"What're you up to today? Gotta be somewhere this early?"
You suddenly realize, with a sinking feeling, that you have no idea what he did all day yesterday. You saw him being careful with his arm again last night, and if nothing else you should have asked him about that. So much for your resolution to be more mindful of his needs. You were so sure that without walkers crawling all over you day and night you'd have more leisure to put his needs first. Well, maybe it wasn't being too busy that has prevented you from paying proper attention to someone outside yourself. Maybe you're just a selfish dick.
He throws you that look that he used to give all of you when you first met, all narrow eyes, hunched shoulders and suspicion. The look he has when you know he's hurting and wants you to back off. Then he looks away and finishes pulling on his shoes.
"'m going out wi' Aaron. There's a group he's been tracking, wi' Eric. Bu' now Eric's hurt, so they asked me…"
"Look…" Fuck, why did you interrupt him? You're just making it worse, you know it, and yet you keep doing it… "I'm sorry… I mean, I never asked you how things were, last night. Day was so crazy…"
You trail off, but it takes a few moments before he speaks again.
"Yeah. I know."
He gets up off the bed and pulls on his jacket and vest. You wrestle with the sheets, desperate to get up and go to him before he has a chance to slip away. Finally you manage, and hurry round the bed just as he turns towards the door.
"Daryl, please…"
You reach for him, and he flinches away, just as bad as he used to do. You freeze, real fear in your gut now. He's not done this in ages. He doesn't move either, but you can see him tremble. A shudder goes through him, head to toe, like he's fighting hard not to just bolt from the room. You can tell he's really shaken up, and angry.
There were all these big plans in your head last night, how things would be different now, how you'd take care of him, of this… thing between the two of you. You haven't even had a chance to try any of it, and you've already blown it, looks like. You feel ashamed for making him so miserable. What's he ever done to deserve this?
You take another small step towards him, and you can see him quiver. But he stays where he is. It almost breaks your heart, how hard he's fighting his instincts. You know you should stay quiet now, not make this any worse, but the truth is, you're worried, and you feel compelled to tell him why.
"Daryl, you sure it's a good idea, helping them recruit more people?"
He bristles, you can see it. But he keeps it under control. Better, in fact, than you are. You ache for his touch, his eyes on you gentle. Your own eyes sting with tears you don't want to shed. Please, don't let this be the end…
"Wha' d'you mean? You're their constable, why can't I be their recruiter…"
"Recruiter? So this is decided already?"
You know you're doing it all wrong. That tone you use with him? Not the way to go… He stiffens, half turns towards the door.
"I don' need y't'tell me wha' I can' do… 'm not y'pet, or y'child… 'm nobody's bitch…"
You're suddenly annoyed as well as miserable that he could think that's how you see him.
"Of course you're none of these things. But Daryl, you're smarter than that. You know not to take this at face value…"
His head snaps round and he looks at you properly, and the look in his eyes breaks your heart. It's hurt, pride, defiance and a little bit of hatred all mixed together. You know you deserve it.
"Yeah, Rick, I do know. I do… 'm careful, kay? Tol' you I was las' nigh'. No need t'harp on… We can' all be you, jus' focusin' on wha's wrong, all t'time. Some of us are tryin', and we find it hard. 's hard t'let'em get close, when they always… s'many… 'm doin' it fo' t'kids, ok? An' fo'… oh hell, forget it…"
You are sure you see tears starting to roll down his face but before you can reach for him again he's out of the door, gone.
You know better than to follow.
