Castiel had arrived to find Kevin intact, if not a little discouraged. He hadn't made much progress in translating the Demon Tablet. The young prophet was lonely, so Cas had stayed with him a while. They were just finishing a conversation about the nutritional value of papaya when Cas heard Sam praying. It was more of a scream than a prayer, and it caught his attention immediately.

The angel quickly said goodbye to Kevin, and rushed back to the motel. He appeared in the middle of the room, and instantly felt the emotional chaos. Dean was thrashing around on the floor, in the throes of a seizure. There was a dark, dark energy surrounding him. Sam was trying to hold him down so he didn't hurt himself. The younger Winchester was hyperventilating, and crying out for Cas.

The angel knelt beside Dean and touched his hand. He could feel poison rushing through his body, the effect of barbiturates and beta-blockers if he wasn't mistaken. Along with the physical venom, he also felt something darker. Something toxic in Dean's mind...in his soul. Complete and utter despair. Intense self-hatred. Misery. Desolation. Anguish. Hopelessness. Guilt. Agony.

It was then that Cas realized what had happened.

With a single touch, the angel removed the drugs from Dean's system. He stopped seizing, and lie motionless on the floor. Sam was breathing hard, and shaking. He was obviously having a panic attack. Cas put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Dean is alright now. Let's get him onto the bed." Together they lifted Dean and laid him down gently on the mattress.

"What the hell happened?" Sam asked with wide eyes.

Cas reached into Dean's pocket and pulled out one of the cursed coins, using his trenchcoat as a glove. He didn't know if they affected angels, but he didn't want to take that chance. He carefully placed it back in the box.

"I don't get it. Did someone get ahold of it somehow and try to kill him?"

"Dean tried to kill himself."

"No. I don't believe it. Why would he do that? The coins only make you kill someone you hate!"

"Dean hates himself more than anyone." Cas explained sadly.

Realization dawned on the younger hunter, and it hurt to see the heartbreak on his face. "I just thought he was drunk." Sam whispered. "I was angry with him. Those could have been the last words I said to him..."

Cas patted his back awkwardly. "But they weren't. He's okay now, he'll be fine."

"When will he wake up?" Sam hadn't taken his eyes off his brother's chest. Cas knew it was because he needed to see the rise and fall with each breath, reassure himself that Dean was alive.

"Soon. I healed him, but he will likely be in a weakened state for a day or two."

"Will he..." Sam swallowed hard. "He won't try again, will he? Now that the coin is put away?"

Cas hesitated. "The coin will no longer affect him."

"But?"

"The curse didn't create those suicidal feelings in your brother. It only intensified them. I don't know what his mental state will be like when he wakes."

Sam put his head in his hands. Why hadn't Dean told him any of this? He always seemed so self-assured. He had his moments, but didn't everyone?

But as Sam thought back, it became more clear. There had been so many warning signs.

"There ain't no me if there ain't no you."

"I'm tired, Sam."

"Can't you see? I'm poison. People get close to me, they get killed. Or worse."

"You see a light at the end of this ugly-ass tunnel. I don't!"

"I'm gonna die with a gun in my hand, cause it's the only thing I've got waiting for me."

"I'm a grunt, Sam. You're not. You've always been the brains of this operation."

The drinking. The nightmares. The bar fights.

Maybe Dean wasn't as okay as he pretended to be.


Let me just say that writing this chapter was hard. I looked for actual quotes from the show that were good examples of Dean's low self-esteem, possibly even suicidal thoughts. There were too damn many. Poor Dean :'(