As Dean regained consciousness, he became aware of hushed voices. He opened his eyes to see Sam and Cas sitting on the bed across from him in the dim light. Sam's hair was still wet from the shower, and he looked pretty shaken up.
"Hello, Dean." Cas met his gaze.
Sam's head shot up, and he came to his brother's bedside. "Dean, how are you feeling?"
Dean sat up slowly. "I'm...not sure." He replied honestly. "What happened?"
"What do you remember?" Cas asked, standing behind Sam.
"Uhh...I took one of those damn coins, I thought it would help me find Crowley." He reached into his pocket, but it was gone.
"I returned it to its proper place, and took it to the storage unit where your father kept the other curse boxes." Cas explained.
"Oh."
"Do you remember...anything else?" Sam almost seemed afraid to ask.
"Yeah." Dean replied simply. He didn't really want to talk about it. He'd obviously survived the attempt, and the suicidal feeling had faded to its usual dull whisper in the back of his mind.
"Well, are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine, Sam." Dean snapped.
"I...hate to ask, but do we need to skip town? I found the...the empty pill bottles in the Impala." Sam swallowed hard, like it was physically painful to imagine Dean chugging them down. "You had to break into a pharmacy, right? Did anyone see you?"
"No. I had the common sense to black out the cameras first."
"Good."
"What you did was exceedingly stupid, Dean." Cas spoke up, frowning at him.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"Those coins are dangerous. I told you how deadly they could be, and you took the chance anyway. You had to know that your self-hatred would surface."
Dean looked away. "I thought they just made you kill other people. I didn't realize it extended to..." He couldn't even say it.
"How are you really feeling?"
"I said I'm fine!" Dean immediately felt bad. Sam was just as traumatized as he was. "I'm okay, Sammy. Just tired. And really thirsty for some reason."
Sam went to the fridge and got him a bottle of water.
"Water, really? Toss me a beer, will ya?"
"Not happening." Sam glared.
"Fine," Dean rolled his eyes and took a drink. "How are you doing?"
"Me? You're the one that almost died."
"Yes, you, Sam. I remember...I mean, you were pretty freaked out."
"Damn right I was! You just...fell...and you had a seizure." Sam's voice broke. "You stopped breathing. I almost lost you. Cas barely got here in time."
"I'm sorry," Dean felt horrible. "It was just the curse, you know? I'd never leave you like that."
"I'm not so sure." Sam said quietly. "I mean, you're obviously not doing so hot if you hate yourself more than you hate Crowley."
Dean sighed. He recognized the look in Sam's eyes. It reminded him of when they were kids. Dean would come home all messed up from a hunt, and he'd put on a brave face for Sammy, who saw right through it.
"Cas, can you give us a minute?" He asked quietly.
The angel nodded. "Call if you need me." and he was gone.
Dean swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood, regretting it instantly as a wave of dizziness swept over him and his legs refused to hold his weight.
"Woah, easy." Sam caught him. "Cas said you'd feel kinda weak for a couple days." He helped his brother back onto the bed.
"Ugh." Dean leaned back against the headboard until the lightheadedness passed. Sam sat next to him, that same worried expression clouding his eyes. "Alright, I know you're thinking it. Go ahead and ask." Dean grumbled.
"Cas told me those drugs were the exact combination needed to make sure you died fast. That no doctor would be able to save you in time. Dean, you were in and out of that pharmacy in ten minutes. Are we gonna talk about how you knew exactly what pills to take?"
"Lucky guess."
"That's bullshit. I think you know because you've thought about it before. Hell, you've planned it before. That's why I can't let this go. You can't just say it was a one time thing, it was just the curse, and that it won't happen again. Because obviously you've been suicidal in the past."
Dean was quiet. He couldn't look his brother in the eyes.
"All I'm asking for is honesty, Dean. I'm worried about you."
"Okay, so this isn't the first time it's crossed my mind." Dean admitted.
"How do I know you won't try again?" Sam asked softly.
"Because every time I almost ended it, I stopped because of you. I can't do that to you, kid." Dean's voice broke. "You're still my pain-in-the-ass little brother, and it's my job to look out for you, okay Sammy?"
Sam nodded, not trusting his voice.
"I really am doing better," Dean reassured him. "Helping people makes it easier. Feels like I'm making a difference, you know?"
"Yeah," Sam cleared his throat and drew a shaky breath. "If it gets bad again, just promise you'll talk to me? Or Cas, or anybody."
"I promise." Dean wasn't sure he would actually follow through with that, but right now the important thing was comforting Sam.
"Thanks." Sam squeezed Dean's shoulder.
"Come here, kid." Dean sighed, pulling his brother into a hug.
"I thought you said no chick-flick moments," Sam mumbled.
"Shut up, Bitch." Dean grinned.
"Jerk." Sam could hear the smile in Dean's voice, and that was all he needed.
Hey guys :) Do you think I should add another chapter, or should I leave it here? If I do write another chapter, what would you want to see happen? Thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed! It really helps motivate me.
