Chapter 10: A Thousand Pieces
After that short bout of obvious anger, within the next half hour Akagi was unexpectedly back to her happy self.
We rekindled our friendship and I caught up with her days, that usual stuff.
I wasn't a talkative person and she looked like she was having a great time, so I didn't have the courage to ask about what happened in front of the Kongou sisters.
Even so, after we got home, I mulled over it and could only arrive at one conclusion of her sudden hostility.
"Don't go round becoming too close to girls other than me."
Well, I was happy she at least thought I was such an irreplaceable friend that she acted that way.
The twin-tailed girl called Souryuu in front of me didn't seem to agree.
"And that's where you're wrong, Kaga-san."
Let's backtrack a little.
As the first ship in her class, Souryuu was allowed to meet a fleet girl of her kind because she didn't have a sister ship.
Someone else could've given her a guided tour around the carrier base and that was it, but since I had a lot of free time, the Navy made me promise to hang out with her for a bit. When the day arrived, I had completely forgotten about it, but I couldn't go back on my promise. The fleet carrier, who was wearing a green dougi and skirt, looked like a nervous wreck when she saw me for the first time. I didn't have any idea about what to do with her, but I remembered how Ryuujou would ask me questions all the time to keep the conversation going, so I tried to push Souryuu to do the same. It worked somehow, she started asking about how a carrier battle went and before long we were sitting in my room, chatting about whatever that came up in our minds.
Since she was mainly curious about the other standard carriers, obviously I had to talk about Akagi and myself. Then her questions got even deeper, like the relationship between us two, and I casually told her while pretending that everything was okay. I kept that part about the kiss and my feelings a secret though; it was still hard to talk it out like it was nothing. But this newly born carrier was apparently more knowledgable about relationships than me.
"Let me guess...you read a lot of those books humans call 'novels'," I said to her.
"No, but I read manga."
For some reason I felt that those were even worse than novels.
"So from her reaction, there's a good chance she actually likes you, Kaga-san."
"Yeah, she probably likes me, as a friend," I blurted, my face changing into a reddish hue.
"No, no, that's not what I mean."
"What else can it mean?"
"She likes you romantically."
"She's just jealous seeing me with a new friend."
"Have you ever asked her that?"
"No."
"Then how can you be so sure?"
"Listen, this conversation is going nowhere," I said wearily, pinching the bridge of my nose, "Just forget it. I'm not going to burden her with this nonsense."
"Burden her?"
"Have you heard that she's been going at her work like her life depends on it?"
"Um, yeah."
"She has no time for love or relationships."
"I still think you should ask her. She might need that."
I snorted. Souryuu is such an innocent girl. But maybe that is why I could open up quite easily with her.
"I can't force Akagi-san to just tell me everything she feels, it doesn't work that way with her," I explained, "I'm going to wait until she's comfortable to do it."
"I'm not sure if that's a good rule to go by. I think that's the beginning of, like, half of all needless romantic dramas."
I stared at her with my mouth open for a few seconds. "Our relationship is not romantic."
"But what if she wants it to be romantic, Kaga-san?"
"I wouldn't know that if she refuses to tell me," I said, folding my arms, "And I will never force her to do that. End of discussion."
"You sure have a strange bond with her."
"Wait until you get that partner they planned to give you in the Supplementation Program."
"Yeah, about that..." she muttered, her face falling.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm still not sure..." she fiddled with her fingers, "...I'm not sure if I can get along with her...what if she hates me...?"
Watching her tense expression reminded me of a certain young carrier, anxiously fixing her appearance in front of the mirror when she was about to meet the other standard carrier for the first time. It went much worse than she expected, and it destroyed her fragile heart. However, little by little, everything changed. They tried to become friends, deepened their relationship and helped each other in ways they never imagined.
Then things got weird between them...and they shared a kiss.
There was no going back now.
I must seem to be so deep in thought because Souryuu turned silent all of a sudden, as if waiting for me to respond.
"...Even if she does, you don't need to worry," I assured her with a calm voice, "You can't expect everyone to get along with you right away. But everything will turn out okay if you make the effort to get to know them better. Trust me."
She looked up at me and gave me a little smile.
"I'll try to get along with her."
"That's a good girl," I said, giving her a pat on the head.
"Despite what everyone says, Kaga-san, you're actually a kind and caring person, aren't you?"
"...I don't think I want to know what they're saying about me."
"Well, it's more like you look scary and a bit hard to approach. Maybe they just need to know you better," she explained, "Your reconstruction is almost finished, isn't it? When you go back to service, maybe you should talk more with everyone."
"I don't just go and talk with anyone unless necessary."
"Including with Akagi-san?"
I held my breath.
Souryuu was eyeing me curiously, and I knew she said that to test me, trying to find out how much I really cared.
I could just lie, couldn't I...?
I could just lie and Souryuu would stop having these assumptions about me.
I could just lie and nobody would need to know about these emotions that I tried so hard to forget.
But the depth of my feelings for her had definitely gone beyond all expectations.
"...No..." I finally sighed, "...She's an exception."
I wish I could just lie to myself that Akagi didn't mean anything to me.
The weeks went slowly by and I still couldn't talk much with Akagi.
I realized that I had this God-given talent of pretending that I was okay with that, so while everyone thought nothing was wrong with me, my insides were in shambles.
This was different from not being able to see her during her refit or during a war.
If this continued, then my relationship with Akagi was as good as finished.
I forced myself to do anything I could to get through the day, while Akagi's visits kept getting rarer and shorter.
Other fleet girl sometimes came and brought me stuff, but although Abukuma pointed out that I had been neglecting my personal grooming a little, nobody seemed to notice this problem that I had been having.
I went through my days like blank pages on a book, until I was good and ready to return to service.
With a single flight deck and a brand new set of planes, I was put in the 2nd Carrier Division.
Akagi was the first to congratulate me, and her smile pierced my heart unlike any other.
Even so, she seemed concerned when she looked at my new design.
"It's great that you have a single flight deck now, really, but..."
"But...?"
"I don't know... Your armor looks so thin... I'm not sure if it can protect you enough..."
"You mean like when I'm on fire...?"
"Especially when you're on fire."
Since it was her turn to undergo the extensive modernization, we were back to where we started, with me replacing her flagship position again.
Maybe I should really talk it out with her, but after that failed first attempt, I didn't really have the guts to do it.
It wasn't like Ryuujou would let me off that easily, but she had probably given up when she told me, "We're not going over the same ground, I don't want to be the middleman between you and Akagi" and then never brought it up anymore. She was probably too absorbed in her training for the 4th Fleet war game maneuvers, and I didn't really care. She certainly enjoyed this 1st Carrier Division flagship status.
Things continued as usual until the news of a horrible disaster suddenly struck the whole base like lightning.
During the Combined Fleet game maneuvers, the 4th Fleet were caught up in a large typhoon that wrecked the carriers, cruisers, and over a dozen destroyers.
An emergency call was ensued near dawn, and the bases erupted into a state of panic.
Heavily damaged fleet girls were hauled to the docks, and there were so many of them that multiple bases had to be used.
Both Houshou and Ryuujou were badly injured, so the Admiral called Akagi and I to help out with detailed accounts, documentation and damage reports. We spent hours around the docks, gathering information from the fleet girls who participated in the maneuver. Everything we got in the middle of that chaos went down in our notebooks.
"...Houshou, Ryuujou, Myoukou, Mogami, Mikuma. Anyone I missed?"
"Kaga-san, how many destroyers were damaged?"
"Thirteen from my last count. Hatsuyuki, Shirayuki, Murakumo, Mutsuki, Oboro, Akebono..."
"Nobody sank?"
"Hopefully. No reports of sunk ships yet."
"What about the ones that got lost in the typhoon?"
"There're still a good few fleet girls they haven't found."
"Akagi-san! Kaga-san! I saw another group arriving with a damaged ship!"
"We'll be there in half a minute! Please tell them to assess the damages!"
We kept working like this until late at night. By the time I could visit my friends properly in the docks, the sun was almost rising. Houshou and Ryuujou were still in the carrier docks when Akagi and I went in, although Ryuujou was fast asleep and Houshou was apparently watching her as she was docking herself, so that Ryuujou didn't accidentally drown.
"Houshou-san! !"
Houshou looked up to me and smiled as I kneeled down in front of her docking space. "Houshou-san, are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. It was just an accident."
"I don't exactly call an 80 km/hour storm as 'just an accident'," said another voice from the dock space behind her.
It was a girl with black, short hair that I didn't recognize. She spoke in a rather carefree tone, and she was folding her arms on the floor as she gave me an interested glance. Upon seeing me staring at her, she raised her hand and said, "Oh, we haven't met before, have we? The name's Mogami, 1st ship of the Mogami-class heavy cruisers, of the 7th Cruiser Division. Sorry to intrude, we just need to borrow your docks for a bit, since ours are packed."
"Mogamin, you should be more polite to our hosts," said a girl next to her with twin tails that were tied with a pair of red ribbons. They had similar hair color, but completely different demeanors.
"Oh and this is Kumarinko, 2nd ship of the Mogami-class heavy cruisers, also of the 7th Cruiser Division," Mogami introduced.
"Uh, Kumarinko..?" Akagi asked.
"It's Mikuma," Houshou corrected her.
"But the name Kumarinko suits her better," Mogami added.
Mikuma didn't seem to mind, she just asked us our names and we continued to talk about the storm. Mogami went on to relate us her story.
"Our fleet were just steering southerly when the news of this typhoon suddenly came. It was so fast and wide that we had no choice but to ride it out. The destroyers were terrified. I was pretty scared myself, but I tried to take this like a grown woman. Houshou and Ryuujou tried their best to calm everyone down, and we reduced our speed until we were face to face with the typhoon. There were screams everywhere, the formation was blown apart, and I think my hand and foot snapped. I was unconscious after that, and then I woke up here," Mogami recalled, "I thought I was dead."
"At least you didn't crash into anyone this time, Mogamin."
"Hey...! It still was a pretty scary one. They said it was a miracle that none of those destroyers sank," Mogami argued, "But hey, I'm grateful that I can get back. I have a girlfriend waiting for me back home anyway. She's probably worried about me right now."
I blinked. "A..."
"A girlfriend...?" Akagi blurted.
"It's not serious. She'll regret it sooner or later," Mikuma remarked.
"It is! She's my true love, you know?"
"You two were friends just a moment ago."
"That's exactly the point! I was risking everything in our friendship to confess to her," Mogami declared, "And she accepted me! Man, I was so nervous back then, perhaps even more nervous than when I was almost caught in the storm!"
"Please don't compare that to such a dangerous situation..."
"You don't know about it, Kumarinko! Confessing that I like her would just change everything in our relationship. She might refuse me, or think I'm creepy, or avoid me outright! And that would be the end of our friendship," she finished dramatically.
"Um..." Akagi piped in, "Why would that change...?"
"Because my feelings are not the kind of love between friends, but healthy, romantic, sexual love," Mogami explained to her, "It's the kind of love where I want to bring her to bed, strip her clothes, and..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, too much information," I halted her.
"You guys are so noisy..." came Ryuujou's sleepy voice, "Don't talk about such gross-out things in public, will ya?"
"Oh hey, Ryuujou, welcome back to planet earth."
"I still need more sleep. Save the crying and mourning for me for later, okay?"
"Nobody's doing that actually."
"Will you just shut up already, Kaga...?"
We continued to talk with the girls for a bit before saying goodbye to them and heading back to the dorm. After being awake for the whole day and night, I felt like I nearly collapsed from exhaustion. Akagi seemed to notice this and took me back to my room, asking me questions to keep me awake along the way.
I quickly washed my face and Akagi gave me my hand towel while saying with a soft tone, "Are you okay...?"
I nodded at her and answered, "Yeah, I guess. Thank you for everything, Akagi-san."
"Don't mention it. You've worked hard today."
"You too. I heard a faulty ship design played a part in all this. This incident would definitely cause your modernization to be delayed."
"I don't mind. They'd better fix that faulty design before continuing any reconstruction."
"You're right," I sighed. I just wanted to lie on bed and sleep for the rest of the day.
"You sure you don't need me around...?" she asked, standing gingerly beside me with a concerned expression on her face.
To tell the truth, despite all the stress, it was very refreshing for me to be able to work with her like this.
I finally had the chance to talk normally with Akagi, without the awkwardness that had been plaguing most of our conversations before. This hard work was actually godsend for me.
And it was enough reward for all this exhaustion.
A smile crossed my face as I opened the door for her, "It's okay. You have to go back and rest too, Akagi-san."
She didn't move and her gaze didn't leave my face for a while.
I was about to ask what was wrong when I realized that strange look in her eyes.
She hovered closer to me, her face turning every shade of red right in front of me, and my voice was caught in my throat.
At that moment I knew what was about to happen, and damn it, I just didn't have the power to think or refuse. My right hand was still on the door handle, but I immediately froze like a statue until I felt that familiar touch of her lips on mine.
Just like our first kiss, it was sweet and short and none of our other body parts touched.
But the aftertaste...it was more bitter than anything.
She drew back and opened her eyes, plainly still in shock of what she had done.
The silence that came afterward seemed like an eternity.
When my voice finally returned, it sounded like I hadn't used it for a long time.
"Why?" was all that I could say to her. My head was so light that I felt like flying.
Her voice came out in a stutter. "I-I don't know... My body moved on its own...I..."
"Don't do this to me," I growled at her and she twitched at my words.
"Kaga-san..."
"You have no idea... You have no idea about what I feel...about how much you've been messing with my head... And you just went and did that and..."
"I'm sorry. I-I just thought... I could do the same thing to you... Like you did to me back then..."
I quietly cursed myself.
Akagi clearly didn't mean any harm and she was acting in good faith.
But this was just...just too painful.
I couldn't accept her kissing me without any feelings for me whatsoever.
Why did it become like this? Why did I have to make everything so complicated? Why did I have to hurt her like this?
Maybe...
Maybe we should just stop being friends.
"Akagi-san..." I began, "...I love you."
I didn't even need to look at her to know how confused she was at that time.
"I love..."
"It's different," I interrupted her, "It's different from your love."
"I was risking everything in our friendship to confess to her."
I wasn't exactly a woman of good sense, and I was too worn out to curb my mouth. I faced her and spouted everything I could say to end our friendship right then and there, leaving no room for ambiguity.
"Confessing that I like her would just change everything in our relationship."
"It's the kind of love where I want to bring you to bed, strip off your clothes, and make love to you until you cannot speak anymore..." I asserted, "...It's the kind of love that fleet girls should not have...where I cannot see our kisses as anything but romantic or sexual. It's the kind of love where I cannot see you as just a friend..."
I could already see her taking a step back...
"Akagi-san..." I said without looking at her, "I love you."
"She might refuse me, or think I'm creepy, or avoid me outright..."
I stared at the floor, refusing to confront this sad reality.
I came to realize that the only response I received from her was her footsteps, echoing loudly in the hallway as she turned and ran away from me.
Leaving me alone in my empty room, as I clenched my fist and tears started to pool in my eyes.
As I tried to be strong... As I half-heartedly told myself that this was for the better.
As this black hollow she created in my mind slowly grew larger.
As the girl who held my heart threw it to the ground and shattered it into a thousand pieces.
"...And that would be the end of our friendship."
1934
IJN's third standard carrier, Souryuu was laid down. Under the 1931-32 Supplementation Program, the construction of two aircraft carriers was planned, which would later become Souryuu and Hiryuu. In contrast to Akagi and Kaga, which are conversions from other types of ships, Souryuu was built from the keel up as an aircraft carrier.
June 1935
Kaga returned to service and was assigned to the 2nd Carrier Division. Many of her major weaknesses were still not rectified, such as the direct incorporation of her fuel tanks, the enclosed structure of her hangar decks, poor fire-extinguishing systems, and little armor protection of her hangar and flight deck. These weaknesses would later contribute to her sinking.
September 1935
While participating in war game maneuvers, the 4th Fleet got caught in extremely foul weather, which would be known as The 4th Fleet Incident. Many of the ships suffered significant structural damage in the typhoon. Nearly all of the fleet's destroyers suffered damages to their superstructures or had their bows torn away, the cruisers developed serious cracks in their hulls, while Houshou and Ryuujou's flight decks and superstructure were ruined, with Ryuujou also having her hangar flooded. This incident would result in changes to IJN's warship design and construction in order to stabilize the ships by reducing weight above the waterline, and the cancellation of the electric welding hull seam practice which was suspected to cause the cracks in the cruisers.
November 1935
Akagi was put on reserve to begin her extensive modernization.
