A/N: I'm not even going to apologize for the 1 year hiatus. I have no excuse. Burn me, or not. It's whatever.
Something crucial I stupidly forgot to mention is that Kagura is 16 in this fic, making everyone 2 years older: Shinpachi and Sougo (20) and Gin (late 20's still). Depending on how far I go with this story, I don't want it to be creepy, even though the age of consent in Japan is 13.
Thanks to everyone who has read this. As always, reviews are more than welcome!
Disclaimer: I don't even own the shorts I'm wearing, so I can't possibly own Gintama.
[Cabaret Bars Are Terrible During the Day!]
"Mmm salty.." Sougo muttered, just loud enough for Kagura to hear. After licking his lips to taunt her, he stole one last glance of his victim and turned away. Before the poor girl had time to compose a coherent string of words, Sougo began making his way out of the park. In a matter of seconds, he turned a corner and was out of sight, leaving the poor Yato girl to brew in a mixture of confusion and embarrassment. Hands in his pockets and deadpan eyes geared directly in front of him, Sougo made his way back to the Shinsengumi compound, looking as cool and collected as when he had left this morning. He seemed calm considering what just happened… too calm really, but then again, he wasn't called the Prince of the Sadists for nothing.
Kagura, on the other hand, was an absolute wreck. She lost her unfinished popsicle, felt publicly humiliated by Okita Sougo, and unexpectedly had her first kiss-all in the span of a few minutes. She willed herself to her feet, grabbed her parasol, and sprinted back home with Sadaharu in tow, all while boiling on the inside from exasperation and confusion. By the time she arrived at Yorozuya Gin-Chan, the heat of her face had gone down considerably but her eyes were still bleary with unwelcome tears.
"Oh. Kagura-chan, welcome home," Shinpachi commented routinely. However his greeting was swiftly met by a violent slam of the front door as Kagura wordlessly dashed by both him and Gintoki on her way to the closeted bedroom. Both men blinked curiously in the direction of the Yato girl's makeshift quarters, and Shinpachi turned to his mentor, about to remark on Kagura's strange behavior when Gintoki beat him to the punch.
"Don't worry, Pachi-boy," Gin sighed, flipping through his Shonen Jump. "For women, everything's a race. From their words, to their thoughts, to the blood from their [beep]-everything's racing."
That's not how it works. Shinpachi thought, but too tired from cleaning to play his usual tsukkomi role, he just nodded silently and continued sipping his tea.
[Two days later]
On a blistering Friday afternoon, the Yorozuya trio was standing in front of the Orange Haiku Host Club [1] , a seedy host and cabaret bar in the middle of Kabukicho, while shamelessly hollering at passing strangers.
"Hey there buddy, it's too hot out here! Come inside for a cold beer and the company of some beautiful girls!" Gintoki called. Clad in a gaudy maroon suit and a horribly oversized mustache, Gin tugged at the collar of his shirt with a frustrated sigh.
"Poor Gin-san is getting too old for this shit," he whined. "Hasegawa better pay us extra for standing in this god-awful heat." But chances are, they wouldn't be paid much, if at all.
[Earlier that day]
Taizo Hasegawa was down on all fours, head on the ground in the Yorozuya office. "Yorozuya-san, I need your help! Please!" He looked even more pitiful than his usual MADAO self. Mere seconds ago, Shinpachi had just opened the sliding door to see who was knocking when suddenly Hasegawa burst in, ignoring the fellow pair of glasses and sprinting into a diving grovel in the middle of the Sakata family's living room.
"Huuhh? What is it this time? And keep it down, Kagura is still sleeping and I ate her breakfast already." Gintoki replied, nonchalantly digging for gold and flicking it across the room.
"Well, you know how I got a job working at the Orange Haiku Host Club? I've been doing really well and the manager is trusting me to watch the shop for him while he's on vacation."
Ohhh no. Oh hell no. Gin and Shinpachi could already see where this was heading. How many times had they tried to help him out, only for it to end in disaster? [2]
"But you see," Hasegawa continued, "a couple of girls called in sick… and what's more is that Hatsu invited me to lunch. You know how she rarely asks to see me. So what I'm asking is if you guys could fill in for me and the two girls, just for this afternoon-promise. I'll be back by four!"
"Sorr-" Gintoki began, only to be interrupted by a desperate and pleading Hasegawa.
"I'LL PAY YOU!"
Immediately Gin's dead-fish eyes perked up at the slightest mention of money. Hasegawa was standing now, hands in the air and frenzied. "60-40!" he exclaimed. "We'll split the day's profits 60-40!"
Gin mulled it over for a bit, imagining the sweet money they would get and his plans for spending it. Unconsciously, his hands began twisting the motions of being at the pachinko parlor.
"OOOOIIII, YOU-" Shinpachi yelled in true Shinpachi fashion, "THIS IS WHY WE'RE ALWAYS BROKE!"
"Shh… don't sweat it Patsuan, I'm just practicing my magic tricks."
"THE ONLY MAGIC TRICK YOU CAN DO IS MAKING OUR MONEY DISAPPEAR!"
Gintoki, ignoring his spectacled friend, then turned to a confused Hasegawa. "Make it 80-20 and we have a deal."
xxx
And here they were, all gussied up and sweating profusely under the sweltering Edo sun. Shinpachi, now referred to as Pachi, was dressed in a bright orange towel, generously lubed up, and carrying a glossy red pool floater. Fruitlessly he tried to peel strands of his braided wig off his oiled back.
"U-umm, Gin-san," Pachi started hesitantly, "WHY AM I DRESSED LIKE A FLASHBACK OF EPISODE 83!?"
"Because, Girl-Pachi, if it's good enough for the Shogun, it's good enough for everyone else. Also, we don't have the budget for new clothes to satisfy your cross-dressing fetishes. We'll take what we can get, and this is all Catherine was willing to share."
"Yeah," chimed in Kagura after her surrogate father, "it's your fault you got to granny's bar late." She gestured to the short blue kimono she wore, one of Tama's spare outfits, minus the apron. "Besides, Anego says a real maiden should always be dressed tastefully. Imagine if I had to wear your outfit instead."
Kagura flipped her chest-length ponytail over her shoulder and groped her sleeve for a half-eaten packet of sukonbu. After popping a strip in her mouth, she turned to the now beet-red Pachi, who was quickly dismissing a mental image of Kagura in his scantily-clad outfit.
"Oi, Gintoki!" came a familiar voice. Making his way across the street was a shmoozy looking Katsura Kotarou and, like tradition, his companion, Elizabeth, walked beside him. Elizabeth was dressed seductively-or as seductive as one can be in a duck-like alien costume, yellow hot pants and a violet A-line wig-while Katsura was dressed equally as showy, in a lustrous blue leisure suit and afro hair.
"Good afternoon, Katsura-san. What are you doing here?" Shinpachi inquired politely.
"Isn't it obvious, Shinpachi-dono?" There was an awkward pause as Katsura expected them to respond in witty repartee. "...I'm promoting Club Bebop-[3]"
"HEEEEYYYYY!" Yelled Gintoki and Pachi simultaneously, with matching flying kicks to Katsura's face. "THAT'S SUCH A LAME REFERENCE," retorted Shinpachi. "Yeah and just because we're both produced by Sunrise, doesn't mean they won't sue! The author is broke and still lives with his parents; she can't afford that!" cried Gintoki.
Kagura watched apathetically as the rest of her Yorozuya family continued to fight with Katsura and his pet. Punches flew, more curses were exchanged, and Kagura ducked to the left as Katsura's boot flew past her head and punctured a hole in the wall. Reflexively, she began to pick her nose with her pinky and tossed the treasure aside in perfect imitation of her precious Gin-chan. But soon after her mucus became airborne, it fell gingerly on the head of a certain Shinsengumi officer.
"What the hell are you doing?" the officer inquired sarcastically. It was him.
Fuck.
That voice, that distinct drawl just dripping in mockery and feigned indifference, Kagura knew it better than anyone-hell, she hated it more than anyone-and she didn't want to dignify his presence by acknowledging that he was there. Instead she just popped another sukonbu slice into her mouth and coolly watched the fight that was continuing to unfold on the street.
Or at least she pretended to.
Inwardly, Kagura was hyper-aware of the presence of Okita Sougo. Her mind was racing with nervousness and consternation over the fact that she had to see him so soon; she anticipated at least a week until their next encounter. Damn it, she hadn't even had time to sort out her feelings much less develop an attack plan! She spent the entirety of the past few days just trying to bring her heart rate down to normal levels. But, as is the way of the world, you make plans and life just laughs in your face.
"Oi, don't ignore a police officer," Sougo replied to her wall of silence, the annoyance in his tone quite evident. "More importantly, what are you guys wearing?" he asked with a quick flip of her skirt. "I didn't know the circus was in town. You should've let me know, I would've gotten Hijikata-san to join in the act." Still, no response from the Yato girl. "Anyways, we got a call about a public disturbance in the area and it doesn't surprise me that you guys are behind it."
"Hmph," was Kagura's well thought out response. Brilliant. She was at a loss on where to start with the personal plague that was Okita Sougo.
How is he acting so calm?! Did he forgot about the whole k-kis-assault on my lips?! Holy crap, did he see my panties when he flipped my skirt?
A blush was beginning to stain her cheeks, but she resigned herself to ignoring him until she could get her own thoughts sorted out.
"Excuse me, Okita-san," interrupted a random police officer, "I think we have a bigger case here. Look."
Sougo turned his head and saw Katsura Kotarou's unmistakeable, long, raven hair poorly peeking out of an ill-fitting wig. Immediately Sougo released one of his rare and short-lived bursts of energy as he began sprinting in the JOI leader's direction.
"Kaaaatssuuuurraaa! You're not getting away today," Sougo bellowed, temporarily forgetting the vermillion haired Yato. He charged into the fray of people while unhitching the katana from its sheathe.
Katsura, now aware of the police presence, yanked himself from Gintoki's headlock and pulled Elizabeth's hand to escape. The partners jumped on a conveniently placed stack of rice crates and lifted the hem of Elizabeth's dress, revealing an even more conveniently stashed jet pack. Before Sougo and the officer could reach them, Elizabeth strapped herself in, and after starting the engine, she took Katsura in her arms bridal-style, preparing them both for lift off.
"See you later, space cowboy." Katsura yelled, finally out of physical reach of the Shinsengumi forces.
"Ugh, damn it, not again…" groaned the nameless officer to his captain. Okita Sougo, faced with yet another failed attempt to capture the infamous Master Escape Kotarou, just sighed to himself and tucked his sword back into its sheathe beside him. He was used to this by now as all of his attempts to apprehend Katsura were done half-heartedly. All the yelling and bazookas were mainly for show, to fool the citizens of Edo into thinking he was so dedicated to his job, while simultaneously providing opportune moments to "accidentally kill Hijikata-san in the frenzy of battle."
But now that Katsura had escaped, Sougo's attentions shifted back to the young teen sitting idly nearby. He prodded Kagura's legs with the blunt end of his scabbard, but she continued to look past him.
"You know," he huffed, "it's very disrespectful to ignore your elders. Danna's done a pretty shit job in raising you with manners, not that I'm surprised." Kagura's eye began to twitch and her fists balled up; Sougo was glad to finally incite any kind of reaction from the girl.
"As much as I hate to admit it, maybe Hijikata-san was right all along and he really is just a good-for-nothing samur-"
SLAM
Immediately Sougo's world went dark. He could hear the faint cracking of wood and the pitter-patter of falling debris. When he tried to open his eyes and move his body, a soreness weighed on him, heightened only by dozens of little splinter pricks from all angles. Inhaling through a heavy dust cloud and cursing profusely, Sougo lifted himself off what was once part of the bar's wall. Everyone stared as he got back on his feet and faced a seething Kagura directly in front of him. Her shoulders bounced with laboured breaths, but her voice was as clear as day.
"Don't ever talk about Gin-chan like that, bastard! Sure, he has the sweet tooth of a child and the eyes of a dead fish, and, yeah, he plays with a doll of Ketsuno Ana sometimes, and-wait, what was I saying?"
Sougo's face immediately relaxed as Kagura retraced her argument; it looked like she wasn't as upset as he initially thought and the throw was yet another example of uncontrollable Yato strength.
"Oh yeah!" Kagura continued. "And so what if he still wears pink strawberry boxers?! Even with all that, he's still more of a man than you'll ever be!" By this point, Kagura and Sougo had forgotten about all the other people observing them, including the remaining Yorozuya members and random police officer. There was a pregnant pause as everyone anticipated Sougo's next move.
"Hmm… interesting. Be careful there, China, I might really take you up on that challenge." He remarked with a devious smirk. Unfortunately, any and all provocation was lost in Kagura's dense head.
"Huh? What challenge? I'm just trying to tell you that you're being a jerk."
Sougo blinked twice in disappointment. He should've expected that, and now he would have to spell it out for her. He stepped in Kagura's direction and leaned forward as he passed by. Now at ear-level, Sougo spoke softly, just loud enough for her to hear.
"Obviously, if you don't think I'm a real man, I'll just have to prove it to you." He winked slyly and continued walking back to the squad car parked a few stores down. The small crowd's eyes continued to follow him as Sougo climbed into the cruiser and started the engine.
"Hey~ Let's get going." He called to the unnamed police officer, his usual deadpan drawl was back.
"U-Um sir, shouldn't we arrest these two for starting a public fight?" The Shinsengumi officer asked while cocking a finger at the remaining Yorozuya members beside him.
"Nah, it's fine. They're not worth the trouble, and my weekly drama starts in 30 minutes." And with that, the officer scurried quickly back to the police car, not wanting to cross Captain Okita when it came to his soap operas. The remaining crowd dispersed as the Shinsengumi members drove away, leaving only a concerned Shinpachi and Gintoki to deal with the aftermath of that exchange. They turned hesitantly back to Kagura who was now shaking with aggression. Sweating bullets, Gintoki took careful steps in approaching her like he was about to defuse a bomb. He placed a sweaty hand on her shoulder and remarked with a cracking voice.
"Ha… Hahaha ha, t-that Soichiro-kun, always playing pranks. Look, Kagura, I don't know what he said to you, in fact, I don't want to know, but you can't just throw people through buildings like that. Gin-chan doesn't have the money to pay for that stuff."
Suddenly, Kagura spun around and buried her face in the Yorozuya boss' shirt.
"Gin-chan, I hate him. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! That bastard only lives to piss me off, I'm sure of it!" She cried while pounding her fists into his chest. In a rare moment of fatherly instincts, Gin gently rubbed the top of her head while Shinpachi lay a brotherly hand on her shoulder.
"It's okay, Kagura-chan, it's probably just a phase. He won't be bothering you forever."
"Yeah," Gintoki half-joked, "and if he does, we can make his disappearance look like an accident."
Kagura was barely sniffling now and wiped her nose on the collar of Gin's dress shirt. With a small smile, she nodded at her precious family members while hooking her arms with theirs.
"Let's stop by the grocery on the way home, I'm running low on sukonbu." She commanded with new-found confidence. The two men only bowed their heads in agreement and let her lead them side-by-side to their next destination.
[Later that day]
A giddy Taizo Hasegawa was on his way to the bar with Hatsu in hand.
"Wait 'til you see the inside, it's a real high-class establishment!"
Turning the corner, Hasegawa expected to see his trusty friends outside, advertising and trying to quell a long line of patrons entering the club. Instead he was greeted with a giant hole in the front wall, and shards of wood littering both the inside and outside floor. A homeless man was making his way through the makeshift window, carrying a bottle of expensive sake in each hand. Hatsu gasped, turning to Hasegawa for an explanation.
After a long pause, he dropped to his knees.
"I need to stop asking those guys for help."
Notes:
[1] Orange Haiku Host Club: A horrible, terrible reference to Ouran High School Host Club….imsosorry.
[2] It seems whenever the Yorozuya trio get involved in Hasegawa's affairs, things go wrong. See ep. 7 for losing his job, ep. 26 for the convenience store, and ep. 120 for the sushi restaurant.
[3] Club Bebop and Katsura/Elizabeth's dress: Another lame reference, this time to Cowboy Bebop.
A/N: Yeah, this didn't turn out at all like I had planned. I try and form an outline, but Okita effs it all up when I write the actual story.
So it may seem kind of OOC for Kagura to spend a lot of time sorting out her thoughts (she's definitely the kind of girl who would talk with just her fists), but I'd like to think she's so thrown off by that "encounter" with Okita she can't think straight. I'd also like to think she's a BIT more mature at 16, but only enough that it doesn't ruin her impulsive charm.
Lastly, I'm going to try and update this more often. Seriously. I hope.
