Chapter 9: Incognizant
A few days after Akagi and I shared our first kiss, I heard through the grapevine that an official announcement had come out to put Akagi on reserve next year, preparing her to undergo an extensive modernization like me. The project for her reconstruction was ready to get off the ground.
If you think that I took this news with great joy, you couldn't be more wrong.
Akagi being put on reserve meant that she would have more free time to visit me, and that couldn't be good.
After that kiss, things had been slightly awkward between us, and I grew away from her.
I didn't understand why I felt this way. It shouldn't mean anything.
But here I am, hanging around in the town bakery with Ryuujou to buy some bread while it was going cheap, just so I could grasp a chance to talk to her without being interrupted by a fleet girl. Ever since I was put out of service, Ryuujou and Houshou were temporarily placed in the 1st Carrier Division, with Ryuujou as the flagship. She got rather busy with training after that, so it was a bit hard to have a private time with her. Moreover, I didn't know how to bring up my problem with her when all she talked about was the birth of our third standard carrier, Souryuu.
"So I'm just thinking that we should get up a party for her birthday."
"Well, I'm just thinking that you're getting way too fired up for this."
"Oh come on, you should be more excited about this! After all, she's going to be our first purpose built standard carrier, and they plan to make her the fastest carrier in the world!"
"I'm happy that more fleet carriers are joining us, really, but..."
"You should be more grateful that you have us other aircraft carriers! Like me, for example, the (temporary) flagship of the 1st Carrier Division! You shouldn't take it for granted that I'll always be around."
"...Has anybody told you that you're suffering from delusions of grandeur?"
"Or maybe you're looking for a girlfriend! She's totally up for grabs. She's not bad either, if you grade girlfriends according to the size of their..."
"Ssh! You're too loud!"
"Oops, sorry."
"You know what? You're grating on my nerves. And if you're that loud, these people might find out we're fleet girls. Lower your voice."
"I forgot. Because you're sooo into Akagi, of course you're not interested in other girls."
I looked around us nervously. The bakery was too crowded to discuss a sensitive topic like this. I whispered to Ryuujou, "I need to talk. Can we go somewhere after this?"
She blinked a few times, but I knew her curiosity wouldn't let her refuse. "Alright, but you know my help wouldn't be given gratis."
So we ended up in an old coffee shop next to the bakery. There were only a few people there, most of them with graying hair. The shop was quiet and peaceful, decorated with flowers and greenery here and there. It was the perfect place to talk, if Ryuujou could keep her voice down. Ryuujou bought a cup of black coffee for herself, but my throat was too dry to drink. After all, this would be the first time I admitted what happened to anyone else.
"Can I start now...?"
"Yeah sure, go ahead," Ryuujou answered, calmly taking a sip from her cup.
I decided to get straight to the point.
"I kissed Akagi-san."
It was a miracle she didn't vomit on the spot because that caused her to choke so dramatically that some people were starting to look at us funny.
"You did what! ?" she blurted out, coffee staining her whole chin.
"Ew, gross, wipe your mouth."
"Holy cow! What the hell? When did this happen? Did I miss something? Or did you skip some steps and directly jump to kissing? Or did something else happen and I never heard of it? What the heck is going on? ?" she threw up her hands in frustration.
"Well, you were busy being the flagship of the 1st Carrier Division so..."
"It's not like I never train with the 2nd Carrier Division, ya know! And that damn girlfriend of yours never shows anything on her face!"
"It probably doesn't mean anything to her."
Ryuujou stared at me in silence for a while, dabbing her chin with a napkin. "So...? You're not having me on, are you? Why do you want to talk about this with me?"
"I'm aware that you're horrible at keeping secrets, but I don't know who else I can talk to," I told her honestly, "Ever since then I couldn't look at her straight in the eye. I felt dirty, because somehow, I couldn't think of the kiss as just...a kiss."
"Just...?"
"It happened in the heat of the moment, okay? I just figured it could help with her emotional healing, because words didn't seem to have any effect on her. But then I'm starting to have these weird thoughts... and I can't stop thinking about the kiss... It's driving me crazy."
"Oookay," Ryuujou drawled, "What kind of thoughts?"
"I just feel..." I paused, not really knowing how to explain, "...like I'm lacking something. Like I want more. Like I'm...I'm greedy for more. I can't just take it as...a kind gesture or an offer of help like I originally intended. I don't know what's going on in my head..."
"...Geez, you know what a kiss on the lips can mean to humans, right?"
"It can have romantic implications, yes, yes, I know. But it's not what I..."
"But you can't help but take it that way. While Akagi probably doesn't and is wondering why you're avoiding her again. You dumb lovebirds never cease to amaze me."
"Just shut up and help me out, okay?" I sighed, burying my face in my hands.
"We can start from getting rid of your denial that you're having a huge crush on Akagi," Ryuujou said matter-of-factly, "Because honestly? You sound like you're utterly, utterly lovesick."
I gazed at her, then at the ceiling, then at my hands on the table.
I exhaled in defeat and admitted, "Yes, I have a huge crush on Akagi-san."
Ryuujou went on with skipping a beat. "Alright. Next step, go see Akagi and talk."
"Easy for you to say!"
"It'll be better if you just confess, but you're so lame I can't imagine you do it anytime soon."
"Why would I confess?" I asked, "This.. non-platonic relationship between fleet girls goes against all logic and it's just one of those pleasures they can have to temporarily boost morale, like parties and eating sweets. And even that can only happen if the so-called relationship is successful. The risk of it failing and destroying a fleet girl's performance in battle is simply too high. And don't get me started on how the Navy's treating it. It's pretty much still a gray area."
Ryuujou didn't speak for a long while.
"You know what? You're starting to speak like the Navy," she remarked, "When talking about the emotional needs of the fleet girls, it's always about morale this, and morale that. The purpose of the grievance procedure? Morale. Allowing us to meet our sister ships during construction? Morale. Building graves for fallen fleet girls? Morale. They don't do those things to honor us or anything, it's all about war and morale."
"Well, what do you expect? You want them to treat us like humans? To stop grinding us down? To give us health and safety regulations? They have no obligation to do any of those. The only reason they don't make us go through typical military drills and rules is because they merely think of us as weapons. All they're required to do is treat us well enough for us to function. You're already on dangerous grounds by criticizing them. We might not go along with their views, but there's nothing we can do about that. Their wars are all grist for our mills, they are the whole purpose we exist!"
"I don't know. Maybe it's because we're more similar to humans than you think," she said calmly, "Like how they're so afraid of things that they cannot understand. Just like you right now."
I glared at her with so much animosity that I couldn't come up with a proper reply.
She didn't look afraid as she continued drinking from her cup. We just sat there in complete silence for a few minutes before I emitted a deep breath in defeat, "...Alright...whatever...you win. I'm going to see Akagi-san."
"And do what?"
"No way in hell am I going to confess," I said to her, "I'll just...talk. And take a grip on myself."
"And that would solve your problem how?"
"Okay, okay, I do have a huge crush on her," I conceded, "But I have to respect her wishes, too. If there is a right place and time..."
"Sounds to me like you're running away."
"I'm not. I'm going to face this when the time is right," I told her, "She still has a lot of things going on in her head... This would just give her more burden to think about..."
Ryuujou regarded me carefully, as if she was trying to look for signs that I was lying.
However, it was not hard to hide my emotions from her.
It would take forever for Ryuujou to completely see through me, just like how it was for everyone else.
Except when it involved that single standard carrier... whom I could never seem to escape from.
Suddenly asking to meet her after being awkward with her all this time would definitely seem strange, so I tried arranging something for us beforehand.
Ryuujou's ridiculous plan for a grandiose dinner date didn't go down well with me, so I prompted for something simpler instead. I asked Akagi to accompany me watch a military parade downtown, and made a reservation at small two-floor restaurant where we could have a grandstand view of the parade. Sure, technically this meant I asked her out on a date, but come on... Akagi didn't see me in that way. I could disguise it as, uh...a friend's outing, maybe, but with just the two of us. Because there was no way I could convince my own brain that this was not a date.
I tried asking her if the day was good for her and she said yes.
So here I was, about two hours too early, waiting for her outside the dorms while shuffling my feet every few seconds. And that was after three hours of trying to pick out civilian clothes to wear and giving up because I could never seem to make the colors go together. It was dumb, I know, because Akagi was still away for her training at the moment.
Not a date... not a date... This is not a date... Stop being so nervous already... I quietly reminded my mind.
My stomach was churning and my legs were threatening to run back to my room, but I couldn't go back on my word. I wished that my head would just stop imagining unplanned scenarios that would never ever happen. But at least it would be awhile until Akagi got back so I still had time to sort out my-
"...ah, Kaga-san! You're early."
...Crap...she was home much earlier than expected.
She was still covered in sweat and was wiping some of them from her face with a towel. It seemed like she rushed back as soon as the training was finished.
And why the heck did she always have to look way too gorgeous for her own good...?
It was grossly unfair.
"Um..." I groped around for words to say, "I...I was just bored waiting in my room so...um.. H-how's practice?"
"It went well. We were praised by the admiral."
"Oh...good for you."
Akagi directed her gaze to the ground as she scratched her head. "I look like a mess..." she spoke with a very soft voice.
Oh, I absolutely could not agree to that.
"What are you talking about? You look fine."
"Fine" was actually an understatement. She didn't have to be perfectly groomed to look so damn attractive. I didn't know how all that sweat and wet hair just made her even more desirable, but it did.
"Really?" she gave me a shy smile, still looking unsure of herself.
The threatening heat in my chest was rising in a dangerously rapid pace.
God help me before she completely burns all my defenses to the ground.
Help actually came in the strangest way.
All of a sudden, I heard some loud footsteps and the next thing I knew, a girl called my name with an enthusiasm that could only possibly be rivaled by Ryuujou.
"Kaga-san...! !"
Without warning, I was tackled with a crushing hug that almost made me lose my balance and fall. My vision was immediately obscured by wavy dark gray hair, and this person was squeezing my chest so tightly that I could not breath.
"Kaga-san...! ! Long time no see!"
"...Ha...Haruna-san...?" I gasped out, while my sides were aching painfully.
"Yes...! Haruna's been looking for you, Kaga-san...!" said the voice around my neck.
"H-Haruna-san," I said, struggling with her body weight, "I can't..."
"Haruna... You're choking her."
The new voice came from Haruna's sister, my former fleet mate Kirishima. Her sharp eyes observed us closely with suspicion.
Feeling more embarrassed than ever, I threw a sideways glance at Akagi and realized that Kirishima wasn't the only one who was staring.
I didn't really know why, but I started to panic. Being stared at by Akagi while Haruna was hugging me so firmly that our chests were pressing against each other was one of the most uncomfortable things that I ever experienced.
However, once again I was saved by the most unlikely person.
"Hey...! Kaga...! Akagi...!"
This booming voice could only belong to one person, Haruna and Kirishima's eldest sister Kongou.
"How are you doing, Miss Aircraft Carrier? Flying any planes lately?"
"She can't do that! She's undergoing a reconstruction at the moment. Right, Kaga-san?" Haruna said cheerfully at me.
"Um...I..."
"Haruna, you should let her go. She can't speak to me if you're squeezing her like that!"
She did what Kongou said and I was finally free from her grasp. I adjusted my breathing and my eyes once again flew to Akagi. She was not looking at me anymore.
Once Haruna had released me, I could finally see all the newcomers properly. They were all wearing coats and civilian clothes, clearly on their way for a fun time in the city. There was one short-haired brunette that I never met before, and I assumed it was the other Kongou-class ship that the others sometimes mentioned.
"So you're Kaga-san! Wow, I've heard so much about you. Nice to meet you! I'm Hiei."
Her unconventional way of introducing herself made me raise an eyebrow.
"Hiei-onee-sama's not serving in the military right now. These days she mainly does work for the Emperor," Kirishima explained, "And she won't stop moaning and groaning about it."
"But I want to sortie with you guys too!" Hiei whined.
"Relax, you've just been refitted. Those treaties mean nothing now, so you'll get back to battle someday, God willing."
"That might take forever since they planned to reconstruct us all. Like Haruna! I want to be a fast battleship like Haruna!"
"Fast battleship?" I said with a questioning look, and Haruna's smile grew wider.
"Yes, Haruna's just been reconstructed into a fast battleship!" she replied, "It's a part of our preparation to become proper escorts of aircraft carriers. Haruna can't wait to sortie with you, Kaga-san...!"
"How nice..." I said, remembering Ryuujou mentioning that there was a rumor going around about these "fast battleship escorts", "Um...so why are you guys here?"
"Oh, we're just passing by. It's been awhile since the four of us hung out together, so we planned to eat out and watch that parade downtown."
"What a coincidence. Actually, Akagi and I are going to watch that parade too."
Haruna seemed excited to hear that. "That's wonderful! Hey, what about we all go out together? It'll be fun! The more the merrier, right?"
I had mixed feelings about this, but they looked so hopeful that I felt bad to refuse.
I opened my mouth to agree with them when I felt a tug on my arm.
Nothing could prepare me for what happened next though.
In spite of Haruna's hug just now, this completely took the cake for the most shocking thing to happen to me that day.
Akagi circled her arm around mine and clung to me while flashing one of the brightest smiles that I had seen at the Kongou sisters.
"I'm sorry...but we've already made plans to go out today, just the two of us," she told them, "We cannot go with you right now, so what if we just meet up after the parade...?"
It took me several seconds to digest that sentence.
All the Kongou sisters had a surprised expression at first, but the look on Kirishima's face gradually changed into realization.
She intentionally looked directly at my eyes, as if demanding an explanation.
"Well, yes, if you want to?" Hiei answered, looking just as confused as her elder sister.
"That's settled then," Akagi chirped, tightening her grip around my arm, "Let's go, Kaga-san."
"Huh? Yeah- whoa...!"
Before I could say goodbye to them, Akagi had yanked me into the dorms by the hand, leaving the four perplexed sisters behind.
She was walking so fast that I had a hard time keeping up with her, and there was nothing but silence between us as we were going over to her room.
Anyone could've told that something was amiss, and that bewildered me.
"Akagi-san...?" I tried to start a conversation as she was opening the lock on her door, "I can just wait outsi-"
"I never knew that you get along with Haruna-san..." she interrupted without looking at me.
"Um," I muttered, not really knowing what to say to that, "We were roommates once."
"You never told me."
There was something in her tone that shut me up for a moment.
She continued to struggle with her key for several seconds before I stupidly spoke again.
"Akagi-san..." I said to her, "Are you..."
"I'm not angry."
"But that's not what I want to say."
"And I'm not jealous."
"That's not what I want to say, either."
She shot me a glare before pushing the door open and slammed it shut on my face.
What the heck was her problem...?
Did I just accidentally make everything worse?
I groaned and leaned my head against the wall.
Everything was going smoothly for a moment there and I thought this dinner would do some good, but now the situation was worse than anything that had gone before.
Did my conversation with the Kongou sisters have a hand in this somehow...?
I must have done something wrong.
