A/N: Thanks for all the support! For those of you that wondered why the story is titled Philophobia, hopefully between this chapter and the last you'll get an idea :) This story is supposed to be about Rusty and I've been neglecting him slightly, but he'll be back this chapter! Enjoy!

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I'm so embarrassed. Andy never should have seen me like that, I should have never let him come anywhere near me. He held me. He kissed my forehead. He did so many things I've wanted him to do but I told him so many times that we can't. Not while Rusty's life hangs in the balance.

He wouldn't let me drive home, we took my car so we don't have to drive in together tomorrow. I really hope he can explain the situation to Louie without giving him the wrong idea.

"Rusty?" I call, Andy cautiously following me into the condo, "Sweetie?"

"Yeah!" He calls from his room and I hear the door open, "Thank God you're home!"

"Lieutenant Flynn is here as well." I inform, waiting to hear him dragging his feet down the hallway.

"I... I'll leave you two alone then." He mumbles, "Goodnight guys."

"I need to talk to you before you turn in." I explain softy, walking over to the couch and sitting down, "I can ask Andy to leave if you'd like."

"No." He sighs, "It's fine." I hear Rusty start to make his way down the hall and I motion with my eyes for Andy to sit. He nods sadly as he does so, adjusting his tie.

"How're you feeling?" I ask when he enters the living room, rising from my spot on the couch to hug him tightly.

"Could be worse." He shrugs, his arms hesitantly wrapping around my waist, "So what's up?"

"Doctor Selig called me this afternoon." I smile as we both sit on the couch, "And there's a clinical trial that may reduce the tumor."

He looks at me for a moment before grabbing my hands and squeezing them tightly, "Really?"

"Mhm." I nod, trying to keep a new wave of tears from falling, "I asked him to sign you up."

"Thank you!" He breathes out relieved before leaning in and hugging me, "I love you Mom."

"I love you too Beckin." I grin, watching Andy who is smiling happily as well, "Your appointment is tomorrow afternoon, I'll be home from work in time to get you there, okay?"

"That's great." He smiles, releasing me from the hug, "I should get some rest then, I've been really tired."

"Goodnight Honey." I force a smile and kiss his temple before letting him walk off down the hallway.

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"He looks like he's doing okay." Andy breaks the silence, "He's a strong kid."

"He is." I nod, squeezing my eyes closed to keep from crying, "I'm proud of him, really proud."

"I'm sure you are." I watch as he gets up from his chair and walks towards me, "I should be getting home."

"Andy..." I look at him sadly, not sure what to do. I told him I couldn't do this, not now, but I want to so badly.

"Sharon..." He mimics, only with a smile, "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? My phone'll be on all night if you need me."

"Thank you, but that's really not necessary Andy." I stand up and walk towards him, meeting him in the middle of the living room, "I think I'll be okay."

"I don't believe you." He whispers, gently taking one of my hands, "Why is this so hard for you? To let me care?"

"Because my son is dying." I manage to say through clenched teeth, "And I can't try and do this with you while I'm trying to take care of him because I'll just end up ignoring you and I don't want to do that and-"

"Shh." He cuts me off, pulling me into his chest, "You need to breathe Sharon. You're overworked, you're worried, and you're stressed. Just take a moment and breathe."

Damn him. Again. He's right, I need to breathe, but I'm so worried that if I take that breath it could be Rusty's last. And I don't want that. I'd take his cancer if I could, but I can't. That makes it so much worse.

"You should go." I mumble as he clutches me tighter to his chest. I don't want him to, but I have to try and remain professional. Try.

"Not yet." He replies matter-of-factly, "Not until you fall asleep. I'll stay all night if I have to."

"Lieutenant-"

"I'm Andy right now and you're Sharon. I'm not giving up on you this easily."

"Please." If he keeps holding me like this I'll say something I shouldn't. I just want him to leave.

"Look at me." He asks, and when I don't he gently lifts my chin so he can see me, "I'll leave when you tell me you're okay and I believe it. That means eye contact."

"Andy," I lock my eyes with his, "I would like you to leave now."

"Sure." He shrugs sarcastically, "I don't believe you. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Andy." I try to argue but he releases me, walking to my bedroom and returning with some more throw pillows and a blanket, "Your back."

"It'll be fine." He tries, shrugging out of his jacket, "I'll be right here if you need me. I made you a promise and I'm following through with it."

"Goodnight Lieutenant." I smile awkwardly before going to my room.

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I'm at a funeral. I don't want to be here. Who's funeral is it anyway? There are so many people here that I know, hopefully it's not as fallen comrade. But then I see it: a picture of Rusty. No. I feel like my whole world is collapsing, this can't be true. I just saw him, just kissed him goodnight. So many memories flash through my mind, both the good and the bad. The beginning, when he would fight with me. When he would tease me about Andy, the adoption, his high school graduation, his diagnosis.

"We are here to celebrate and remember the life of Russel James Beck." Someone says but I can't find the source of the voice. I look around frantically, pushing through the crowd of people that seem to be getting closer and closer, "Rusty, like all of us, had his struggles. If he could have chosen, he would have chosen to still be here with us. But he couldn't choose-"

"Stop!" I yell, falling to my knees, the lush grass scratching my legs, "Don't talk about my son! He's still alive!"

"Sharon, Sharon wake up!" My eyes fly open and I involuntarily gasp as Andy shakes me awake, "Sharon, look at me."

"I'm fine." I say instead, refusing to look at him, "Go back to the couch."

"You're not fine Sharon." He starts rubbing circles on my shoulders, "It was just a bad dream."

"You think I don't know that?!" I ask, my voice clipped, "I know what it was but it doesn't make it seem any less real."

"What happened?" He asks, sitting down next to me on the bed and running a hand soothingly through my hair again, "Does that happen a lot?"

"It... Rusty's funeral... And... It was so real." I can't do this in front of him, not again.

"Rusty is asleep in his room, I promise. Do you want to go check on him?"

"Mhm." I nod, allowing Andy to gently pull me off of the bed and towards Rusty's room.

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"See, he's fine." Andy assures me as he quietly opens Rusty's bedroom door, both of us watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, "Now we need to get you back to bed. It's after midnight."

"I just want to watch him for a little." I whisper, gently pulling on Andy's hand to bring him back towards me, "You can go back to sleep if you'd like."

"I told you I wasn't going to sleep until you did. I'll just wait."

"You don't have to." The quite sound of Rusty's rhythmic breathing calms me a bit, "I'll be fine."

"You said that earlier too." He counters before releasing my hand and coming to stand behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Andy..." I don't have enough energy to argue with him, nor do I honestly want to. But now that I know I'm feeling these things, I'm finding it harder and harder to remain neutral.

"Shh." He whispers again, "Just let me hold you for a minute."

"I told you we can't." I argue as my hands involuntarily find his, "Not now, not while all of this is happening."

I loose almost all of my ability to think when I feel his soft lips against my shoulder, "Then we don't. But you need someone to hold you. You need someone to kiss you awake after a nightmare. Atleast let me do that, please."

I don't want him to, for Rusty's sake, but for my sake I want him to so badly. I lean back in his arms and I feel him rest his chin on top of my head, "I don't know if it's a good idea."

"Nobody was sure about bringing you in to head MCD either but that worked out pretty well, didn't it?"

I turn in his arms and bury my face in the crook of his neck, "It's not the same, not even close."

"Just work with me, will ya?" He asks teasingly, beginning to rub circles on my back, "I'm doing this in your best interest."

"I know you are." I pull out and offer him a watery smile, "Can you close his door? I would like to go to bed now."

"Sure thing, Sharon." He presses a kiss to the crown of my head before reaching forward and closing Rusty's door, "Goodnight."

"Actually..." I bite my bottom lip before looking back to him, "Could you lay with me? I know it's a weird question but I feel so alone and-"

"Of course I will." He answers without hesitation, "I promised to be here for you, and I'm going to follow through on that promise."