Act 51: Sara
"It's for you."
I'm startled by Catherine's gravelly voice, she holds my cell phone up to my direction. I take it and put it to my ear.
"Hello?"
"I just needed a sign of life from you," Sidney replies.
"Sid… I'm…"
"It's fine, now. We'll talk later. Love you," he simply says before hanging up.
I woke up a few moments ago wrapped in Catherine's arms on her couch. As soon as pieces of our conversation came back clearly in my mind I felt more and more like I was suffocating so I got up to get five minutes of fresh air on her backyard porch.
I turn to look at Catherine who barely glances at me. "I… I didn't mean to answer it, I thought it was mine," she says before walking back inside.
I need to take a few deep breaths before going back in. I found Catherine in the kitchen leaning against the sink, when she looks at me I can see traces of anger in her eyes.
"I woke up and you weren't there," she says quietly.
"I needed some air for five minutes, I was about to come back inside," I explain. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"I know… because you didn't stop and think for a moment that I might panic at your absence."
I can't deny her statement, she's right. "I'm sorry," I say honestly.
She closes her eyes and lets out a frustrated sigh. "No, I'm sorry," she mutters then looks at me. She purses her lips as her anger slips away quickly replaced by fear.
"A few hours ago you were ready to walk out on me…well, on us essentially… and I understand why, I do. I know that you're here now but… there's this fear and dread in the pit of my stomach because I don't know what you want."
She pauses to scrutinize me then continues. "I want to be with you," she firmly states. "Maybe it's unfair of me, or too much to ask right now but I don't care. I need to know what you want because I can't do uncertainty anymore when it comes to you, those past weeks taught me that much."
She looks at me expectantly. "I want to run away from you," I confess honestly.
I told her everything, maybe not in detail but she knows everything so there's no point in me hiding now. I'm just being honest like she was earlier. My words might not be what she wants to hear but they're true.
I ignore her pained expression and go on. "When we were in California I told Sidney that I was afraid to tell you everything because I didn't want you to look at me differently. A few weeks ago I told him that for the first time I wanted to tell someone that wasn't my siblings. I hate that part of me, but I wanted you to know so you'd understand me… above all I didn't want it to come between us, to come in the way of how I feel for you."
I lean against the counter behind me needing support. "Now you know everything and I want to run as far away as possible, because it changed everything. You said it yourself."
I can see her temper flaring in protest so I raise a hand to silently ask her to let me finish and go on. "I'm scared," I confess.
"I'm scared that maybe it hasn't really sunk in yet and that you might soon realise that you can't deal with this. I'm scared and I hate that you know so I want to run. I also know that it's just deep seeded self-depreciation and insecurities talking."
I exhale a shaky breath. "More than anything, I want to be with you. I want to keep building that 'us', to keep making a life with you and Linds," I try to swallow the golf ball lodged in my throat. "I know I did wrong by you lately, I know that most of the efforts will have to come from me and… I… there's a lot to work on," I nod. "I won't run, if you're willing to give me another chance, you have my word that I will work on myself and… I'll fight for us, I won't push you away again… I want to be with you," I reassert.
I hesitantly close the distance between us, I stop in front of her. My movements are uncertain but she doesn't rushes me or say anything, letting me act on my own terms, perhaps needing a concrete sign from me, one that she doesn't initiate.
I rest my hands on her hips and look at her straight in the eyes. "I want to be with you," I nod. "I love you, Cath."
She frames my face in her hand, her expression more relaxed and serene than moments ago. "I love you, Sar," she responds. "All of you."
I know it'll take me a while to accept the fact that her love is unconditional, right now it seems odd because I still feel insecure, but I don't protest and nod. She delivers a soft kiss on my lips then just holds me, her fingers caressing the nape of my neck.
I hold tight, there's something grounding in this embrace, less desperate than the one we shared earlier.
"Do you mind if we go lie down again?" I ask with a small voice as if afraid she'd refuse me.
She pulls away just enough to rest her forehead against mine. "No, as long as you don't mind us using the bed instead of the couch."
I smile a bit and nod, so she leads us to her bedroom. When we lie down we're as close as our bodies would allow. This time I don't feel ill at ease in the embrace. On the contrary, I feel safe and for the first time in a long while things seem to be in the right place.
At last.
