Act 37: Sara

I open the door of Lindsey's room silently but I'm surprised to find an empty bed. I don't hear the shower so my next guess is that she's already up and ready to go. I find her in the kitchen making sandwiches.

"Good morning," she greets me with a smile.

"Good morning, and here I thought I'd have to drag you out of bed," I kiss her crown and ruffle her hair affectionately.

"Nah, I set my watch at four. I figured that I'd make us some snacks for the morning. I hope you don't mind?"

"Not at all. Don't forget to bring some milk."

"You know… I think you guys drink more milk than I do."

"Now you know why we are all taller than you are," I wink at her.

"I don't think it works that way."

"Sure it does, short stuff," I chortle.

Once our backpacks are ready we put the boards on the car and get on the road.

"You can catch some sleep if you want, it's a long drive."

"I'm good. I'm too excited to sleep anyway. Which is a good thing because now I can keep you company while you drive."

I chuckle, she does seem to be on sugar high and her enthusiasm is contagious. "Fine by me."

"Alright, so I have tons of 'knock knock' jokes. Some are terrible but others are really good."

"Okay, hit me with it."

We spend the next forty minutes sharing laugh and silly jokes.

"Okay, okay, I have another one," Lindsey states even though she's still trying to catch her breath from the previous joke. "Knock, knock."

"Who is it?"

"Yah."

"Yah who?"

"Wow, you're really excited to see me!"

"Nice one," I chortle.

I like spending time with Lindsey. Catherine once told me that Lindsey could make the worst thing disappear, that spending time with her was exhilarating and filled her with more incommensurable joy and love. I can feel those things myself and I'm grateful for that.

"Where are you taking me?"

"It's a special spot," I grin. "Charlie is the one who heard about it first. He'd take us there when we needed to have a good day."

I remember going there for the first time once we were back together after almost two years of being in the system.

"It's isolated so not many people know about it, which is the greatest part really."

"Sweet," she nods. She starts playing with the radio and stops when she hears a song she likes then starts to sing along to it.

The trip doesn't seem long at all, when we arrive the sun is about to rise. I park and we get change, ten minutes later we're in the water.

I have to say that I'm impressed by Lindsey because didn't know how to surf a few days ago and now she can stand on her board and ride small waves. Sure she's still not completely at ease but she's making quick progress, and the way her face lights up when she's out there, it's amazing.

"Wow! Did you see that?! Did you see?!" she's paddling to be next to me.

She took a wave and made an involuntary 360° turn, the most impressive thing being that she didn't lost her balance during the turn.

"I didn't do it on purpose, but I didn't fall! Did you see?!" she's talking with excitement.

"Yeah, that was quite impressive," I tell her honestly.

I give her tips here and there, show off the little skills I have and just enjoy watching her taming the ocean on her own.

We take a break for a moment, sitting on our boards in the water, watching the four or five surfers who joined us; watching the water changing colour with the rising sun. I enjoy the feel of my skin between the warm caress of the sun and the cool water running on it. I always feel at peace when I'm in the water.

"Sara?"

"Yep?" I turn to her.

"Thanks for inviting us here. I'm having a great time," she nods. "I'm glad you took me along."

She must sense my confusion at her statement so she elaborates. "Usually… the people my mom dated they don't care… it was only about getting rid of me… you know so they could spend time with mom," she shrugs.

She glances at me then looks back at the water.

"You know, I'm not spending time with you to score cool points with your mom or anything," I declare. I know that sounds awkward but I'm not good at talking as a general rule, I'm even worse when it comes to Lindsey, not that she makes it hard on me it's actually quite the contrary.

"I know," she nods again and grins at me. "I know. We talk, we play, we share stuff and it never feels like you were forcing yourself or only doing this because you felt obligated… that's what I like about you," she pauses, probably struggling to explain herself. "You actually care… you make me feel like I matter."

She sighs and licks her lips nervously before going on. "Like now… you kept your promise… you always keep your promises, my dad couldn't even do that, let alone the others," she snorts.

I'm speechless, deeply touched by her words. It takes me a minute to recover. "You know, if anything I'm grateful that you want to spend time with me," I tell her honestly. "You're a great kid… sorry, you're a great teenager," I correct myself. "I'm having a great time with you, we laugh a lot and we have fun," I grin. "I can't tell you how much that means to me, so… you know thanks to be you and to hang out with me."

She looks at me surprised but then smiles, I can even see a light blush on her cheeks.

"I'm not good when it comes to express those things, but I care about you a lot," I tell her. "You matter me."

Even though we are both dripping wet, her glinting eyes let me know that the salty water on her cheeks isn't only from the ocean.

Underneath all her joyful attitude, Linds is a tough kid and part of me is pained about that, because she lost her innocence all too soon; I can relate to her in a way, I know what it's like to have to grow up fast and then learn to look after yourself and bear responsibilities broader than your shoulders.

I know that she and I never really had trouble communicating, because we always managed to find a common ground. We can spend hours debating about things like book, movies, games or anything else. It occurs to me that until now she had kept her guard up with me, and she has just let it down, offering me her trust. I know how priceless that gift is and I'm deeply moved by it.

"I care about you too," she confesses back. "I'm really glad you're with mom, you're good for her."

I'm not a tactile person, or rather I'm bad at initiating things; and I don't usually have physical contact with Linds, except for that one time she hugged me after her school recital, we just stick to special handshakes and she allows me to ruffle her hair every now and then.

That being said, if we were on firm ground I'd probably try to hug her right now because we're having a moment; as it is we are floating on our boards so my moves are unsteady but they come from the heart, I hesitantly reach out and attract her head toward me to kiss her temple, then I ruffle her hair gently. The moment is sweet and I know she's aware that I'm a bit awkward when it comes to show affection but as usual she goes easy on me and just accepts things the way I make them.

She smirks then sends a little water in my face. "Alright, enough mushy stuff," she smirks. "Do you think those guys would give me pointers if I asked them?" she mentions the other surfers with her chin.

"Only one way to find out," I shrug and lean on my board and start paddling toward the others.

We spend the next hour in good company, I even learn new tricks myself. Lindsey is beaming so much I'm starting to believe that she'll probably never stop.

I know I'll always try never to disappoint her and do my best when it comes to her, I even find myself thinking that maybe we could make surfing our thing, or that I should always find something we'd do just the two of us, having something special together.

The ride back draws as much laughter than earlier and we even sing at the top of our lungs along with the radio.

We arrive just as they are finishing cooking lunch. We go shower before joining everybody, Lindsey launches into the tale of our morning and I just enjoy her giddiness.

After lunch everyone goes to play in the yard while I do the dishes. When I go to join them I stay a little in retreat and watch their interaction. I smile, watching Cath get along with everyone; it means the world to me that she's there and even more that my siblings like her.

I can hardly express how lucky I am to be with Catherine. She's putting up with me even when I lose it. I know that yesterday I could have damaged what we have because of my issues, but she's still there, steady and understanding.

All the forbidden thoughts and fears that I had managed to pushed down last night are surfacing so I close my eyes and take a deep breath not let myself be overwhelmed.

I focus on Cath and Lindsey as they are laughing, hanging tightly on that moment.

"You're getting swings again," Sidney states more than he asks before leaning on the doorframe next to me.

I simply nod my confirmation.

"When did it start?"

"A couple of months ago," I state quietly. "It only lasts seconds…"

"But it keeps crawling back to the surface."

"Yeah," I bob my head. "I had a fit yesterday after leaving mom."

"Was it bad?"

"It was mild," I shrug.

"You talked to her?" he asks after a pause.

"No…" I clear my throat. "I do talk to her… but I haven't talk about that, about any of it."

"Scout…" he sighs.

"I don't want her to start looking at me differently."

"It's a risk to take," his statement doesn't appease my worry at all. "Hey, there's nothing wrong with you, you hear me?"

There's still a lot about me I need to discuss with Cath, it all boils down to the secrets the Sidle's house hold but this is a part of me I've never shared before; if I'm honest I don't want to share it mostly because to this day there are still things I'm struggling with. That being said I don't want to hide from Catherine because she's the first one to nest deeply into my heart, rooting deeper into it every day.

"She made it that far, that says something," Sidney points out. "Don't shut her out, Scout."

I know he's right but I still have to fight myself to open up.

"When you're ready…"

"I will," I promise in a whisper.

"Good. In the meantime, you're with us so hang onto that, alright?"

"I am," I nod. "I love you, Sid."

"I love you too," he kisses my temple. "Scout?"

"Yeah?"

He unexpectedly runs the flat of his tongue on my cheek. "Slug you!" he laughs as he steps away from me.

"Oh you…fucking…moron!" I exclaim and he sticks his tongue at me.

It's why I love my siblings so much, they know how to get through me at any given time, and how to pull me out of my funk and not leaving me behind.

Of course right now, I'm about to kill Sidney, but my mood is effectively back up.

"Payback's a bitch, uh?" he smirks.

"Start running," I warn.

I rub my cheek to erase the saliva and wince.

Eww…

Fuck.

I glare at my brother and start chasing him, a smile playing on my lips.


There you go.I know some things seem random or don't make sense right now, but you know me, like always I'm a girl with a plan, so just trust me and enjoy the ride.

I'll come back with more another time.

Thanks for reading