She stops, her back to him and throws her head back to look at the ceiling before turning around. She throws her hands out by her sides "I can't marry you Jordan..."
"What are you talking about Hanna?"
She giggles a little bit and covers her mouth quickly
This is not funny Hanna...
"I uh, I can't marry you." she finally says when she has recovered her composure.
"Because I don't know the way you take your coffee? Hanna, look it is normal for most people to get cold feet before they get married…"
Caleb...Caleb...it's Caleb...
Tears well up in her eyes, she blinks and they fall from her cheeks "It's not cold feet…it's Caleb."
"Caleb?" he asks unable to believe what he is hearing
Hanna takes a deep breath and sits down on the couch "Yeah, Caleb." when she realizes that she has sat down without permission she immediately stands back up "Sorry…" she says as she wraps her arms around herself and looks back at Jordan who still stands by the door in his flannel pajama bottoms with his arms crossed over his bare chest.
"Yeah, sit...please." he says as he motions to the couch and she plops back down on it ungracefully and sighs as he walks around and sits down beside her.
Smooth Hanna, real smooth.
"Caleb?" he asks again, staring straight forward, his eyes never leaving the table straight in front of them.
She shakes her head yes even though he doesn't look at her and she watches him closely as they sit in silence.
"Well, there is a name I haven't heard in a while." he finally says with a sigh, before looking back at her "What the hell does that even mean Hanna?"
She runs her hands through her hair "Yeah look, I know this is sudden…and out of left field…and I am so sorry…but I just can't …its Caleb. It has always been Caleb...and I tried, I really did but..."
"And you're calling off our engagement because of Caleb…? Or because I don't know how you take your coffee and your favorite wine? Please forgive me but I am so confused."
Hanna huffs "Yeah, you're not the only one." she says as she sits back on the couch and closes her eyes. She finally sits up and looks at him "Both, maybe…I don't know." she glances back up at him and clasps her hands out in front of her "Let me start from the beginning, Caleb is back in town for a few days …I uh I ran into him Friday night…at Murphy's...literally...ran into him We were singing karaoke and we went to the bar to get drinks and Alyssa tried to hit on him…when I saw him I just…" she trails off and shrugs as she plays with the ring on her finger.
"Hanna, are you seriously thinking about calling off our engagement because you ran into your ex….fling at a bar?"
"Okay, one Caleb was never a fling…ex or otherwise…and if you only knew how much he campaigned for you over the last few days, you would feel like a huge ass right now."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that…I just…I don't understand where all of this is coming from. When I left 6 days ago, we were fine...you wanted to get married. Now all of a sudden you just up and barge into my apartment asking about coffees and wines and talking about exes." he says as he runs his hands over his face.
"I know, I'm getting to that...so after he left, I got really, really drunk and I saw him walking down the street and I yelled at the cab driver to stop and I apparently got out yelled at him in the middle of the sidewalk and then got really sick and he took me home and put me to bed, the next morning he knew exactly what drinks make me cry and which ones make me yell and he knew what I had drank without me even having to tell him...which is weird. Then he made coffee and he still knew exactly how I like it...then I offered to make him dinner as a thank you for taking care of me while I was acting like an idiot and he came over with my favorite bottle of wine and we ate out on my fire escape patio that you don't like and it was just like he never left. Like we were us again..." she says quickly before finally stops and takes a breath.
"I just…" she stops and turns to him "I've spent the last two days really wrapped up in the way I feel about him after all this time...and I laid in bed last night and I thought about it and I have never really let anyone else know me like he does, because I only want him to know me like that. I thought about my life and how it has been since he left, about us and me and him and…they've been confusing…and enlightening…and really, really hard." she stops and looks over at him "Jordan I care about you…I really really do…and I am so sorry…I know you probably feel like I have just wasted your time…and I feel awful about doing it because I did want to want this...want us. But you are going to make some lucky lady a very good husband one day-"
"I want to make you a good husband." he cuts her off
She wipes the tears that have started to run down her cheeks away "I know you do…and you have no idea how much I wanted myself to want that too…because I did…I did. You are everything a girl could ask for in a husband…and any girl is going to be lucky to have you."
"If I am everything a girl could ask for, how come you are telling me that I am not what you want?" he asks as she looks at her and she offers him a blank stare that answers his question without words "Because I am not Caleb..." he whispers and it's more of a statement rather than a question.
She kind of chuckles through her tears "And it's not just about my alcoholic drink preferences and how the effect my personality or how I like my coffee and my favorite wine...but I bust up in here early in the morning and ask you a question like that...and the first thing you notice is how I am dressed...and you ask if I am sick...because you've never seen me like this..." she shrugs again and wipes her face "He has, more than anyone else he has. He knows every secret, every flaw, and every insecurity I have...I've never really let you in because letting you in meant giving up a piece of myself that he's held for a very long time."
"You've always said you felt like you could tell me anything." he says in disbelief of her words
"I know...and I do. I do feel like I can tell you anything about my life...now. But have you ever noticed that I don't really mention Rosewood like...ever? No, because all those memories are ours...mine and his. Did you know that I went to fat camp when I was younger...or that they called me Hefty Hanna until I was like 15 and how I felt about it? No...because I have never let myself open up to you like that...because then meant I was trusting someone else other than him with my vulnerability...and I have never been able to do that."
He stands and walks over to the other side of the room and faces the wall. She stays on the couch and watches him before she finally stands and speaks again.
"And that doesn't mean that what we had together wasn't real...because it was. It was real and I really do care about you...I just thought that I could live the rest of my life the way I have been since he left and I can't...I can't live like that, and I can't...not now. It's not fair to you to only have half of me, you deserve someone that will give you everything they have... it's not fair to me to only give you half of me…"
He looks over his shoulder at her before he finally huffs and turns back around to face her "I uh...I act like I should be shocked by this...but if we are talking honesty here...I somehow always knew that this day would come...even though I hoped it wouldn't."
"What-What do you mean?" she asks confused
He brings his fingers to the bridge of his nose, "You, uh...you used to talk about him...in your sleep." he says before he finally looks back at her and crosses his arms again.
Hanna moves like she has just been shot, shocked by this information "What do you mean talk to him in my sleep? What did I say?"
Talk in my sleep? That is new...oh no wait! Caleb used to say something about me talking in my sleep...after the dollhouse maybe?
"You would..." he sighs "You would apologize for leaving. Sometimes you would beg him to came back...you'd say you loved him.." he trails off as he looks at her "I mean I've known for a long time that I am competing with him...with what you had with him. I have seen the panic in your eyes when you think you see him, and the way you kept looking over your shoulder when we went to visit your mom, that one time...just waiting for him to come around... but I never actually thought this would happen...as bad as it sounds...I kinda hoped he would never come back..because I knew that if he did, I would lose you..." he stops again and looks down at the floor "Just like I am doing now...dammit."
She takes a step towards him "Jordan, I am so sorry...but you have to understand that this has nothing to do with you at all...as cliché as it sounds...it's the truth. You are amazing...I take full responsibility on this. I just-I've been holding onto letting go for so long and I just can't."
He cuts her off "What are you gonna do if he leaves again?"
"Excuse me?"
"When we met and had the discussion of exes that is what you told me...'He leaves, that is why we didn't work out' and you've said yourself how messed up you were about it after he left you last time...what are you going to do if he leaves again?"
Good point...what am I going to do if he leaves again? What am I thinking...Caleb won't leave...not this time.
"That won't happen...not this time."
"But what if it does then what?"
"I uh I guess I will just have to take my chances..."
He walks towards her and reaches for her hand "Hanna, just think about what you're doing. Think about the chance your taking of it not happening again. I love you and if he will make you happy then I will be okay with it...but I am begging you, please think about this before you make any kind of decision."
Twenty minutes later, she is back on the street outside of his upscale apartment complex and starts to grab a cab. Deciding that a walk will do her some good, she starts down the sidewalk and lets her mind wonder over everything that has happened. Pulling her cellphone out she sees it's now 6:30 A. M.
He's not really a morning person...maybe I should grab him a coffee before I unload all of this on him...Yes, I think I will.
She thinks as she stops in front of a small coffee shop and ducks in the door and walks up to the counter.
"Good morning ma'am. What can I get for you today?" the young, cheery girl behind the counter asks with a smile.
"I need two medium coffees to go. One with lots of sugar, no creamer the other..." she pauses as a slight smile creeps up on her face "the other one creamer, one sugar."
"Coming right up." she says as she turns and starts on her order.
When she's done Hanna pays and grabs both cups in her hands as she walks out the door on the path for his hotel. She sips her coffee on the way and is done by the time she reaches the block on his hotel. She stands outside of the hotel and looks up at it. It is just your typical downtown hotel, but right now the sight of it makes her stomach do flips.
Just breathe, you can do this...just breathe...
She gives herself the pep talk as she walks into the hotel lobby and heads for the bank of elevators. She hops in the first one that arrives and it's the button for the fourth floor. As the doors shut, her heart begins to race and by the time it arrives at his floor, she is almost hyperventilating.
She steps out and walks in the direction of his room and when she reaches it she stops and lingers outside the door for a minute thinking of what she will say, how she will tell him. She pulls the card out of her back pocket and looks at it before sliding it down into the door. She quickly pulls it back out and when the light on the handle turns green she pushes the handle down slowly and opens the door.
"Caleb?"
She calls out softly in case he is still asleep as she walks slowly in the room. It's dark and the curtains on window are still closed. She slowly makes her way into the room, "Caleb?" she calls out again,
It's quiet in here...it's too quiet in here...
She thinks as she begins to panic and reaches for the lamp at the desk area and flips it on. She looks, the bed is empty and made. She sits the cup down and turns back around heading for the bathroom door that is propped open. She pushes it open and flips the switch as she looks inside...empty.
Am I in the right room? Well the key wouldn't work if I wasn't...where is he?
She opens back up and walks into the hallway, finding a maid standing next to her cart across the hall from the door. She turns around and jumps when she sees Hanna standing there.
"I'm sorry ma'am, I thought this room was empty." she says as she turns back to put the towels on her cart.
"Empty? My uh...my. I thought that...do you show that this person has already checked out...is that what you are saying?"
The maid picks up the chart off of her cart and runs her finger down the list until she gets to his room number "Yes ma'am. He checked out this morning."
"What?" she squeaks, making the maid jump backwards away from her
"I'm sorry ma'am. You're welcome to go down to the front desk and see if you can get more information. This is all I have." she says as she holds out the clipboard.
Crap. Where could he have gone? THE APARTMENT!
"Uh, no thanks. Thank you."
She says as she begins to run down the hall and frantically hit the button for the elevator. When it finally arrives she jumps and starts to hit the button on the doors to close.
Please be there Caleb. Please be there...
She thinks as she rides down to the main lobby and runs out of the hotel and onto the street to hail a cab. When one finally pulls over she hops in and quickly gives him her address.
"I need to get there ASAP." she says almost out of breathe.
In fifteen minutes, that feels like fifteen hours they pull up outside her apartment and she jumps out, throwing him her money and telling him to keep the change. She races up the stairs taking them two at a time until she finally reaches her hallway.
"Caleb?" she calls out as she walks down the hallway "Caleb?" she calls again and no answer.
When she reaches the door, she doesn't see him or a note or anything. She leans her back against the door as the tears spring to her eyes.
Is he...did he leave...again?
She sinks to the floor in front of the door as the tears roll down her cheeks, her heart beating in her eardrums. She stands and walks into the apartment, throwing her keys on the table by the door as she walks to the couch and throws herself back onto it. She sighs and stares at the ceiling, watching the fan swing around and around.
Did he really leave again? He couldn't have...he wanted this...he kissed me.
She sits up and the light flashing on the answering machine sitting on the counter catches her eye. She walks over and hits the button.
Please be him...Please be him...Crap! He doesn't have the number...
"You have one unheard message" the automated voice rings out before the message starts playing
"Hey Han, its me...ah Caleb. I had information look up your landline...look I uh, I had to run back to D.C. first thing this morning. It was an emergency...and they are about to tell me to put my phone up.." he says and then stops she can hear him talking to someone else in the background "Yes ma'am. I will get off" he says to her and then speaks back into the phone "Yeah, I uh...I have to go...look, just call Jamie. He knows all the details...I'm. uh...I'm not running..I promise. I gotta go, just call him, please."
BEEEPPPP
It rings out so loud it echoes against the walls.
He's gone...I can't believe he's actually gone.
