CHAPTER FOUR:
Nekolazy: Sup? Thanks for the reviews. It tickles me pink…
A/N: Oh, I apologize in advance for any slight OOCness. You see, the characters of SAO season 1 never really held any interst to me fo the most part. So I don't quite know their personalities inside and out.
I am the awesome, the unbeatable, the stupendous, and the invincible, Ted. I have come to thee now as a simple man, and a kind hearted soul in search of my manliness. If thine eyes have seen my desired masculinity, then I beg of thee to give it back. For thou see, I have turned into a girl. I did not realize this until only a few minutes before. But, if it helps thee to find my only chance at redemption, I will tell thee of my sorrow, and of my travels. And of what befell me... Because thou desirest to know of course.
I didn't realize my horrible dilemma for quite some time, so you'll have to bare with me for the moment. The beginning starts after I woke up to find my beloved Kirito missing in action. I immediately shrugged it off, and kicked Karl until he too had risen from the floor.
"Come now, Karl. I have things to ruin, stuff to steal, items to destroy." He merely rolled his eyes at me. Remember, he is a humanoid pineapple.
"Shut up Theodore." I in turn, kicked him again.
"I don't like that name."
"Okay, Theo." Kick, wince.
"Dori?" Kick.
"Dora?" Kick kick kick.
"Valiant? Val? Liant? Prince?" I kicked his head to the floor. Epic round house kick, much like that one guy did to the other guy in that anime with the naked giants, and large walls, and everyone keeps eating each other, or dying, not to mention they fly around in the sky like tasty birds. I think his name was Levi...
"Then what the hell do you want to be called?!" I kicked him again, and then placed my foot on his face.
"You may refer to my as, my beloved ruler, Supreme Awesomeness, Master, or Ted. I like Ted the most, but everyone likes to call me my Supremely Awesome Master Ted. You may choose one." I got another eye roll, and he got a kick to the belly.
"Alright Ted. So, why did you wake me up so early?" I shrugged at him, and then called up my menu.
"Its almost noon, oh darling pineapple."
"My name is not Pineapple. Its Bachlahqueenahfonddria, and I hail from central command." I glanced at him for a moment before looking back over to the map I pulled up. I was currently looking for Kirito, so I didn't hear Karl properly. He said his name was Bachlahqueenahfondria, but that can't be right.
"I wasn't listening, can you repeat that?"
"Bachlahqueenahfondria. Bach-lah-quee-nah-fond-dree-uh. Its a rare, and ancient name given to only those that promise success at birth." I am proud to say I took that like a man, and then risked my after life to nearly kill myself from laughter.
"Really?" He nodded, completely serious.
"It holds much power in it, but since you're not a member of the Kingdom, you can not use it." I held back my snort, and headed for the door.
"I found our destination, come on, Karl." He tossed a pillow at my head, and growled at me.
"Its Bah-"
"Yeah, yeah. I'll call you Bach, and you can call me Ted. Does that work for you?" He mumbled something, but otherwise agreed. And that folks, is how Second Pineapple with sunglasses and a speedo, turned Karl, turned Bachlahqueenahfondria, acquired the name Bach. And how most people became frightfully confused when he spoke to me. He calls me Ted, that's why. I would say it took us nearly an hour to walk to the bridge where Kirito was going to be. Between Karl-now-Bach wanting to stop to try every food, people continuously stopping me to ask rather personal things with Bach laughing in the background, and getting lost a few times, I have to say that we did pretty well. By the time we had arrived, Kirito was walking towards the red haired chick with a serious expression.
"Kirrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiittoooooooooo!" I ran past her, and seven guys that came out of nowhere, and launched myself at Kirito. Who, by the way, was so happy to see me that he didn't even move out of the way like he usually does. And I actually managed to knock him down. Hey, I know what you're thinking. 'Ooh Ted! He's totally like, launching himself at Kirito on a hourly basis! They're like, totally gay for eachother! (Fangirl squeal!)' And you are so wrong. No best friends relationship can be a best friends relationship without gayness involved. If you don't pretend to be homosexual for your bestie, you aren't the bestie. Also while we're on the subject, if you don't laugh as they fall down the stairs, you aren't their bestie. Anywho, where was I? Oh yeah.
So Kirito didn't sidestep me, which means he was too overjoyed to. But he did look a bit worried. He pulled me to his side, and leaned towards my ear. Ooh, this is getting good, need some popcorn?
"Prince, what are you doing here?" I went slack in the face. What? I whispered that thought, yeah, right back into his ear as well. Suggestive eyebrow wiggle.
"I left you in the room, its to dangerous for you to be out here alone. Especially when I can't be there to protect you. And I can't do that now, either." I fake pouted. So he couldn't protect me from some low ranking criminals? Even though I'm almost as powerful as him? Also, I don't need help, but what can I say. He likes playing the knight in shining armor. Or is it Prince Charming. No, I'm Prince Charming, and He's the knight. Yeah...
"I'm fine, we've been practicing my sword work for the last week! I've been aching to do something." He ignored my actually solid argument, and pushed me behind him.
"Go stand over with Silica. I'll talk with you later." I was about to complain, but the fat one interrupted me.
"Who's that? Your second girlfriend?" I turned to said fat one, and made a cutesie face at him. Like the ones you see those whores in T.V. shows make.
"Oh, I'm not the second. If anything, I'd be the first." Fat one blushed, and glanced over at the furious red head. It was then that my world slowly came crashing down... And that I noticed that Bach was gone.
"Ignore the girl, go after the swordsman!" I looked back at Silica to see if she was doing anything worthy of getting yelled at.
"Uh, but Silica isn't doing anything. If I were you, I would be more worried about me, not her." Redhead grunted, like an ostrich.
"I'm talking about you! Get out of the way or parish!" I narrowed my eyes at her, and ignored Kirito's arms which were holding me behind him. Oh some bitch was genna die. And painfully. By my favorite torture too. Its beautiful really. You take a person, bring them to a swamp with a large flat rock in the middle of it. Make them lay down on the rock, and place a heavy log on their belly, only their belly, and then feed them lots and lots of milk. When you drink lots of milk, and have a pressure on your stomach, it gives you diarrhea, which they can't hold in so they basically shit themselves for hours. Then, before the whole shitting themselves starts, you give them tons of little paper cuts all over their bodies, and then cover them from head to toe in honey. The point of this is; the smell of the sweet honey, and the rot of feces, attracts a very massive amount of insects. Which then literally feast upon the person's body, while laying eggs inside the paper cuts. The eggs, because of the temperature, hatch within a few days, and then eat the person from the inside. Now they don't die until after the seventh day or so, so imagine their suffering! I had an immense desire to do that to Red Head.
I narrowed my eyes at her, but didn't have any time to react. Kirito pushed me towards Silica, and braced himself. The seven bumbling idiots all charged at Kirito, their war cries were lame by the way, as in like, only one shouted DIE!, and the others just grunted, and started slashing at him. Kirito totally took it all like an unfeeling alien, and stared with a bored expression at Rosalia.
"We should do something to help him! He won't last long at this rate!" I glanced down at the girl next to me.
"Just watch his life bar." And then it jumped back up to its original level. Redhead gasped, and the idiot seven just stood there panting. Why are they panting you ask? They happen to be in a video game, and shouldn't be able to feel tired, right? Well, I have no bloody idea. Ask the creator, Ayabu or whatever. As you can see, I don't care all that much for names.
"What the hell you idiots! Kill him already!" See? She thinks they're idiots as well. Kirito only smiled. You know, that smile he gives me when I finally wake up after being pummeled to death by him, or that smile when he is almost annoyed with me.
"400 for every ten seconds, give or take. That's about the total damage the seven of you can inflict on me." Redhead growled, and Silica's eyes lit up. Its rather scary how well Kirito can control the females in this game. Like let's see, first Silica, Lizbeth, Asuna, Leafa or whatever, and finally, Shion. Cray cray people….
"I'm level 78. I've got 14,500 HP, my battle healing skill auto-regenerates 600 points every ten seconds." He paused to give her a slightly more intimidating glare.
"We could stand here all day, and you won't get anywhere." I sighed. Boring! Oh! I slipped into the circle around Kirito, and stood behind him. Which he, thank my broken body, didn't realize. He was far too caught up in his little I'm better speech. One of the guys, the one in a fuzzy yellow vest grunted. Seriously! What's with all the grunting? Are they animals as well as idiots?
"That's not possible!" Kirito's head turned to face him, which is when he noticed me, who got a scary narrowed eyes look. He sighed.
"Fine Prince." I grinned, and turned back to yellow animal idiot.
"Wanna bet? Seriously, if your numbers are high enough, you're invincible. MMOs that use leveling systems like that are unfair that way, its been like that for years 't you know anything?" I tossed my head back onto Kirito's shoulder.
"You can basically do anything in games like theses, as long as you stay away from players with an HP almost or equally as high as yours." I got a nod from my head rest.
"Correct. My client spent his entire fortune on this Warp crystal, and he'll get his money's worth. It's been set to the coordinates of the prison, and I'm sending all of you bastards there!" The seven idiots took a step away from us. Stupid. Kirito doesn't look scary per se, nor does he sound scary. Just sort of cocky. That cocky bastard, leaving me to deal with stupid pineapple men while he gets to check out the hot babes. In case you hadn't realised, this entire time I've been secretly eyeing the Redhead. You know what they say about curvy women with red hair. Yum yum. Rosalia, in a totally loserish way, pointed her weapon at Kirito.
"Well I'm green, and if you hurt me you'll go orange, an-" Kirito used a speed boost to get himself over to her in what seemed like a mere second, with is sword at her throat.
"I'm a solo player, got it?" Ooh! Now I'm starting to feeling some malice! Have I ever told you how much of a sicko I am? No? Well, I'm a major sicko.
"I don't care if I have to play as orange for a couple of days." The no longer sexy Redhead slowly dropped her staff to the ground, and I pulled out my weapon. That's right, I never told you what it was. Well, should I? Okay, fine. I carry a short sword with no cross handle, or hand guard. It resembles a hunting knife in that way, but its about two feet long, and made of a white bone material, with a vine crawling up the middle. Unlike most short swords of this design, its sharp on one side and not on both, like Roman swords, or women swords, and the handle is fitted to my palm. Nice right? Totally goes with my angelic appearance. I actually meant that without complimenting myself. As in I actually resemble a feminine war angel. Cross out the word feminine….
"So, I suggest you all come along willingly?" I smiled sweetly at the seven idiots, and waved a hand over at Kirito, who was tying up Rosalia's hands. I didn't know he was into bondage! I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and tackle him. We are so totally like, made for each other! I'm kidding. I'm not all that into kinky stuff. Six of the guys drop their weapons, but the last one kept looking from me to Silica. I lifted my blade until it was equal with his face.
"I will kill you before you could say your own name." He didn't listen and charged at me. I got into one of the stances Kirito showed me, and was about to slice the bastard in half, curse him to the nothingness of legos for not listening to me, but a tanned arm in yellow armor shot right by me, and punched the sucker in his sucker.
"When Princess says to put down the dangerous items, you put them down, got it?" The man gripped his face in pain, while the other six raced towards Kirito with terror written on theirs. I sighed, and glanced over at Silica.
"Hey there, haven't properly introduced myself. I'm Prin-" Two large hands placed themselves on my shoulders.
"This is Princess, and I'm Bach. Princess here, or Prince for short, is a friend of the kid in black. And I'm Prince's man." I couldn't even say anything, I was so pissed. And not the British kind.
"Oh, its nice to meet you. I'm Silica, I just met Kirito yesterday." Her breath hitched on his name, and Bach sweat dropped. I couldn't see him, but you could tell. I say this in complete annoyance. I could feel his sweat drop. Feel it. Like for real. Probably because he was now leaning his entire weight on me with both arms wrapped around my neck. I tugged at his large arms, but I couldn't even move the skin. Let's get the size scale down first, so life is easier on you. Kirito is about 5"7, and I was the same height. In life I was 5'11, sadly it seems I shrunk. Silica is roughly 5"1, so going by that, I would say that Asuna will be 5"5 or 5"6, Lizbeth will be 5"5, and Klein is 5"11, with the big black guy, no not the one from Huckleberry Finn, should be 6"3 or so. And Bach, who is leaning on me, is 6"2. So I'm short now, and he's no longer a pineapple I can boss around. Funny how life is to me, right?
"Get off me, Bach." I was ignore. Again. Silica smiled at us, and glanced over at Kirito, who was almost done.
"So, you're not together with Kirito then?" Huh? Bach placed his chin on my head. After spending all day with him, I came to the conclusion that its best to let him be. Mostly because I figured out that the game rules don't apply to him. So if he punches you, its like in real life. when fighting him, your abilities go down to how they would be in the real world. Or IRW, as they say. Or IRL. one of those.
"No, Prince isn't. Kirito is more like his trainer, or boss."
"Not boss." Silica smiled again, and clasped her hands behind her back.
"Oh, wait, you said his. Is Prince a boy?" I gasped in horror. If Bach's arms hadn't been squeezing what little life I had in my body, I would have eaten off her head and blamed it on a passing seagull. Like Nigel said you know; I poop on people, and blame it on the seagulls.
"Of course Prince is a boy."
"Man! I'm a fully grown man!" Kirito popped up out of nowhere, and quirked an eyebrow at me.
"You don't look a day over 16 though." I pouted and turned my head away from them. Bach giggled, giggle I say, and released me from the death choke. They then went about introducing themselves, and talking about random things, while I trailed silently behind them. This was not how my life was suppose to go. This was not how my afterlife was suppose to go. I wasn't suppose to look just like an innocent girl, I wasn't suppose to have a gentle high pitched voice, I wasn't suppose to be in a cartoon, but here I was. Well, enough moping. It never got anyone anywhere. I stayed silent though, all the way back to the hotel, where Kirito and Silica split off from us.
"I'll meet you back in the room later, alright?" Bach nodded, and dragged me into our room.
"Oh, that was fun. I have convinced both the humans that I am one of them." Ignored.
"And that I'm going to act as your protector, so Kirito can follow the road fate has given him." Definitely ignored.
"To most people it will seem like we're a couple…." Ignor- Error. Error. Backup mode engaged, murderous intent unlocked. Searching for target. Target acquired. Engaging battle mode. Mission: Kill target with no sympathy. Mission status: Target annilated. Despose of evidance. Evidance burned. Status: mission complete. Battle mode disabled, murderous intent locked, error fixed. Shut down mode in commision. Shut down complete.
By the time Kirito got back to our room, I was sleeping innocently, completely unaware of the blood splattered across the walls, and intrails dangling from the rafters.
END OF CHAPTER FOUR.
I apologize for the hissy fit I had. You know how it is when you get nothing in way of viewers, and you just lose all motivation. But this story must be known! So I will try to update it every Friday or so. I will also supply you with unlimited excuses for why it will most likely not be updated every Friday, and I do hope you will find them humourous.
