Chapter 5: Grasping For Balance

Obi-Wan woke up with the dawn, the light of the sun coming through his window and warming his face. He shut his eyes tight, trying to block the light out. He needed more sleep, he felt sore and stiff and not at all rested, but closing his eyes tighter was not enough to block out the bright sun shining in his face. He slowly squinted, blinking his stinging eyes and trying to rub the fatigue out of them. He was right where he had been last night, back against the door and huddled against the cold. He didn't remember falling asleep, he had thought he would have been too troubled for sleep, even if it wasn't restful.

He breathed deeply; even his lungs felt tight and he groaned as he pushed himself up, his entire body aching as he moved. He tentatively reached into the Force, nervous about what he would find there, but the raging storm had calmed. It was still again, peaceful and serene, but the warm glow he felt from it was gone. Kenobi felt the cold in the Force, not the bone-chilling freeze of last night, but icy tendrils that seemed to reach into his mind. He felt...unbalanced. The same foreboding feeling he had before was back. Was he sensing the Sith again? He couldn't be sure, and it was unlikely that he'd have any answers anytime soon.

Obi-Wan changed quickly and silently left his room, throwing his heavy cloak over his shoulders and hoping that he'd manage to get through the Temple undetected. It was a long way from his quarters to the Library, but if he was lucky...

"Obi-Wan Kenobi." The Padawan froze, groaning softly as the light, female voice stopped him, her soft footsteps approaching him. He turned, his eyes downcast as he bowed.

"Master Luminara. How may I be of assistance?"

"Many people have been looking for you this morning, Padawan."

"Already?"

She nodded. "You are becoming quite popular. I saw your Master earlier, he seemed concerned. He said he could not reach you through the Force."

Obi-Wan smiled softly, and silently put his mental defenses in place. "I was just sleeping. It was a long day."

"I understand. I said as much to him as well."

"I'll be certain to seek out Qui-Gon when I have a chance," he said softly, bowed, and turned to go, but Luminara's quick call of "Kenobi, wait," stopped him. "Yeeeeeees...?"

"I said many people. The Jedi Council was looking for you as well."

He held his breath for a moment, blue eyes wide, looking at her like he did not understand her words at all. Finally, he managed to squeak, "...what?"

"Master Windu, more specifically, asked for you personally. He wished to see you in the Council Chamber when you were found. Which is now, I suppose."

"...y-yes, um..." Kenobi's mind was racing. How do I get out of this? His thoughts were chaotic and frantic. Did they know of his jealousy and his turmoil? Did they reconsider Qui-Gon's proposal and their stance on Anakin? Oh, nonononono...

"I can walk with you, if you like."

"No! No, I, um..." He bowed, keeping his eyes from hers in case those piercing eyes could see though him. "I know the way. Thank you, Master Luminara." He turned and walked the opposite way from the Library, his slow shuffle feeling like he was going toward his execution. Why was he so nervous? He had stood before the Council so many times before, always felt comfortable around them, but now he felt as though he was being judged. He took deep, calming breaths, reinforcing his mental defenses and preparing to...what? Lie? He couldn't lie to them, the Jedi Masters would be able to sense if he was being dishonest. He would...

Obi-Wan sighed, nervously twirling his braid. He didn't even know what they wanted. Maybe everything was fine. He just needed to be honest. He nodded to himself as he stepped into the elevator that would bring him to the Council Chamber, meditating quietly and calming himself, trying to find his balance in the Force, but was unable to recenter himself. When the elevator stopped, he stepped out and, holding his breath, pushed the heavy doors open.

Kenobi peaked inside, his heart beating a little faster and spotting Mace Windu, the Jedi Master calmly looking out the windows. Clearing his throat, he stepped into the room and bowed, quietly said, "You called for me, Master?"

"I did," Mace said strongly, not moving from his place, eyes focused on the distant skyline. "We have a great deal to discuss."

"...a-about Anakin?" he ventured quietly, and the Master's mouth twitched into a slight smile.

"No, that matter is settled." Obi-Wan nearly sighed in relief, and that's when Mace looked at his, his dark eyes hard. "Or maybe it isn't." The Padawan immediately tensed up again, and the Jedi Master had his answer. "Your position with your Master is not threatened, Kenobi. You will remain his Padawan until you are ready for the Trials."

"Yes, I...I-I understand that."

"But you are unsatisfied still. Don't think your abrupt exit from the meeting yesterday went unnoticed, Padawan."

Kenobi couldn't stop himself from grabbing his braid, pulling it nervously. "I apologize, Master. I...dislike watching Qui-Gon fight against the Council."

"Is that all?"

Obi-Wan finally looked up at Master Windu, his nervous blue eyes meeting the intense dark of the Master's. The truth, Kenobi. "...no, Master. I was...offended."

"There was a great surge of emotion in here yesterday. Every one of us felt the Force sway under its weight. Could that have come from you?"

The hand at his side was visibly shaking. "I'm certain some of it was, yes." Mace was silent for a long time, his cold eyes examining every feature of the Padawan, and Kenobi couldn't bring himself to look at him. Finally, the Master nodded.

"Be mindful of your emotions, Kenobi. We seek to master them, not be ruled by them. You will never pass the Trials when you take them if you cannot do that."

Was that it? He finally looked at the Master, blue eyes wide in disbelief as he saw the Master lean back, a smirk upon his face. Was he...was Master Windu messing with him? Obi-Wan smiled cautiously. "Master, are you enjoying making me terribly nervous?"

"I always do, Padawan."

"Ah." He straightened, standing tall and relaxed. "Well then, seeing as how I'm not being expelled from the Order, could you fill me in on the Council's decision regarding me and Qui-Gon?"

"You will continue your training, and the boy will be kept as your Master's ward."

Obi-Wan frowned. "So he can train him?"

"No. He is forbidden to train him, but the situation is...unusual. The boy has nowhere to go, and your Master feels responsible." Obi-Wan nodded, face stern, but understanding. "As for you, Padawan, you will accompany your Master to continue to protect the Queen." Mace smiled when Obi-Wan visibly cringed. "It seems you'll be departing for Naboo very soon. The Senate has reached a decision on the matter."

"Oh, lovely."

"Yes, isn't it." Mace's face became grave. "As important as all this is, this is not why I summoned you here, Kenobi." The young Jedi looked at the Master, eyebrow arched, uncertain of where this was going. "Your Master said you sensed this supposed Sith Lord long before you saw him."

"He does believe that, yes."

"Explain."

"The Force just felt disturbed. I sensed cold in the Force, I have never felt that before. And when I was close to the creature, it was...overwhelming."

Master Windu nodded. "Master Yoda and I discussed this at length last night. He believes it is the Dark Side you are sensing, and if it is, we may in fact be dealing with an actual Sith Lord." He leaned forward, looking closely at the Padawan. "When did you last feel this?"

Obi-Wan couldn't stop himself before he quietly said "I feel it now."

This time, the Jedi Master looked alarmed. He got out of his chair and sternly commanded the apprentice to sit, and Obi-Wan sunk to the ground, legs crossed in front of him, hands tightly gripping his knees. Mace kneeled before him. "Give me your hands."

Obi-Wan was hesitant, but after a moment, he slowly took his hands off his knees, and the Jedi Master quickly grabbed them, his strong hands tightly gripping the Padawan's. "Master, what-"

"Hush. Meditate with me, I need to see."

Kenobi nodded, closed his eyes, and sunk into a meditative state. He felt the powerful presence of Master Windu around him, felt his mind pressing incessantly at his carefully crafted mental defenses as if they were nothing, breaking through and delving into the young Jedi's mind. For a moment, he was worried about what the Master would see, but the power of the Force that Mace commanded strengthened young Kenobi. It was breathtaking to share in that power, and with a sigh, he lowered the last of his defenses, giving the Jedi Master full access to his mind.

It didn't take long after that for Mace to gasp softly, his large hands tensing over the younger man's. "I feel it." Obi-Wan opened his eyes to see Mace staring at him intently. "It's faint, but it's there. You were right. There is a chill in the Force."

"Is that the Dark Side?"

Windu nodded. "Be mindful, Obi-Wan. You will shortly be leaving for Naboo again, which is where you first felt this. I sense great danger."

"The Sith Lord?"

"It's clouded, but I suspect so." The Master stood and helped Obi-Wan to his feet. "I will consult Master Yoda on what you have shown me. Thank you for your cooperation, Kenobi."

He bowed deeply. "I thank you for your council, Master."

Mace Windu laid his hand on the padawan's shoulder. "In time, you'll make a fine Jedi Knight. May the Force be with you, Obi-Wan."


When Mace had said that Obi-Wan would be returning to Naboo soon, he didn't think it meant that afternoon. He found out when he got back to his room to find a message from Qui-Gon, demanding that he pack and head to the hanger immediately. With great irritation, the young Jedi threw a few things into his bag and left, his long strides carrying him to the hanger where the Queen's ship was docked. The library would have to wait. So much for there is no ignorance, there is knowledge, his education would have to wait. But when he returned, he would have a list of books that Jocasta Nu would have to find for him.

When he got to the hanger, Qui-Gon wasn't even there, and Obi-Wan couldn't help but feel even greater irritation with his Master. He nearly turned on his heels to march himself straight to the library when he saw Padmé walking with the ship's captain, listening intently as he talked. Before he knew what he was doing, he was taking long steps toward them.

She smiled when she saw him approach. "Obi-Wan!"

He bowed. "Padmé."

"I hear you and your Master are coming with us to Naboo."

Obi-Wan nodded. "We are. The Council is convinced the Queen is in danger, and they believe our paths crossing was no mistake. The will of the Force is that we see this through to its conclusion."

"Well, we are happy to have you along." She left the side of the captain and stood in front of the Jedi, bold as if she simply belonged everywhere she was, which struck Obi-Wan as an unusual trait in a handmaiden. "Do you have time to talk?"

"Oh, always," he smiled softly, crossing his arms and pulling his cloak tighter around him.

"Did you hear about what happened with Anakin?"

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "I was there, so yes."

"Isn't it awful?"

"No."

Padmé's face was first shocked, then indignant, and then simply confused. "Why?"

The Jedi sighed. "It's a bit difficult to explain, but training him was never an option. Qui-Gon seemed to forget that then he took him away from Tatooine."

"But why."

"Well, he, uh..." The Jedi bit the inside of his cheek, twirled his braid as he thought. "He's too old," he finally said, and Padmé looked at him in disbelief, crossed her arms over her chest, her entire body language daring him to explain how a nine year old was too old for anything. "See, Jedi aren't allowed to form attachments. That is the most difficult thing we do, for most, and to have a person adhere to it well, they must be taught from infancy. At nine, he has already formed attachments. To his home, to his friends, to his family, it's the natural thing to do. But for a Jedi..." He shook his head. "Attachments to others can lead us to emotions that will compromise our connection to the Force at best. At worst, well...many Jedi in the past have succumbed to darker emotions. Grief and anger can lead to the Dark Side, and...well, those emotions don't happen if one remains unattached."

She watched him intently, her intelligent brown eyes attentive and curious. "So you don't have families?"

"None outside the Jedi Order, no."

"And what if you lose a Jedi?"

"Ah..." Obi-Wan sighed and threw his braid over his shoulder. "We have been raised to be unattached. Some are better at it than others."

"What about you?"

"I'm...struggling with the concept, as of late." He bit his lip and looked away from her, remembering the previous day in the Council Chamber and how afraid he was to lose his Master, how angry he was that he was being cast aside, how he felt the cold creep in as it was creeping in now. If he was truly unattached, the events of the previous day wouldn't have shaken him the way it had.

"It must be difficult to live like that."

"...yes. It is."

"So, do you not have relationships?" She asked slyly, and Obi-Wan took a step back as she took a step toward him. "Do Jedi have lovers?"

Kenobi wondered if he looked as flushed as he felt. "N-naturally not..." Though that was untrue. Qui-Gon was said to have had a woman he loved, and Obi-Wan had heard of several Jedi in the past who had left the Order for the affection of another. Even he had harbored feeling for the Duchess Satine, and though it wasn't enough to keep him from his duty to the Order, he had been...very close to the woman, and probably would have left if only she had asked him to stay.

Padmé laughed lightly. "That's too bad, isn't it?" Kenobi nodded a bit absently, and she smiled brightly. "I had no idea how hard it was to be a Jedi. I thought it was all laser swords and floating fruit around and stuff."

"Floating fruit around?" Obi-Wan scoffed. "The Masters would say that's a gross misuse of the Force to use its power for something so mundane and pointless."

"So...do you do it?"

"...occasionally."

She smiled at him, and the two of them erupted in laughter that only stopped when they were breathless, tears gathered in the corner of their eyes. "But it is all laser swords then?"

Obi-Wan shook his head, breathing deeply to stretch his aching stomach. "No, no, it's more floating fruit than laser swords. We are all trained in the art of combat, but the Force is our focus. I mean, Master Yoda is probably one of the greatest Jedi that ever lived, and he never uses his lightsaber."

She nodded, understanding in her eyes that seemed to still be laughing. "I understand. Thank you, Obi-Wan, I understand you much better now, I think."

"Do you?"

"I do." She tilted her head, regarded him in a way that indicated that despite her understanding, he was still a curiosity to her. "I'd like to learn more about the Force from you."

"I would be happy to teach you what I know." He smiled shyly. "But next time, you can tell me about your involvement in the politics here."

She laughed. "I'm not really involved, I'm just a handmaiden."

Obi-Wan smirked. "Are you?" She inhaled sharply and flushed a light pink, and Kenobi felt her heart rate accelerate as he turned from her to board the ship. He stopped suddenly when he saw his Master walking across the hanger, Anakin trotting along at his heels. Seeing his Padawan, Qui-Gon lengthened his stride to meet him as Anakin ran past Obi-Wan to Padmé, his young face bright and overjoyed to see her. Kenobi sensed a deep connection between the two when the boy reached her and took her hand.

"Where have you been?" Qui-Gon asked as he reached his apprentice, and the two walked away from the earshot of the boy and the handmaiden.

"In my room."

"Your door was locked."

"I was sleeping. Naked."

The Jedi flushed, from embarrassment or anger, Obi-Wan was uncertain. His mental defenses were up and they were not coming back down. "I reached out to you through the Force, but you were blocked off to me."

"I was fine, Qui-Gon."

"You have never blocked me out before."

"Kriffing hell, I was asleep. And it's not like our day was easy. I needed to be alone, as I'm sure you can understand." The Master was still suspicious, but he let the matter drop. "I see you're bringing Anakin," Obi-Wan said bitterly before he could stop himself.

"He is my ward and my responsibility, I can't leave him here."

Obi-Wan felt his temper begin to flare again. "The child has no business on Naboo, not when we're headed into real danger. He should be left here, where you won't train him. He can't be a Jedi, he is dangerous."

"And you are disrespectful," the Master spat, and Obi-Wan felt his temper rise as Qui-Gon's did.

"It isn't disrespect, it's the truth!"

"From your point of view, perhaps." The Jedi's face was hard with anger, but Obi-Wan couldn't stop.

"The boy is dangerous! They all sense it, why can't you?"

"His fate is clouded, yes, but he is not dangerous. The Council will decide Anakin's future, and that should be enough for you." He turned away from Obi-Wan before he could answer, dismissive and cold. "Now get on board."

He did as he was bid. He had no desire to talk further with Qui-Gon, not when the rift between them had grown so deep. Not when this particular fight was Obi-Wan's fault. He simply could not hold his tongue when he had felt so slighted and betrayed, but he was embarrassed with himself for causing further ill feelings when it was clear that Qui-Gon had come to him concerned. Never the less, the rift between them was large, real, and solving this would be no simple matter.

Kenobi strode to the room on the ship that was designated his, threw his bag in the corner, and sat on the floor. He fully intended to meditate on what Master Windu had said. Putting his mental defenses up, Obi-Wan opened himself up to the Force in an attempt to balance himself again before he dove into contemplating the chill of the Dark Side that pulsed like a warning within him.