Chapter 11: Am I Going Crazy?
…
"Oh, good. That's good." I breathed a sigh of relief when the words 'she's not hurt' registered in my brain.
"Um, listen, we need to talk…" And I was on alert again.
…
I was dreaming again. I was sitting on a log near the fire. I recognised it as LaPush beach from yesterday. Actually it was more like a memory than a dream…
"Look at those hotties!" Came Jessica's voice again. I followed her gaze and saw the current Quileute pack making their way towards the cliff, that same cliff they were supposed to be jumping in New Moon. As if they heard her one of them turned his head toward us for a brief moment, before they moved on like nothing happened.
I don't know why I was remembering this now, because I paid it no mind when it happened – I was preoccupied with my discovery that in this universe there were real werewolves too, or shifters, anyway. What was that information compared to a fleeting look of one of them?
But now I was stuck with those deep brown eyes as if they were the only thing clear in my memory. And then they grew closer and closer until I was sucked inside them.
I was angry. Like really angry at the boy in front of me. My body was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to hold back something wild that wanted to jump out of me. My knuckles were white as snow from clenching my fists so hard, which was really saying something with my tanned complexion.
I was afraid of what I might do to the kid if I let go. I felt like tearing him apart and a really, really small and quiet part of my brain realised he didn't even say anything bad enough to warrant such a reaction. This has been happening to me lately; bursts of uncontrollable anger that made my body shake and my skin crawl like something wanted to jump free from underneath it. I didn't understand any of it. What was going on?
I clenched my teeth and stormed away from the kid accidentally bumping his shoulder in the process. It didn't feel like a hard bump but it made him stager back a few paces. I felt two confusing emotions at that fact. There was definitely satisfaction at his reaction while I hardly felt anything let alone stopped my movements. But there was also a tinny bit of guilt because I knew it wasn't his fault. At least not completely - there was something wrong with me.
I almost ran into the woods for privacy so that I wouldn't hurt anyone while I let off the steam. This anger issues were getting harder to contain and control and today it felt practically impossible. When I walked a far enough distance that I was sure I wouldn't be bothered by anyone I let out a frustrated, quite animalistic, growl and punched a tree with all my might.
It felt so good to let it out while still grasping the last strands of control and focusing my unexplainable anger at the tree instead of something or someone else.
I punched again and again until I was out of breath and my shaking subsided. It felt so close to the breaking point, I was afraid of what will happen the next time. I wasn't sure I'd manage to remain in control and that scared me.
It was only after I managed to calm my breaths that I noticed the destruction I caused to the tree; it was barely standing! The part I was punching was splintered and cracked. I was almost afraid to look at my knuckles. I didn't feel the pain yet, but I was sure it will hit me as soon as I saw the bloodied and probably broken fists. Shit.
Nevertheless, I glanced at the still fisted palms and stared incomprehensively. I was unharmed.
I turned around only to be tackled by a blond blur. Stepping back I regained my footing and grinned while clasping his shoulders in mock wrestling. It took me some time I realised I wasn't in the forest anymore but in a yard behind my house.
"Hey there, little brother!" I greeted when I pinned him to the ground and ruffled his hair. He growled in annoyance.
"Stop it, Em! I'm not a little kid anymore!" He exclaimed trying and failing to twist his body from underneath me. I laughed and ruffled his hair again:
"Yeah you are!" I released him and stood up. He huffed and got up as well.
"One day I'll win." He promised. I have him a light punch to his shoulder in a (sort of) confirmation before throwing my arm around his smaller shoulders and dragged him to the house. He was still smaller than me, but catching up last few years.
"Come, father is waiting in the study." I said as I dragged him forward.
"Are you in trouble with one of your girlfriends' father, again?" He asked cheekily. I laughed and shrugged.
"Not that I know off, but I wouldn't bet on it." We both laughed and walked inside. It was no secret I was the town's womanizer but ladies just kept coming and I wasn't one to refuse a lady in need of a little fun. I was raised to be a gentleman, after all.
I woke up with a thought of a gorgeous brunet whirling with pleasure underneath me. I felt aroused by it but at the same time I was confused. How can it feel like a memory and unknown at the same time? Because I was sure it was a memory. And I was sure I never lived it, too.
Argh. My dreams are getting so confusing…
I was almost 100% sure the memory belonged to Emmet. I have no idea why or how, but it felt like him. And I remembered the feeling from before. But the first part… the one in the forest I have no idea who it belonged to. I was sure it was none of the Cullens' but more than that?… I was lost. What the heck did it all mean anyway? It didn't make any sense!
I moaned in frustration and climbed out of my bed. Lately I didn't get to sleep peacefully, it seemed. It just felt like I was living through these random memories that were never my own.
I went through my morning routine in a daze wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. Maybe I just imagined stuff? Combining the things I knew with what I saw and produce a sort of imaginary side effect to this insanity with the Twilight world and the fact that various creatures existed here.
I don't think it really sunk in yet. I'm not sure it ever will. Maybe I was going crazy… maybe it's all just in my head and I'm currently strapped down in a bed in a loony house. The press must have a field day.
I don't feel like I'm crazy or delusional, but they say a madman never does. I don't think the fact that I'm a woman changes that. At least I hope so. I think… Then again, what does it mean if I'm questioning my sanity right now?
My head started to hurt as I spun around in circles. Hey, I think I found my own paradox!
Maybe I was sane in my impossible insanity or I was going insane from the impossible sanity… Whatever. Defining it correctly won't make a difference in the end.
I was thrown out of my thoughts by a doorbell ringing through the house. Confused for a second I glanced at my clock. It was 7 AM. A little early for a house call. Then my brains clicked in place and it dawned on me. It was 7 AM and vampires are never late.
Grabbing my purse and a jacket I ran downstairs. My excitement was growing with every step I took until I felt like I will blow up if I didn't see the vampire right now. So I threw the doors wide open with an excited smile on my face and jumped the said person.
"Alice!" I exclaimed and wrapped myself around her small but impossibly strong body. If anyone saw us right now it would look really weird how she could hold my weight with no problem while hugging me back and laughing her carefree laugh that sounded so much like little bells ringing. I felt like I was weightless and I'm not sure it was entirely because of her display of power. I think I was a little high on her laugh and smell, too.
"Good morning to you too, Bella." She said obviously inhaling deeply. I'm not sure why exactly, but I felt a rush of satisfaction when I realised she was inhaling my scent like I was hers and not even trying to cover it up. What's more, I felt her grip tighten on me as she brought me even closer so she could bury her face in the crook of my neck and inhale again.
Thinking about it from objective perspective I should've been concerned with a vampire having me in her iron grip and breathing in the smell of my blood so close to my neck, but at the time the fleeting thought about it only excited me more. Maybe there really was something wrong with me in the upstairs quarters… somehow I can't make myself be disturbed by it in the slightest.
"Mornin'" I breathed in again. Intoxicating.
But then it shifted slightly. I can't explain it. It wasn't anything I could pin down with my individual senses but it felt like she drew back from the hug and stopped breathing me in. I didn't like it. It almost felt like rejection and the worst part was; I wasn't sure why I was being rejected for or exactly what was being denied to me. It made me frown and look at her golden eyes. Well actually they were quite dark right now. Maybe she needed to feed soon.
I would never admit it to her but for a split second I pictured her plunging at my neck and biting down hard enough to break my skin and then moan in pleasure as she drank my blood. I know, I know! There's definitely something wrong with me. So what?! It's not like anyone of us will act on my fantasies.
"What's wrong?" I asked her, but she did a very good job at playing it off. It almost convinced me I imagined it all. Except, I still felt like she was withdrawn from me. Like she was deliberately chaining and caging whatever force embraced me before and building a diamond wall between us. Once again, I didn't like it one bit.
"We should really be going if you ever want to find the dress for you!" She said with a cheery voice and a mock sarcasm. "I can already tell you'll be a challenging customer!"
If anyone else said it, it would probably be meant as an insult, but she said it like she loved the challenge presented to her and would've been disappointed with anything less from me. But it made me think… (and effectively draw my attention away from my previous concerns)
"Well, can't you already tell which dress we'll choose in the end?"
"No, and that's the best part!" She really was really excited. "I can only see the result of decisions already made and since we only decided to go shopping and haven't decided on a dress yet I can only see that at the end of the day you'll have a beautiful dress for the ball, but I can't see what it will look like or in which store we'll find it. Now c'mon! We need to go to the car or would you prefer if I carry you all the way?"
She asked the last part like it was a legitimate question and I honestly preferred the thought of her carrying me, but I knew it'd be better for my future dress if we went by car, so I reluctantly let go of her and we walked to her shinny car. Well I did the quick walk while Alice skipped beside me.
As I sat in the passenger seat and buckled up I vowed I'll make her loosen up again and let that exhilarating feeling back in. No matter what it took. Alice sat next to me mere second later and we were off.
It didn't take a genius to see that we were driving way past the speed limits, but the speed relaxed me as I knew I can trust Alice's driving skills. There was a low background music I couldn't quite recognise but decided I liked what I could hear of it. Plus it masked the already soft hum of the car until I more felt it than heard the purr it emitted.
"So where are we going?" I asked her as I saw 'my' house disappearing around a corner.
"To the mall, of course!" She exclaimed like it was the most obvious answer. Which it was, except it wasn't. There are quite a few malls in the general proximity of Forks as far as I was aware of. Especially since we're taking about Alice here. I bet she'd drive a whole day (or more) to one if it meant she can shop for clothes.
"Of course." I replied exasperated. Why do I even bother? I love surprises anyway… I leaned back in comfortable seat and watched her as she drove, the green background smeared from the speed we were going at.
She always managed to do this, somehow. Drawing me in, that is. Even now that she was restrained (though she didn't show it visually), there was this static that made me want to be close to her.
The corners of my mouth turned upwards as I realised I was acting like a high school boy next to a gorgeous babe and I blushed at the comparison my mind came up with. Can you really blame me? Any girl could be turned by a female vampire and I was already playing for that team to begin with.
"What?" She asked turning to me mirroring my smile. "What got you in such a mood?"
I blinked at her letting my mind process her words before I shook my head lightly turning my face forward. "Oh, I was just thinking about surprises." I lied smoothly, covering up for my zoning out. And it wasn't a lie exactly. I was surprised where my mind took me.
"Oh?" It was a question and a demand for me to clarify.
"I generally love them." I obliged. "Except when they turn out to be bad…" I finished thoughtfully.
"I agree." She nodded enthusiastically still ignoring the road in front. I turned to her again with a smile. As far as I was concerned in that moment the car could've been driving itself. "Because I can see the future based on individual decisions, they are really rare for me." She continued and I was once again drawn into her by my every sense. "That's one of the reasons I like to hang out with you so much. You always come without a pre-vision and the Deja-Vu feeling."
I was surprised and pleased by her words and I remembered what she wrote me the previous day. "You can't see my decisions?" I asked for clarification. It wasn't mentioned in the books.
"Only indirectly." She explained. "I can sort of guess your decisions based on people reacting to them. It's never certain, only vaguely possible. It's a new feeling for me and a feeling that I like and enjoy a lot." The warm feeling from before intensified in my stomach and I genuinely grinned at her.
"I'm glad to hear that." It felt good that I was making her feel good. It was like I was fulfilling a really powerful urge. Maybe it was caused because I wanted the vampires to accept me maybe by something else, but I didn't care for it felt too right to even thing about trying to resist it.
"Me too." She winked at me playfully and I felt the slight change of atmosphere as she relaxed in her seat turning back to the road. She wasn't completely relaxed like I wanted her to be, but it was better than a few moments ago. Baby steps.
A smile was still playing on her lips and I couldn't help but ask "What got you in such a mood?" like she asked me before. Her smile widened and I could swear it became more predatory as she looked at me from the corner of her gleaming eye.
"Oh, I'm just anticipating your catwalk today." She turned halfway to me before she continued. "It has always been a dream of mine and I plan to go all out for the experience." I gulped suddenly feeling like a caged canary with a grinning cat waiting in front of my widely opened cage, completely at its mercy.
"Uh." Was my intelligent reply. What was I getting myself into? And she laughed her perfect and melodic laugh, like small bells ringing as the atmosphere lightened for a fraction again, which made me feel appreciative for the upcoming experience as well. Honestly, I think if she suggested jumping from a cliff onto ragged rocks under it, I'd do it.
Did this make me crazy? Oh, yes. Yes it did. It made me crazy for her. Damn the vampire beauty and persuasion powers. And damn my attraction to the minx seating next to me. How it came to this stage I wasn't sure. But I knew I lived for that excitement I felt when we first met in Edward's car, now.
I was hooked. Not that I'd ever admit it to her, I thought to myself knowing she was definitely with Jasper and I had no business ruining their decades long relationship. That didn't mean I couldn't enjoy the moments when she let go of her restraint and let the vampire out. Right?
Right. I nodded to myself.
Hi, it's been a while. Sorry about that. Anyway I'm back, now. And will stay so if I have anything to say about it. I decided to take some time and check the book again and I realized I'm exactly a week away (story time) from the nomad vampires and that will be exciting and will reveal some Kristen past, too!
Anyway, that was for a bit of teaser and no I have no idea how much more chapters that will take but maybe 1 per day (story time again... I'll try to upload once per week as I did before) from today on? We'll see. I'm still open to suggestions and witty ideas and/or just comments. So make sure you take a minute and give my writing engine a spark ;)
