Act 38: Catherine
"… I actually gave that copy points if only because it made me laugh," Nancy finishes the latest funny anecdote about one of her students. "The worst part in all that is that she has a lot of potential and she's very intelligent, for some reason she's just putting a lot of energy to sabotage herself," she nods. "Anyway, I think that will be one of my objectives this year, to get through that particular student."
I grin at Nancy's determination. Even though she's younger than me I've always admired her; I'm far from being stupid but most of what I've learnt in life I've learnt it from experience. Now Nancy, she is one brilliant mind, so brilliant that she makes the most difficult thing seem so effortless it's almost scary.
"Do you want some more?" Nancy asks me mentioning the pie she cooked.
"You know I always do," I smile and hold my plate up to her.
We're having lunch at her house with Cooper and our mother. I must say that the moment is very pleasant. I've been away for a week and though I wish I'd have stayed in California a little longer I'm glad to spend time with my own family.
"Catherine, how is Sara doing?"
I almost choke on the piece of pie that I was chewing and look at my mother as if she had grown a third eye in the middle of her forehead.
"I assume you are still dating Sara."
I'm almost certain that my eyebrows are currently touching my hairline. My mother is upset not at the prospect that I'm still dating Sara but rather at the idea that it wasn't the case anymore.
I'm only shaken out of my shock by a well placed kick on the shin from Nancy. I clear my throat to cover my whimper of pain. "Yes… yes we are… still dating," I stammer then compose myself again. "She's doing well, thanks for asking."
My mother keeps staring at me, it takes me a few seconds to understand that she actually wants me to elaborate. She's genuinely interested. A quick look at Nancy and Cooper tells me that they are just as surprised as I am.
"She's still in California. She's coming back next week-end."
My mother nods. "How did that trip of yours go by the way? I gather it was sunny judging from your tan, did everything go well?"
I've had female lovers before, lovers I introduced to my mother, some never made it through that introduction but others did and then my mother would simply pretend that I was single never mentioning them again, ever.
First she allows Sara to call her by her first name and now she's concerned about the two of us still being together and her wellbeing. I'm glad that she's genuine about it, but I won't lie it's freaking me out; never in my wildest dreams did I envision my mother warming up to Sara so fast.
"It was absolutely fantastic. Sara and her siblings taught Linds how to surf, they showed us around and took a great care of us. It was really great."
"Good to hear," I almost faint at the subtle grin she sends me and then she just changes the subject, directing her attention to Cooper.
We have ice cream for dessert and since Cooper is talking about his plans for the upcoming week-end I use it as a segue for me next request.
"Mom, I was wandering if I could have the house back home for the week-end two weeks from now, I was thinking of going back there with Sara," I ask once Cooper is done talking.
"I'm sure christening the rest of the rooms would constitute a wonderful birthday gift, but unfortunately your father and I are already having guests that week-end."
Half of my spoonful of ice cream crawls into my lungs while the other purges through my nose, my brain barely processing the fact that my mother just delivered a joke about my sex life with Olympian calm; meanwhile Cooper is pursing his lips as to not laugh out loud and Nancy's jaw is on the table.
"Don't be so shocked. I knew about what sex was and that you were sexually active long before walking in on you and Sara, even though I could have done without that visual," my mother goes on, utterly nonplussed.
"Mom!" I squeal, mortified.
"You do realize that none of you is the products of some immaculate conception, right? In fact, just last week your father and I…"
"Mom! Please… too much information," I beg raising my hands in front of her.
Sound finally erupts from Cooper's throat as he's trying to breathe, his laughter only doubling; this time it's contagious and Nancy and I start laughing as well.
I can't remember when my mother joked around with such wit and playfulness. I do head-butt with my mother most of the time, it's unexpected moments like these that remind me of the fact that she is indeed great and funny and she knows how to let her hair down every once in a while.
Two hours later, we're exchanging goodbyes. Once Cooper and our mother are gone, I join Nancy in the kitchen for a coffee and so we can talk a little more. I haven't seen her in a week and didn't come for lunch early enough to talk about California in detail.
"You know, I think I'm ready to pay to find out what it is that Sara told mom when they had 'the talk'," Nancy snorts.
"All Sara would say is that she had just assured mom that she had good intentions and was serious about us," I shrug.
"Whatever she said won mom over. I must say, to this day I'm still fairly impressed."
I beam at her declaration. I'm about to say something else but my phone rings. If possible my smile turns brighter when I see the ID. It's Sara.
She stayed in California for one more week, saying she had something to do with her siblings and because she also wanted to spend a little more time with them.
It's strange, because even though I'm a very touchy person I'm usually not needy; however I've been longing for Sara's presence all week. I think it's normal since I was with her 24/7 last week.
I spend the next ten minutes on the phone, joking around with Sara, just happy to hear her. I hang up and find Nancy staring at me with a smirk.
"What?"
"It's still sickeningly sweet," she jokes.
"Whatever," I roll my eyes with a chortle. "Alright, tell me about your week," I demand as I start sipping my coffee.
She does just that, I always like to hear her inputs about her weeks because she's really funny even when she talks about depressing things. I've always thought that she could make a good stand up comedian.
I'm still wiping the corner of my eyes when she asks me to give her minute details of my trip with Sara, I tell her about Sara's siblings and our interaction at their house.
"…it was absolutely amazing," I finish with excitement.
"So you're approved then?"
"I think I passed with flying colours."
"That's good," she agrees.
The next few minutes are spent in silence and I notice that she's scrutinizing me. "What?"
"Your smile."
"What about it?"
"I've never seen that one before," she points out seriously.
"I'm happy," I shrug.
"No, that's not it. I know your happy smile, and there's more to this one."
"I'm in love," I confess after a long pause.
It's the first time that I state that fact out loud. Now that I think about it, it's the first time in my adult life that I say such a thing out loud to Nancy.
"I don't think I've ever heard you say that before," she echoes my thoughts with a frown.
"I know."
"Would you be offended if I told you that it feels…"
"Odd?" I chuckle. "No. Quite frankly it sounds odd in my ears as well; odd, in a good way."
"My thoughts exactly," she nods. "So… have you told her?"
"No," I reply almost immediately, maybe a bit too quickly because she's looking at me with confusion.
"I don't remember being in love as such a bad thing," she smirks.
"It's not… I … it's just that…" I struggle then sigh heavily. "I've said those words to four persons," I start after a pause. "Out of those four, only one was in my adult life, and that was Eddie. I'm fairly certain I was under influence the first time I told him I loved him, and many of the times that followed. I did tell him when I was sober, but…"
I take a large gulp of coffee. "In retrospect I don't think I ever meant those words. The first three times because I was young and naïve, the last one… well Eddie," I snort. "I think we can agree on the fact that it wasn't the healthiest relationship, for the good months we had the rest of it was drown in excess before going to hell."
I clear my throat. "I did love him… but still I don't think those three words really had their full meaning then. I mean, with Sara…" I can't help the grin stretching my lips. "I've never felt like that with anyone before… have you ever felt like you wanted to give everything you had, abandon yourself completely to someone?"
"Derek," Nancy replies with a sad smile.
"I hadn't… until now," I repeat softly. "It's incredible and scary in equal measures."
Nancy chortles. "That it is."
"I feel like screaming it at the top of my lungs but… every time I open my mouth the words won't make it out. There's something utterly frightening about saying those words and meaning them. I want to tell Sara how I feel… but, I think I'm still getting used to it all… like I said, it's all new for me."
"When the moment is right and you're ready, they'll come out without you thinking about it."
"Yeah, when I'm ready," I let out a shaky breath. I'm glad to have discussed this with Nance, when it comes to relationships she has a better track record than mine.
"Speaking of right moment, was this why you wanted to escape back home with Sara?" she wiggles her eyebrows.
I wait for her to have her mouth full of tea before answering. "Well that… and mom's statement was definitely accurate," I tilt m head with a pout.
Tea comes from her mouth and nose as she trying not to choke herself. Nancy is not prude but she embarrasses easily when it comes to talking about sex. Ironically, she can deliver the dirtiest jokes quite casually at times.
"You are so gross," I mock her.
"You did that on purpose!" she chastises me.
"Serves you well for teasing me," I stick my tongue at her.
I help her clean then we get back to our mugs. "What about you?" I dare ask after a long silence.
"I'm not looking for anything," she declares with a sigh. "I look at someone and it feels wrong, like I was cheating on Derek, which is silly, I know," she clears her throat and starts to rub her left earlobe between her thumb and forefinger then stops herself once she realizes what she's doing.
It's a nervous habit of hers, saying that she feels very vulnerable at the time.
Nancy met Derek in high school, they were together for most of it and then split up after beginning college, they grew up and matured apart from one another and then unexpectedly life put them on each other's path and never parted them again. They married, had kids and were just more in love with one another as time went.
As fate would have it, Derek was diagnosed with cancer two years ago; within six months he was gone. Nancy, has been strong through it all, learning to be a single parent, making sure her boys coped with the loss of their father.
To be honest I don't think I'd have been as strong as she has been. Yes, I lost Eddie, but let's face it our relationship was rocky at best and as far as fatherhood went he treated it as a part time gig. Derek, he was a loving, attentive father and husband, he was the kind of guy who only had just enough defaults not to be perfect.
Life is unfair like that.
"I think it's my heart's way to let me know it's not ready yet."
I rest my hand above hers. "Some day," I give her hand a gentle squeeze.
"There's no rush," she says with a small grin.
We keep talking then we have a nap before going to get our children from school.
The week flies by quickly and soon we're Friday. I couldn't be happier about that because it means that Sara is coming back tomorrow. I can't wait to see her since we haven't spoken much. As a general rule we don't call each other often, I think it has to do with the fact that a) we spend most of our free time together, b) we work together so we are together almost 24/7, and c) I think the both of us prefer face to face talking.
I only spoke to her twice during the past six days, we did exchange few messages though. I didn't mind the distance or the fact that we didn't necessarily speak every day, I mean a little time away from one another is always good; besides it only makes me more excited at the prospect of seeing her.
I'm enjoying a slow shift with the boys, since we all have paperwork to do, we decided to gather in a conference room and keep each other company. Once shift is over the boys ask me out for breakfast but I take a rain check explaining that since we're leaving on time I'll enjoy a breakfast with Linds. I didn't want to be teased so I didn't mention that I also wanted a little time to get some rest before seeing Sara.
While driving to Nancy's I think that I'll call Sara to invite her over for dinner; I think right now she might be sleeping so I'll wait. It's going to be tough because I feel like a kid on sugar high on Christmas morning.
The perspective of seeing Sara soon gave me a new found energy even though I was tired after the shift ended moments ago. Since it's early when I arrive at Nancy's, I don't ring the bell and simply use my keys. I know Nancy is awake, but I don't want to wake up the children.
As soon as I step inside I'm greeted with a delicious smell wafting from the kitchen. I hum eagerly and something strikes me as odd but I can't put my finger on it at first.
"Morning, Nance," I find her leaning against her kitchen counter with a mug in hand.
"Morning," she smirks.
I stop dead in my tracks when I finally figure out what is out of place. "It smells like California," I point out with a frown.
This is the way breakfast smelled when I was at the Sidles' home.
"Hey there."
I'm startled by the voice coming from behind me, then overcome with surprise when I turn around and find Sara standing near me with her ever soft grin.
It takes me a few seconds to get over the shock then I launch at her, taking her in my arms for a fierce hug then moving away just enough to give her a bruising kiss.
"Ugh… it's early in the morning, please keep it PG," says Nancy.
Sara and I break our kiss and I roll my eyes, but I smile nonetheless. "You're here," I state the obvious. "I figured you'd be sleeping at your place by now."
"I wanted to surprise you and Linds with a breakfast, and Nancy has been kind enough to let me do so."
"That's right, I'm so cool," Nancy deadpans. I can see her bobbing her head from the corner of my eye but my gaze stays firmly on Sara.
"I'm so happy to see you," I beam and peck her lips.
I hug her again, breathing her in, feeling her in my arms. Damn, it feels so good.
I can't help kissing her again, this week apart feels like ages now.
"And here we go again, wouldn't that be ironic for me to get sick before tasting that breakfast which does smell wonderful," Nancy points out.
Sara breaks our kiss and turns to Nancy. "You'll live," she says cockily with a wink.
I think Nancy is surprised but highly amused by Sara's cheek. Even though they do communicate now, Sara is still shy when it comes to banter with Nancy and therefore she tends to let the teasing slides.
I don't have time to dwell on it because Sara has captured my lips again for a searing kiss leaving me lightheaded, on shaky legs and dazzled when she breaks the contact again.
She slips her hand in mine, entwining our fingers; even as she's sitting me down I know there's a silly smile on my face.
"Oh great, now her brain has turned to mush, that should make for interesting conversations," Nancy quips, but I'm still too caught in the afterglow of Sara's kiss to care.
Sara and Nancy start talking, I'm not sure about what, I'm not paying too much attention, too giddy about Sara's presence, still trying to convince myself that it's not a dream.
We're soon joined by the children who are just as excited to see Sara as I am. They talk animatedly together, asking her to confirm Lindsey's exploits in the water, and soon Sara is promising to take them along the next time with go to California, inviting Nancy as well of course.
After a long breakfast, Sara promises Linds and my nephews that they'll go out tomorrow together to their great delight. I love that Sara has found a place among my family and that she includes my nephews as often as possible when she makes plans with Lindsey.
It's true that Linds is an only child but Nancy's boys are like brothers to her, so I can only be grateful that Sara respects that bond.
"Alright, Linds how about you stay with us today? I'm taking the boys to the movies."
Lindsey has barely turned her head to me that I have already accepted. "Fantastic, that way Sara and your mom can rest today," Nancy continues "And later discuss advanced physics," she mutters at my attention only, the smile I'm trying to contain makes any attempt to glare at her ineffective.
It's another twenty minutes before I drive Sara back to my place. The excitement of her surprise visit is waning and my shift is starting to feel heavy on my shoulders, also I think the first thing we'll do is to change and go to bed.
I only let go of Sara's hand when I drive, but as soon as we are out of the car, my hand finds hers again. I close the door behind us and wordlessly guide us to my bedroom. Once again I let go of her hand just long enough to find her batman shirt and a pair of boxer shorts, and my own sleep wear.
Sara hasn't moved from her spot near the door, she's just watching me move around an undecipherable expression on her face. I walk closer to her.
"Is everything's alright?" I ask with a soft tone as if not to scare her.
She stares at me a moment before answering. "I'm back," she grins.
"Yeah," I agree with a smile of my own. "Come on, I think you need some sleep."
She shakes her head lightly and grabs my face delicately in her hands and kisses me.
The kiss is languid, all the desire built up in her absence surfaces immediately. I drop the clothes I was holding and just so I can wrap my arms around her. The need to feel more of her is pressing and soon we have shaded the layers keeping our skins apart.
Sara makes love to me with an intensity such that it's not long until all my nerve endings are on fire and when I finally reach my release I don't have any strength left in me to even return the favour, let alone have any coherent thought.
Sara keeps covering me with kisses until my heartbeat gets back to normal, then, she holds me tight to her and covers us.
I wake up hours later to feathery caresses on my stomach. I sigh with contentment before opening my eyes.
Sara's propped on one of her elbows her attention is on the hand she's trailing lazily on my skin. She has that sombre air about her again, I'd give anything to know what's going through her head right now. I hate the feeling of having her so close and yet be so far at the same time.
I reach out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, the fact that she didn't feel me move until I made contact with her skin tells me how far she was.
Just as always when I call her back to me her face lights up instantly, like a dark veil had been lifted up. She smiles fondly at me then leans in to capture my lips with her own before giving me an Eskimo kiss.
"Where did you go?" I ask in a mere whisper.
She shrugs but doesn't answer my question. "I missed you a lot," she declares. "It was weird…" she adds softly. I frown not sure to understand that last statement. "We were all there, and yet for the first time the house felt empty without you and Linds," she elaborates.
My chest tightens at her admission. "I missed you too."
Once again her mood seems to darken; she quickly snaps herself out of it though. "Did you sleep at all?" I ask after a moment deciding against asking her once again where her mind is.
She shakes her head. "My sleep pattern is a bit off lately," she explains.
"You need to rest, Sar," I make sure not to sound patronizing.
"Later," she assures me.
I take the hand she was running over my stomach to kiss it then frown when I see a new scar. "What happened there?"
"I was helping renovating a piece of furniture; to be honest I was lucky not to be so rusty I'd lose a hand using the tools."
"Aw… here," I rest a lingering kiss on the damaged flesh. "Kiss and make it better," I grin.
"Can I have another one for good measure?" she pouts.
"Sure," I kiss her hand again.
A smirk stretch the corner of her lips and her eyes are shining with amusement. "What?" I smile in spite of myself.
"I was just amazed that the beast hadn't woken up yet," she giggles.
"Hey!" I protest when I understand what she's referring to, but as if on cue my stomach growls.
"Well, hello there," she kissing my stomach. "I missed you too," she joked.
I grunt in defeat covering my face. I guess I might as well accept that my stomach will now forever be a joke, I don't mind sharing that with her.
"Come on, let's feed you," she pecks my lips before getting out of bed; I bite my bottom lip at the sight of her naked body. I think I know what I'll have for dessert.
Sara insists to cook so I take the moment to have a shower, when I come back downstairs she seems frozen in motion, her dark mood back.
I sigh, I just can't let that one slide. I walk to her and snake my arms around her waist; she's startled and once again her mood shifts.
"You can talk to me," I remind her gently. I don't want her to feel cornered but I can't just ignore her mood swings.
She turns her head, opens her mouth to say something but then decides against, I close my eyes and will myself to block the hurt of yet another rejection. She slowly turns in my arms to face me. I can see her struggling to find her words; I bite my tongue and wait, holding my breath.
"I… I get… melancholic sometimes," she confesses in a weak voice; in this moment she is fragile and vulnerable, her eyes humid with unshed tears. "It comes and goes… and I…" she winces with frustration. "I get melancholic," she repeats with finality.
I can sense that there's more to it, but I can also appreciate the concession she has just made. She let me in a little further so I can wait for her to elaborate another time.
"I… don't… I…" she struggles a little more and then sighs in resignation. "I'm sor…"
"Shhh…" I cut her incoming apology. I cup her face and force her to look at me. I kiss her softly. "I'm here if you want to talk about anything… I just want you to not forget it."
She nods wordlessly. I want her to understand that I don't expect her tell me everything in one go, I just need her to make the effort to let me in, if I have that I can wait as long as she needs me to.
I wrap my arms around her shoulders and hold her to me, caressing the back of her neck until I feel her relaxing.
I can't help the frustration I feel to be so close and yet so damn far.
Damn it.
