Chapter 5

An Offer I Can't Refuse

The first thought I had upon waking was to wonder how exactly did the drum section for the Canterlot Philharmonic manage to fit inside my head. The follow up was to wonder why each of them were playing Throughbred Zeppelin's 'Pony Trick' drum solo all at the same time. Both of these thoughts became moot however once I opened my eyes and found myself staring down the barrel of some pony else's M.I.S.P.P.L.

Yup, now I was fully awake.

"Mr. Appleseed," a voice said from over my shoulder. "So glad you could join us."

"It seems I wasn't given much choice." I reply, not looking away from the goon with the gun. He was a pegasus with a sickly green coat, and a dark red mane. From they way he was sitting, I couldn't make out his cutie mark. He lacked the usual slack jawed continence of your average goon. No, this one was alert. Crafty. I'd have to watch this one. The voice behind me spoke again.

"Please forgive my associates for their rather clumsy invitation to join us. I would have much preferred to go through more civilized channels, but time sadly is of the essence. And there is too little of it to spend on making and keeping appointments." The speaker finally moved into my line of sight as he walked over to a small writing desk, pulled out a chair and sat facing me.

He was a pony... I think. But a really really large one. Quite possibly the fattest pony I have ever seen. Look, I mean this guy was big. Like 'I save money by going to buffets every day' big. Put it like this, each gesture he made took an extra minute for the wobbling to stop. That at least explained his rather deep, although wheezy voice. I caught a glimpse of his cutie mark before he sat down, it was of two scrolls wrapped in a red ribbons. A moment later, another pony entered the room bearing a tea tray which he placed before that large guy. Him I recognized, he was the one who was tailing me... my 'distraction'. I turned my attention back to the pony with the gun.

"This is going to go a whole lot easier if your friend would find another place to put his toy." I said, as I scanned the room I was in. It was an upscale place. Good furniture, nice rug. This was good. I probably wasn't going to be shot here. Had I awoken to say, an empty warehouse, or the back of a cart out in the country, I'd be a bit more concerned. I guess this means Luna was right. Wait Luna? Why would I think that? Something... something in the back of my mind, I almost had it, but my train of though was derailed as the fat guy spoke again.

"I couldn't agree more. Blackjack, please put away your weapon. I wouldn't want Mr. Appleseed to get the wrong impression. After all we are all civilized ponies here. Care for some tea Mr. Appleseed?" He asked.

"No thanks," I replied. "And you can call me Johnny, Mr.- ?"

"Gutson, Canasta Gutson" he replied. "I believe you already met my associate Mr. Rook, and the gentlepony in front of you we just call Blackjack."

"Charmed," I say, inclining my head. Now that I had my wits about me I had already figured out half a dozen ways to safely deal with this situation, from the pedestrian idea of just teleporting home, to the more intense dismantling the entire room and everypony in it (except myself of course). Not that I had any intention of doing either, it just gives me comfort to know that I had options. No, these guys wanted me here for a reason, and I wasn't going to leave until I knew what it was. Time to show off a bit. I cracked my neck and rose to my hooves before speaking.

"All right Mr. Gutson, I will assume that all of your names are aliases, considering that none of your cutie marks resemble cards. You said your time was short, so let's see if I can help to move this along. You wish me to retrieve something. An artifact of some history, and you need me to do it quietly, off the books. It's here in the city somewhere, and you have already exhausted all the purely legitimate means at your disposal, so now you are getting desperate.

"H-how? How could you have known all that?" Mr. Rook asks, his face a mask of shock.

"It's my job Mr. Rook." I say, pacing the room. "Mr. Gutson, for example. His cutie make indicates a scholarly life, but his size, and the fact that he is a pony of refined taste, as evidenced by his choice of tea, and tea service, says that he is by no means poor. One might suppose a dealer in antiquities? One could further assume by his choice of companions that these dealings are not always on the right side of the law. You Mr. Rook on the other hoof, are NOT accustomed to these types of things. Judging by your pallor you don't see the sun much, and since none of you three are natives to this city, one can assume you stay indoors more often than not. Seeing your cutie mark is that of a history book, and that you are associating with Mr. Gutson here, I deduce you to be a researcher, perhaps for a museum. My guess would be the Canterlot Natural History Museum. As to the rest? Simple logic. The fact that you are after something, and want me to find it is the reason you knocked out, and coltnapped a detective instead of killing him. The fact that a museum researcher and an antiquities dealer are both here in person, means that it's quite old, quite rare, and quite valuable. The fact that your desperate is obvious, by your method of getting me here. And the fact that you are on a time table indicates that some pony else is involved, that is after the same thing. How am I doing so far?"

From his seat Mr. Gutson begins applauding, not a particularly pretty sight as the flab under his forelegs jiggles madly with each clap. Of course I could have told them the real truth... that I bribe a pony at the border checkpoints every week to inform me every time a pony of interest enters the city. Thanks to the photographic memory spell rune on my leg, I knew exactly who they really were. But doing things this way not only made me seem more impressive than I was, but also just seemed to be more fun.

"Bravo, Mr. Appleseed! Bravo! Ah, I mean Johnny of course." He says correcting himself, as he pours another cup of tea. "Well, I must admit, you are correct in all particulars, but what about Blackjack? You seemed to have overlooked him."

"Oh? Well, he's just a goon. Muscle. A gunsel. No one important." I say, waving a hoof dismissively over my shoulder, not bothering to turn around. I know what I'd see, one really bucking mad goon. Good.

"Quite." Mr Gutson says, squeezing a wedge of lemon over his cup. "But very useful, you have to admit. A pony in my position isn't often required to do his own legwork. No, better to hire somepony suited for it. The right tool for the job. So far Blackjack has proven to be up to the task.

And now Johnny, we come to the crux of the matter..."

Mr Gutson rises to his hooves and begins to pace the room. I can only hope that wherever we are that it's on the ground floor, otherwise any pony in the rooms below must think there is an earthquake going on.

"Johnny you brought yourself to our attention when young Blackjack here spotted you going into the apartment of Miss Babs Seed. Naturally we wasted no time in finding out exactly who you are. Much to our surprise it turns out that you may be exactly the type of pony we need to conclude our business in the wretched town of darkness." He says, glance out the window into the perpetually darkened streets.

"You see Miss Seed used to work as an associate of Mr. Rook. It was while she was on a visit to see her old friend in Manehatten, a little over a weeks ago, that she first deduced the value of the um, object in question. Mr. Rook had recently come into possession of certain artifacts acquired during an excavation at the ancient Palace of Two Sisters. He had asked Miss Seed her opinion on several of them during her visit. Apparently she recognized one of the pieces for what it really was.

Later that night the museum was broken into, and the artifact was removed. When Mr. Rook tried to contact Miss Seed the following day, she was nowhere to be found. Eventually we learned that she had immediately fled back to this city. One can only assume that she had made contact with a buyer somewhere in the city, and had made plans to make a sale. Unfortunately, as best we can determine both herself, and the object in question have gone missing. This, as they say, is where you came in."

"I'm beginning to understand." I said as the pieces fell into place. "You believe that whoever hired me, is this 'buyer' you are referring to. You think that between the three of you that I am the one most likely to track down this maguffin of yours, and when I do, you want to be the one to buy me off."

"A rather crude, but accurate summery, Mr. Appleseed. What do you say?"

"I want five hundred thousand bits, as a 'finders fee' for your little object, plus daily expenses, and freedom to do things MY WAY. That means no tails, no shadows, and no more knocks on the head. You might damage a finely tuned instrument... on my skull."

Mr. Gutson didn't even blink. "Done. But why, may I ask did you agree so quickly? I would assume my... competition's offer would be somewhat more... substantial, than what you have just proposed."

Sweet Celestia's sun bonnet! Five hundred thousand bits and not so much as an eye twitch? What the hay am I into here? I had hoped to outrage the pony, distract him with some haggling, perhaps get a few more details obliquely. But it looks like I was going to have to play the hoof I was dealt. Time to pony up.

"To be honest Mr. Gutson, I was only hired to find the dame. No mention was made about your little bauble. So in that regard you would be the only one I would be doing business with. I assume you have no real interest in the pony herself, other than locating said bauble, so I don't really see a conflict of interest. That being said," I lean forward and look directly into his eyes. "What is it?"

"Indeed sir? Gutson says in mild surprise. "Well, I must say I find that to be somewhat of a relief. Perhaps she has yet to make contact with whomever she intended to sell the object to."

"What... is... it?" I repeat slowly, enunciating each word, and adding a touch of impatience.

"Mr. Rook, as it is your area of expertise, could you please give ah, 'Johnny', a brief history lesson?

Inwardly I groan, as Mr. Rook visibly warms to the topic he is about to launch into. I so hate lectures. And lectures about ancient relics are about as boring as they get. I briefly consider asking Blackjack if he'll hit me upside the back of the head again, but decide against it... Because I'm pretty sure he would.

"Mr Appleseed, how much do you know about Princess Luna's history before she became Nightmare Moon?" Rook inquires.

"So there's a Princess named Luna?" I say by way of reply, causing Rook to facehoof, and earning me a long suffering glance from Gutson. Much as I enjoy being annoying for annoyance's sake, I had an actual reason for being flippant. Now he should be more focused on the topic at hoof rather than rambling on about every little thing ever minor noble did to goad Luna into her bid for power. I mean really, it's a dead topic. Luna came back, Luna got better, her sister forgave her, let's all move on.

"Mr. Appleseed," Mr. Rook says with obvious disdain, "in the interest of not overburdening your mind, I'll be brief."

'Perfect', I think to myself.

"During the years before Luna's transformation, both she and her sister had occasion to acquire themselves pets. As immortals, they didn't want to go through the loss of a companion after a relatively short time, so they both decided to get a phoenix as a pet. They found two, one of red and gold, the other a nightfire phoenix of purple and black. Celestia named hers Philomina from 'filia luminis', or 'daughter of light', Luna named hers Philautemnox from 'filius autem nox', or 'son of night'. He being a male pheonix, Luna simply called him Phil.

Shortly after Luna's transformation and banishment to the moon, her pet phoenix became unconsolable. He would fly frantically about her former master's room setting everything ablaze, or would sit for weeks at a time continouesly going through his molt cycle.

Celestia, could not bear to see her sister's pet in such agony, so she placed a stasis spell on him, intending to revive him when and if her sister were ever returned to normal. She placed Philautemnox in Luna's room on a perch at the foot of her bed. And insured that her room and possions were never to be disturbed.

Unfortunataly in the months following, those of Luna's royal guard, the Night Watch, who had still remained loyal to their princess, broke into her former quarters and removed everything of value. They and other loyalists fled to the island of Mareta which lies to the south of Bitaly. There they attempted to rally an army to stage a coup, and force Celestia to return their princess to them. This of course failed miserably, and the island was raided, which ended in many arrests.

But despite all of this, the phoenix as well as many other of Luna's personal belongings, were never recovered. One lone prisoner had this to say upon his interrogation."

"The phoenix Phil, represents all that we stand for, the eventual rebirth of our beloved princess's reign over all of Equestria on the night she returns to this world. You shall never find him, for he has been disguised to appear as any normal statue, and he and thousands of other lookalikes have been shipped across all of Equestria! Search all you want sun worshippers, but the symbol of the Night Goddess will forever be beyond your grasp."

"Oh by the goddess!" I say in disgust, interuppting the researcher's diatribe. "Are you honestly going to stand there and tell me that what you three have been after all this time is the legendary Maretese Phoenix?!" They all look at me, their expressions unchanging. "You have got to be kidding me. It's a myth! An old mare's tale, it doesn't exist!" I say rising to my hooves, and facing Gutson. "I thought with the exception of Blackjack here, that you were ponies of rational intelligence. You can't honestly expect me to believe that you came all this way chasing a fairytail?"

"I assure you Mr. Appleseed," Mr. Gutson says, no trace of levity in his voice, "that we are quite serious."

"Among the artifacts uncovered at the Two Sisters dig, where several large chests marked with the symbol of the Night Watch," Rook interrupts. "Upon opening them, the items inside match several of the items depicted in Luna's bedroom on various paintings and portraits. We now believe that the Night Watch never actually removed her possessions from the castle grounds, but instead simply buried them, planning to unearth them again after their princess returned."

"You know, you could simply take them to Luna herself for confirmation." I say as an offhoof remark.

"Don't be insulting," Gutson fires back. "Any attempt to officially verify our findings would result in the immediate confiscation of everything we have discovered so far."

"And that would result in a massive lack of profits for yourselves. Not to mention putting yourselves in a difficult spot with your buyer, whom I assume is funding your little adventure at the moment." I say.

"Quite. Our buyer, although very generous when one meets with success, is not one to be very forgiving of failure." Gutson says wiping his brow. He's been standing for five minutes now, he must be close to exhaustion.

"So you honestly believe that the phoenix exists. And you believe that somehow Babs recognized it, and brought it here. And this is what your willing to pay me five hundred thousand bits, plus expenses to find?" I ask, making sure I have the terms down.

"Yes Mr. Appleseed. Five hundred thousand bits, plus whatever expenses you require to find, and deliver to us, the Maretese Phoenix.

Unbelievable! And I thought diamond dogs were stupid. If word gets out about this I'll never live it down. I'm a legitimate, moderately well respected detective, Gods, what would my peers say? I might as well start the search for Al Capony's Vault while I'm at it, or Blackbit's pirate treasure.

"All right. I'm in." I say, reaching out and shaking Gutson's hoof. What? It's half a million bits! I'd paint myself blue, wear a couple of pasties, and fly around pretending to be Rainbow Dash for half that much.

I concluded my business with them shortly after that. I didn't trust any of them of course, and they'd be a fool to trust me, but I thought we could manage to do business, at least on the surface. Providing of course, that I could somehow manage to turn up a mythical object. On that note I teleported home, and poured myself a tall cold glass of cider. I turned on the ponaudio, and went to fetch a couple of candles, one white, one black, and some parchment and my quill. I intended to find out right up front just what kind of wild phoenix chase I just agreed to.

Hey, Gutson just said I had to BRING him the phoenix. If it does exist, I had no intention of letting him KEEp it. For one thing, neither one of my bosses at the moment would be very happy if I let THAT bird fly the coup. And for another, I used to have a pet once my own self. A cute little kitten named Scraps. I know how I felt after I lost him...

(Gods I loved that kitty. But one day I came home from school and Mommie told me that he accidentally fell down our well, and went thru a portal to kitty heaven where the mice are slow and fat. I had no idea up until then, that the portal to kitty heaven was at the bottom of our well. I remember the one time I decided to go after him. Sheesh, did mom pitch a fit. She explained that the portal only worked for kitties and that I'd just drown instead. Seems like I spent years trying to learn that stupid metamorphosis spell. Never could manage cat... I wonder if the portal is still up? Oh never mind, back to work...)

It was just about time for one of my favorite shows on the ponaudio, there were many Luna themed shows out there but this one was my favorite, it's a story about a rich unicorn who had witnessed the brutal slaying of her parents as a foal, and devoted herself to fighting crime dressed as a batpony. As the opening theme to 'The Dark Knightmare' started to play, I began composing my letters to the princesses.

Dear Princess Celestia, (the other of course said Luna),

Today I was solicited by three ponies under the aliases of Canasta, Rook, and Blackjack. They apparently saw me while I was investigating Babs's hotel room. They were also seeking our missing pony, not for herself mind you, but for an artifact they believe to be in her possession. They offered me an inordinately large amount of money, for acquiring them said object. They indicated that their unnamed buyer would reward them handsomely for success, or punish them terribly for failure. This situation may, or may not be related to her disappearance, and or the attempted bombing that took place in my office. Although I could see how this object would be worth a great deal of money to a collector, and how that might be a motive for kidnapping Babs, I can't see how bombing my office during Princess Luna's visit, comes into it. But still, I can't ignore the possibility that the two events might somehow have been connected.

Now to the crux of it. These three ponies have convinced themselves, that somehow Babs has got her hands on the Maretese Phoenix. Yeah, I know, laugh all you want. But they honestly believe it to be real, and that it was unearthed outside the place of Two Sisters from some Night Watch chest that was buried in the ground.

Now as crazy as all of THAT sounds, these guys are actual artifact fences working out of the Canterlot Natural History Museum. I'm going to slow play them until I am able to weasel out the name of their buyer, but I wanted to make you aware of them in any event.

That's all at the moment.

Sincerely,

wishing I COULD give them the bird... (but, you know... hooves)

Me

I flared off the messages as the first commercial break came on. Before the announcer had finished telling me how vitally important it was for me to buy his cereal (Bunches of Honey'd Oats, or something like that), the first of two letters appeared, followed closely by the second.

I read Celestia's first.

Holy Bucking ME!

They found it? They actually think they found it?!

Listen you, do NOT buck this up! If that bird is in that city, FIND IT!

I hereby authorize everything. Blow your cover if you have to, use your alpha rune if you have to, you are officially off the chain. If that bird is in Luna's city, find it! And for the love of me, DO NOT under ANY circumstances mention any of this to Luna. It broke her heart when she came back to the castle after the six restored her to normal, only to find out what happened to Phil. We cannot risk raising her hopes, just to dash them again if this turns out to be false. I'm serious here, keep your bucking muzzle shut.

P.S. I sincerely hope for her sake that you can, in fact, find her pet. It would mean the world to both of them to be reunited. Succeed in this task, and I promise, that I will finally grant you the one thing that you have always been hounding me about. Fail, and then you'd better pray to somepony higher than me, that Luna never finds out a thing about it...

Sincerly,

Celly

I look at the other letter that has arrived. The one with Luna's unmistakable seal on the outside.

Oh buck me...