CHAPTER THREE:
A/N: I'm so egotistical that it should be illegal….. But I'm too great for laws, oh well. Suffer!
Guest: And I love you random viewer! 3 (forever….And ever.)
Guest 2: I will take your ideas. And I promise to keep it as funny as possible without ruining the story.
When I woke up. Wait, let's back track. First, I was killed by a 'traitorous pineapple prince' and then become a ghost. I haunt my grave for some time, then got resurrected by some speedo wearing pineapples as an apology because I was an 'innocent casualty', and then I sit around in BHOHB for an shit load amount of unknown time, then I arrive in an unknown land, dressed like a lady from the 1400 hundreds with the long hair and everything (honestly wouldn't be surprised if I was even wearing bloomers) and come across a ginger samurai who makes it his mission to not only confuse me, but also flirt with me, then I'm teleported to some other unknown places, and faint. And then I just wake up?All that happens and I just wake up like it was all a forgotten dream. For some unknown reason, I am completely calm about this whole thing. Totally calm, like, Chuck Norris kind of calm you know?
"WHERE THE HELL AM I?" I tossed off the blankets, in a totally calm way, and slammed the door to the bedroom I was in open, also calmly. Nothing like announcing to your kidnappers that you're awake by making super loud noises, calmly, like a fish….of course. Cough cough, hey, I never said I was stupid. The kid we, er, I met last night in black was standing in front of the door with a bowl and bread on a tray. His armor, sword and flashy super dramatic trench coat happened to be missing from his slender body. Which revealed his, uh, slender body, I guess. I'm not jealous of his outfit at all. I don't want a big ass sword to swing around, nor an awesome coat that billows out behind me, making my moves more dramatic. Obviously I have never thought about this before… Onward.
"Oh, you're awake now." I got the feeling that he was more socially awkward than me, or maybe just a loner. Maybe.
"Yeah, how long was I dead?" His face turned stony, but he answered anyway.
"If you mean sleeping, twenty minutes." I startled. Only twenty minutes? Not like, twenty days? Where is the logic in that?! The protagonist always stays unconscious for hours upon hours! Not minutes! There is utterly no fun in a coma of twenty minutes. I don't even think you can call it a coma.. Well shit. Guess I'm not the main character of MY life. I forced myself, with difficulty, to calm down. Not like I needed to though, I was like, totally calm beforehand.
"Ok, and might I inquire as to my whereabouts?" I got an inquisitive look in return.
"Or maybe the time? The planet we're on? Who you are? How you can speak English? Where is this? When is this? And just to be safe, what is in that bowl you're holding?" I think I shocked him to death.
"Do you really not remember?" I tossed my hands into the air. It seems that death cured me of my shyness and timidness.
"The last memory I have before ending up here, is those damned pineapples. To clarify, I should be in heaven right now. Or hell, shangri la, whatever. I was dead. That is what I remember, not some freaky ass planet with monsters and ginger samurai." The tray slipped from his hands and almost fell to the floor. Before I knew what was going on, I had snached the tray with bowl and stew out of the air, without a single drop out falling out. It appears that in death I gained some mad skills.
"You-you died?"
"Yeah. June 1st, around 4 O'clock in the afternoon, in the year 2014. I choked on a-" I paused.
"Actually, that's not important. What is, is that I am here because a pine-, a mythical being told me I had a second chance at life." He shook his head of black hair. That's a rarity. Actual black hair, and his eyes are dark gray too, he looks Asian, but I can't really be sure.
"That's not possible. That would mean you were dead for 11 years. And there's no way you could possibly be here if you were dead beforehand. We're in a VRMMORPG called Sword Art Online." And that my followers, friends, fans, whichever you prefer, ~slaves~, is when I discovered where I was. My first reaction was to re-kill myself with laughter. Then when it started acquiring to me about how I was actually a ghost, and the whole pineapple thing. Needless to say, I stopped laughing. What? Were you expecting me to faint again? Well, no. I didn't. And then I started laughing again, most likely from all the stress finally smacking me in the ass.
"This isn't happening. I can't believe it." The kid in black, actually, his name is Kirito right?
"Hey, can you tell me what happened? Like why we're in a video game." He nodded. Poor guy, he was probably having a hard time by himself. Actually, his friends all died right? Poor kid.
"Yeah. It happened about two years ago, in 2022. This new game called SAO came out. It was developed by the scientist Akihiko Kayaba, a virtual reality video game. Oh" He gave me a once over.
"You died in 2014, so you wouldn't know how this works. We use this thing called Nerve gear." I held up my hands. Technology wasn't that far behind in my time actually. And the theory about an advanced form of the Oculus Rift was already around.
"Yeah, I can guess. It uses electronic pulses, that are shot straight to the brain and nervous system. There were some similar things around in my time, but they were just glasses that you put on your head. You were still aware of the world around you. But if you managed to fully immerse yourself in a game. Boy, that would send an overload of information to your brain, and your senses would fry. If they were able to bypass that one thing, then you would have to be in a coma like state while ingame. That and if the Nerve gear was forcibly removed, it would have the effect much like a metal spoon in a microwave. You would die from it." I glanced over at Kirito to see what his expression was, and almost snickered. He had a shocked look on, with a bit of awe mixed in. I might not be awesome at physical stuff, but I am unbeatable when it comes to trivia. The Oculus Rift was a very big thing when I was alive, so of course I learned a whole bunch about it. Plus I had no idea what to do as a career, so I sort of tried out everything, and I worked in a library.
"The creator, Akihiko Kayaba, decided to turn this into a death game. He deleted the logout button, so we're all stuck in here. If you die in game, you also die in life. There was 10,000 people when this game started. Now almost two years later, about 2,000 have either been killed, suicide, or been PKed." I leaned back on my forearms with a sigh. Depressing drama wasn't really my thing. I mean look at me, I died, but I was more upset about the speedo wearing pineapples ignoring me. I definitely have my priorities straight, if you ask me. But you didn't because that would be pointless. It's obvious that I'm perfect so… Sidetracked, blasted.
"So is there a way out?" He flopped down onto the bed with a frown.
"Yeah, we have to clear all 100 floors, and defeat the final boss in the Ruby Castle. We obviously still have a ways to go." I got the feeling he was trying to cheer me up.
"So if this is a video game, that means skills, and leveling up. Can you show me how?" My changing of the conversation made his face light up. Have you ever stared at the sun, and stared and stared? Then you couldn't see because your an idiot, and later go blind? Oh! If only you had listened to your parents! Anyway, Kirito's face kind of reminded me of the sun. It was, well, radiant. And somehow scary. I got the sinking suspicion that if I stayed with this kid, although the main character, I would be in a world of mental stress.
So Kirito spent teaching me the next few hours how to get to my menu, and so on. Now, if you're wondering 'What ever happened to having a nice life? Courtesy of the Pineapple kingdom? You will die in SAO, blah blah blah.' Well, they definitely didn't send me someplace all warm and fuzzy, and filled with big 'ol titties, but they did give me a big nice surprise here. My skills were on level 76, HP at 13,250, 200+ items, and special skill set Swashbuckler. In case you don't know what that means, it literally is defined as agile. Yay, I'm several levels behind the current top floor, with a decent HP, high critical strike point, Ok defence, no talents, and super high agility. But no strength. Its like they based my avatar after a bard or something. I have a few strong skills, but my overall performance, and average strikes were weak. This body was meant for one attack with a critical hit. So in a boss fight I'm dead. In a duel, I'm dead, in a battle with multiple attackers, I'm dead. Yay. Now lets not forget that my hair is long, like Asuna's. And every article of clothing in my inventory are feminine. But I didn't realize that tasty tidbit until after Kirito showed me how to change clothes.
"Why? Why? All my armor has skirts attached.." Kirito had been nice enough to take me to a lower floor, floor 47 to be exact, and teach me how to fight, and here we have been for the last few days. So, I had thought, 'ooh boy! I get to put on some armor!' And then I choose the first thing on my list. Angel's Armor is what it was called. So I put it on, and then looked at Kirito. Who was snickering. Loudly…. So I looked in the mirror and then came the screaming. Light brown leather boots, that went to my knees, tight (might I stress the tight) white pants made of unknown things, a white freaking MINI SKIRT over that, that wasn't tight though. Actually it was really uh, swirly I guess. A pale golden coloured chest plate over a white cotton shirt with sleeves not as tight as the pants, and a white pirate vest over that. Oh, not to mention, the same golden coloured armor pads or whatever, on my elbows, knees, and shoulders, and a scarf. Oh and my pirate vest had a hood to it. It like, totally went with my newly down turned, pale blue eyes, and pale blonde hair. Can you feel the murderous intent off of these words? My once brown hair, and green eyes had changed colour. And I looked like a girl. A girl! And Kirito just laughed through my misery. Curse him to sparkle lalaland and gay Beauty and the Beast. Wait, was it Beauty and the Beast, or Cinderella? I give up on life.
"Hey, I think that's enough for today. You seem more concerned with your-" I punched Kirito before he could finish that dreadful sentence. It was like this every day. Kirito would try teaching me some things, I would learn them, and then get totally sidetracked because a passerby would whistle at me, most likely to make fun, and I would try to kill them, or I would notice my skirt swirling around me as I fought, and I would go crazy and try to kill everything in sight. If you're wondering why I didn't just change, well, Angel's Armor was the least girly out of everything I owned, and Kirito wouldn't give me money to buy some new clothes.
"Shut up. I don't want to talk about it." Kirito shrugged his shoulders at me and grinned.
"Oh, Prince, I've been curious. Why do you go by that name?"
"mumble mumble Prince." He squinted at me.
"What, Prince?" I sighed.
"At least it fits me. I wearing this thing called Angel's Armor, have long hair and girly looks. Mine as well go by Prince. Its actually my last name though…" Kirito shook his head at me. Of course he did. For some unknown reason, Kirito had decided to 'adopt' me. Which according to him, meant that I had to stay at his house while he was out on jobs, and he would protect me from life. Screw that. Well, I guess its nice to have someone so worried about me. And just when I started believing we could be fantastic friends, Kirito dropped me off at the main town, saying that he had something to do.
"Listen Prince, I have a, a mission to complete so stay here. I'll be back tonight, okay?" I slouched on the chair I was on, and glared at him. How could he leave me? I'm almost as powerful as him, and he's been training me for the last four days. He was leaving me all alone in this weird world! How could he? I'm pouting. Shit, when did I turn into such a wimpy kid? Well, since Kirito left me here, I mine as well explore the city. I stuck my head around the door with an evil grin.
"Hey, innocent casualty. What are you doing here?" I turned, fully expecting Karl the Pineapple, but I got a fully grown man with green hair, and a yellow outfit.
"Who are you?" He pulled me out of my room, and held me up in the air. Seems I shrunk while dead, because my feet weren't touching the ground. He just frowned at me.
"So this is where you were sent. You know, I got demoted because of you." I wiggled out of his grasp.
"How on Earth is it my fault?" He huffed, and crossed his arms across his chest. He ignored my question, and started walking away.
"Come on, Theodore Valiant Prince. We'll talk over food." I glanced back at the door, before trailing behind him. We walked around the town for a little bit, silently. Saying nothing at all, although many people stopped me and kept asking me questions. Most of them were guys, but I don't really know what they wanted. Then around dusk, he finally stopped wondering and entered a small diner.
"Come on, punk." Now it was my turn to huff, but I listened to him anyway. He sat down at a table off in the corner, and waved over a NPC.
"Coffee, for the both of us." The waiter dude left, and Karl, I think its Karl, looked back at me.
"Listen kid, you weren't suppose to be here." Huh?
"We sent you to an alternative world, just like yours, but you vanished two years ago, because the life threads weren't stable over there. If you hadn't come here and integrated with this world, I wouldn't have be a low ranking soldier again." I rolled my eyes.
"I still fail to see how its my fault."
"Its your fault! You did something to the world we sent you, and then got here by unknown means! You're a danger to everything in all dimensions. If we had known ahead of time, we would have left you to die. We should have realized since you were a ghost." I dropped my head onto the table with a thud. The pineapple turned man was a moron. None of that was my fault, obviously. But Karl, and the other pineapples didn't seem to think that. Like I said, morons.
"So, what happens next?" The NPC waiter showed up with our coffees, and placed them on the table. Karl, ok, lets just pretend that this is Karl ok? Anyway, Karl picked up his cup and took a sip.
"Damn, doesn't taste anything close to the real thing. What happens next? Well, its not like we can drag you out of here. You used your own abilities to get here, and we can't kill you. You're not one our enemies. All the Pineapple kingdom can do is tell you that you're an asshole, and have me live with you until you die." That was the second time I ever sweatdropped. Only around pineapples it would seem.
"Alright then, so uh…." Man this turned awkward fast.
"Um, who are your enemies." Nice one Ted, nice. Definitely a good one. Wait am I being nervous for? Its not like I'm on a date with a girl, or Kirito. Eating with him is always so weird.
"The Grapefruits, and Papaya." Oh, good to know. Yup.I'm not laughing on the floor.
"What? T-the Gr-grapefruits and Pa-pa-papaya?" He nodded in complete seriousness, and I stopped laughing. It just wasn't funny it was so funny. If I dared to continue laughing, I would kill myself in a unkillable zone. Talent it doth not take. I stood and shook my head at him.
"That's great to know, but I have to head back. My babysitter would have a hissy fit if he found out I was gone." Karl tsked me, and drank the rest of his coffee.
"I'm coming with you." I didn't reply, just left. When I got back to the room, Kirito was still not back. I sat on our bed, er, that sounded bad. The rooms here are only one bed per room, and Kirito wanted to save some money, so he got us a room to share. We've been switching turns with the bed for the last four days. Tonight was my turn on the floor. Fooy.
"He's still not back yet…. I wonder what he's doing, a job. Humm, oh! We're on floor 47!" I stood up, and made a totum stance, while Karl jumped from his seat in surprise. Haha ha! This was in one of the first episodes. He helps a girl called Silica revive her pet, Pina. They should be going to get that flower thing tomorrow. Yay! I'm so smart!
"Hey, Prince, I'm back." I swiveled around to look at him. He looked kind of tired, and borderline upset about something. I stared at him as he sat down on the bed. Heh heh heh heh. I tossed myself at him, and rubbed my face in his chest.
"Oh Kirito! I was so lonely without you!" He chuckled and patted my head.
"You really look like a girl right now, Prince." I jumped away and growled. That faggot! I ignored him for the rest of the night, not like it mattered because he went straight to sleep. He didn't even notice Karl! Who I also ignored…
END OF CHAPTER THREE
If I do every chapter like this, I think someone might kill themselves.
