Act 47: Sara
"Sara," I'm startled out of my reverie by Greg's voice. "Stan from trace told me to give you this," he says handing me a file.
"Thanks," I reply absentmindedly. I take a last look at Catherine's office then walk away.
I was longing to see Catherine, even though I know she's off today. Our last interaction wasn't stellar, to say the least. That was two weeks ago and we haven't really spoken since. I did call and text but she ignored me, not that I can blame her. At work we barely interact.
I've been cowardly justifying that lack of interaction with the load of work the lab is dealing with. I know that it's up to me to establish communication again, but things are kind of getting out of hand on my side.
I've been caught up in a catch-22. I can't sleep because I have nightmares; I'm constantly on the edge because I can't sleep; I have raging fits because I'm constantly on the edge.
It requires a lot from me to go through a day trying not to lose it in front of people. The only reason I've managed so far is because I go to the gym to beat the crap out of a punching bag before shift… and during my lunch break… and after shift…
Then I go home and I have a few drinks to numb my mind. I don't drink enough to be drunk, just enough to reach my soft spot. Once I'm in that zone, nothing can reach me, I'm above everything and for a few hours I'm at peace. Once I'm in that zone, I can let the sound of my police scanner lull me into dreamless sleep for a couple of hours.
Unfortunately, alcohol tends to make my nightmares more vivid, so for the couple hours of sleep I manage to get, I have horrific nightmares to wake up to.
I know that I need to talk to Catherine, but I can't stand the idea of losing her. Ironically the less I talk about it the worse it gets. I am, in essence, digging myself into a hole so deep I can't claw my way out of it.
I walk into my office and stop dead on my tracks, surprised to see someone sitting in. My stomach ties itself into a knot when I identify my visitor.
"Nancy…" I call flatly.
She turns and looks at me with a neutral expression. "Warrick let me in," she informs me.
"Is everything alright?" I ask as I go on the other side of my desk, facing her. I use my 'play dumb' card, we never know, I might be lucky.
…Right.
"I refuse to believe you're so daft as not to know the answer to that question," she replies with an even voice.
No dice, not that I was expecting it to work.
"Now is neither the time nor place for…" I decide to put a stop to this confrontation before it starts.
"I know, which is precisely why I'm here. You can't escape or avoid me and the place demands to maintain a certain sense of decorum," she cuts me off. "Don't worry, I shall be brief."
She's calm and her expression neutral. I'm not stupid though, I know that if she's here today it means I've reached the top of her shit list.
"I like to think that you do remember that conversation we had about my job regarding the fact that you're dating my sister."
"Yes, it is to assume that should anything bad happen, it is my fault," I retort with derision.
"If that was true one of my shoes would still be stuck far up your colon from the Jillian episode," she declares calmly. "Since such isn't the case, it is safe to say that I know how and when to do my job. Let's can the petulance and grow up again, shall we?"
I sigh in defeat. I don't want to have that conversation with her and I need her to leave, since I can't exactly chase her manu militari I have no choice but to bare my teeth. "Listen, there are things that I'm dealing…"
She snorts, and once again cuts me off. "I think there was a slight misunderstanding, so please, allow me to clarify," she starts. She pins me with her eyes making sure to have my full attention. "Whatever it is you're feeling; whatever it is you're going through; whichever way your universe is spinning at the moment; those are things on top of my 'I-do-not-give-a-shit' list."
I grit my teeth not to lose my temper, as she accurately mentioned, we need to keep a certain sense of decorum.
"I know that nothing is either black or white, and by all mean you may take all the time you need to figure out which way to handle whatever cards life has dealt your way as of late," she keeps on.
"How kind of you to allow me to deal with my issues in my own time." I spit bitterly. I hate nothing more than being cornered. Nancy is testing my patience which is already thin. I also know that there's nothing that I could say to her now that would somewhat be in my favour. So I'm being petty for the sake of not backing down.
She ignores my comment and keeps on.
"What was it you said?" she ignores my comment. "You had no intention to…" she trails off and looks away as if lost in thought. "Damn, I have such a bad memory when it comes to empty words and promises."
I gulp and try not to choke on my own words that she has just shoved back down in my throat. When her eyes set on me again, the green of her irises is a shade darker – the only tell-tale sign of her cold and controlled anger. I'd be lying if I said that she wasn't a bit scary right now. Once she's sure that her words have reached their target, she continues.
"Anyway, I was very clear from the get go, you hurt her, you answer to me. It seems that your head is currently so far up your ass you're failing to realize that your actions affect more than just your person. There's a heart resting in the palms of your hands, unfortunately for you it belongs to my sister. If you can't attend to it with due care and diligence," she pauses and leans toward me a bit. "I will end you," she clauses her argument with a subtle rictus.
A cold chill runs down my spine. I think what makes Nancy's threat effective is the Olympian calm with which she delivers it. She hasn't uttered a single word above the other, and her tone though flat could have been cordial if it wasn't for the threatening words.
"This is my first warning and I hope for your sake that I won't have to come back for another one any time soon, because I guarantee you that it won't be pleasant the second time around," she stares at me a few seconds to make sure each of her words sunk in "You have a nice day," she finishes then gets up and leaves.
I should have expected that visit, and I can't even say that it was uncalled for. That being said, it set me on edge and I can feel the urge to destroy something bubbling up. I have to give her credit because her warning was a strike of surgical precision.
I busy myself with work for the next two hours to keep my temper in check. By the time I can finally escape to the gym for my lunch break I'm shaking, the boiling rage I'm barely containing is so intense it physically hurt.
Despite Nancy's warning almost another week goes by in the same fashion. My attempts to talk to Catherine are epic failures, I never get beyond the mandatory 'Hey' and 'how are you?'. She doesn't make it easy – not that she should by all account – because she doesn't meet me halfway. Clearly unless, I talk to her, she won't talk to me. The longer I delay the inevitable the worse it gets.
I just don't trust myself around her, I'm afraid I'll start and then lose it for nothing, possibly physically hurting her in the process. I have nightmares about it, and considering my current state of mind, it's just one more obstacle in the way.
I want to go back to when I didn't have the certainty that I'd lose her when telling her everything about me. I want to go back to when things were good because I long to be in her arms, and just feel safe and grounded.
If only I could get a hand onto myself then maybe I could find the words to talk to her, to tell her everything but also convince her not to leave me.
I'm startled when the door of my car opens and Lindsey climbs in.
The only thing that somehow assures me that Catherine and I are still together is the fact that she didn't order me to stay away from Lindsey. At least that routine is intact, needless to say that I'm holding onto it like a lifeline.
"Hey, Short stuff," I greet her softly.
"Hey," she mumbles back before staring at the window.
I can sense that she's in a foul mood so I don't push and just start the car.
"Are you and Mom breaking up?" she asks when we stop at a red light.
Panic rises in my chest immediately. "No, not at all," I reply quickly with as much conviction I can muster. Things aren't good that's for sure, but we're not breaking up. I just need to find a way out of that hole I've been digging for myself lately.
"You're not around anymore, and well I'm not blind or dumb," she shrugs still looking at the window.
"It's just… work…" it sounds feeble to my ears, but I don't know what else to say. "There's a lot of work and… it's hard to manage."
"Yeah… Mom said the same," she mutters.
The rest of the ride is silent. When I park in front of Nancy's house she doesn't get out of the car.
"The thing is, you and mom aren't going to retire anytime soon so there'll always be work. There was work before yet it didn't seem to be a problem then. Maybe I'm just a kid so I don't understand things but it seems to me that the problem is you're not trying like you used to," she points out.
I'm at loss for words because her observation is very astute. I'm surprised by a sudden burning sensation on my shoulder, I wince in pain, when I look at her I see her clenched fist shaking and understand that she has just punched me.
She's heaving looking at her fist, her expression a cross between anger and regret. "Just try harder," she says through her teeth then exits the car.
Part of me is upset because of what she just did, and think that I should go and tell her that it's not okay to hit me. I don't do anything though, because just like Nancy she had warned me about kicking my butt should I hurt Catherine. I'm not stupid, I know that I've been doing just that for the past weeks, so her punch is well deserved.
I drive home, mulling over both of the warnings I received today. Once I'm home I just open a bottle and numb myself enough to slip into oblivion.
My respite is short-lived so I spend the hours thinking about Nancy and Lindsey's warning. I'm not anymore ready to talk than I was weeks ago, but if I don't do anything anytime soon I might reach the point of no return with Catherine.
Before I can talk myself out of it I send her a text asking to have breakfast with her after shift. The whole day goes by without any sign from her. I receive an answer only an hour before the end of shift, telling me to meet her at our usual place.
I arrive there first and when I don't see her after thirty minutes I'm starting to think that she doesn't want to see me at all. A part of me wonders if she's purposefully making me wait to torture me as a payback. She very well might be, and I can't exactly be mad at her for that considering what I've been putting her through.
She enters the diner and my heart skips a beat, it feels like I haven't seen her in ages. She spots me easily but her face doesn't light up with a smile like it usually would.
She comes to my booth and takes place in front of me. She looks exhausted and I know it's not just because of our shift.
"Hey," I croak before clearing my throat.
"Hey," she nods. "I'm sorry, the interrogation lasted longer than I expected."
"It's fine," I assure her.
There's a long pause. Obviously she's not about to make it easy for me, she just waits for me to talk.
"How have you been?" I settle for a dumb question only to break the silence.
"Great Sara, I've been just great," she replies with a barely contained anger.
"How was your shift?"
She snorts bitterly. "I… I can't do this," she moves to stand up.
"Wait… please, wait," I beg.
I can see that she wants to leave but she sighs and sits down again. "I refuse to sit here and chit chat about nothing, pretending everything is okay," she states firmly.
I nod. Under the table my fists are clenched because I can feel emotions overwhelming me, meaning a crisis isn't far behind.
"I know, I've been… difficult and distant…"
"That's an understatement, Sara."
"I'm sorry… I am sorry…"
"Oh for goodness sake," she mutters looking at the ceiling. "I don't want you to be sorry, I don't need you to be sorry," she says with frustration.
She starts to say something but then stops. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "All I want is for you to talk to me… That's all I've ever asked from you."
"It's not easy," I whisper.
"Not trying at all sure is easier," she says bitterly.
I'm getting frustrated by the minute, I can feel my blood boil and I know I could lose my temper right here and now. I don't say anything and just clench my jaw, focusing on my breathing and trying to calm myself down.
She waits and shakes her head when she realises that I won't say anything. "You know… I've thought long and hard about things I might have said or done that could have done you wrong somehow… and I draw blank," she shrugs.
"What pisses me off right now is that I'm the bad guy even when I've been nothing but be patient," she continues.
"I know… I…" I trail off. "I just don't know… how to deal with… this…differently…"
She closes her eyes and sighs tiredly. "See, this is exactly my problem, right here," her frustration taints every word. "You telling me that you don't know how to deal with this, I don't even know what 'this' is. I want to know, so I can be there for you or maybe I can help. Whatever 'this' is you don't have to deal with it on your own."
She pauses upon noticing that she was slowly raising her voice. "You know… it's not easy for me to confide in you and let you in. The difference being that I decided to trust you while you decided to push me away as if I wasn't good enough for you to trust me… if you can't do that, if you can be emotionally committed to this, to us, then frankly I don't see us going anywhere."
She waits for me to say something and I can't seem to be able to form a single word, so she takes a deep breath and purses her lips – probably not to curse, "I'm going to wait because that's all I've been doing… I'm starting to get good at this patience thing… you come and find me when or if you find something to say," she says with finality.
She takes her purse and stand up. "I'm going to wait, but be advised that I won't wait forever."
There it is. The ultimate threat: her breaking up with me. I know I should stand up, rush to her and hold her back, but I don't, because I can't give her what she wants right now; so I let her leave and exit the diner a minute later.
I don't keep track of what happens next, boiling rage clouding my mind. All I know is when I wake up hours later I'm on the verge of panic, I grab my phone and push a key for speed dial.
"Hey! Your ears must be ringing, we were just talking about you!" Sidney's cheerful voice comes through. "Russ is saying that he can beat you at pool by clearing the table in three moves. Hazy and I are saying he's full of it!" he chortles.
I open my mouth with trembling lips to say something but choke a first time.
"Scout, are you there?" even though I can't see him and I can feel the precise moment he figures something is wrong. "Sara, talk to me," he asks softly, all trace of amusement gone.
"I…" my voice cracks but I clear it. "I blacked out," I announce in a whisper.
There's a long pause then a sigh. "Fuck."
