A/N: The story pace would slow down for a chapter or two, and in case you're wondering... yes, I think this is going to be a really long fic.

We're going to take it easy for a while, so enjoy the chapter everyone~


Chapter 5: Invalid

I helped Akagi walk out of the dojo, where Ryuujou was waiting while leaning against the wall. When Ryuujou saw me, she grinned and gave me a thumbs up, then she patiently supported us as we slowly headed back to the factory. We let Akagi sit on her bed and I went to the kitchen as Ryuujou kept her company. I admire that girl; she has no trouble conversing with an unstable, distressed person and she seems to have a genius for making people feel like home. It probably helped Akagi that she didn't have to directly face a grilling. After she drank a lot of water, her expression was much calmer than when she was crying in the dojo, and she could have a small talk with Ryuujou.

There was nothing but rice in the kitchen, and although I knew that Akagi wouldn't mind, I couldn't just give it to her like that. I prompted to make a pot of porridge out of it before bringing the whole pot complete with the ladle to Akagi's bedroom.

"Akagi-san, I'm sorry, but this is all we have right now," I huffed, "I hope it is enough for you."

Ryuujou just stared at me and the ladle in my hand with her mouth open.

"...I'll never understand you standard carriers," she remarked.

"Get used to it," I said to her.

"What are your stomachs made of! ?"

I smirked and handed the porridge to Akagi. She was beaming, and I suddenly felt so self-conscious about this food I just made for her.

"Kaga-san made me porridge!" she said cheerfully.

My face flushed bright red in an instant. "It's...it's just porridge...it's just..."

"Hahahahaha! Kaga just stuttered!"

"Ryuujou-san!"

"Can I try the porridge too?"

"No. This might not be enough for Akagi-san."

"Oh, come on! Just a bit! I already gave you a free hand in the kitchen. Now I'm curious about how it tastes like!"

"No. Go make your own porridge."

"You'll make porridge for Akagi but not for me? ?"

"Yeah. You have a problem with that?"

"That's so unfair!"

Less than a minute later Ryuujou stormed out of the room crying dramatically, "I'm never giving you my freebie bauxite again! Damn yooou."

I heard a tiny laugh from the bed and I realized that I was smiling myself.

Getting to see Akagi giggling at our bickering was probably the best prize that I wanted from this long, tiring day.

Truly, an atmosphere of warmth and geniality suits her better than the cold, poignant loneliness in that empty dojo.

"Why don't you let her try?" she chuckled.

"It's better than giving it to her with a bad grace. Just let her be. Please eat up, Akagi-san," I urged, "Um, I'm sorry if it's not to your liking."

"Oh, not at all. It's delicious!"

I snorted and leaned closer to her. "Really? Don't lie to me, Akagi-san."

She regarded me for a few seconds before muttering apologetically, "Okay, it was God-awful."

"Obviously," I said, although I wished she could sugarcoat it a little.

"But," she added, "I want to eat it."

"You don't have to..."

"No," she insisted, taking another sip from the ladle, "I want to eat the porridge Kaga-san made. I'm going to eat until I'm stuffed to the gills!"

"Now you sound like Ryuujou-san," I laughed nervously, "...I'm not a great one at cooking, but next time I'll make you something that tastes better than this."

"You'll get there," she assured me, "And I'll look forward to it!"

"Yeah," I replied. I couldn't describe how light my heart felt just looking at her, completely safe and sound, sitting right there in front of me eating the porridge that I made for her.

I just wished to goodness that she could pass the rest of this painful day in peace.

And to tell the truth, I thought as Akagi was watching me with childlike gratefulness and my cheeks started to burn, I am not ready to have a long conversation with just the two of us yet.

I still couldn't come to grips with these feelings I had been having.

"So, uh..." I cleared my throat, "I think I'll catch up with Ryuujou-san. She's probably waiting for me outside. Please rest for today, Akagi-san."

However, Akagi's reaction was not exactly what I expected.

When I turned away to walk out of the room, I felt a tug on my back.

Akagi's hand was firmly holding onto my skirt. Her smile disappeared from her face and she dropped her gaze, looking more uneasy than ever.

I gave her a curious glance and wondered what was wrong.

"Akagi-san...?"

"Um..." she mumbled, "Kaga-san..."

"What's wrong...?" I asked her.

I was starting to get worried. Did she get hurt elsewhere...?

"...I...I don't think I can sleep alone tonight. I keep having bad dreams..." she said, still not looking at me, "...Would you please...stay...?"

My face went slack and my body couldn't move as I was trying to register her request.

Stay...? As in... the whole night...?

Without thinking this through I would have definitely refused.

But Akagi's voice was quivering, and she was not the type of person who could freely admit that she was losing her grip. She usually buried those emotions deep inside, putting her jovial, confident front to block all access to that certain side, thus making it impossible for anyone to get at it.

I wasn't good with sad people, but... Akagi needed this.

She finally admitted that she needed help.

I could not just turn her down and leave her to her nightmares.

If she'd like me to help, then I'd be only too glad to.

"...I'll stay."

Her eyes lit up and her smile returned when I said that, and as soon as I saw it I completely forgot why I even hesitated in the first place.


"So you're going to stay?"

Ryuujou had spoken even before I could open my mouth when I went outside to meet her.

Her guess startled me, but Ryuujou only asked me to confirm if it was true or not.

"How do you know?"

"Well, I don't think she's in a good enough state to be left alone," Ryuujou shrugged, "Someone needs to accompany her or that sister of hers would roll in her grave...if only she had a grave. And besides, you're pretty fussy about Akagi. I'm sure your worry wouldn't go away that easily."

Was I that obvious, I wonder?

"I'm sorry that I can't go back with you to the dorm."

That gave her the giggles for some reason.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"I'll forgive you if you can be honest to me about one thing..." she said with a smirk, "...Kaga, do you like Akagi?"

My eyes were probably as wide as saucers at that time, but I consoled myself and thought that it was just another one of her innocent questions. Or her attempt to get at a juicy gossip about Akagi and me. I decided to take it as the former.

"Of course I like her. What are you..."

"You know what I mean," she cut me off, "Do you have a crush on her...?"

Her tone was more serious now and it left me speechless for awhile.

"What are you getting at...?" I questioned her.

"Well, I don't have the gift for reading your body language or whatever, but you... The only person you ever talked about is Akagi, you devote a good deal of attention to her, you speak more and smile more when she is around, and that face you made when hugging her just now...? If all of these things you did came out of feelings of friendship, I'll eat my cap."

I had no idea how she could say all that with a straight face, but oh God... couldn't she at least give me a warning? That totally caught me off guard.

"I... She's just..." I stumbled on my words, "You're wrong."

"Oh, so you don't have any feelings for her?"

The word "no" was at the tip of my tongue at that moment, but it failed to leave my mouth.

I couldn't say that word.

I couldn't deny her outright.

Why...? Why...? Akagi and I are just friends, and I don't want it any other way.

...then why couldn't I tell Ryuujou that?

She only stared at me with an expression that clearly meant, "I thought so."

I felt a little angry with myself. If she was trying to goad me into answering that question, I would not play this game with her.

"Even if I do, there is no point of it at all," I said to her, "Fleet girls are never supposed to have romantic feelings for each other."

"Don't tell me you believe the Navy's nonsense that fleet girls have a tendency to confuse their platonic bonds of friendship for romantic affection," Ryuujou remarked.

"It's..."

I wanted to say that I agreed with them, but then I contemplated the possibility that these feelings I had been having were artificially made, designed to ensure a solid, efficient connection and teamwork with the first converted carrier. My breath caught in my throat.

I found myself hating that idea. It sickened me.

I didn't know what else to say to Ryuujou. I never gave all of these things much thought before, although for some fleet girls, these could be everything for them. Sometimes I heard them talking about this with a solemn expression on their faces, but I was never interested enough to get it on their discussion. It surprised me that this really bugged me now.

However, we had always known that the Navy was also still learning about the fleet girls, and there were still many things that they could not understand about us. I suppose that's what you get from playing God.

Do those girls start having a grievance against the Navy after being told that their feelings are invalid?

Do they start thinking about this after they start sensing something deeper, something new and foreign when they look into the eyes of their loved ones?

Are these feelings I've been having when Akagi is next to me... that same kind of feelings...?

"...Hey, Kaga..." Ryuujou said after a moment of silence, "You don't want to believe them, do you?"

I shook my head almost immediately.

I never cared about this before... but right now, I simply couldn't accept the Navy's statement as the truth.

"That's much better," a goofy grin appeared on her face, "I'm rooting for ya!"

"There is still no point," I insisted, "Akagi-san...doesn't think of it like that at all. Having a strong attachment to someone would give us a weakness, a disadvantage. It doesn't have any benefit whatsoever in a war."

"That is if you think of it in that way," Ryuujou said, "But for me, I'm always glad if I have another reason to survive and go home."

I gawked at her. Back when my mind was considering about refusing the orders of the Navy in my first war, I remembered Akagi. All I wanted at that time was to live. To live and go back to her. I didn't even care how many I should kill. It was twisted. Even if these feelings were not deliberately conjured up by the Navy, it was indeed powerful.

Powerful and meaningless.

"Akagi...probably has feelings for you too," Ryuujou said.

"And you want me to gamble on it? Fat chance of that happening," I huffed.

"Don't give me that. You have a lot going for you. Who knows if that gamble pays off? You might be able to see Akagi nak-"

"Whoa, stop right there! !"

Ryuujou chortled loudly while holding her stomach.

"To be honest, I said all those just so I can find something to tease you with," she smirked.

So that's her game. I knew it. I'm so going to get back at her for this.

However, her voice sounded sincere when she encouraged me, "I don't think you should give up that quickly, Kaga..."

I looked away from her.

Ryuujou would not understand.

There was no hope for me to begin with.

Akagi had been hurt so much in the past that she'd rather die as a ship than live as a fleet girl.

She didn't want to have feelings.

Not for me, not for anyone.

Because she was desperately protecting that last piece of her heart from being utterly destroyed like the rest.


My head was still spinning when I gingerly walked back to Akagi's room.

Perhaps I grew to adore Akagi without fully realizing it, but I knew that I shouldn't be feeling these things.

It wouldn't do any good for Akagi, who needed support from a friend now more than ever.

Not from a girl who got confused if she wanted to hug her out of sympathy or longing for her touch.

Man, you're so dirty, Kaga. Now you've really gone and done it. Why did you even agree to do this?

And it was even worse because although Akagi acted like she was okay, her body wasn't exactly in any shape to do everything herself.

When I arrived back in her room, she was in the middle of checking her hands and shoulders.

"How are they...?" I asked.

"Painful..." she said, waving her arms around, "I can't move them much."

"Akagi-san," I sighed, "Please... don't forget that you can still get injuries from overworking your body."

There was a ghost of a smile on her face as I rolled up her sleeve and examined her right shoulder. It was warm and a bit swollen.

"It's okay," she told me, although she winced when I touched it, "I've had worse before, it's..."

"Before...?" I exclaimed, "Akagi-san..."

"I know, I'm sorry," she quickly said.

"Sorry won't cut it," I dismissed her apology, "...Our blood... It's red, isn't it? We're half-human, Akagi-san, and the Navy still cannot figure out how exactly our biology works. If you keep carelessly pushing your body like this, there will come a time when they cannot figure out how to fix the damages that you inflict on your own body. You might not be able to launch an aircraft anymore."

I didn't know why I scolded her like that. I just couldn't watch her torturing her own body like this until she couldn't go on anymore.

Because my dream... my dream was...

"...Kaga-san..." she suddenly spoke, "...Do you think that...I'm more of a ship...or more of a human...?"

My eyes were fixed on her hand as I softly massaged her knuckles.

"What kind of question is that?" I replied, "You're a fleet girl, Akagi-san. You're neither of those things."

"Then what's the limit of it?" she asked me with a glum look on her face, "Why can't I just be a ship, or a human? Why do I have to live like this? Why do I have to live? Why do I..."

"Stop it," I interrupted her, "I don't want to hear those things from you."

I gnashed my teeth, feeling angry with myself. It was a really egotistic thing to say. I couldn't bear seeing Akagi losing her will to live. I couldn't let her self-doubt gnaw away at her confidence. Because... all this time... she had always been one of my biggest reasons to keep going with this imperfect body, keep believing in this path I was forced to walk with her.

"...Akagi-san...you cannot just give up and die. I know you are stronger than that," I said, "...Everyone in the base loves you. They are all waiting for your return. They are all waiting to see you launch your planes again. They don't want you to die, Akagi-san."

I remembered the fleet girls at the party mentioning Akagi's name with big smiles on their faces. They would miss Akagi when she was gone... and I could not let that happen. Both for them, and for myself.

She didn't make a sound for a while, and the ticking of the clock on the wall was the only thing I could hear for several seconds. I realized that the situation was getting rather awkward, so I let go of her hands and said to her, "You need to get yourself cleaned up, Akagi-san..."

As I bent down to help her stand, I heard her whispering to me.

"...What about Kaga-san...?"

Our faces were so close and she was looking at me with the most serious expression I had ever seen. That completely took my breath away.

"What...what about me...?" I stammered.

"Does Kaga-san... love me too...?"

I thought my heart just stopped beating right then and there.

"I don't think you should give up that quickly, Kaga..."

No.

Kaga, no.

Stop hoping.

She doesn't mean it in that way.

She will never mean it in that way.

Your selfishness is not what she needs right now.

I opened my mouth and my voice came out like sharp thorns that prickled my tongue.

"Yes, I love you, Akagi-san," I answered her with the most neutral tone I could muster, "I'd be glad if I could see you launch your planes again."

Akagi rested her head on my shoulder and said nothing else, as those depressing, empty words echoed inside my mind.

I love you.

I love you, Akagi-san.

I love you.

It's amazing how three words can mean so much... and yet so little.