then we will work through it, together." Kathryn could tell he was serious and she felt a slight bit of comfort in that.
Allowing herself to fall into him she reached up and wrapped her arms tightly around the man she loved as she rested her head on his chest and asked quietly "what if all these last few years bother me?" Chakotay could feel her trembling in his arms. He didn't know if she was afraid or just so tearful her body shook but it made him sad.
Looking down at her he planted a small kiss on top of her head in her auburn hair and whispered "You're telling me you want to say no?" Chakotay was sad but not surprised.
"I don't want to." She insisted looking up into his eyes but still with her arms tightly around his body.
With a dimpled smile he met her sad eyes and said "then don't" with a hint of a laugh in his voice.
"What about all the fighting" she asked him seriously "all the mistrust." Then shaking her head sadly she added "we can't just forget that."
"we can if we promise ourselves we will."
Pulling away from him she shook her head. Slowly she walked to her window and turned once more to look out at the vast land beyond "it's a nice dream Chakotay." She told him as she leaned forward and rested the palms of her hands on the window ledge and lowered her head.
"it's more then a dream."
"What about Trebus?" Kathryn snapped raising to her full height and turning to him suddenly. At the Question Chakotay looked sad and lowered his gaze pulling on his ear, which is what he did when he felt like he was in an impossible situation. "see" Kathryn snapped gesturing her hand towards him and turning around again shaking her head in exasperation, realising he hadn't even thought about the fact the had both had separate lives in different star systems from each other.
"where do you want to live?" He asked calmly.
Rubbing her forehead and lowing her gaze to the floor Kathryn growled before saying warily "Here we are again" flopping into her sofa and rubbing her tense neck she told him calmly "this is what tore us apart seven years ago Chakotay"
"Not this time" he insisted firmly moving to her and knelling to the floor in front of her and taking her hands "I'll move to Earth if that's what you want."
"no!" She hissed pulling her hands from his. He looked shocked at her indignant expression. Softening a little she sighed and put her hand lovingly on his cheek as she caressed the skin, met his eyes with her tear filled eyes and gave him a sad smile "Chakotay, I will not let you give up Trebus"
Chakotay felt sad as he realised what she was really saying. He filled in for her "But you wont move there."
"I can't leave my family." She snapped at him. When he looked confused she gestured with her hand out of the window "Tom, B'Elanna, Sam and Naomi." Then turning back to him she added softly "Seven." Chakotay had to smile slightly at the mention of Seven. The younger woman had always been like a child to her even of she didn't get to see her much recently.
Chakotay stood up and sat beside her on the sofa. Kathryn kept her eyes down at the hands where they rested on her lap. He watched her intently and knew he couldn't leave her, not this time. His heart was for her and for her alone. As Kathryn sat slightly unsure next to him trying to hold in her own emotions and keep her feelings in check. Reaching out Chakotay took her fidgeting hand and said seriously "I want to be where you are" Slowly she turned her face to look at him, she looked confused and went to say something when he told her "Trebus is getting along much better than anticipated."
Lowering her head and rubbing her forehead she shook her head and told him in a deep husky voice "You are just saying that now because you think it's what I want to hear."
"Kathryn I want to marry you." His words came firm, serious and suddenly. Neither of them had expected him to say that. As Kathryn stood looking shocked he slowly rose to meet her. "more than anything." He insisted which didn't seem to help very much with her look of shock.
Her eyes were wide, her breathing was heavy and the shock still evident on his face. "Talk about a turn around." She shouted shaking her head.
Chakotay didn't give up. Stepping towards her he met her eyes as he saw confusion, sadness and shock there. He felt the heavy pang of regret as he looked at her. "I came here to Earth to sort this out" he said gently and seriously "when you came to Trebus I felt something between us before you left, you can't deny that." He wasn't begging, he wasn't shouting, he was gentle, he was sincere and he was so unsure how this would go he was watching her intently trying to read her and found he could see what she was thinking.
Hanging her head slightly and turning almost fully from him she admitted sadly "no." She didn't even want to deny that her last night on Trebus she had felt something between them, something that had always been them. She loved him, of course she did, she always had. Yet something in her was questioning, did she want to marry him? Could she marry him? Everything seemed like such a blur. Not so long ago they had been arguing, he had refused to see her. He had even hit her in the face and now suddenly after all this time, after all they had been through together he was proposing they just forget it all and get married.
"then why wont you marry me?" He asked her searching for an answer, if she admitted there was something between them why wouldn't she give that something between them a chance?
Rubbing her neck she sighed and hissed at him "Spirit's Chakotay I feel as though this is the fourth time we have been here." He didn't mean to but he smiled at her use of the word spirits, she must have learnt that from him over the years. As he looked at her he saw a tear full her eyes as she gave him a sad smile and whispered "I don't know if..." but she didn't finish what ever it was she was saying.
"Kathryn?"
As a single tear rolled down her cheek she whispered "I don't know if I want to."
