All My Love
Scorp,
It was nice to see you the other day, and to meet all your friends from work. You seemed surprised to see me. I thought Al might have told you I was going to be in London, but apparently not. I suppose I should have written and told you myself, but I didn't really think to.
It was a shame that we had to dash off again so quickly, but we could hardly have stood in the street and talked once it started pouring with rain. I think it's rained just about every day since I arrived in London. You'd think with this being August the weather would be a little nicer, but Al tells me this has been a particularly wet summer so far.
Look at me: politely talking about the weather like we're merely distant acquaintances. We used to confide absolutely everything in each other and I'd tell you my deepest thoughts and feelings, and now I'm talking about the weather! What happened, Scorp? I saw you that day and you were with all those people I'd never met talking about things I knew nothing about, and it suddenly struck me that I've missed such an enormous part of your life. There was a time when every single one of your friends was my friend too, and vice versa. There was a time when I was one of your best friends.
What I'm trying to say, in a rather roundabout way, is that I miss you. I can't believe we haven't seen one another in three years. Not so long ago I was in love with you, and a life without you would have seemed inconceivable. I'm not sure I feel very differently now. I thought I wasn't in love with you anymore, but after seeing you I'm not so sure. Why did we break up? I know we had a stupid argument, but why didn't we just make up again? I can't even remember what the argument was about. I guess it's probably my fault. From what I can remember, I think I had some childish reason like wanting you to apologise first. Isn't that stupid? If I could go back and do it again, I think I'd do things differently. Giving you up was the stupidest decision I've ever made.
There were a few girls in your group. They were all very pretty. You seemed to be getting on particularly well with one of them. Julie, I think you said her name was. She laughed a lot. She had a very pretty smile, and I think I'd have liked her, if it weren't for the fact that I think she might be your girlfriend. I know I'm jumping to conclusions – and that, even if she is your girlfriend, you have every right to date someone else, because it's not like you owe me anything anymore – but I wish I knew for sure. I haven't dated anyone since we broke up. I told myself it was because I was focusing on my course and other aspects of my life, but I think it was really because every guy I met I found myself subconsciously comparing to you in my head, and not one of them matched up. I know it's stupid for me to find it so hard to get over you, especially since it was my fault we broke up in the first place, but you're just so different from any other guy I've ever met. You're my best friend, as well as being a guy. Were my best friend, I suppose I should say. Not speaking for three years hardly constitutes best friendship.
I wish we could go back to the way things were. I know we can't just pretend that the last three years never happened, but couldn't we at least try again? We were so great together, when I wasn't being selfish and stubborn. I've grown up a lot since leaving school, I promise. You always used to tell me that I had a deep inner patience that would make me a great teacher and, while I think you may have been exaggerating slightly, I think I have discovered a patience in myself I didn't know I had. Teaching takes a great deal of patience, and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm taking a couple of years break, but after that I'm going to be a student teacher with the Transfiguration Professor at Hogwarts, and when she retires they might consider me for the job. Isn't that brilliant? Why, then, can I not manage to be as excited about it as I ought to be? Perhaps it's because this wasn't just my dream; it was our dream. I was going to be a teacher and you were going to work for the Ministry eradicating prejudice, and now it's coming true but we can't share it. You were supposed to be here with me when I received the letter from Hogwarts. I was supposed to be there with you when we first read about you in the Daily Prophet. Instead we were miles apart, sharing it with different friends who don't truly understand how important this is to us.
Maybe that was just me. I suppose you shared the moment with Steve, who must have understood completely how important it was. Maybe you shared it with Julie, too. Maybe it's her that you tell now about all your incredible hopes and dreams, and maybe it's her who urges you to fulfil them all.
I saved every one of those newspaper clippings, you know. I'm so proud of what you've achieved. You mentioned me in one of them. You can't imagine how my heart leapt when I read that. I must have read that sentence about a million times, dissecting it and analysing it and trying to find hidden meanings. Of course, there aren't any. I'm simply an old friend who encouraged you to follow your dream, and you were acknowledging me for that.
I can't believe how long this letter's become. It was just going to be a polite note suggesting we meet up sometime and catch up, but then I started rambling and pouring my whole heart out to you. I'm not sure whether I'll send it or not now, because if I give my whole heart to you and then you break it I'm not sure I'll be able to go on. It would be so much easier just to scrumple it up and throw it away, then write you a nice, safe little letter about the weather.
I don't want to do that, though. If I do, I think I'd be giving up on you forever, and then I'd have to live not knowing what might have happened, if I'd had the courage to send it.
Courage: that's the crux of the matter, isn't it? People always define courage as a trait possessed mainly by Gryffindors, but I don't think that's true. I think we have the most obvious type of courage, the reckless daring that allows us to take risks others would never even consider. But the other houses have different types of courage. Ravenclaws have the courage to seek the truth, even when they know they might discover something they didn't want to know. Slytherins have the courage to stick to their dreams, even when those dreams go against the expectations of those around them and might lose them the approval of others. And Hufflepuffs have what is perhaps the greatest trait of all: the courage to put the interests of others before their own and to apologise or admit the truth even when they risk rejection or a loss of pride as a result. When you compare Gryffindor bravery to all of that, it doesn't really seem very impressive anymore.
I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect girlfriend. I'm sorry it was always me who started the arguments but you who would apologise and be the one to end them. I'm sorry I was so snappy and irritable during the exams, and refused to see that the people around me were stressed too. I know you tried to put up with me, and you were much better at it than most people. I don't even have the excuse that I didn't realise how difficult it was for you; I know you too well to pretend I didn't see exactly how stressed you were about your own exams, and how much you wanted me to think about you for a change, rather than about myself. I knew what a good girlfriend – and more importantly a good friend –should do, but I didn't. I'm sorry, Scorp. I really am.
There: I've apologised. It wasn't as hard as I expected. I suppose that's because the hardest bit is yet to come. Right now I can pretend I'm just writing a hypothetical letter, and that you're never actually going to read it because I'm not going to send it. The hard bit will be figuring out whether I have the guts to tie it to that owl's leg and send it to you. I'm still not sure what I'll end up doing. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
I love you, Scorp. I said that years ago, and you said it back to me. I truly meant it then and I truly mean it now. Please tell me you still feel the same, regardless of how little I deserve you.
All my love,
Rose
