He's t'mos' gentle anyone's ever been wi'me. Sounds corny, but it's jus' t'truth.
A quick grope in an alleyway, blowjob in a sleazy bar's bathroom, tha's been m'encounters so far. I haven' even stayed over at anyone's place before.
So this, this is new. And nice, even in this unfamiliar house, this bedroom tha's not anyone's, no' yet.
He's waited f'me, actually looks nervous when I come in from t'shower. I think he was pacing, jus' before I opened the door. I feel a bit sheepish, standing there barefoot, hair wet. It's an unfamiliar feeling, bein' so clean. I don' really know why I didn' shower before. No real reason, I don' think. Just didn' feel like something at t'top of t'list.
He smiles as he steps close, an' I try to smile back. This all feels real unfamiliar, but I'm aching for it, too. I want him t'touch me, I want t'feel him. I need this now, I've needed this f'a long time. But I'm so fuckin' nervous. He's got much more experience, I know he does. Fuck, a 12-year-old has more experience wi' people than me.
Suddenly, or so it feels, he's real close, and my back's against t'door. I don't mind one bit, that he's in m'space. Then his mouth is on mine, and I jus' forget everything f'a bit. It's as nice as I imagined it. He tastes, smells, feels jus' so right. His face is smooth, and that's different from what I imagined. Cos I used t'imagine it often, this moment. But in my fantasy, we were out in t'woods, agains' a tree somewhere, or by t'side of the road. One ear out fo'walkers, or for t'others. Now it's jus' us, an' finally, for t'first time since we got here, I feel I can relax.
He presses close, an' I can feel him, feel him against m'leg, through all th'clothes. And I feel m'body respond. It's almost painful, an' I want all those layers gone. M'hands come up and tug at his tee, which he quickly pulls off. I start on his pants buttons while he's busy with m'shirt.
But suddenly I can' go on. He's never seen m'scars. I'm so used t'hiding scars I hardly notice it now. There are the ones on my back of course, which pa left t'remind me I'm scum. But there's also the ones on my thighs, and m'stomach, some on m'ankles. I made those myself, and sometimes I think they're there to remind me not t'forget what pa did. These ones're mostly faded now, but I know he'll know wha'they mean.
He notices, pulls away. And looks at me, all worried like. Makes m'heart ache, makes me ache for him. I want this, so much, but it's hard t'go against this instinct, when you're so used t'being frightened of it all y'life.
"What is it, Daryl?"
I hesitate, try t'think of a solution. How can we have this, without m'feelin' so awful? He would probably have ideas, but I want t'be able to sort m'own shit, even if only sometimes. I decide t'be as honest as I can.
"'s my… my back, I don't… Can we turn t'lights off?"
He doesn't hesitate. I see him look a little sad, but like he's sad for me. He gets it. I don' know how he does it, but somehow he always gets me, when it's important. He reaches over and flicks the light switch.
There's enough moonlight, and some lighting off t'other houses on the street, that we can still see well enough. I relax immediately. It's not even that I don' want him t'know, I realize. I jus' want t'not have t'think, or talk about it jus' yet. And for now we don'' have to.
He's so close, but suddenly that's no longer enough. Now I crowd in, push him back. Kiss him, hungrily, but with enough slowness t'make it last, make us last. We're in no rush, there's nowhere we have t'be right now, or in an hour, or even four. This thought is so great I have t'laugh a bit, I can' help it. He seems t'agree wi' my thoughts, I can feel him smile. Then he pulls me even closer. Gives himself over t'this, t'me. He's all there. In this moment, with me. Jus' me, no divided attention, no obligation, and I can' hardly believe I'm not dreamin'.
I feel his hand on m'neck, threading into my hair, strokin' skin that's still damp. His other hand is on m'back, but it stays on top of m'shirt, an' I'm grateful. He pulls me close, and again I feel him agains' me, and suddenly there's urgency. I need t'feel him more, need t'have skin agains' skin. Have him inside me, have him fuck me. Jus' have him, for me.
Maybe he reads minds, cos next moment his hands are busy with m'pants and I can feel them slide down over m'hips before I even quite know he's managed to undo the buttons. His hands travel back up an' I can feel them push aside the waistband of m'underwear.
I lose track of things as he takes me in one hand an' starts to stroke, gently at first, then faster, harder. I have t'stop him quickly or he'd just bring me, finish me, before we're even halfway done.
"No, not jus' that…"
My voice sounds rough in m'own ears, like I haven' talked in days. Weird, that. This place seems nothin' but talk. I put a hand between us, cup him through his pants and he hisses as I let m'fingers tighten, rub through the material. I lean in, place m'forehead against his shoulder. I feel suddenly dizzy, jus' need t'take a moment to let it all sink in. When it does, when it feels real, I know I've made m'decision. I want this man an', if he'll have me, I want t'be his, all t'way, in every way. I lift m'head, try and see him well enough t'read him as I speak.
"Fuck me, Rick. Fuck me hard."
He looks at me for a long moment, breathing fast as I keep strokin' him.
"You want me to."
It's not a question, but I nod all t'same.
"More'n anything."
So he leads me the rest of the way over to t'bed, and does as I asked him to.
It's the kind of night tha' sticks in y'mind forever. The kinds of moments tha' remain wi' you an' that return to t'surface again an' again. The kind that, when thing're terrible, and painful, will give you t'strength t'make it to t'other side.
His hands on m'body, how they push away m'clothes.
The feeling of cool, new sheets against m'too hot skin.
His shadow, looming large right there between m'legs.
The feelin' of his fingers, so strong and sure in the almost darkness. Probin', testin'.
M'heart beatin', blood pulsing, at the sensation of him enterin' me f'the firs' time.
The ecstasy of t'slow movement, t'stimulation tha's almost painful but never quite.
My body respondin', accommodatin', relaxin' around'im.
Him, above me. Him, leanin' in. Him, kissin' me. Him, looking, scanning, watching me as'm close, edging, tippin' over.
Him, there, right wi' me.
Curled agains' his chest later, his arms round me. Feelin' safe, feelin' whole for t'first time in god knows how long.
Listenin' t'him breathe. Feelin' his heartbeat, slow, regular, calming me. Knowin' that this is it, this is right, an' holding that thought so, so close as I drop off t'sleep.
