Act 20: Cath
I'm heaving, desperately trying to fill my lungs with oxygen but the feel of Sara's hands on me makes that simple task very difficult. What was intended to be a small kiss turned into a deeper one which turned into a heavy make-out session which is turning heavier by the second.
I shiver when Sara's mouth finds a weak spot on my neck, I hold her face there not wanting the sensation to stop. I'm addicted to Sara, to her touch, the smell of her skin, her lips, her hands, everything about her drives me insane.
I bring her mouth back on mine and kiss her passionately. My whole body is burning hot with desire, a moan reverberates in our mouth when I feel her thigh pressing onto my centre. I fumble with the button of her shirt, as soon as it's open my hands explore her exposed flesh; the feeling of her skin under my palm is incredible. She tears her mouth away from mine, her eyes are closed and she's drawing shaking breaths; I bring one hand to her face to pull her into another kiss while I caress her back.
I whimper when her hand sneaks under my top and my hand contracts on her flesh when her thumb brushes the outline of my breast; I move my hips to press harder against her thigh when her hand delicately cups my breast through my bra.
I'm surprise at my body's reactions under Sara's touch, I feel like a particle of electricity, as if every cell of my body wanted to get out of me to fuse with Sara's.
My breath gets stuck in my throat and I tense, only this time it's not from pleasure; I suddenly feel like I'm suffocating.
Not again…
I'm violently wrenched out of my 'Sara haze' by a panic I can't explain. Sara's hand is sliding on my side, on its way to my nether regions but I catch it and hold I back for a mere second before relaxing my grip on it, trying to fight down the feeling and stay in the moment with her.
I'm surprised when Sara entwines our fingers then brings both our hands next to my head, she kisses my jaw line then kisses me deeply only it's different from a second ago, it's gentle, calmer, reassuring, all the tension from seconds ago gone. She rubs her noses together when she pulls back then settles next to me wrapping in her arms.
I'm still overcome with a fright I can't place but Sara's embrace has a slow soothing effect on me. My heartbeat is erratic, I don't know what just happened and I couldn't really put it into words even if I tried. Silently Sara tightens her hold on me and starts caressing my hair without ever breaking the silence.
It still amazes me how she's very aware of my reactions or always seems to know what I need and when.
I don't know how long we stayed like that but I think I napped. I feel Sara's absence immediately, I sigh and get out of bed hoping she's still around.
I don't have to look around long before I find her, she's in the kitchen preparing dinner. "Hey there," she greets me with her back to me.
"Hey," I walk to her and circle her waist with my arms and pull her against me.
She turns around and wraps me into a comforting embrace, I lean my forehead against her shoulder, hiding from the world for a moment.
I'm at a loss. We've been more and more demonstrative on a physical level, yet we haven't taken the step beyond the 'heavy make-out' case. I want her and I know that she wants me, there's no doubt about that, but I keep having little crises like the one I had earlier. We'd be making out, pushing the limit a little more every time, my whole body ready for her touch, and then I'd be blindsided by something acute to fear or panic upon realizing what is happening.
I've tried to understand where it all came from but I can't for the life of me find an explanation. Lucky for me, Sara seems to sense my discomfort; she always stops whatever she's doing and eases us back into some cuddling. She never brings it up though, and she doesn't say anything either when I simply pull the brakes unexpectedly on our intimate embraces.
"You're okay?"
I'm not; rather than lying to her I don't answer and just give her a kiss really not wanting to get into that conversation. I smile when I pull back, she notice my avoidance but lets it slide and I'm grateful for that.
The rest of the evening goes smoothly but later even as I'm lying in Sara's arms I can't stop thinking about my inability to be physically intimate with her.
Days go by and the situation slowly eats away at me from within, if anything it feels like Sara and I had taken a step back. It's ridiculous; you'd think I'm new at this. I have experience, a lot of experience with both men and women; I've had fun, and nights I wish never happened, but now that I truly want to connect with someone, I can't.
On the plus side I think I've finally figured out why my mind goes in panic mode. There's this lab tech from dayshift Jules who came back after an absence of a year. She and Sara used to be a thing for quite some time, I was never officially in on the confidence but I knew about it as I walked in on them making out and flirting at one of our night out with the whole gang.
I'm not doubting Sara or anything; my problem is that every day I get reminded of the fact that the offers are rolling her way and that she doesn't have to be with me, worse she can do better than me; and as if all that wasn't enough I makes me painfully aware that times has left its mark on me; and then I think that Sara's last partner was a young thing with more stamina than I can gather in a week and…
Insecurities are shoved down my throat every day and it doesn't matter that Sara is obviously into me and that she wants me as much as I want her, I can't fight them off because all this leads me to think that maybe I won't be up to the task, maybe I'll be disappointing and that's unbearable. Everything with Sara has been great so far and I don't want to be the one to make that change.
It's ridiculous, I know but the root of insecurity isn't rationality.
I let out a whimper when I'm startled by a squeeze of my hips. "I knew you weren't listening to me," Sara states with a smile.
"I was! You were talking about…" I try to come up with something but I whimper again when she squeezes me, she launches into tickling and laughter escapes my throat.
We start struggling gently, she keeps hitting on my ticklish spots; I finally distract her with a kiss, soon I want more and my lips move to her neck. We stumble until we reach the bedroom, our lips never breaking contact. I chortle into our kiss when we fall on the bed and within second it all changes.
The teasing, the laughing, the urgency, they all dissipates and our moves get slower, more intense, more precise. I sneak a hand under her shirt needing to feel her skin, and she moans when I suck onto her bottom lips. My heartbeat picks up when she unbuttons my shirt and trails her hand from my throat to the top of my chest.
She looks at her hand on my skin, her fingers barely moving, mesmerized. She glances back into my eyes before kissing me again, then her lips slowly follow the path her hand just took and I gasp when her warm breath is on my chest, the contact of her lips seems sizzling.
She draws the outline of my breasts with lingering kisses, her hand delicately caresses my through my bra; I have to close my eyes at the contact so much my head is spinning.
She takes her time adoring my flesh and then her hand moves to my stomach; that's when I tense and I feel like suffocating, my eyes shoot open and I think I can feel myself seconds away from crying. I disentangle myself and leave the bedroom, escaping to the living room.
I go to the kitchen sink, pour cold water in my hands to throw it over my face. I take deep calming breaths then try to button up my shirt again, a difficult thing to do with shaky hands.
I slam one of my hands onto the counter in frustration. I'm a bit startled when Sara hops on the counter not far from me. I can't look at her because I'm afraid I'll cry at this point. Sara doesn't say anything and after a minute or two I can feel her gaze falling away from me.
She gives me all the time I need to compose myself and talk to her should I decide to do it. As always when it comes to my insecurities I want to keep it all inside; but I don't want to hide from Sara and it's getting in the way of us trying to establish a deeper connection, a deeper degree of intimacy.
"I'm sorry…" I start with a whisper, my eyes never looking away from the counter. "I keep acting like it was my first time… and… I know you're probably frustrated…I want you, I do, I just… I want it to be perfect and to satisfy you… and…I keep getting this… feeling that I'll disappoint… what is I can't keep up… what if…" I trail off, the weight of my confession too heavy to bear.
She grabs one of my hands and pulls me to her without moving from the counter, she pulls me until I'm in between her legs. She slowly starts to button up my shirt.
"It is your first time," she says nonchalantly and I look at her in confusion. "With me anyway," she adds and I can help the shadow of a grin on my lips. "You know, I'm just as nervous about this as you are but I know that when it happens, it'll be perfect as long as we're both read to take that step together."
She speaks with calm and certainty, as if what she said was the most natural thing in the world. She closes my last button. "And for the record, I could spend days on end just kissing you and frustrated would still not figure on the list if the innumerable thing I feel when we are together."
I stare at her for a moment. "Why so serious?" she asks.
I bring her hand to her cheek and caress her delicately. "Sometimes I have a hard time believing you're real, and an even harder time believing you're with me."
She leans in a delivers a soft lingering kiss on my lips. She pulls back from an inch before speaking again. "I'm real, I'm with you, and I'm not going anywhere," she reaffirms.
I close my eyes at her words and grin, her words reassure me. It's okay if I'm insecure, she'll be here with me when I finally overcome those fears. Once again I'm surprise by the depth of my feelings for her.
Damned fears. Right at this instant I want nothing more than show her physically the way she makes me feels, but I can't.
I'm in hell.
Damn.
Thanks for reading
