I know how awful tha' was, wha' I said t'her. And she jus' stood there an' took it, lookin' so sad. I know why that is, of course. She looked like m'ma, when pa'd shout an' rage at her, call her stupid, call her useless. An' it's me who made her look like tha' t'day. Me. Not Merle, not pa. Not her loser husband Ed. Me. I'd always promised meself the one thing I'd avoid is be tha' kind of man.
The kind who rages, hurls abuse at those he should protect, cherish. The kind tha' hits you, asks questions later. The kind tha' gets so drunk he forgets everything tha's decent, worth livin' for. The thought tha' it's me put tha' look on her face just now? It makes m'feel sick to m'stomach.
Like I need more help wi' that'. My stomach's been a burnin' knot o'agony all these las' few days. Every day I went out an' couldn' find Sophia it got a lil worse. Firs' I jus' feel it in th' evenin', a bit o' nausea at dinner. It got so tha' I'd jus' push m' food aroun' some, then, when the bile was burnin' at th' back of m'throat an' I couldn' swallow all of tha' saliva fast 'nough pas' th' lump in m'stomach, I'd give m'plate t'Lori an' Carl an' walk off quickly, away from th'smell of foof, an' I'd be all right, until th' next night.
Then th' secon' nigh' after I fell off th' horse I woke up at night wi' th' mos' intense pain in m'stomach I've ever had. I bolted from m'tent, sure I'd puke any secon', bu' nothin' happened. I paced back an' forth a bit, stop every few minutes cos th' gaggin' was so strong I was sure I'd be sick, but nothin' came up. The cramps only go' worse, and they seemed to be coming from m'gut as well as m'stomach. Then I felt tha' pressure y'get when y'really need th' bathroom, an' I thought maybe I caught a shittin' bug at long last.
Without going int' much detail, tha' part of th' night was awful, an' I was occupied wi' that misery for hours. But it did nothin' t'alleviate the gnawing in m'stomach. At daybreak I was so exhausted I jus' passed out leaning agains' a tree. I fel' like ass all next day, an' while I've not had a return o' those incredible pains in my stomach an' gut, 've felt nauseous since then.
Now 'm out in th' field 'gain, pacin'. Th' sick feelin' has been getting' worse ever since tha' lil body staggered out of th' barn, and 've swallowed back th' bile risin' in m' throat too many times t'count. It's makin' me more an' more exhausted, tryin' t'fight it, and I feel dizzy an' disoriented. There's nobody in sight, so I crouch down an' let m'head hang between m'knees, hopin' the world will stop spinnin' if I stop fo' a bit. It doesn', if anythin' it gets worse.
I can taste th' bile again, try an' spit some out, with all tha' saliva tha's collectin' in m'mouth. It's stringy and foul, an' I gag. I stagger back upright an' pace some more.
Why did they not tell us? Hershel, or Maggie, if her dad couldn'? An' why didn' we realize somethin' was off here? Me, or Shane, or Rick? Rick… he was so angry, when I snuck away an' nearly broke m'neck falling down tha' ravine. I've been a disappointment t'him, lyin', sneakin' 'way, an' not even findin' th' girl…
I so want him t'think well of me, be accepted, trusted, taken into th' group. I'd've scoffed at tha', before th' world turned t'shit, but now 'm not embarrassed. I know he's th' right one t'lead us. I trust him, an' I want him t'trust me, too. But I'm such a fucking failure, that's unlikely ever t'happen, an' that thought makes m' feel worse'n ever.
I stop under a tree, savor th' shade. He's never gonna trust me as he trusts Shane, an' whatever I do, tha's never gonna change. Tha' thought hits m' like a blow to th' stomach, an' I double up as suddenly th' pain's back. This time, I know 'm not getting' round th' pukin', I can feel that tell-tale vertiginous feelin' lurkin' jus' out of sight.
I dry heave a few times. Man, this sucks. 's as painful as pukin' for real an' tears are springin' t'm' eyes cos it hurts so much. I lean m'arm against th' tree, m'forehead on th' arm. My other hand presses down hard on m'stomach. I don' know why, but tha' pressure sometimes helps. Course, this time it doesn'. I feel th' acid risin' up in m'throat.
Sophia's dead. I didn' even know her, hardly know her mum. I hardly know any of 'em, an' they certainly don' know me. Why should I care? Why do I feel this awful 'bout not bein' able to save one of 'em? Them not seein' who I am? Rick not trustin' me? Rick…
The thought of th' disappointment, the exasperation on his face is what finally does it. I feel the pressure buildin' in m'throat an' just about manage t'lean to one side before it all comes up in a rush. I wouldn' have thought, ten seconds 'go, that I could feel any more miserable, be in more pain. Feel more disgusted with m'life. I was wrong.
Once I start it feels like 'm unable t'stop pukin'. 'm bent over fo' ages, gaggin', retchin'. Then it'd subside, an' I try an' straighten up, only for th' next wave o' nausea t'have me doubled over 'gain in a moment. 'm soon shakin', covered in sweat. M'head hurts so much 'm sure it'll burs'.
I still hold on t'th' tree fo' balance, but that's not enough fo' long an' 'm sure I'll pass out. I let m'self crash t'th' ground, half landin' in m'own sick. I can' see too well cos of the tears in m'eyes, an' I don' really care. I jus' want t'die. If a walker appeared from behind th'tree now I'd lie back an' he could have at me.
Course that doesn' happen. Why would life ever be tha' easy fo' me? Finally th' heavin' don' bring up nothin' but bile, an' soon that stops, too. M'stomach still hurts, but it's almos' bearable now, an' so is th' nausea. Or 'm jus' too exhausted t'care. I don' know any more.
I stagger back upright an' lean against th' tree t'get m'bearin'. I want nothin' more than lie down an' sleep. But I can' do that, not yet. Firs', I have t'move m'tent. Get away from them all as far as I can. Away from them eyes on me. From their disappointment.
I slowly make m'way back t'camp, feelin' defeated. But 'm used to this. 'm a failure an' will only ever be th' outcast.
