Little quickie before work! Thanks everyone! xo
I halt at the top of the steps before taking a deep breath and stepping into Sasuke's room. I can hear the door shut downstairs and I feel a pang of guilt. Naruto's just trying to help me. He's being a good friend but I snapped.
"What's going on?" Sasuke walks toward me and the concern etched on his face lets me know that something's on mine. I shake my head, but don't speak. Sasuke treads closer to me and tentatively his hand comes to rest on my forearm.
"Tsunade was called away to the hospital, she wants me here until she returns," I say, trying to quash my regret. The heat from Sasuke's touch helps distract me.
"Is that all right with you?" something feral is in his eyes and it excites me. I lick my lips and nod, my eyes betraying me as they flick to the door. It's wide open, anyone could walk in. I turn my gaze on Sasuke as I clutch his shirt and bring him down to kiss me. His tongue dives into my mouth, determined to seek out what I had denied him earlier. Sasuke's fingers dig into my side and I moan as the pressure on my lips increases. He forces me back against the wall as our tongues collide. As good as it feels when his hand slides up my thigh, I force myself to break away. I gasp for air, coming to rest my forehead against his shoulder.
"Damn it, Sasuke," I try to nudge him back, shoving against his chest but he won't move.
"Don't push me away now, Sakura," his voice is thick but pleading.
"I feel like I should be saying that to you," we chuckle softly, leaning into each other. "We can't do this right now, we'll get caught."
"Do you feel like a shower?" Sasuke's mouth curls up in a smirk. I bite my lip as I try to contain a lewd smile.
"You do smell," I shake my head before I let this flirtation get the better of me, "We can't, Sasuke. It's too soon, it'd be too suspicious."
"I want you," he growls low and his hips press eagerly into mine. I shut my eyes and shake my head more vehemently, trying to close off the hunger shooting through me.
"Are you saying you'd like me to stay now?" When he doesn't answer I open my eyes. He looks like he's struggling with the words, whatever they might be. Footsteps along the stairs startle us apart and we both watch the doorway, waiting for somebody to stride in. But as the sounds of footfall fade away, we breathe quiet sighs of relief, "It's too risky right now."
Sasuke glowers and retreats to the bed, sitting himself on the edge. I frown as Naruto's words come unbidden into my mind. Then, I realize as the desire starts to recede, Sasuke's countenance turns anxious. Sweat gathers in my fisted palms as the pressure to say something becomes overwhelming.
"You don't have to stay if you don't want to," his tone is soft and he seems almost timid, avoiding my gaze.
"I want to," I say quickly - too quickly, I think. But then I can't stop myself, "I want to be here for you."
He observes me carefully as I come to sit before him again. I offer him a sincere smile. I want him to know he can lean on me for support. I want him to lean on me for support.
"You want to know what happened to me?" he rubs his forehead, looking, to some extent, resigned.
"Of course," my heart thrums almost violently in my chest, "I meant what I said when I told you we loved you."
Sasuke's eyes drop to my waist, but he doesn't ogle me lasciviously. I notice that his gaze hovers at the spot where my scar resides. He looks back to me, subdued.
"Is it possible to have a bond with somebody even though you don't understand why they've done what they did?"
My immediate notion would be to think he's referring to himself, and the choices he made. But the way his dark orbs linger on me makes me realize he's talking about me. Does he not understand the depths to which Naruto I would go, and have gone, for him? I chew my lip, feeling slightly unsettled.
"It's easy and comfortable to connect over shared experiences. Often times it creates a safe haven. That's what Naruto and I found in each other during our darkest moments. But life doesn't always happen that way and sometimes we're forced into adversity. I might never comprehend why somebody slaughtered an entire colony and left one person alive. I'll never be able to empathize with that survivor's rage and guilt. And I'll never be able to fathom the extent of that person's pain, but it's given me perspective. Things like this constantly change the way that we see the world and often times it makes us better people," I take a shuddering breath as I feel my throat close. Sasuke doesn't look away from me, enraptured, "You told me I think less of you, but that's not true, Sasuke. I don't think less of you just because I don't understand; I don't think less of you at all. You're one of the strongest people I know and it wasn't weakness that made you try. You had been broken too many times. But just know that I'm so relieved that I found you when I did. And I'm sorry we weren't there, because I can't imagine how lonely and sad you must have felt to believe that that was your only escape."
"You have a habit of imagining what might have happened if you'd been at the right place at the right time," Sasuke muses lightly. I laugh briefly and run my hands over my face, embarrassed by my transparency.
"Yeah, I guess I do."
"I think you were exactly where you needed to be," he assures me.
"You don't think if I'd come any earlier it might have been better? I might have been able to just heal you and send you on your way," I watch as he thinks that scenario over.
"Do you think we would have just left each other like that?"
"Maybe," I shrug, then admit quietly, almost shamefully, "I did think about leaving you there, just for a second."
"I'd be surprised if you hadn't," his smile is grim.
"Sasuke," I pause, unsure how he'll respond, "Why did you want me to help you in the forest?"
He swallows and I can see the battle raging in his eyes. It's not something he wants to admit. But it's something I've been wondering ever since he'd told Naruto and I that he had nothing left to live for. What changed?
"I was afraid. I realized too late that I didn't want to die and tried to wrap the cut up, but it did no good. The pain from the poison was only prolonging my fear," his gaze is fierce, "I'd come so close to death so many times and after I learned the truth of what happened to Itachi, I thought there was no worse punishment. Then I came back and realized I was wrong."
"I'm sorry, as much as I thought I wanted to punish you in the beginning it really wasn't my intention," I pull my knees into my chest, feeling vulnerable.
"I know," he affirms.
"Why did you poison yourself?"
Sasuke leans back, extending his long legs with a sigh.
"It wasn't meant for me," he says simply, his face becoming clouded by distress. I blanch.
"It was for Itachi," I whisper. Sasuke closes his eyes and nods. Try as he might, he can't hide the tremor that moves through him. I slip off the chair and sit beside him on the bed. Giving myself pause, I almost let the lack of privacy prevent me from comforting him but then I slip an arm around his shoulders and lean against him. He makes no move to hold me, but he doesn't push me away either.
"I had forgotten I'd put it on my blade, but in the end, I figured I deserved to suffer," I feel Sasuke's muscles tense beneath me. I squeeze him tighter as if I can absorb his pain and he lifts an arm to wrap around my torso, "Itachi showed me what happened. And as he was dying, he told me he loved me."
I have no words for him, I can only keep my hold on him in hopes that it provides him with some solace for his sorrow. Suddenly, our position makes me question whether my big speech to him was right. Do we still benefit from each other despite not experiencing the same pain?
Sakura seems to have a limitless ability to surprise me. Her wisdom and compassion exceed that of most her elders. Without her uttering a single word, I can draw strength from her small frame enveloping mine. How could I ever encourage her to go away? Simultaneously it terrifies me to think how much I've come to rely on her in a way that I didn't know was possible and also to think what it would be like to no longer have her here.
Her breath spans partially over my neck as her head rests on my shoulder. Her eyes are downcast, perhaps deep in thought. Sakura's chest rises and falls in a steady pattern. I find myself almost being lulled to sleep in the silence and realize then how tired I am. It doesn't take a lot to convince me to finally close my eyes, especially if Sakura is only here until Tsunade gets back. I pull her tighter against me and give in to sleep.
I feel Sasuke's breath even out in the long stretch of quietude. He's probably exhausted from last night. Slowly, careful not to disturb him, I peer toward the windows where I see the sun has started to set. Tsunade's been gone for quite some time. Although, the days are getting shorter with the impending Winter.
I shut my eyes for a moment and block out the room, the setting sun, and the faint chatter of the guards downstairs. Sasuke's warmth seeps into me and my heart expands. I seem only capable of loving him more with all he tells me. That thought fills me with hope, strangely. Now that I've admitted it to myself, I don't want to stop loving him again. I want to hold on to this feeling and to him.
But doubt creeps in before I can stop it. I can't help but wonder what this is, what we're doing. I thought we were just a one off, especially if Tsunade won't let me come back. Naruto said he's just using me. I don't want to believe it, but what is Sasuke getting out of this? I feel a chasm open within me. I'm content to take what I can get from him and really the sex wasn't terrible so I'm coming away with something, too. But then, I think, I sound like a little girl again, picking up scraps of what I can from this man. I'm not a desperate child anymore.
Feeling myself go cold despite his warm body against mine, I realize I can't do this anymore, not if I have any hope of salvaging myself. I can't lose myself to him again because if I go any deeper, I'll never be able to love anyone else. He would ruin me.
Is this rebirth? I'm taking this love with me and burying it in the ashes of everything I've ever hoped for with him. I'll emerge on the other side of this a better, stronger version of myself with an open heart. I watch Sasuke's almost serene face as he sleeps. I needed to realize I still loved him to be able to move on and have those same feelings for somebody else.
I just haven't met them yet.
