Chapter 3: Her Feelings
Jacob insisted on driving, so here I was sitting in the passenger seat. The good thing was I could watch him and try to figure out how I felt. The bad thing was I had time to think about him. If I was driving, I could put my focus onto the road and not how good-looking he was or how sweet he had been when he opened my door. I wouldn't be thinking about the way he looked at me as he helped me in.
Maybe offering up my dorm as a place to talk wasn't a good idea. Claire wouldn't be home tonight. It would just be him and me, and by the looks of it, he wanted something from me, something that I wasn't sure I could give him again. I mean, he broke my heart when he left, and I moved on. I think I have at least.
Jacob stared straight ahead as he drove. I don't think he's ever been this serious while driving. He was always so relaxed and carefree when we were in the car. Now, he looked light he might jump out of his skin if someone drove too close. A few minutes ago, someone passed us up in the next lane and his hands gripped the steering wheel so tight, I thought he was going to snap if off the dashboard.
"What are you thinking about?" Jacob's question caught me off guard.
"Mmm?" I said lazily.
"You always used to keep your mind open for me to read. Always used your gift, even with other people. But you especially kept the connection open with me. You've been staring at me for a while, and, right now, I just wish I knew what you were thinking."
"Oh." I blushed. "Um, I don't really open my connection to anyone anymore. I think the last time I did was…" I thought back. Had it really been that long ago. I wonder if I could even open it without touching someone now like I used to before I strengthened my gift. "Well, I guess it was before you left, so two years. I mostly vocalize my thoughts now, or at least the ones I want heard."
"Really?" Jake looked over at me with sadness in his eyes. "You really should use it. It makes you that much more special. I loved hearing you in my head, and I know the pack liked it, too. It was a change from the normal intruding thoughts." Jake turned back to the road. "And you didn't answer my question."
Right. What was I thinking about? You, Jacob. You. You. You. But if I told him that he'd probably expect something to come out of tonight. He'd probably think I still wanted to be with him. I decided to go for a half truth. "Uh, actually, I was wondering how you're really doing. You put on a fairly brave face at the bonfire, but I know you well enough to know you were hiding something. What was it really like over there? You seem forever tense, now."
Jake gritted his teeth and grasped the steering wheel tighter. "It was awful, Ness," he whispered so quietly I could barely hear him. "I- I don't know how to explain it. I can't explain it without losing it. The bombs. The blood. The death." He shook his head. "The only reason why I'm not completely insane right now was because I had this picture I would tape to my bed every night and to my rifle during a day. I would look at it and think "This is what you're fighting for Jacob. This is why you need to survive another day. If you ever want to see the real thing again, you have to make it through. You've got to be strong for any chance of that life to be possible again."
"What was the picture of? Your family? The pack? La Push?" Please, please, please don't say it. Just don't I don't think I could handle it if you say it.
Jacob smiled slightly and shook his head. "No, Ness. The picture was of you. It's one of the ones you took on my phone while I was sleeping. You're smiling and looking at me with so much love. I kept fighting so hard over there to get back to you. To that life. To the life we could have together. It's all I want. Hell, it's all I've ever wanted."
"Jacob, you-" He cut me off.
"I know what you're going to say. You've moved on. I don't like it, Ness. I, honestly, don't like it at all, but I made that choice to give you your freedom when I left. But I will fight like hell for you, Ness. I love you. You're the smoke to my high."
My heart constricted at our private joke. "The Perfect Two" was the song I once played saying it was our song. It quickly became a joke between us. We never listened to it, just quoted it all the time. "Is this what you wanted to talk to me about tonight?"
"No. Actually, I planned on telling you all of this later, but tonight I wanted to know what you want from me. How you feel about me. I don't want to live without you, Ness, but if you don't want me around, I'll respect that. I was really hoping we could try the friend thing again, at least. Please." At this moment, Jake parked my car in the lot next to my dorm.
I quickly jumped out of the car and headed towards the front door. Jacob followed me into the building and up to mine and Claire's room. I silently unlocked the door and entered. I dropped my purse on my desk and turned to Jacob. The moonlight came through my window, highlighting his gorgeous features. "I don't know if I can handle being friends with you," I whispered.
His eyes moved from me to the floor, disappointment and pain obvious on his face. "I understand." He shuffled his feet a bit. "I'll, uh, just be going then. Thanks for hearing me out, at least. I'm sorry I got so upset earlier." He reached for the door handle. "And, Ness, or Ren. You go by Ren now, right?" I nodded. "If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to call. I'll always be there if you need me, okay?" Without waiting for my answer, he opened the door.
Then I did perhaps the stupidest thing I could've in that moment.
I dashed over to him and wrapped my arms around his torso, pressing my face into the center of my back. He smelled just like he always had: fresh water and like the forest in the fall. I told him how I had really been feeling, "I have been so terrified of never seeing you again for the past two years. Then when you showed up today, I was angry because you growled at Seth for picking me up, because you still felt you had a claim on me, because you should've still had a claim for me but you broke up with me instead. I was so mad at you because I just wanted to run into your arms and to feel you and know you were safe and home. I was so mad because I was relieved you were home, alive. But most of all I was angry at you because you broke up with me, you left me and I still love you. I still only want to be with you. It's not fair." I was whispering by the end of my long speech, but I still held him tight to me. He still felt so warm under my touch.
He hadn't moved a muscle since I first hugged him, but now he pried my arms from his body, letting the door shut. Jacob silently turned to face me while still holding onto my arms. "What did you just say?" He looked terrified like I might run away at any second.
I looked down towards my shoes. Then, because I was too afraid to speak, I opened the connection I had kept closed for so long and let my love for him pass from my mind to his. He gasped as he felt it and realized what I was doing. Then a huge smile spread across his face.
"Man, have I missed that." Then he slid his hands up my arms to cup my face and kissed me.
