A/N: So I'm currently going through one of the harshest parts of my life right now, and I'm trying my best to get myself together. It was all probably my fault, but I guess it was fitting that I was both how it began and how it ended.
Putting all the ambiguous mumbo-jumbo aside, here's the 3rd chapter of Disassembled to force myself to function irl.
Also, Happy Midway Day~
Chapter 3: An Empty Shell
The war began on late January and lasted for more than a month. The first major usage of a standard carrier in battle was a success for the Navy. Quick, concentrated aerial strikes proved to be devastating for the enemy, and nearly a month after we joined the war, our fighter planes shot down an enemy aircraft and scored the first air-to-air combat victory for the Navy.
As the standard carrier and flagship, I was instantly showered with praise, but it meant that my weaknesses also clearly showed in battle. The problems with my faulty exhaust system, slow speed, and smaller flight decks were criticized and evaluated. Some of them spoke of my performance in glowing terms, but the rest were always getting at me with glib explanations, going so far as to call me a mediocre ship. They were probably in the middle of making a plan to put me out of service for a refit or modernization.
Tenryuu and Yura voiced out their displeasure because they thought that the higher-ups were ganging up on me, but I honestly didn't care.
My role in this war had attracted the attention that I needed for aircraft carriers.
That was what I kept telling myself to forget about that horrible thing I did.
I missed the main base so badly that I wondered why I was gleeful about the idea of going to war before.
However, during that whole month, I found myself missing Akagi the most.
Countless times, I had stood in front of the phone and did nothing but stare intently at it. I couldn't bring myself to listen to Akagi's gentle voice asking me, "How was your first battle, Kaga-san?"
I did not want to tell her about that.
I knew it was foolish. Akagi probably had heard about what I did from everyone else in the base. Not giving her a call at all would probably just make her more worried about me.
But I was a coward. She did call for me, several times, but I refused to speak to her. I didn't want her to be disappointed of me, all over again. Not when I finally could bring some good news back to her.
News that could make her proud of me as an aircraft carrier, not as a replacement of her sister.
Despite the fact that I had to come home with blood on my hands.
After the declaration of the cease-fire, the fleet were allowed to go back to the main base.
We didn't call it a victory, but the war ended with overwhelming damages to the enemy.
It also called attention to the potential of aircraft carriers in a naval battle.
I have fulfilled my objective, but to be honest, I didn't feel fulfilled. I was more hesitant to head back.
After my gnawing doubts prevented me from contacting her at all for a whole month, when Houshou probably did, how could I possibly face Akagi when I arrived back home?
The rest of the fleet girls welcomed us warmly when we got back. Before I could freshen up, I was bombarded with questions from all sides. Many of them were curious about how a fleet carrier battle really went, and they also congratulated me about my accomplishments. Judging from their excitement, you'd think it made front-page news or something. Everyone seemed to treat it like a victory, as they held a party for us and kept telling me to fuel up as much as I wanted. There were even games and prizes galore. I could never understand what all the fuss is about with parties. As long as a war existed, we fleet girls would never be allowed a free-wheeling lifestyle until the day we died, so some of us gloried in chances like this.
The rest of my fleet mates immediately joined the crowd to celebrate, except for Houshou, who would probably rather help out in the kitchen than party, and probably Mutsuki, because I did not see anywhere. Tenryuu became foul-mouthed and a compulsive gambler after a few drinks, Kirishima was gamely trying to find a way to make everyone's clothes glittery, and Yura, who was recounting an interesting battle to her sister ship Abukuma while excitedly waving her arms around, accidentally hit a waiter with a glancing blow and his tray of glasses went flying.
I wasn't really in the mood to party, and I couldn't stand all their uncontrollable gales of laughter. Everyone in the main base had heard of everything that happened in the front lines. And that meant Akagi had, too, although she wasn't here. It was even worse because everyone kept mentioning her name and regretted that she couldn't come.
And why was it so crowded here? Did they invite fleet girls from other bases too? The celebration was definitely just an excuse to party. No wonder the drunks were so loud.
"Ashigara, I think that's enough for today."
"Nachi, you killjoy. Get looost."
"Nope, she's right. You're embarassing, you have to stop now."
"Myoukou, come on. Give yourself a break. The operation was a success. We escorted those noisy guys! They wouldn't give me a chance though."
"You asked those soldiers out?"
"Yeah, Haguro, you saw their muscles? Their gadgetry? They really got me going. This definitely isn't the most glamorous job in the world, but it has its moments."
I sighed and stared at my own cup. They were still full. I guessed I made a mistake sitting near the Myoukou-class heavy cruisers, Myoukou, Nachi, Ashigara, and Haguro. They probably felt nothing about the stuff I went through to allow them to escort the Army during the war. Listening to their happy banters only made me felt more terrible about myself.
I really wanted to go back to my room, but I didn't want to disappoint the girls who held this party for the fleets that participated in the war.
Just when I thought nothing could possibly made my day more awful than it already was, I heard a voice from the seat next to me.
"You shitty carrier."
I blinked a few times, not sure if I heard that right. It was a girl with a long side ponytail. Her hairtie is decorated by a pink chysanthemum and a circular chime, and her face was so red that I could tell that she was completely drunk.
"Uh...excuse me?" I tried asking, but I guessed that was a wrong move because she proceeded to slam her drink on the table and yelled at me, "Shitty carrier! You shitty carrier! Why are you wearing such a glazed look in a party? You think you're so high and mighty, just because you have them planes, you shitty carrier! I will..."
"Akebono-chan!" The girl next to her cut off her rant. She had long raven hair, and she was wearing the same blue and white uniform as Akebono. She looked so nervous as her eyes darted between Akebono and me. "Akebono-chan, that is not what you intended to say just now! You said you wanted to congratulate her!"
"Eh? Am I not congratulating her?" she hiccuped.
"Akebono-chan!"
Oh great, an angry drunk.
"Ushio, get me a refill," she clumsily waved her paper cup around and knocked a passing girl's head, who also seemed to be drunk. This girl has brown hair which is tied into a ponytail with a black ribbon, and she looked absolutely furious.
Oh, here we go.
"Hey, what's your problem? !"
"What the heck? !"
"You just hit my head, Akebono!"
"Shut up! How do you know my name? Who are you? !"
"The hell are you talking about! ! We're the same class, you jerk!"
"Shikinami, stop!"
"Let go of me, Ayanami!"
"Let me at her! Where are you taking me, Ushio? !"
"Sorry, we're leaving now, Akebono-chan! You have to wake up early for patrol duties tomorrow!"
"I'm getting off work!"
"Please don't joke about that!"
I watched the chaos that unfolded before me when Ushio was dragging Akebono out of the party, while Akebono continued to yell obscenities at everyone they passed by. Shikinami put her tongue out at her, but the girl she called Ayanami, who had a long side ponytail tied by a similar black ribbon, was still holding her tightly from behind. There was another girl beside them, whose hair was tied into a braid, holding two paper cups while saying, "Oh, it's a good thing Ushio is here before Akebono starts throwing drinks at people. Because I don't think Sazanami or Oboro would care."
"Whoa, whoa, what's with all the racket...?"
Oh great, after verbally assaulting me, Akebono attracted the heavy cruisers' attention to me. Thanks to her, there were now more than five girls around me who were too close for comfort.
The Myoukou-class heavy cruisers all wear blue and white clothes with stockings and puffed sleeves. They all have long black hair with differing styles, except for Haguro, whose hair is short.
Ashigara was the first to greet me. "Heeey, isn't it Kaga? Hey, Kaga, thanks for your hard work! Our job was easier back there thanks to you!"
Ayanami and her friends looked surprised to hear that. "Oh my gosh, you're Kaga? I'm really sorry about that," the girl with the braids quickly said, "Akebono...she isn't actually like that when she's sober."
"No, she actually is kind of like that when she's sober," Ayanami corrected her.
"Just to certain people. But she's usually really nice to fleet girls. Please forgive her rudeness."
Huh. Why did everyone start acting weird around me like I was intimidating or something?
"It's okay, Isonami. Kaga might look scary but she's actually not like that."
I glared at her. "...Nachi-san."
"Sorry, Kaga. You wouldn't believe how many times I said that to the destroyers who tried to talk to you tonight."
I gave her a questioning look. "...I don't think anyone tried to talk to me."
"That just goes to show that you couldn't convince them at all, Nachi," Myoukou laughed.
"Well, what am I supposed to say?"
"...I'm sorry that I make it hard for you."
"Oh, no, no Kaga, don't say that," Haguro hurriedly said, "They're probably just a little afraid of you because they're used to talking with Akagi."
Hearing them mentioning Akagi's name made me feel like a heavy stone was dropped into my stomach.
"Speaking of Akagi, where's that carrier gone off to?"
"Why are you asking me? Her partner is right in front of you."
"I'm not her..."
"Is she still in the factory?"
So now everyone assumed that I was her bestest friend or something...? Very funny, because I hadn't contacted her at all in a month.
"Probably..." I answered carefully.
Ayanami, Isonami, and Shikinami looked excited when Akagi was brought up. "I wonder when she can come out?"
"She was so graceful during the combined fleet maneuvers."
"I know right. Fleet carriers really are something else."
The heavy cruisers nodded in agreement and I raised an eyebrow at their remarks. I didn't know Akagi was this well-known among the fleet girls, since I never conversed much with them. Sure, a lot of people visited her, but I guessed she had more admirers than I thought.
The heavy cruisers seemed interested and now they were having a conversation about both Akagi and me.
"Akagi and Kaga sortieing together would be quite a sight, huh?"
"When can we see that? They've never practiced together, have they?"
"If you see her, Kaga, can you tell her that we're waiting for her to be back...?"
"We probably won't be good enough to be carrier escorts, but..."
"I guess we just miss her and her antics."
"You mean when she shut down the kitchen after she gobbled up everything and only gave us a lame apology after that?"
"Uh, I don't really miss that one."
"Why did everyone forgive her instantly, though?"
"Now that I think about it, she didn't look like she regretted her actions at all."
"Even though she's a glutton, she just looks cool when she's serious."
"And so cute when she begs for forgiveness, that everyone couldn't help but let it go."
I looked up to see them all smiling at me.
They made me realize that Akagi...who came to this base before me, who was under so much pressure as the only standard carrier, could still bring a certain kind of happiness to these girls around her. These girls didn't think of us the way the higher-ups did. The thing that pushed us to keep going, despite the crimes that we were all guilty of, was also right here in this room, in every life of our comrade. And that includes Akagi too. I could not just continue being immature and avoid Akagi forever. I promised myself to visit her tomorrow morning.
After the Myoukou-class cruisers left the party, Isonami, Ayanami, and Shikinami congratulated me and introduced themselves as Destroyer Division 19. We didn't talk much because Shikinami was drunk and was reduced to a gibbering mess, but they did tell me that they wished to sortie with Akagi and me in the future. Apparently Mutsuki told them all about my battles and they were really impressed. I never realized that she paid attention to me that much.
"Where's Mutsuki though?"
"Ah, she was here just a moment ago, with Fubuki and the rest of her Month sisters."
"Rambling about you, Kaga-san."
"I guess it was quite an honor to sortie with a standard carrier!"
I drank more from my cup to hide my embarrassment.
If more girls started to look up at me, I needed to get my act quickly together and really fulfill my promise to see Akagi tomorrow.
After I could not hold back my guilt any longer, I dragged my feet to the factory, hoping that Akagi would not get angry when she saw me.
When I arrived at the paved road where the factory fronts onto, my heart was still not prepared at all.
I stood for full five minutes at the front door before deciding that I was not ready for this.
I was about to turn around and go when the door suddenly opened and the girl I had been desperately trying to avoid was standing right there in front of me.
Oh, what a difference one second could make.
I swallowed hard as Akagi looked me full in the face and examined me from head to toe.
As much as I missed gazing at her, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, waiting for her inevitable rebuke.
But instead, I felt the sudden touch of her fingers on my cheeks, which caused my eyes to fly open in surprise. Akagi was running her hands over my face with a worried expression, as if she was making sure that I was really there. She was much closer to me than she had ever been, and it sure did wonders to my brain. Those small strokes she made completely turned me into a fumbling schoolboy.
"A...A...Aka..."
"Kaga-san..." she said with a slightly shaking voice, "...You're really here..."
That made me stare at her in confusion, but then I remembered this was the first time I met Akagi since I came back.
"...I thought... I thought everyone was lying to me," she continued, "Since you never called... I thought you sank and everyone was hiding it from me... Thank goodness... Thank goodness you're safe!"
She looked so relieved that a wave of guilt rushed back to me again.
For a whole month, Akagi thought that I had sunk and the others tried to cover it up, all because I was too afraid to make a call.
I had caused her too much unnecessary worry.
I really wanted to scream at my past self to call her or accept her calls. It seemed like so much burden had just been lifted from her shoulders that she looked like she was about to cry.
A late apology is better than none at all.
"Akagi-san... I'm sorry that...I didn't call..."
"It's alright, what's important is that you're safe," she said, and then she did something that made my heart jump to my throat. Akagi pulled me into a tight hug and wrapped her arms around my shoulder. Standing rooted on the spot, I thought I was melting in her embrace by the second, and my ears were ringing like an alarm in my brain. I didn't know what to do with my hands.
I...I...I can feel her breas-
"You don't have to try so hard..." she said quietly to my ear, "You can't sink...just like that. Please don't scare me like that."
Those words warmed my heart, and for once I was so grateful I got sent into war.
Akagi-san...is really waiting for me to come home.
I can feel...that I mean something to her, can't I...?
My hands hovered over her back and, very slowly, I pressed my palms against her body and felt her long silky hair on the tips of my fingers. Her body heat spread to me and her scent filled the air that I breathed. It was so pleasant, so satisfying, like drinking full-bodied wine.
God... this feels so good that there must be something wrong with me...
"A-Akagi-san, I did it. It was a success. I scored our first air-to-air combat victory," I told her, "They are paying more attention to carriers now."
"That's amazing, Kaga-san, you did a great job," I heard her say, and my heart was swollen with pride.
"Thank you," I timidly replied.
I wondered if she saw me as a better carrier now...? She is truly gifted with such a sweet tone that can make me feel so pleased with myself. Oh, right, we promised to have dinner together. I could talk to her more that way. It would be so perfect.
"Kaga-san...you're too important," Akagi said again, "I don't know what Amagi-nee would say to me if... the one who she died for sink..."
The nice, pleasurable feeling that had been flooding my mind was suddenly washed away completely.
Everything...
Everything she said...
Everything she did for me...
Everything was done for the sake of her sister...
To nurture me, to make me stronger...
She simply doesn't want her sister to die in vain...
Everything... Everything is...
I put my hands on her shoulders and gently shoved her away from me.
I felt a twinge of regret when I saw her astonishment, but I didn't care.
"Kaga-san...?" she asked with a small voice. My hands were still on her shoulders and my expression probably terrified her, but that realization upset me far more than I dared to admit.
I didn't usually let my emotions show on my face. How did it come to this? Why did this girl have such a huge effect on my mind and body?
I hate her.
I hate how she can play with my feelings on her palm like a toy.
I hate how she can make me despise myself so much.
I hate how she never looks at me the way I am, despite everything that I have done and accomplished solely to make her notice me.
It wasn't enough.
Not even achieving victory in that war would be enough.
Once again, I was too naive for my own good.
Nothing, nothing could make her notice me.
"Akagi-san..." I said to her, "...I want you to look at me."
Why the heck at that time I thought those words would do anything to Akagi other than bemuse her, I didn't understand.
"...I want you to look at Kaga..." I continued, while my throat started to hurt, "I want you to look at me, and see Kaga, not Amagi!"
Feelings that I had held back for months poured out of my mouth like a painful confession, and I regretted it almost immediately.
That was so cruel, so loathsome.
I could hear my mind screeching to me in absolute anger, screaming everything that I had locked tight at back of my mind ever since I was converted.
You're despicable, Kaga.
How could you say that to the dearest sister of someone who has saved your life? ? Ungrateful trash! You're a failure as a battleship, a failure as a carrier, and now a failure as a friend! You should just sink to the bottom of the ocean! You don't deserve to be saved. It is Tosa and Amagi who are supposed to be alive, not an ungrateful scum like you...!
I covered my ears with my hands, trying to block the voices in my head, but what had slipped through was enough to bring tears into my eyes.
A failure!
You should just sink!
You don't deserve to even stand in front of Akagi!
Go away and never come back!
My feet moved on their own and I reflexively ran away from that place, not wanting Akagi to see me cry.
It's over... I thought hopelessly, It's over, she will definitely hate me no-
"Kaga-san, where are you going?"
A hand that suddenly grasped my wrist stopped me from running, but I was not brave enough to face her anymore.
"Akagi-san, let me go," I demanded, but she held on tighter.
"Akagi-san," I called her again, but before I could yank my hand away, Akagi's arms had cradled my head and I found myself being held close against her body again. Her scent is intoxicating, and as much as I wished to get away from her, my mind was refusing me with all its power and my legs grew weak in front of her.
"Akagi-san!" I said, louder this time. I was so dangerously close to tears, I needed to leave quickly.
"...Sorry..." I heard her whisper without letting go of me, "Sorry...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, Kaga-san..."
Before I knew it, she was apologizing to me over and over, like a broken record, and she wouldn't stop stroking my head, reminding me of Tosa's gentle touch when she ruffled my hair.
I don't want... this girl to remind me of Tosa.
I don't want this girl to see me cry.
I don't want...I just don't want to be around her, because I don't know how she can have this effect on me...!
But my eyes were quickly betraying me because her body was the most agreeable thing that mine had ever made contact with, probably even more so than Tosa's.
"Akagi...san..." I sobbed, "Let me go..."
"Kaga-san...is always trying her hardest," she said to me, "I know, Kaga-san hardly ever told me, but everyone always did. I was... always afraid that Amagi-nee's replacement was some fleet girl who wasted that precious life she had given her. That was why I lashed out on you. I was foolish, hateful, and afraid. But after I know you better... it makes me so happy that it turns out to be you, Kaga-san. When I see you, I can't help but wish that Amagi-nee were here to look at the fleet girl who replaced her. You are strong, hard-willed, and never once have you taken Amagi-nee's death for granted. I'm so proud of you, Kaga-san."
Drops of water started to fall freely from my face, causing wet marks to appear on Akagi's clothes.
I was too distraught to wonder if she was really being sincere or not, but those were the words that I wanted to hear the most in the world from her.
I buried my face in her shoulder, wanting to feel more of her warmth on my body.
"...I'm not...they said I'm mediocre," I said before I couldn't control my voice anymore, "I'm a mediocre ship, Akagi-san, just like you said since the beginning!"
"Well, you can improve," Akagi said without missing a beat, "But if you don't, it's okay. Kaga-san is fine just the way she is."
"No, you don't know me, Akagi-san," I cried, "They ordered me to kill innocent people, and I obeyed them! While I of all people should know how it feels to lose a family, I couldn't pity them enough to save them. When I was drawing my bow, all I could think about was myself. Myself, Akagi-san! This pathetic life that I was given to was all that I could think of. I'd rather save myself than save them."
Neither of us spoke for a few moments.
I didn't know what I was doing. I just thought that, although I wanted it so much... in my mind I still didn't deserve her approval.
Or maybe... It was that I could finally admit that I'm afraid.
Afraid of the punishment of my sins.
Nobody could just get a free pass to heaven after committing such a contemptible crime.
It might take five, ten, twenty years... but someday, I would be punished... and I would pay for every single life I took, every single family I ruined, every single child who was left alone in the world because of me...
"...Kaga-san..." Akagi began, "You know what we are, right?"
I gazed into her serious eyes and nodded.
"The only reason they built us is to kill people, nothing more and nothing less," she continued, "To be easily used, to be easily lost, to be easily replaced, we fleet girls are not supposed to have any kind of emotional attachment."
"But..." I interrupted her, "We do anyway."
"If it is to ensure absolute loyalty to the Navy, then it is the most effective trait of all," she said, "But just like every human nature that we copied, it is too prone of faults."
Her voice was unsteady and I was pretty sure she was holding back her tears.
I wondered if something happened while I was away.
Akagi... had locked her emotions deep inside after the Navy betrayed her and cast her sisters aside.
I wondered if this was her way of telling me that petty things like feelings were not needed as a fleet girl of the Navy.
Built with emotions, consumed by emotions, then ripped apart by emotions.
All she has left now was herself.
Her pride, her skills, her aircraft.
Other than that, she is made of nothing but an empty shell.
February 1932
Kaga's Nakajima A1N2 fighters shot down a Boeing P-12 in IJN's first ever air-to-air combat victory.
March 1932
Upon the declaration of the cease-fire, Kaga and the 3rd Fleet returned to home waters.
