Act 52: Catherine

Sara's spooning me, one arm around my shoulders the other around my wait, her fingers entwined with mine. I don't think either of us is going to sleep again in spite of being tired. We're probably just trying to convince ourselves that this moment is real.

"I've missed you," she declares in whisper confirming that she's awake. I reflexively strengthen her hold around my waist, squeezing her hand.

"I've missed you too."

We stay like that in silence, just revelling in our embrace. There's still a lot to talk about and there's hard road ahead but for now there's just us and that's enough.

I don't know how much time go by before she decides she should go home. Since Sidney dropped her off, I have to drive her back, not that I'm complaining because to be honest I'm nervous about being apart from Sara, perhaps still a residual fear that she'd shut me out again or that she'll run away. I can't help keeping a physical contact with her during the entire drive.

We arrive at her apartment complex and neither of us move. She's looking at our joined hands but I can see that she's just as unsure about what comes next as I am.

"Sid leaves in a couple of days and…" she starts. "…I think… I need to spend that time with him," she looks at me nervously.

I read between the lines, understanding that she needs some space. I try to stay calm, it has been an emotional roller coaster, knowing how she works and considering what happened, her statement is not necessarily a warning sign that she'll run away as soon as we're apart.

"Okay," I nod.

"Would you like to come for lunch on Saturday?"

I release the breath I was holding, we'll be fine I'm certain of it now.

"I'd like that, yes."

She scrutinizes me for a moment then leans in to deliver a lingering kiss on my cheek. I prevent her from moving away by putting a hand lightly on her jaw. I close the distance to briefly kiss her lips.

"I'll see you on Saturday," I whisper and she nods before exciting my car.

I wasn't expecting any contact for two days but Sara actually texts me, and I understand that maybe she needs just as much assurance as I do. I'm not complaining, after weeks of uncertainty and barely any contact, I'm glad things are slowly getting back to normal.

I'm ridiculously nervous on Saturday when I'm standing in front of her door. It's been so long since we had a casual moment together and the last time I was there was far from pleasant. I nervously rub my hand against my jeans and then ring the bell.

Sara grits me with a timid smile mirroring my own. We stare at each other for a few seconds before she leans in to kiss my cheek, then moves a bit further in apartment.

I frown a bit when I look around, some things are missing from her living room. I take off my jacket and turn to look at Sara who's putting plates on the counter so we can eat.

"What do you want to drink?"

"Water is fine," I smile at her then go to sit on one of the stools. "Did Sidney get back home okay?"

"Yeah, thanks for asking."

We start eating and talk about neutral thing, mainly work since she hasn't been in the last few days; after twenty minutes of hesitation give into my curiosity. "Where's your bookshelf?" I motion the living room with my thumb.

A shadow passes over her face and I find myself holding my breath, bracing myself for a rejection. "I threw it away, it was damaged…" she clears her throat. "I damaged it," she adds.

She glances at me briefly then at her living room, I can see that she's uncomfortable but I don't say anything, too afraid she'd stop talking if I do. She tells me about the fit she had after we met at the diner.

"Does it happen often?" I ask after a moment of silence, referring to the fact that she blacked out.

She shakes her head. "No… it only happened a handful of time since… since I was a teenager," she gnawed at her bottom lip nervously. "That's why I called Sid… I know what I can do when I have a regular fit… nothing scares me more than having a fit so intense I black out… it's like several hours were wiped clean from my memory… and I can't recall anything, not even bits and pieces…if I'm not alone I could hurt somebody and I wouldn't know…" she almost whispers.

I nod silently. It does sound scary especially if what she told me the other day is anything to go by. I still have questions and for the first time she's not shutting me out, I can appreciate the effort but I don't want to push my luck too far. "We can stop talking about it, if you want," I offer.

"No… it's alright," she replies after a moment.

I take a moment to gather my thoughts asking my next question "How does it feel? When you're having a fit…"

She pauses. "I…" she chortles. "I actually never thought about it."

She frowns apparently giving it some thoughts. "You know how sometimes you feel like screaming out of frustration or anger or joy or whatever?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I guess it feels like that. Something builds up in me and expand until I can't contained it anymore and I need to push it out, then I feel very hot and it just happens," she shrugs.

I keep asking her questions about her fits, trying to get as many details as possible. I make her tell me about what started it all this time around, and I'm a bit surprised to find out that it went back long before our trip to California. She tells me about her fear to hurt me or Linds.

I do trust her and I'm not scared that she'd lose it with me or Linds, it's just a part of her I'm discovering and trying to understand.

After lunch we end up on the couch to keep talking, slowly, almost unconsciously my body migrates closer to hers and I end up lying down with my head on her lap. It's a habit between us when we are on a couch, whereas if we're on a bed she'd be the one lying with her head on my lap. She's running her hand through my hair absentmindedly and I'm playing with the hand she has on my stomach.

The familiarity of it all is comforting, for the first time since we've sorted things out it feels like everything is truly fine between us.

"Would you have talked to me if Sidney hadn't showed up?" I ask out of the blue. "Honestly."

Her soothing movements still at once, then resume after a few seconds. When she speaks her eyes are welded to mine. "Yes," she finally. "You'd have most likely given up on waiting on me by then though."

I close my eyes briefly with a sigh."At least then, I'd have been able to rationalize that we didn't work out because I was too late and not because… of those things about me."

I feel angry. I sit up and put distance between us.

I'm angry because she's saying that she never gave me any credit to accept her past and her issues. She never trusted me so what's to say that she's actually trusting me now?

"So that time when you said that you were ready to talk… that the next time we'd have a night off and Linds was away you'd talk to me, what was that? A smoke screen?" I try to keep my voice levelled.

"No, I was ready and I was going to talk to you…"

"But you didn't and just a second ago you said differently."

"I was ready then, I was going to talk to you because in spite of my fear that you wouldn't accept things I felt confident that it might be okay," she speaks calmly. "Then you were discussing the Carver case and I took the things you said for me. My fears came back with a vengeance and squashed everything else."

I trust that she's telling me the truth and I do understand her position, it doesn't hurt any less though.

"I'm not saying it's your fault, just that I gave into my fears," she licks her lips nervously. "I should have trusted you regardless of whether or not you'd accept it all."

"Yeah, you should have."

I take a deep breath to calm down. Eventually I lie down again, her movement are hesitant at first but soon she resumes her caresses in my hair and I take back her other hand in mine.

"From now on, we need to talk to each other. When something's bothering you, talk to me, it's okay if you don't do so right away," I pause. "There's very little I wouldn't do for you, so if you need time and space before you talk to me, then just ask and I'll give you time and space as long as you come back to me and talk."

She nods, then she promises that she will be more open, that she'll learn to talk to me about those things even when she's afraid to.

She gives me her word and that's enough because with her it's a promise that she'll try and that's all I'm asking.

There was a weight made of my anxiety regarding our future resting on my chest and right now it feels like it has been lifted up. I know there's still a lot to work on and that it won't be easy, but I'm ready for the challenge.

We're back on track.

Finally.


Hum...alright, major apologies for having played dead for so long. I could blame it on good old writer's block but, it's not really...

I don't know when I've become so bad at updating. The worst part being that I write a lot (and I have tons of things to post), for some reason I've been hoarding chapters and stories... anyway, I'm back and I will post the next chap next week (no, really I will).

Thank you for sticking around (if your interest hasn't left the building yet), I promise I'm going back to good habits, finishing stories and updating on a regular basis.

Again, sorry, sorry, sorry...

Thank you for reading.