WELCOME BACK FRIENDS ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE? COS I KNOW A CHEF WHO IS!
Disclaimer FROM KING RAMSAY HIMSELF: I don't f***ing own Soul Eater. Soul Eater is the bloody property of Atsushi Ohkubo and Square Enix, and is not my intellectual property cos I'm a f***ing professional chef and I have no time for this bollocks. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought cos I'm already stinking rich. This is for entertainment purposes only. Furthermore, this is a work of fiction which features fictional representations of real people, namely me, Gordon f***ing Ramsay. Needless to say, none of the events are true. This story is a p*** poor representation of me and is based solely on my TV personality and not on my chocolatey inner core. It is complete and utter crack-tastic fictitious fiction.
RIBBIT
"So this is the Kishin..."
The huge mass of bandages hanging above me seem to make the air itself pulse. I feel each beat thump through my chest. My throat suddenly feels dry.
"Why do I have to be the one to do this? I'd rather have fought the entire DWMA than this. No offense, Mr. Kishin."
When did the air get so thick in here? So dizzy... No, no! Steady your feet, Eruka. Focus. Just gotta reach up and inject this black blood. Just gotta reach up, and...
I stretch my arms up towards the Kishin. Closer, closer, till the tips of my fingers are almost touching him. My brow is sweating. My fingertips touch the Kishin's bandages and!
Nothing. Nothing at all. It's just a bandage.
Phew. Okay, here we go then. Time for the black blood. I need to get this right or Medusa really will kill me. 3, 2, 1 - go! I stab the needle into the Kishin and pump every last drop of the black blood into his body. Good. Job done. Now to-
The Kishin explodes in a ball of darkness, launching me backwards till I smack into a wooden pillar. I look up, and there he is. He looks to be about the size of a mountain castle but I know that we're underground and that's impossible. He glows bright white apart from his eyes, which burn red. Perhaps the most terrifying part is his booming voice.
"Who the hell are you!?"
"M-Me? I'm Eruka! I awoke you from your sleep O' great Kishin, to ask-"
"Kitchen!? Yes, where is the kitchen, and why aren't you in it?"
"I'm sorry?"
"And where's your uniform!?"
"We're not in a kitchen, Mr. Kishin."
"My name is not Mr. Kitchen! Are you taking the f***ing p***?!"
"I, I didn't, I mean-"
"You, you insolent pipsqueak, will call me by my proper title: Grandmeister Chef Ramsay. Now make me some carbonara, before you really p*** me off. "
I look around but there's no one here to help. Of course there isn't, I was the one sent ahead to do this, though Free should be here soon. Where is he?
"What are you waiting for!? GO AND MAKE THAT CARBONARA, NOW!"
"Yes sir, Mr. Grandmeister Chef Ramsay sir!"
I run back the way I came. I don't know what happened, but it wasn't meant to be this. Something's wrong. Really wrong.
THREE DAYS LATER, AFTER MANY FRUSTRATINGLY LONG AND UNPLEASANT BUS JOURNEYS AND AFTER EXPERIENCING TRULY TERRIBLE CUSTOMER SERVICE AT A LOCAL POST OFFICE DURING AN ATTEMPT TO MAIL THEMSELVES TO DEATH CITY, THE DWMA CREW REALISE THAT THEY HAVE ONLY ONE OPTION LEFT IF THEY WANT TO RETURN HOME
"And that's why we're opening a bakery," says Professor Stein, his face as inscrutable as ever.
"What!? But baking is so uncool!"
"Soul, I've just explained to you why we have no choice."
"No you didn't, you just let the weird narrator voice do some filler and then pretended you explained yourself."
"Long story short, Gordon Ramsay is now the Kishin."
"Come on, now you're just talking shi-"
"Maka~a CHOP!" I say, Maka-chopping Soul.
"Good job, Maka."
"How long will we need to bake for?"
"A thousand cakes should do it."
Behind me, Black Star laughs to himself about how his cakes will completely surpass the baking process (and God).
AND SO THE PRODUCERS DECIDE
"My name is (okay everyone so I couldn't think of a name but here's what we're gonna do, okay? You think of someone you know who's really pretentious - and I mean really pretentious. Imagine someone who is so far up their own Danger Zone that they look like a human pretzel. Do you have a person in mind? Okay, so imagine that person is a cheap-ass fake psychic, the kind that wants to come along and do ghost shows for a lol and play their colleagues and the audience for fools, and then you'll know what I'm going for here. So are we good? Good. Okay, let's get back to the story) and I am about to resurrect Gordon Ramsay from the dead" I say into the camera. We all know I can't really do it, but we all also know that in the post editing even a pile of smouldering ash can be made to look like a supermodel. I make some random noises.
"Nake Snake Cobra Cobra, Nake Snake Cobra Cobra" I say, laughing inside at how stupid it all sounds. "Awaken, oh great one, and join us once more among the living!"
I wave my hands about wildly, making a 'wooooo' sound as I do so. Then the cameraman gives me a thumbs up and I let out a deep sigh.
"He was a nice chap, old Gordon. Wish I really could bring him back. Still, at least now no one's gonna get beaten up over some carbonara ever again."
BACK AT THE DWMA, CRONA IS HAVING A BAD TIME
Waiting around for an enemy to show up taught me one very important thing: I don't know how to deal with large empty rooms. I've had some experience of small empty rooms and I already knew that I definitely couldn't deal with those, but large empty rooms... I don't even know where to start.
"Crona I'm bored!"
Ragnarok rakes his knuckles over my head.
"Stop! Stop it!" I cry. I know how to interact with knuckles but I don't like it.
Light begins to disappear up into the ceiling, suffocating the area with darkness.
"Hey Crona, what's going on!?"
I hold Ragnarok in front of me, ready for an enemy, but no one comes. The room continues to get darker. I retreat until my back is against a tall pillar.
"The air tastes funny" Ragnarok grumbles. It does taste funny. It smells funny. It sounds funny. I hear loud voices. Men's voices. I don't know how to interact with loud men. I don't know how to
limbs feel stiff, rusty. I can't see Ragnarok. Where's Ragnarok? Suddenly so bright. Gasps. A woman screams.
"Gordon? Is that you? I can't believe it worked!" says a short balding man in a large purple cloak. I don't like him. I don't know how to deal with him. I want to erase him.
"Ragnarok..."
"...Mr. Ramsay?"
My arms begin to spasm. I notice that my arms are encased in metal. My eyes are encased in glass.
"You've trapped me."
"Not at all, Mr. Ramsay! This is your new body!"
"New body!? Where's Ragnarok!?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Sir."
A voice erupts from my stomach, "I'm in here you fool! I'm gonna give you so many stomach aches!"
"No please Ragnarok not stomach aches I hate stomach aches almost as much as I hate headaches!"
The balding man frowns. He leans over to a man in a tan suit and says, "I think something went wrong."
Ragnarok grumbles, "I'm hungry. Really hungry."
I become aware of my new enormous, metal teeth. My mouth is a bear trap. Ragnarok's hunger seeps through me, polluting my mind. I look around - the room is full of plump, shiny people wrapped up in fancy suits.
"I'm hungry too," I reply.
I decide to test out my new body.
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE IN A NEW BAKERY WHICH YOU SOMEHOW ACQUIRED DESPITE HAVING NO MONEY
"I wanna make a cool cake this time, Maka."
"Well I only know how to make cute ones, so make your own cake."
"I don't like baking."
"If we bake enough cakes, Ramsay will come back here, and then we can get back to Death City with his chef powers."
He fiddles with his headband, "It's been so long... Medusa's probably already bulldozed the DWMA."
"Soul, I'm trying to bake here. Just help me out with the icing or something rather than making me worry about everyone even more."
"Hmph."
Papa appears in front of us.
"Is everything okay Maka? Stein is busy with Death The Kid at the moment so if you need someone to help you bake-"
"I'm fine."
"If you're sure-"
"I am, Papa."
I place my mixture in the oven. It needs about thirty minutes. Thirty minutes. Soul whisks the icing, grumpily. I never thought baking would be the thing to come between us. Papa skulks away, glancing over his shoulder and smiling in that repulsive way he does sometimes. I need to pull myself together.
"Let's make the next one cool," I say.
"What?"
"We can make the next one a cool design. You can pick what it looks like."
"Hmph," he grunts again, but I can see in his eyes that he's already warmed to the idea.
Opposite us, Tsubaki is decorating a multi-tiered wedding cake while Black Star does push-ups on the work surface.
"A piano, " Soul mumbles.
"You wanna make it look like a piano?"
"Yeah, we can like, put mirror glazing on it and shit. It'll look just like a real piano."
I smile, "Sounds like it'll be too good to eat."
He adjusts his apron and gets to work whisking the icing. He's grinning now. His teeth glint in the glare of the midday sun. Soul, you idiot, I think. You don't need to try so hard to pretend you're not enjoying yourself.
"NOO!" Death the Kid suddenly wails, "Look at the way it's risen! Look at this monstrosity! I've failed! I'm not worthy of being a baker!"
"It's okay Kid," Patty consoles, "it looks just like a giraffe!"
"It's not meant to be a giraffe! It's meant to be a horse!"
Professor Stein claps his hands, "Right everyone! Practice is over. Now I'm going to open the store."
"But we're-"
"No buts, Liz. Take whatever cakes you've baked thus far and put them on the display trays so that we can entice customers in. We're going to have to take custom orders if we're going to lure Ramsay here."
"Why can't we just bake what we want?" Soul asks.
"Because that wouldn't progress the plot in the right way."
"I still don't understand."
"You don't need to. Now, bring them up!"
Professor Stein places a huge intestine-shaped yule log at the centre of the display area. Black Star and Tsubaki place Black-Star-Signature waffles and their enormous wedding cake just behind that, and Soul and I put some rainbow cupcakes next to those. Death the Kid doesn't bring anything, probably because he's been spending all his time perfecting whatever is he's trying to make. Oh, I almost forgot I still have something in the oven!
I dash back and retrieve the cake from the oven just in time. It's risen nicely. The shop bell dings.
"Everyone! We have a customer!"
I look up. I don't immediately recognise the short, pale man, but Death the Kid and Black Star freeze on the spot. The man takes off his top hat and says,
"Greetings. My name is-
CARBONARA
"Medusa, what's carbona-"
Eruka freezes when she sees me with my three 'guests'.
"Finish your sentence."
"What's... carbonara...? Also, who're they?"
"It's an egg-based pasta dish. And my name's Jamie Oliver!"
The chef bows as he says this. I resist the urge to kill him where he stands.
"These three chef idiots came here in the place of the DWMA idiots."
"They're chefs?"
"Do I have to repeat myself? More importantly-"
"AAAAA!" the third one screams. The only thing he does is scream. I should kill him now. Instead I wrap a snake around his throat until he passes out. The other two gasp. I ignore them.
"As I was saying, what's important here is awakening the Kishin. Why is he not with you, and furthermore where is Free?"
"I couldn't see him anywhere. I thought he'd come back to you."
"He has no reason to disobey my orders, and nor do you, Eruka."
"I didn't-"
"Well then, why are you not with the Kishin? Where is he?"
"He's back in the room, but-"
"No buts. Take me to him now."
"Sounds like we're about to take it up a notch!" cries Emeril Legasse. I punch him in the stomach.
"Shut up and follow me. Eruka, carry the unconscious one."
As we walk through the dusty halls, I realise that there really is no sign of Free. Worse, there's no sign of Crona, either. I'll have to punish that child very severely for this. In the distance I hear a low rumble. Good, Eruka may not have failed me after all.
We enter the Kishin's chamber. However, only still silence greets us.
"Eruka," I say softly, "if you value your life, you will take me to the Kishin."
"I'm telling you, he was right here!"
"TAKE YOU TO THE KITCHEN? HOW ABOUT TAKE ME TO THE F****ING KITCHEN!"
Suddenly, towering above us is a colossal glowing man, his face contorted in pure rage.
"O' great Kishin! I am Medusa, the witch who has awoken you from your great slumber!"
"I DON'T GIVE A F*** WHO YOU ARE, MAKE ME SOME BLOODY CARBONARA RIGHT NOW, OR I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUT OF MY KITCHEN."
"With all due respect, this isn't a-"
He roars, making the entire room tremble, then he rams his fist straight through the ceiling. I fall onto my back. Rubble collapses all around us. Is this the true power of the Kishin?"
"Mr. Kishin!" Eruka screams, "please-"
"MY NAME," he tears down more ceiling, "IS," smashes the floor, "GORDON, F***ING," now the pillars, "RAMSAYYYYYY!"
I quickly use my vector arrows to block incoming debris. Eruka huddles beside me. She's repulsive, but useful, so I don't push her away. Eventually the beast stops roaring and the ground becomes still, and quiet. This was not how I expected the Kishin to be. This might make things... difficult.
Then I hear a voice:
"Ooo! Seems like we're not so stuck in here after all!"
No, it can't be... Shinigami!?
I peek through a gap in the rubble and there the old fool is, wandering into the room. He'll be dead once the Kishin sees him. I feel my excitement building as I try to keep my soul wavelength hidden. I'll be able to see the Shinigami killed before my very eyes. Yes, this is truly a glorious day.
"Hm, looks like it's empty," he comments. He and his cohorts all wander into the room, look around, then wander straight out, down the hall I came in from. What's going on? Where's the Kishin. Where is he?
For a while there is only silence. Then in the distance, I hear Shinigami's voice echo,
"A-ha! There is someone down here."
I feel my stomach collapse in on itself. Did he bump into Free? Why did that wolf not stick to my plans? I thought I could trust him to at least do that much.
"You wouldn't happen to know where my carrot cake is, would you?" comes a cheery voice.
"Carrot cake? Why, I'm actually quite partial to carrot cake!" Shinigami replies.
"Well if you have a kitchen, I can whip up another one for you."
"Yeah that's it! Take it up a notch, Jamie!"
"AAAAA!"
Oh god. He found the idiots.
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WOW WHO WOULD'VE gUESSED THAT? I DIDN'T, AND I wROTE THE DAMN THING! NEXT UPDATE WON'T BE FOR A FEW WEEKS SO HOLD YOUR HINEYS TIGHT COS THEY MIGHT FALL OFF IN THE NEXT CHAPTER COS NEXT TIME WE GET TO MEET THE iNCREDIBLE oX fOORRDDDDDDDDDDD
