A/N: So I apologize for the spelling mistakes in the last chapter. Usually there's a squiggly red line underneath them, to remind you that they are spelled wrong, but for some unknown reason it didn't do that. And because I don't have any desire for a proofreader, or beta reader, I didn't notice them until just now. As I am sure you noticed, they are all in the last paragraph, which is slightly odd. Oh, the red lines are only a part of that; I was also trying to get it done as fast as possible so I sort of rushed the story, which might account for some mistakes. One more thing, I was told by my little Chinese friend, who will most likely read this, that the story is confusing. I also apologize for that, but my brain works faster than my fingers, so I often leave things out, and I don't like stories that over do it, so I make them faster paced and more spontaneous. Do enjoy the rest.
NekoLazy: No, he's not a crossdresser. I just wanted to push his buttons by making everything he owns feminine. He doesn't really have a choice, and I thought it would be majorly entertaining if Ted, as an avid boobs lover who deeply appreciates womanly charm, be continuously mistaken for a girl. With the personality I gave him, it was bound to make things bubbly.
Chapter Five:
When I got up the next morning, yes these chapters seems to all start with me waking up. Don't ask why. But anyway, the first thing I noticed was Kirito sleeping. Well, actually it was all the red, and there was some pink thrown in as well, but then it was Kirito's sleeping face. Which was not next to mine, I know what you're thinking. Then I noticed Bach sitting at the small table drinking coffee. That's what must have woken me up. Coffee oh Coffee, where art thou my beloved strong aroma-ed dark brown mixture? In a cup, being devoured by an evil pineapple.
"Baaaach! I want some!" He glanced up at me, and for the first time, I noticed his eyes were yellowish coloured. Like a lemony lime sort of thing. That just shouts evil, I tell you.
"I am surprised that you woke up first." I crawled out of the bed, successfully stepping on Kirito's face, and zombie walked to the table.
"Now is not the time for chit chat man, deliver the goods." Bach looked at his cup, then back up at me.
"You're drooling. I didn't know that you were obsessed with coffee." My only thought then was the delectable smell in the air, so the drool stayed put.
"Bach. I do not know how to express my love for the liquid life that you hold. I have digested many coffees here, but none have the same feel to them as what you are holding in your hands. I beg of thee, please let me have some!" He shook his head.
"Please?" I moved my chair closer to his, and leaned in close.
"Please?" He still said no. I wept grotesquely on his shoulder.
"But the coffee, it, it calls to me!" I think he might be mad about last night, which I shall add, was not my fault. I was readying myself for a cup-o-war battle of coffee, but a groggy Kirito leaned against my chair.
"Is that what I think it is? Can I have some?" I chuckled at his childness.
"Don't bother Kirito. Bach is hates sharing." I flipped some of my hair over my shoulder, by the way, I have noticed that my hair is always perfect no matter what. I've only had it like this for roughly a week now, but you'd think I would have experienced at least hair getting in my mouth, or a rat's nest when I wake up, but no. It is pristeen. Like, I'm one of those girls you see in those sleeping pictures, where everything is perfection, and stuff. Or like some actress after she wakes up… Forget the fact that I named only female examples, I can't think of any guy with hair as long as mine. Anyway, to my utter surprise, Bach pulled a coffee pot out of nowhere, and poured Kirito a cup.
"Bach." He glanced over at me with a smirk.
"No matter what you do to me, the answer is no." I looked up at him with tears in my eyes.
"Fine! Be that way!" I stood from the chair, which flew into the side of the bed, and fled from the room like a dramatic princess running from a villain. Even my tears were being dramatic, they fell slowly from my face, and sparkled in the air as the dropped. That was the moment I was truly accepted into the female realm.
I wandered around a bunch of floors, not really paying attention to what I was doing, or where I was going, for at least half the day. It was around noon that I found myself wandering around a floor with grassy plains, and a lot of soldiers. Something about this seems familiar, hummm…
"Hey there! It's been awhile, hasn't it?" I turned slowly, and was met with a ginger samurai. Oh! This was when Kirito and Asuna let their hormones get in the way of more important things, like staying badass. Stupid relationships, they ruin everything.
"Oh yeah. You're the one that found me up in the mountains on floor 55. Where's the rest of your team?" Klein, was it Klein? Looked around us and shrugged.
"I guess they went ahead to the meeting. Is that what you're here for? Or are you with Kirito? He said you two were training together." I frowned.
"No, I'm here for the meeting." Lie. But he doesn't have to know that I'm completely lost. I was never good with directions anyway.
"I think Kirito is already here, but I didn't come with him." Klein grinned at me, and slipped an arm around my shoulders. Guys seems to be doing that a lot recently. Like at every chance, and Kirito always laughs for some reason. He says it's because they think I'm a girl, but that's just stupid. They should be able to tell I'm also a guy, it's obvious.
"So why don't we head to the meeting then?" I waved a hand at him.
"Lead the way." Klein turned away from me, and did this weird pose.
"This way." I sighed, and followed after him. The walk to the stupid cave, where ever that stupid cave was, took what felt like years, but was probably only ten minutes or so. I think the reason it felt like it took a millennium was because Klein didn't seem to know the term; silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Which basically means that if someone does not shut the hell up, which would be considered just as valuable as gold, you tape their mouth shut with duct tape. Which is silver, meaning it is almost as good as them being as quiet. I'm doing a terrible job of explaining this, but you get the idea. It was around the time that I had given up on this second life, and pulled out my sword to commit honourable suicide, when I saw the cave. I have never been happier in my life. Except that one time Anna walked into my apartment with nothing on but her lacy boy shorts and a skimpy tank top that was cut halfway down her midriff, and she was covered in paint as well, and she crawled right onto my bed to wake me up. Sadly the reason this happened was because she needed me to model for her painting because she couldn't do it herself. I did get paid for that though, and apparently it won two awards. She came to my grave and told me this, by the way.
"Klein! You're finally here!" It was the fat guy from Klein's group. The skinny tall one raised an eyebrow, and glanced at me.
"So did you finally get a girlfriend?" I looked around us, to see if there was a girl, but the only one even remotely close to us was Asuna. Who was looking at me. And now she's walking towards us…..
"Nah, this is the kid we picked up a week ago, remember?" Klein's possy all made 'ah' faces, and I glanced at the scary female who was basically sprinting at me now.
"Hey you."
"My name is Prince." She stopped right in front of me, and Klein jumped back in surprise. He chuckled nervously, and escaped over to his pals, while leaving me to face the scary lady.
"You, are you in a guild?" And that folks, is the fifth time I sweat drop. Or is it fourth? I can't keep track anymore.
"Am I in a guild?" She nodded. I sighed.
"N-no. I'm still a new player, so I haven't had the time to checkout any guilds. Besides, I am planning on staying a solo player." One of her rather thin eyebrows rose, and she placed a hand on her hip.
"New player? Come on, I can tell by just looking at you that you're a high ranked assassin type." I blinked a few times, and grinned at her.
"Nope. I'm not high ranked, just average, and I'm not an assassin type. I've only killed about three monsters throughout my entire time here." She looked surprised, but still disbelieving.
"You expect me to believe that? Well, anyway." Asuna leaned in close to me.
"I want you to join my guild." I couldn't help it. You can't blame me either, got it? She wasn't meaning to be cute, I think she wanted to intimidate me into agreeing, but it looked like she was pouting.
"I'm sorry, but there's no way I'm joining a guild with such a corrupted core. I mean, Heathcliff is impressive and all, and I'm sure there are some bonus' to being part of the biggest guild here, but it is so not happening. I would rather face a floor boss by myself." That's when I noticed how quiet the cave had gotten.
"What?" I shrugged my shoulders at her. I was actually a few inches taller than her, which helped, somewhat.
"I'm not interested." A hand grabbed my elbow, and I turned to see both Bach and Kirito.
"So this is where you went. We spent the entire morning looking for you." Kirito looked at everyone's dark expressions, then back at me.
"What's going on? I thought this was a meeting?" Everyone glanced between Asuna and Kirito, before slowly clustering around a round table to discuss things that should be interesting, but actually boring.
Everyone remained silent as Asuna told us the plot, which involved using the NPCs as bait, to which Kirito argued. Stating that they were also people, and that if we do something like that, it would be no better than killing other players. That went on for a while, most of which I slept through. You know how you sometimes fall asleep with your eyes open, and you just sort of lock all your limbs so you don't move? That's what I was doing out of sheer boredom. Strategies are nice and all, and I'm actually good at them, but everyone kept watching me, which was weird, and Kirito and Asuna arguing wasn't interesting in the slightest. I was awoken by Kirito tapping my shoulder.
"Hey, it's time to go. Bach disappeared a little while ago, so why don't we stay together?" He looked rather solemn, so I hugged him and rubbed my face into his chest.
"Oh Kirito~ I'm so happy that you understand my feelings~" I glanced up to see that my plan worked, and Kirito was grinning.
"What a sweet girl you are." I twitched. I will suffer for the sake of Kirito. I will suffer through this horrible thing. I will suffer….. Kirito's death was saved by a big black guy with no hair showing up.
"Hey, another spat?"
"Agil." I nodded at him, and he nodded back.
"Why are you and the commander always like that?" He put both his fists on his waist, and eyed us. Kirito just shrugged.
"I guess we don't see eye to eye." I rolled my eyes. While my eyes were rolling back down from the heavens, I saw the subject of the conversation staring at us. I frowned at her. If I could keep Asuna and Kirito from liking each other, then neither of them would end up being the lame lovesick brats that they turn into halfway through the first season. I zoned out what Agil and Kirito were talking about, and had a stare down with Asuna. She gave up after only a few minutes, and walked away. Brat. I glanced over at Kirito, who was buried under Agil's, his name was Agil right? I always remembered him as the only black guy/bar owner. No I'm not racist, just uh. American is the best way to describe it. Well anyway, while Kirito was buried under the black guy's shadow, I secretly followed after Asuna. I know that she knew that I knew that she knew I was following her, but I wasn't going to make this rather known fact known. No, I'll wait for her to do that. Fu fu fu fu. And now I feel like a stalker.
"What do you want?" She stopped walking and turned to me with a frown.
"Oh, uh, I was just, I want to- uh. No clue. I was just bored." She crossed her arms and tilted her head up in a very snobby way.
"Go away, I have important things to do, things that involve my 'corrupt guild.' So leave me alone." I sighed, and waved a hand around us.
"I'm lost." She stared at me silently, before placing a hand on her mouth to cover her snickering.
"What is wrong with you?" I huffed and walked closer.
"Nothing! I just don't do well with directions, or time, so I'm lost. If you could point me towards Kirito, I would greatly appreciate it."
"If you didn't want to be separated from him, then why did you leave? Besides, can't you just check your map?" I laughed off her question, my talent is avoiding things, and slung an arm around her shoulders. Asuna glanced down at my chest before looking at my arm.
"You have no boobs." Que choking on my laugh and falling to the dirt in pain.
"Of course I don't! I am a man! Male! Macho! Manful, manlike, manly, virile!" She stared down at me and shook her head.
"But you look so much like a girl, you have to be. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. You know," She crouched down in front of me with a small smile on her face. "I wanted you to join my guild because you're a girl. These not many in this game, so it's been kind of lonely." I roughly grabbed her face and growled.
"I am a man. Born and raised as one, man." I got a blank stare in return. Fine! I pulled her face towards mine, and planted a big sloppy kiss on her lips. I let go of her after a few seconds, and cackled evilly.
"Serves you right little girl. Mixing up my gender." Asuna put her fingers to her lips and stared at me with a slightly angry expression, but I just folded my arms over my chest.
"Would you like me to pull my pants down next? I will! I have no problem at all proving my masculinity to the world. I would strut around naked 24/7 if it stopped people from mistaking me for a girl. Unfortunately that means no protection from monsters and such. And Kirito would most likely smack me, or maybe kick me." Asuna turned her head away from me and stood up.
"I'll take you to Kirito, tell me where he is." I narrowed my eyes at her. Her voice had gotten awfully quiet and timid. I pulled up my menu, while she fiddling with the tips of her hair for a few minutes.
"He's on the 57th floor, near the right side. That's all I can tell you." She sighed, in a very irritated way, and moved to my side so she could see the map.
"This way." And with that, she turned and stalked away. Maybe I went a little too far with the kiss, just a little though. I know there's a bunch of girls, and even guys, who consider kissing to be super special, especially their first kiss. Maybe she was one of them.
"I'm sorry about the kiss, I just do stupid things sometimes." She stayed quiet as we walked, until we reached the portal. She sighed again, people seem to do that a lot in my life. Or afterlife, as I keep forgetting. We walked into said portal, which you know, happened to appear out of, golly gee, Nowhere! Then after we got off on the proper floor, we continued to walk in silence. She was sure taking her time to respond. Oh, yeah. I might have confused you there, with the getting off at the right floor, so I'll explain. Video games are like the only thing I'm good at so, bare with me. For these portals, unlike I had thought when watching the anime, don't just go to the floor directly above or below. They go to any unlocked floors. Silly of me right? Its just in several games I used to play, as in played while and after watching SAO, had that, so I guess I just sort of mixed them together. Anyway, Asuna finally spoke as we were closing in on the unsuspecting black clothed prey.
"It's ok. I was just hoping my first kiss would be a bit more sweet, or romantic." My shoulders slumped in slight guilt. Only slight. I don't really feel guilty because I got to be her first kiss. Tee hee.
"So it was your first time then. I was worried. If it helps," I paused and gulped. I know I just said something, but I was raised as a gentleman. "You didn't actually kiss me, so technically it wasn't your first kiss. You didn't do any kissing, so you don't have to consider it real." She placed a finger on her chin, with a thoughtful look.
"Oh, I see what you're saying. So if you were to kiss me and I kissed back, that would be my first kiss, whereas with just you pressing your lips to mine, that's either your kiss, or not a kiss at all." I twitched just a little bit with my perfect eyebrow. Have I sung praise to my perfect yet? No? Well, I happen to have, in the last week, to developed Mephobia. It's real you know. Comes from being so freaking perfect no matter what, even when I try to look awful. I liked my old baggy hand-me-down clothes, and ragged appearance. It fit my charming personality. My perfect body now doesn't. You look at me and think, 'Oh, what a sweet little thing. I bet she was raised to be an angel.' And then I will kill you painfully and slowly. My aunt, remember her? Lego ambassador? Well, she truly was an amazing woman. Who loved things that most people didn't and I quote "I hate popular things. There's no originality or uniqueness to it. It's overused, and over praised, and thus losses anything of value." So She wrote a book, recording tortures from all times and all cultures and had it published when she was 16. I was read that book instead of Winnie the Pooh. The point of this? I can make your death as painful, slow, or quick and easy as I like. I can also go gruesome, bloody, nails on chalkboard like, mental, or anything really.
You know how some kids get bullied? In fact it happens a lot, just most people don't realize. But I wasn't a normal kid. When Jeff Reaby and his sack suckers cornered me for the first time in elementary, I stood there with my cute little yellow hat, and told them in detail how I would drain them of their blood, and make it look like their parents did it. Then I mentally destroyed them till every single one ended up taking therapy. I was seven. Then later in high school, some kid tried to bully me, and Jeff literally came running up and begged him to stop, because he didn't want to see the monsters again. Then I sent that kid to a loony bin. Needless to say I am evil. And I revel in it. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Kirito….Kirito….Kirito…...Hum….Kirito…..There was something I was going to do with him. Humm…...Murder, murder, hum….Kirito, Asuna, and murder or something. I was rudely woken from my very theologiany thoughts by Asuna tapping my shoulder and pointing at a figure stretched out under a tree.
"He's right there." I glanced over at her, slightly bewildered. Why was she pointing at him again? I quite clearly forgot.
"That's nice. I am hungry. Later." What was that with the murderer again? Damn it all to hell's fire. I can't wrap my head around it. So I left poor Asuna there. Who by the way was extremely confused, and wondered off to discover the thoughts I had previously held in my brain. Maybe my real brain in reality was too far gone to complete the proper order of it's thinking process. And that my friends, is how I end this chapter, not with sleeping, but rather with wandering off into the forest, and coming across the biggest and baddest of all guilds, Laughing Coffin. Don't worry, I live. Maybe.
END OF CHAPTER FIVE.
