Howdy everyone, thanks for the kind messages and reviews! Here's the new chap.
Enjoy,
So ; )
Act 55: Sara
"How was your day?" I ask Linds as she climb into the car.
"It's was alright," she shrugs. After a moment she eventually gets into the details of her day. I pay close attention, ask questions here and there, but mostly I listen.
When we arrive at Catherine's she goes straight to her room to start her homework. Months ago we'd have spent half an hour or an hour doing something be it playing or talking. It was our thing, a way for her to unwind a bit and for me it was just pleasant to spend time with her because we'd always laugh, I could goof around.
Ever since my fallout with Catherine, Linds has shut me out. It doesn't matter that things are back on track with Cath, whatever connexion we had is lost. It hurts because it was something precious to me.
I've always known that being with Catherine came with Linds, but I never forced myself to spend time with the teenager and I've always genuinely enjoyed our interaction. Sure, I still have a lot to learn and sometimes I'm still a bit awkward because I'm afraid to do wrong but our interaction never felt forced and I liked that.
I know it's my fault things are the way they are, I just wish I'd knew how to fix it because I don't like being on the sideline and I miss her.
I go in the kitchen and start preparing what I'll need for cooking dinner a bit later, and for a second there I think Linds has decided to spend some times with me, but the arms wrapping around my waist tell me it's just Cath who woke up from her nap. She kisses my neck before resting her head against my back.
"Thank you for picking her up."
"Sure, no problem," I turn my head so I can kiss her quickly. "How was your nap?"
"It's was alright… can this wait?" she mentions what's doing.
"Yeah, why?"
"Can we cuddle for a bit?"
I smile. "Of course."
She lets go of me while I wash my hand then I follow her back to the bedroom, take off my shoes and lie down, she immediately snuggles against me. Within seconds her breathing evens out letting me know that she has gone back to sleep.
I just content myself with holding her, my mind still on Linds and trying to figure out how to mend our relationship.
It takes me three days to get an idea. I thought long and hard, remembering when Linds truly opened up to me for the first time, the answer I was looking for became clearer. There's no guarantee it'll work but at least it'll be a first step and I'll keep trying until I get it right anyway. I just hope Linds will be open to the idea.
"Cath?"
"Hmm?" she glances at me briefly to signal that she's listening before returning to the bills she's taking care of.
"You're working next week end, right?"
"Yeah, did you want to do something?"
"Actually, I was wondering if I could take Linds to Cali so we could surf. We'd leave on Friday after her classes and we'd be back on Sunday evening."
She stops what she's doing to look at me, I don't know if it's surprise or confusion I see in her eyes. In any case I continue to argue my demand. "You and I, we've talked and we're working things out but I know what happened involved Linds too… I was thinking that taking her away would be a good opportunity to talk to her properly and try to mend things with her as well."
Catherine is still looking at me and her silence makes me nervous. I know she trusts me with Linds, but maybe she's not comfortable with me taking her away from home, even if it's somewhere familiar.
"I can wait until we're both off during a week-end so we can go there the three of us if you're more comfortable with that, it was just…"
I don't get a chance to finish my sentence because she has grabbed my face and is now kissing me like there was no tomorrow. Once I'm over my initial surprise I kiss her back just as passionately. I'm lightheaded when she pulls back and also a bit confused because I'm not sure to understand her reaction.
"You always find a way to make me love you even more than I already do," she states with a smile and eyes full of affection.
Though her words move me to no end I'm still a bit confused. "So that's a… yes?"
She chuckles. "Of course, silly, that's a yes."
I let out a short sigh of relief. "Cool, that's… very cool," I can feel a smile stretching my lips. "Don't tell her… I'd like to surprise her with it on Friday when I pick her up."
"Sure."
"Thanks," I nod again then I start to leave the kitchen but then I turn around and kiss her, a long, slow and sweet kiss. "I love you, Cath."
The beam I get in response is enough to wake up the kamikaze butterfly in my stomach.
Friday comes soon enough, with Cath's help I prepared a bag of clothes for Linds. Lucky me such a trip doesn't require a lot since there's already a lot at the house in Cali.
"Hey Sar," Linds greets me when she steps into the car.
I smile in return and start the vehicle. "So, do you have plans for the week-end?"
"Nope."
"Homeworks?"
"Already done."
"Good, I was hoping you'd say that. Are you up for surfing?"
From the corner of my eye I see her head snapping in my direction. I wait to stop at a streetlight to look at her with a timid smile.
"So?" I prompt her when she keeps staring with wide eyes.
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, we're leaving now and come back on Sunday, what do you say?"
"Awesome," she breathes out.
I get a good feeling about this week-end, this is the first genuine smile she has given me since things have been coming back together. It's the kind of smile that reaches her eyes and it warms me up.
We call Cath when we arrive at the airport. The trip goes smoothly and Hazy is the one picking us up once we land. Linds and her had formed quite a strong bond during our visit and I know that they had kept in touch regularly, so it's like watching old friends reunite.
I knew we'd arrive with quite some time to spare before the night so I had asked Hazy to bring boards and gear that way we could hit a few waves before going home. My instinct was good because Linds is thrilled at the idea. Lucky us the spot isn't crowded when we make it.
I must say that even though she has only surfed once, Linds is quick to find her marks again. She falls several times but manages to ride a few waves easily. We stay only a couple of hours since the day has been long, besides I want to take Linds to our special spot early in the morning and we'll stay there the whole day so I need her to be rested.
The evening is good, more than good even. I hadn't realized how much I needed to come back home for a breather until I stepped through the threshold. I've hated that place at times but now I can say that it's the one place where I always feel grounded.
I leave Linds with Hazy and Sid, while I spend a lot of time talking with Charlie, telling him about how things turned out, how I feel about it, how I struggle with it. As always he's good at listening and understanding, he knows what to say to get through to me.
The new dynamic with Cath is terrifying, I have to constantly fight my flight instinct. I know that most of my struggle comes from the fact that I don't always know how to quiet my insecurities. Talking things through with Charlie helps, because he knows how to channel my fears.
When I go to bed I feel much better than I have for a while as in emotionally more stable and strong enough to tackle whatever blocks are ahead.
I wake up at the crack of dawn and once more I'm surprised to find that Linds is ready to go, though thinking about it her eagerness was to be expected.
We arrive at the spot I took her the last time we surfed just the two of us a few minutes before sunrise. Linds is in the water within the next two minutes and I follow closely. I let her warm up then I decide to teach her a trick, for the next two hours she pushes herself to understand the basics and mechanics of what I'm teaching her.
I'm amazed at the speed at which she's picking things up. She hasn't surfed since our last visit and back then it was her first time, yet you'd barely think it was the case watching her now.
"Argh, almost!" she groans in frustration when she emerges from the water.
She paddles to come closer to me and I proceed to explain to her what is wrong and how to improve. She asks questions and then requests to watch me do the trick a few times. She tries again, and every times comes closer and closer to complete it.
"You have it!" I exclaim after she almost nails the trick completely. "You have the form, now it's just about your execution."
"Yeah…" she pants. "I'm taking a break, my legs are cramping a bit."
"Sure."
We stay on our boards and just watch the other surfers around for a while. I mentally kick myself into gear feeling that now is the right time to talk.
"Linds?"
"Yeah?"
"I had a reason for taking you surfing this week-end, I…"
"Yeah, I know," she shrugs, in a second her mood has darkened.
I furrow my brow and she rolls her eyes at me with a heavy sigh.
"I'm not dumb Sara, my dad used to do the same, taking me to a place I like, letting me feed on junk food or getting me that one toy I coveted to buy my affection back, there's no need to make a big deal about it. We can go back to pretend this week-end is about surfing."
I knew I had messed up, I've always been aware of my wrong doing, but I can now honestly say that I hadn't fathom how much I had messed up. Lindsey just compared me to Eddie… to say that hurt would be a massive understatement.
I've never had the guy in esteem, I mean the rare times I witnessed his interaction with Cath he was verbally aggressive, I can count on one hand (and still wouldn't use all of my fingers for that count) the times Cath has ever said something good about him, and what I learnt about him during my investigation of his murder achieved to tag him as a lousy, irresponsible, selfish prick.
I know that he was trying to be good to Linds, that's one thing Cath has always agreed with. As much as he was a crappy father who didn't always care about the job , he was fond of his little girl and try to do right most of the time. I also know that he'd always have the good role because he'd never deny Linds anything and basically Cath was the sole authoritative figure, which she still is.
I had no intention to bribe Linds with surfing, although now that she has said it I can see why she'd think that was what I was trying to do.
"That's not it," I reply firmly.
"Really?" her tone is flat, clearly she doesn't believe me.
"I just wanted a chance to talk to you about… what happened those past weeks but most importantly I wanted a chance to apologize to you properly."
She pins me with her stare. "Fine, whatever," once again she shrugs.
"I messed up. I broke my promise to you and I'm sorry."
"Okay, you're sorry, and now you took me surfing. Again, no need to make a big deal out of it."
There's a long pause during which I'm trying to figure out how to get through to her, much like Catherine, she's not receptive to anything when angry.
"What? You need me to say that I accept your apology?" she lets out a sharp sigh. "Fine, I accept your apology. Happy?" she demands forcefully. "Can we go back to surfing now?"
"No… I don't want your acceptance."
"Then tell me what you want so we can end this conversation," she demands sharply.
"Linds… like I said I'm not trying to buy my way back into your good grace," I speak calmly. "You're angry with me and that's fine because I deserve it. Be angry and let it all out but don't say or do things if you don't mean them," I pause. "I'll thrive to earn your respect, your trust, your affection, anything really, but I'll never buy you out."
She's been looking away from me the entire time I spoke, a hard expression on her face. "I'm not angry," she grumbles after a while.
"Linds…"
"I'm not angry, I'm fucking pissed off!" she flares punching the water, her eyes shooting daggers at me.
Even though I had felt her temper rising I'm a bit surprised by her sudden outburst. She's panting, her mouth is moving but no words come out as if she didn't know how to express herself.
"You gave up!" her voice rises. "You guys argued before and still you were there at the end of the day, but this time you just gave up!" she throws water my way.
"She was miserable because of you! Do you know what it's like to listen to her cry herself to sleep? To watch her pretend everything is fine when she's so sad she barely functions properly? And you… you weren't there! You… you gave up like you didn't care!" she shouts.
I receive her anger like punches in the face, I take it silently because I deserve everything she's throwing my way.
"You're always going on about not giving up when things get tough or facing problem upfront, but you didn't even try," she snorts bitterly. "What a joke you are…"
She looks away and furiously passes the back of her hand over her eyes.
This is the price to pay to try and take the easy way out. I lost count of how many kicks in my rear were necessary for me to do the right thing. Lindsey's assessment is spot on, I did give up because I was scared, I was a coward and I was selfish because all that time I was only thinking about myself, about how I felt and how scared I was and how I was losing everything.
Funny how easily we forget our tendency for navel-gazing. If I had bothered to really look up I'd have understood just how much I was hurting Cath and Linds. I thought I knew but right now it's clear that I had no idea.
I don't think I've ever wanted to beat myself as much as I do at this very moment.
"You're sorry, why should I care?" she shakes her head. "You can keep your apology."
She stares at me while I fail to find what to say. She lies on her board and paddles away. I don't try to stop her sensing that she needs the time on her own.
For the next hour she rides her anger out on waves and I just watch hoping that she'll be willing to listen to me when she calms down.
I leave her be when she gets out of the water for a bit, sits on our spot on the beach and starts contemplating the horizon. I just wear myself out on the water, surfing as hard as I can, the physical exertion being the only form of punishment I can think of at the moment.
Considering how things turned out with Cath, I wish I could turn back time and not give into my fears. How cruel, the gift of hindsight is twenty-twenty and utterly useless.
I don't know how much time elapses but eventually she gets back in the water and starts surfing again, I take another couple of waves myself but then just lie down on my board, close my eyes and let myself drift.
I'm shaken from my light slumber by the sound of movement in the water. I lift the arm I had over my eyes and find Linds sitting on her board besides me. I immediately sit up and give her my full attention.
She's looking ahead with a frown, her head not completely turned in my direction. There's a long silence that I dare not break. "You gave up so easily once, so who's to say you won't do it again?"
She looks at me, her anger has waned but it's still there.
"I won't, because if I ever did, I'd lose your mom for good and that's not something I'd survive."
It all sound dramatic I know, but the thing is, it's all true. Funny how I managed to live my life without Cath before and yet now I know without a doubt that I couldn't live without her.
"I cared," I continue after a minute. "You think I didn't but I did. I struggle with some things and it…" I sigh heavily. "I wish I could talk to you about it, but I can't. One day maybe."
I appreciate her anger. If she has a point about me not fighting as hard as I should have, she doesn't have the complete picture and that makes things harder. I have no excuse for what happened, but there was a reason behind it all one that give the whole thing some sense. Unfortunately I can't give that much to Linds so understandably she sees it all as gratuitous pain.
"I didn't hurt you on purpose or for fun. Grown-ups get lost as well, you know. We get scared, confused, we struggle with things and we don't always know how to deal with it," I explain. "I was overwhelmed by too many things and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to talk to your mom about it or if I could, I was in a bad place. I know you understand that."
We talked a lot before and the topic of her father's death came up once. She did confide in me about that whole period when she was at a loss afterwards.
"I've talked to your mom, and I'm finding my way again," I pause. "I let you down, I hurt you and I'm sorry. I wish I could turn back time, but I can't. I made a mistake, I have to live with it and learn from it. You're pissed at me and I accept that because I know I deserve it. I hope in time you'll forgive me because I miss you and I miss what we had."
My voice is caught in my throat with emotion and for a second I can't speak. I swallow hard and try to keep my tears in check. "You don't realize it and maybe it's my fault because I never said it before, but I need you in my life just as much as I need your mom… I love you, Linds."
She looks away after a moment and I'd give anything to know what she's thinking. I've done my part, now the ball's on her camp.
I really hope that we'll be able to move on from there. I can feel my chest tightening at the simple idea that we might never get what we used to.
"I miss you too."
The words come out so weakly I'm not even sure they are spoken. She faces me again and clears her throat. "I forgive you," her gaze hardens. "But if you break your promise again, if you give up again then… then that's it. I don't do third chances."
That breath I was holding is released, I can't express how thrilled I am to be given another chance.
I extend my hand to her and she takes it. I don't let go when I speak. "I promise no matter what happen, good or bad, I'll always do right by you and your mom," I repeat the promise I once made. "I promise I'll never give up again, I'll always fight for it, always," I amend.
She moves her hand initiating our special handshake. "I promise, I promise, I promise," I seal my words.
"Thank you, Linds," I speak again after a long silence.
She nods silently before looking away. "I think I'm getting a hang of the trick," she changes topic and I take it in stride.
"Let's see it."
She positions herself and starts paddling when she feels a wave coming. It takes several attempts but she eventually does the trick perfectly. Pride swells in my chest when she finally succeeds, I can't help but beam as she pumps her fist in the air and whoops in celebration.
She tries again as if to prove that the first one wasn't a fluke, and I just enjoy watching her.
It's almost four when we decide to come home both exhausted, physically as well as emotionally. The drive back is only filled with music from the radio.
I park at in the garage, but stay in the car after cutting the ignition when I notice that Linds isn't moving.
"You said you'd tell me about the thing you struggled with, one day. Did you mean that?" she talks to her hands.
"Yes," I reply. "I'm not going to lie to you, it'll be a few years from now," I announce up front.
I hold my breath, expecting her to protest or feel like I was trying to cheat her somehow.
"I'm okay with that," she tilts her head with a shrug. "It means you'll be around few years from now."
She undoes her belt and gets out while I'm processing her words. I can't help but grin a bit.
Once we are showered and changed I propose to bake something to bring back for Cath, a little comfort treat for being on call all week-end, since it's a puff-pastry we have to make the puff now and complete the rest tomorrow.
It's also an excuse to spend even more time with Linds, though this time we're not alone, Hazy and Sidney join us in the kitchen. I don't mind because we laugh the whole time even if I'm the butt of most of the jokes or stories.
The evening is just as much animated with us playing some pool, then we share some hot chocolate before calling it a day.
On Sunday morning we go surfing again, this time my siblings tag along. Since they surf a lot more than I used to they know more tricks and give pointers to Linds who is avid to learn everything she can. By the end of our time in the water she has a good handle on three different tricks, even though it will require a lot more time and practice for her to master them, she's not doing bad at all for a rookie.
We return home before noon, shower, have lunch then finish the pastries for Cath.
I know that there's still a lot of work from me in order to fully regain Linds' trust but our talk did stir us in the right direction. She's more relaxed around me, she has initiated a few of our conversations this week-end and she hasn't shied away from being alone with me.
We play with Sid and Hazy, laughing until our stomachs hurt then time for us to leave comes and they drive us to the airport.
Once we're behind the security gates and waiting to board an idea strikes me.
"We could do this more often," I say out of the blue. "You know… take a weekend a month or more when I'm off and you don't have too much work, we go surfing."
Linds scrutinizes me, she seems to be fighting off a grin. "You don't have to do this… I mean, I like the idea, but I get that you're tired with work and everything, I get that you'd like to rest when you can."
Once more I'm reminded that Linds has toughen up because she has been let down many times before so she more often than not has hard time to believe I'd want to spend time with her and that it's not an imposition on myself.
"I know I don't have to," I nod. "I want to… I mean I get to surf, see my family and spend time with you, that's a good week-end in my book," I tell her honestly. "It could be our thing… if you want."
She keeps staring at me but this time I can see hope in her eyes. "That'd be super cool, yeah… I'd like that."
"That's settled then," I beam and offer my fist for her to bump with hers, she rolls her eyes but respond accordingly to the gesture.
A few hours later we arrive back at Cath's, Linds opens the door and announces us. "Mom, we're home!"
Catherine who was apparently in the laundry room comes to join us. "Hey sweetheart," she greets Linds with a bear hug. "I missed you."
"I missed you too, Mom."
Cath kisses Linds crown before letting go and turning to me. "Hey you," she takes me in her arms, I barely have the time to say 'hey' back before she's kissing me languorously.
"I missed you too," I utter in a slight daze. She just chuckles and pecks my lips once more before undoing our embrace.
I offer to make the dinner so they can catch up properly. I'm glad that Cath and I don't work tonight because it means we'll have some time together.
I take a shower to wash off the flight, change then return to the kitchen to cook, while Catherine and Linds are having a mother/daughter moment on her bed.
An hour later I feel Cath loving herself against my back, her arms around my waist. "Can you stay tonight?"
"Sure," I reply immediately.
"Good," she kisses my shoulder. She doesn't move or let go of me while I put the final touch to the meal I'm preparing, only moving with me so as not to impair me.
The dinner is animated with Linds' tales of her surfing exploits and I share even some stories of my siblings and me. We then watch a movie before calling it a day.
Cath and I prepare ourselves for the night then lie in each other's arms, talking.
"How did things go?"
"They went well… we talked, it wasn't easy but we did and I think we'll be okay."
"I'm glad to hear that."
"I offered to take her surfing at least once a month, when I'm off and she's up to date with her school work, I hope that's okay with you," I inform her. "Not to say you couldn't tag along."
She props herself up on one of her elbows to look at me. "I'm more than okay with that," she smiles before kissing me. "It means the world to me that you're involved in her life."
I beam in response. I know that I'm no expert when it comes to relationships, I'll even go as far as saying that I'm a damaged good. However, being with Catherine makes me feel like I belong and more importantly I need it to feel complete.
I've always wondered if I'd be able to ever build a family of my own, have what my parents had when everything was fine – because when we were a family, we were a very good one. With Catherine, I feel closer to that ideal, she gave me a chance and I'll forever be grateful for that.
I feel like I have my own family now.
At last.
Thanks for reading
