'm so tired. I don't think I've ever been this tired in m'life. Not hungry now. T'be honest, the dog meat's made me feel real sick. Jus' one more misery t'add to the growing list. Saliva collects at the back of my mouth. I try t'swallow it down, but it's like my throat's blocked. I don't know if I can hide this much longer.

And my thoughts return to Beth, like they've got a mind of their own. It's jus' like after Sophia died, this. I tried so hard to keep her safe. Beth, I mean. Never not even got a chance w'Sophia. It's all I thought about, keeping her safe, out there, alone after t'prison, jus' her and me. Or maybe it wasn't all I thought about. If I'd trie' harder she'd still be alive.

Maybe Rick gets it, how I feel. How I can hardly keep it in any more. He looked at me, earlier'n we were resting, jus' before the dogs. He looked a'me like he wanted t'say somethin', wanted me t'know what he was thinkin'. Or maybe I imagined it, I don' know. Cos the dogs came, an' that's all we've been thinking 'bout since.

I don' imagine anyone enjoyed eatin'em, but it's weird that the meat's made me feel so bad. 've had much worse. Somehow it's really drivin' home how bad things are. Reminds me of all t'things that have happened. Of eating the snake with Beth. And, why tho, of Rick and I burying t'walker tha' ate Lori.

And I know I'm gonna throw up, 'n soon. I sort of turn towards whoever's walking next to me. Might be Abe.

"Tell 'em 'm looking f' water."

I walk off quickly without checking he even heard me. I jus' wanna be out of sight so they don't know, don't think I need their sympathy. Cos I don't. I deserve this.

I make it a dozen yards into the trees before I've used up t'willpower. My knees feel real weak all of a sudden, and I can' carry on. I throw out a hand and catch myself agains' a tree, an' t'world turns inside out.

It's as awful as I remember. I hate puking, always've. Merle used t'laugh at me, for being such a baby about it.

It burns something fierce, this time, an't really hurts. My stomach's all in knots, like it can' wait t'be rid of th'dog. The thought of t'taste and smell of t'charred meat makes me gag more. For a long time I can' even breathe, and there's lights flashing, and 'm not sure I won' pass out. Finally, I jus' give in and slump to t'ground, not caring even where I land and whether I get puke all over m'pants.

Finally 't seems there's nothing left, and I lean back, gulping air. I wipe at my eyes cos I can hardly see, tears are makin' ever'tin blurry. Can't afford not t'be able t'see, not in this world.

An' I feel so guilty. We had to eat t'dogs, we have t'stay alive. Rick urged me t'eat, an' he was right. Now I have let him down again. If I want t'stay with them I need t'be able t'help them, be strong. I can't let this sorta thing happen. But it's not always in m' control. I couldn' control it after Sophia. It'd just grip me, and I'd end up like this, or hunched over in a field somewhere, retching, puking m' guts out. Not every day, but enough to make me weak, to make me worry they'd find out. He'd find out.

It went away after a while. I don' think anyone ever noticed. I didn' mention it t'anyone. What's the point? I guess going back t'the blades helped. Is that better, though, cutting til it won't stop bleeding? I don' know. I can' do it too much now anyway, there are too many eyes watching, too many people ev'ry time we stop fo' rest.

I sure wish I could, tho. I wish I could punish m'self, make those guilty voices stop. But it's no good. We firs' need to get through this.

As much as I jus' wanna sit here, or run away and hide, it's not really my call. There's people who need me, as hard as that's t'believe. Need Rick, so we better function, not let them down.

When I haul myself back up, all clumsy and light-headed, I see a barn through t'trees. Weird place for it. Then I glimpse at the sky, which is rapidly filling with dark, angry clouds. A wind picks up then and pulls on my clothes, makes t'trees sway. Looks like we might need shelter, an' soon. I look at the barn again then hurry off to t'others, to help get them t'safety, if necessary.