Act 60: Catherine

I'm startled when I feel Sara's arms slip around my waist but relax immediately. She nuzzles into my neck, nibbling the flesh, the contact tickles me also I try to escape her grip gently but she holds me tighter, making me laugh.

She makes us sway a bit as she walks backward and makes us fall on one of the long chairs on the back porch of the house, I squeal when I land on her lap then laugh harder at her childish behaviour as she tickles me while I try to defend myself, I finally capture her hands, entwine our fingers and kiss her for distraction.

She frees one of her hands and slips it into my hair. The kiss is languid, an expression of our love in its simplest form. When we pull back she gently caresses my face.

I rest my forehead against hers just content to be in her arms.

"So… did the real thing lived up to your fantasy?" she asks and though her tone is teasing I can detect a hint of apprehension.

"No," I answer with a serious face and she seems crestfallen. "It was much better," I add after a few seconds biting my bottom lips. She squeezes my waist as a small payback. "Seriously, it did, being experienced made for pretty inspired moves," I waggle my eyebrows and she blushes furiously but grins nonetheless.

She clears her throat. "I'm… happy it lived up to your expectation."

As planned we are in Montana for the week-end. I took Sara to my sanctuaries, those places I'd go when things were tense at home, places I never shared with anyone. I felt like a teen again, in a very good way. As we were walking around, I felt like I was sixteen and out on my very first date, nervous, giddy, elated when I was holding her hand.

We shared a home cooked meal by the candlelight, enjoyed ice creams on the backyard porch just contemplating the horizon, talking and laughing. When we made love in my room later, it was as potent as that moment we had shared in the Fort Sidle, when I knew for certain that I was completely, unconditionally in love with her.

I've been so happy about the whole day that I could barely sleep, I woke up before the first rays of sun and decided to go back on the backyard porch. I was there for maybe fifteen minutes before Sara joined me.

"The best part, the one I'm the most happy about is the fact that I shared this with you," I add with a peck on her lips. Her eyes shine with emotions and bare love, the lingering kiss she gives me convey much more than any word could.

"I love you," she declares, her rich brown eyes firmly set onto mine.

"I love you, too," I rest my forehead against hers, giving her an Eskimo kiss.

I lean against her a we both contemplate the landscape as the sun slowly paints the different colours with rays of light.

"Sar?"

"Hmmm?"

"Have you ever thought about having children?"

I'm not certain where the question came from, but oddly enough I realized that it's a topic we've never broached. Sara had the tendency to stir the conversation from anything pertaining to childhood or children, which makes sense now because then she was just avoiding to give me an opportunity to dig into her past. Plus, since she had always admitted not being comfortable with children I never pushed.

"Not really…I think I've always been too afraid that I'd perpetuate the cycle of violence in spite of myself," she replies after a long silence. "I mean, my Dad was just a good man who lost his way, since I still struggles with fits I figured that I was walking on thin ice and having kids would be too much of a gamble."

She pauses before going on. "I know there's more to raising a child than my own childhood trauma and genetics, but I… I guess, my fears smothered my biological clock."

I rest a hand on her cheek, giving her a comforting caress. I can't relate to what she's been through, I can't imagine what it was like and I doubt I'll ever really know the full details but I can appreciate her past, her struggles and fears.

"What about you? Have you ever thought about having another child?"

"I never planned for Linds but after finding out I was pregnant, I envisioned having a big family," I confess. "Eddie wasn't family guy material sadly," I sigh.

She gives me a delicate kiss behind the ear and I snuggle up to her a little more. I feel suddenly very vulnerable and I think she senses it as she tightens her embrace.

"Also, I feel like I've missed out a lot with Linds as far as motherhood goes. As I told you, I fell back into addiction when she was barely a few months old, then there was rehab, then I've spent most of the time learning how to be a sober and functional human being … in truth, until Linds was three, Nancy did all the heavy lifting."

I sigh deeply. "Having a child is a lifelong and demanding commitment. While I don't feel old, I'm not young and wanting a chance for a do over at motherhood is definitely not a reason enough to bring a child into this world."

"Cath…" she chokes out. "I don't… I don't know if I'll ever…" she trails off but I hear her silent admission. "… but with you by my sides, 'maybe someday'… doesn't sound as terrifying or impossible."

I turn my head slightly so I can dip my eyes into hers. "If 'someday' ever comes… nothing would make me happier than to jump into that adventure with you."

A trembling smile graces her lips and I kiss her in a way that convey my love.

Sara has given me the greatest gift of all, thanks to her I have the family I've always dreamt of. I am beyond happy at the way things are right now. I can't predict the future, I don't know if Sara will ever want to add to our family but it's good to know that the possibility exists.

"So… do you want to go and make out in the attic?" she asks after several minutes.

I chuckle. "I thought you'd never ask! We're finally, finally, going to find what the fuss is all about!"

We both laugh at my enthusiasm as we make our way back inside.