My sophomore year passed by without much incident other than the occasional glaring, not that I cared much. If they wanted to waste their time more power to them.
Embry and I had become really close; he was my best and only friend. We were starting our junior year, which sucked. Embry and I had absolutely no classes together so I was alone all day as was he. I had found an acquaintance outside of school in Jacob Black, Charlie's friend's son. He was ok but he lived on the Rez and I had to wonder if he was one that shunned Embry. I never had the guts to ask, either one of them.
Our junior year together was spent outside of school seeing as how we didn't see each other all day. Until one day it stopped completely. Embry didn't show up for school and when I called his house his mom said he was sick and I couldn't see him. It broke my heart. He was my best friend and without him I had no one.
This went on for a week. Finally I was sick of it and asked what was up, his mom said that she withdrew him from school and he was going back to the Rez. She would never let me talk to him; he never tried to call.
Charlie was starting to get worried about me, I wouldn't eat, and I didn't want to go to school anymore. I just wasn't Bella without Embry. He had fixed me when everyone else deemed me broken.
The window and the rocking chair became my new haven, the only place where I could find some semblance of peace. I stared out my window not really seeing, trying to figure out if I had done something to push him away.
The night at the end of our sophomore year stuck out in my memory. Was that where it all went wrong?
We had tried to have a relationship other than friendship and it ended in an awkward night of us sleeping together, vowing at the end of it all that we were better as friends. We never spoke of that night but could it be the reason he didn't want to talk to me now, many months after the incident.
I was beating myself up and I wish he would tell me something to stop the madness I was putting myself through.
Crazy, that's the road I was currently skipping down. You know that road that intersects Heartache and runs parallel to Pissed off.
I kept thinking it was something I did or didn't do. Did he want a relationship with me? Had we overstepped the friendship line so badly that it could not be repaired?
I screamed out in frustration, throwing anything he had gotten me against the wall. I was so glad Charlie was at work.
I suddenly felt the need to do something I hadn't done in a while, cutting. I had done quite a few self-destructive things in the past, cutting was one of them.
I ran downstairs into the kitchen grabbing a knife, looking at the clock. Charlie wouldn't be home for a couple hours so I was good.
I quickly hopped up the steps; excited to erase some of the pain I was feeling.
Before I had sliced my thighs, so they wouldn't be seen easily. So tradition dictated I use the same area.
Pulling my shorts up, I ran the knife across the delicate flesh adding pressure as I reach the center of my thigh. A beautiful line of red laid in the wake of the emotional release. A single tear rolled down my cheek but not due to pain. The release of all my pain was so great, it was liberating. Cutting did the one thing that crying for the rest of my life couldn't achieve, even if it was only temporary, peace.
My world wouldn't be clouded with pain, for a moment the aching would lift replaced with relief. The vicious cycle would continue until you looked butchered or until the pain would fade. I wasn't sure what would happen to me, but in this minute I didn't care. I just wished for it all to end.
I smacked myself.
No, this is not the Bella that would do this anymore. I can't do that to Charlie or Embry, even if he wasn't talking to me.
NO I should confront him, not destroy what I have worked so hard for. I can't, no I won't go back to the old me. This was my second chance and here I'm screwing it up.
With new determination I cleaned up the new cut and got dressed. I was going to fix me and Embry, whether he liked it or not.
