AN: I just learned that someone was raving about this story on Twitter - thank you. I am been absolutely floored by the response to this very difficult story. I know it is not an easy topic or "fluffy" read. Sometimes I wonder if I have gone too far and then I see your wonderful reactions and it keeps me going. We are starting the long climb back now. I can't promise it will be a smooth ascent. Like scaling most mountains, sometimes you have to go back down a bit before you can climb.
***SG1***SG1***
"I just want it to be over," Sam breathed, looking away from Tiffany, a flash of despair appearing on her face. "I just need..."
"What?" Doctor Rogers pressed gently.
"I need to," Sam swallowed hard. "I need to know that I'm still me."
"Which one?"
Sam looked at her with a questioning look.
"Which you? The soldier? Scientist? Theoretical astrophysicist? The family member, friend, co-worker, support system, defender, lover, comrade, expert marksman, aunt, hand to hand combat expert, sister, savior of the earth, second to the most elite research and combat team in the world. Shall I continue?" A shake of Sam's head, had the doctor nodding. "All of that is you and I'm betting right now, that you're not very sure about any of part of it." Tiffany paused before adding, "You blame yourself. You believe that if you had just been a little bit quicker, stronger, faster, smarter, more experienced, fill in whatever I'm forgetting, you could have somehow prevented or at least stopped what happened."
Wide bright blue eyes looked at her in shock.
"You're not to blame Sam," Tiffany said, her voice confident but compassionate. Seeing the objections begin to bubble in Sam's features, she continued. "Nothing you tell me is going to change my mind about that. I know you don't believe that right now, but it's the truth."
Changing subjects, Tiffany smiled tightly. "Have you been to your lab since you've been back?" Hearing Sam's 'no', she stood. "Shall we?"
***SG1***SG1**
Finishing the notations in the file, Doctor Rogers looked up and smiled tightly. "Let me start by saying that what I'm about to suggest may not be easy for you to hear. I've met with Major Carter several times now. She has a long road ahead of her. But," she added seeing the uneasiness in the other's body language from her statement, "I believe that with time and proper intervention, she will be able to regain most of her duties if she so chooses."
"Most, Doctor?" General Hammond asked, his eyes darting toward Daniel and and Doctor Fraiser to see if they knew what Rogers meant.
Nodding, Tiffany said, "It's too early to tell for sure about some aspects like going off world or how she's going to react the next time she's isolated from teammates on a mission or needs to engage in hand to hand."
"You said with the proper intervention," Daniel reminded her. "What do we do?"
"I would like for Major Carter to come back to Bethesda with me for awhile," Tiffany said. "There are programs there that can help her."
Frowning, General Hammond shifted. "May I remind you Doctor Rogers of the sensitive nature of Major Carter's work. She will be limited in what she is able to say outside these walls."
Rogers nodded. "I understand, sir." A frown momentarily pulled on her face. "I'd like to say that Major Carter is the only military personnel to have been captured and experienced sexual abuse. She's not." A slight shiver ran through her body. "It will do her good to understand that and be around others dealing with similar events. Her experience is not different, only the location and in this instance, location is pretty irrelevant."
"She could just state it was classified and let others fill in the blank as they want," Daniel stated.
"Exactly."
Nodding slowly, Daniel wet his lips. "And Jack... Colonel O'Neill?"
"I've not had a chance to meet with him yet," Rogers stated. Shifting papers on the table, she scanned one sheet. "From what I've read and heard, he's going to be a tough cookie to crack."
A small smile pulled on Hammond's features. Sobering, the General glanced down before adding, "We've," he motioned toward the others in the room, "known Jack for years now and he's a good man who's had to do some pretty damn awful things in his life. He'd do anything for this planet and for his team. He's going to try to tell you everything is fine and to focus all your attention on Major Carter." Looking at the others, he received a slight nod in agreement. "Don't believe it. That man is as damaged by this mission as the Major. He's just better at hiding it."
Seeing they had nothing else to report at this time, the General dismissed the group telling Rogers he would arrange access to Jack.
Waiting until Hammond left, Daniel called to Rogers softly to stop her. Seeing Janet stop also, he grimaced slightly. He hadn't planned on the doctor hearing what he was going to say.
"Tiffany," Daniel said lowly, his eyes darting towards the entrance to the General's office to make sure he was gone. "The General is right. Jack isn't doing well. When I talked to him earlier, he said he was thinking about leaving."
A sharply drawn breath from Janet told him she was concerned by the news.
"Sam...," Janet began dropping off when Daniel nodded. '
"She'll blame herself," Rogers surmised. Glancing down at the papers in her hand, she too glanced toward the doorway. "I know this may be difficult to answer and Doctor, you may want to walk away right about now." Waiting a moment, she continued when Janet gave a slight shake of her head. "I really need to know. How close are those two?" she asked her eyes darting between the two people in front of her.
Sharing a look with Janet, he read her warning for caution here. "What has Sam told you?" Daniel hedged, looking for some clue on how much the psychologist knew so far.
A tight smile at the evasive technique pulled on Tiffany's lips. "You know I can't tell you that," she said lightly to ease the rebuff. Reading the fact that the two were trying to tell her something without actually saying it, she hazarded a guess from what she had read and heard so far. "Look," she said, shifting, "I get it. Fifteen years Air Force remember. People get close under normal combat situations. Doing it millions of miles away from earth, knowing at times that your team could literally be the only humans you will see or depend upon," she paused shaking her head, a shiver at the thought of doing that running up her spine. "So let me ask it this way. If they were no longer in the Air Force or in the same command for that fact, would they still remain in contact? And I don't mean the occasional note at holidays contact."
"Definitely," Daniel stated, confident in his reply. Janet murmured her agreement also.
"And that contact would likely," Tiffany paused looking for the correct way to phrase it, "change," she settled for, "become different than it is now?" She watched as the pair exchanged glances.
"Yes," Janet drawled out slowly.
"More Intimate?" she pressed, the words barely a whisper.
The darting glance between the two answered her question. "And nothing has happened between them yet?"
"No." The word came in stereo, adamant, confident.
"Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill are consummate officers who would never place themselves above their duty," Janet statement firmly.
"Or each other over duty?" Tiffany asked, making a mental note of eyes darting between the two again, a flash of pain evident in both.
Daniel looked down. "Jack killed Sam a couple years ago to save the base." Glancing back at Janet, he murmured, "If she wouldn't have been able to be revived, he wouldn't have survived either."
Blinking back the sudden tears at the memory of Sam on total life support and the Colonel beside her slowly slipping away, Janet drew a breath to steady herself. "Over the years, I've... we've seen those two go through more, survive more than anyone has the right to. The only thing that has gotten them through is because the other one was there, fighting for their survival, sometimes harder than they were fighting themselves." Janet's eyes darted to Daniel for confirmation she wasn't going too far. "They are as much a part of each other as any two humans can be." Licking her lips she added, "Daniel's right in that neither is going to put this behind them and remain here if one of them can't."
***SG1***SG1***
"What good will that do?" Nelson pushed, his voice carrying half challenge and half incredibility at the idea just proposed.
"It'll give a clear message that no one is above repercussions for their actions," French stated back. "You've seen the evidence before, the results of what can happened if something like this is left unaddressed. It will spread and damage the whole base."
"And" Nelson interjected, "It can backfire when that person is such an integral, respected part of the base. If you are wrong it literally could mean the difference between the world continuing and ending one day." As melodramatic as that sounded, both men knew it was true. Getting up, he paced the distance of the room. "We are talking about the most highly decorated, best trained, and most motivated officers in the entire Air Force. Without SG1, we would not be having this conversation because we'd all be dead."
"SG1 is a team designation. It will continue long after the current members have moved on," French stated dryly.
"Fine," Al snapped back. "Without O'Neill and Carter." Blowing out a breath, he rolled his head back and shut his eyes for a moment. Straightening, he added, "If I agree with your proposal, we'd be in effect condemning them for something we have no proof actually happened and ruining the careers of two officers, and," he stressed the word, "be delivering a crushing blow to the program. I can't see Doctor Jackson or Teal'c passively accepting it either by the way."
Nodding, Tom looked down at this papers and let out a sigh. "Look, we put in separate recommendations and let the higher ups sort it out," he said, his tone calmer. "We were ordered to investigate the circumstances around Lieutenant Faber's death and find out if Colonel O'Neill should be charged. We did our job. The rest of this," he gestured to the table, "is above our pay grades."
***SG1***SG1***
Watching as Sam's forehead creased with concentration, a small smile pulled on Teal'c mouth. When he had been called to the lab earlier, he had been concerned that something was wrong. He was surprised to find the Major disassembling a generator that was working intermittently and the psychologist sitting in the shadow watching. Rogers had assured him nothing was wrong; in fact it was really good that Major Carter was at that time reading schematics. She was due at a meeting with the General and needed to leave.
Now, watching her, Teal'c understood. She was calmer and more in control of her emotions than she had been since she had returned from the planet.
"Teal'c?"
The question drew his mind from its inner contemplation. Realizing she was looking at him with a questioning gaze, he stood and moved closer. "Do you need something MajorCarter?"
Shaking her head, she looked back down. "You were smiling."
"It is good to see you here once again."
"Yeah," she replied, her eyes trailing across the room. "Nice to know some things don't change." A tight sad smile crossed her face. "That not everything changed."
A nod of agreement followed her statement. Silence descended for a few minutes until he saw a wince flash across her face as she shifted. "You are in pain." It was not a question.
Glancing at her watch, Sam was startled to see how long she had been in the lab. "Overdue for Janet's magic pills." Standing slowly, she put aside the part in her hand. "As much as I hate to admit it, we probably should head back."
Moving with her, Teal'c waited until she had locked her lab and started walking before he spoke again. "Did you determine the cause of the generator's failure?"
"Not yet," Sam answered, her mind shifting through the parts of the machine and their workings. "It has to be either a modulator or a loose wire somewhere. The trouble is that there are about a hundred possible places it could be." She continued to tell him of them as they walked.
"I am confident you will find it. Perhaps you can determine the best place to look for the next time you are there."
"Maybe," she said, entering the infirmary. "I should have brought the report on it back to study, find out if there is any pattern for when it shuts down."
"I shall bring it to you."
"Well, that is a good sign. You wanting some technical report," Janet teased stopping beside the bed. "You need these?" she asked, rattling the pills in a paper cup in her hand. Placing them into Sam's outstretch hand, she noted the calmer expression. "I take it you enjoyed your outing?"
"Yeah," Sam said softly. "I did." Swallowing she crushed the paper cup and tossed it in the trash beside her bed. "It felt normal, you know?"
"I do," Janet agreed looking around. "This place grounds me, as strange at that sounds. It's normal. I know what's expected of me and what I need to do here. It makes sense your lab would be that place for you."
***SG1***SG1***
Frowning, General Hammond looked up from the papers lying side by side on his desk. "These are your final recommendations?"
Two "Yes sirs" echoed in the room.
"I see," George said, reading the body language of the two men. Sitting back, he watched them for a few minutes. "Gentlemen, if you are going to judge two of my best officers and in turn, my command of this base, I think you need to clearly understand the implications of what you are doing." Seeing the two officers look at each other, he continued. "SG-3 is heading out on a recon mission in one hour. I think it would be good for both of you to accompany them."
"With all due respect sir," French stated, "we are fully aware of all Cheyenne Mountain missions as we analyze and review each report."
"And you and I know that entire novels can be written with what's left out of every one of those reports," Hammond countered.
Seeing continued objections being formed, Hammond interrupted them before they could start. "That wasn't a suggestion Colonel. Report to the mission ready room immediately. I'll notify Colonel Reynolds you'll be joining him. He is in charge and I suggest you both follow his orders if you want to come back alive." Moving the two pieces of paper aside, he added, "Dismissed."
***SG1***SG1***
AN2: Mean I know (sorry) but I promise, in the next chapter you are going to begin to get some answers and I think it's time for a little more J&S time.
