AN: Thank you for reviews from the last chapter! Remember when I said recovery was like climbing a mountain and that sometimes you had to go down to go up? Well, this chapter is a prime example of this reality. So hang on - it gets a little nerve racking.
***SG1***SG1***
Setting the tray down on the table, Daniel let out a loud sigh as he sank into the chair. "Hey Teal'c," he said softly, going through the motions of preparing to eat. "How was your trip?"
"It was fine, DanielJackson."
"Good," Daniel replied sending him a tight smile. "Sorry I called you back early, but I'm glad you're here."
Nodding in response to the sentiments, the Jaffa watched Daniel studiously fussing with his napkin and shifting around the items on his tray. After the third placement of his coffee cup, Teal'c broke the silence. "You are troubled."
Pausing for a moment before taking a sip of his coffee, Daniel slowly nodded. "Yeah, I guess I am," he confessed. Shrugging self-consciously, he tried to make light of it. "In my heart I know that it was probably a good thing I wasn't on 493 with Jack and Sam, but I just can't help but feel that things would have turned out differently if we had been there. You know?"
"I do."
"And now Sam's," Daniel shook his head, silently conveying he was not sure how to describe what Sam was going through before adding, "and Jack's leaving." Pushing around the potatoes on his plate, he peered cautiously up over his glasses. "Do you know what you are going to do?"
"I do."
Daniel looked up, exasperation flashing on his features as he said, "Care to share?"
"I am not done here yet, DanielJackson. I still believe the Tau'ri have the best chance to overthrow the Goa'uld and free my people. I shall continue to offer my services to GeneralHammond until O'Neill and MajorCarter are able to return."
The words loosened the knot that had settled into Daniel's chest. "Good," he said thickly, not realizing how much he had been dreading that Teal'c might say he was leaving also. "Good," he repeated again, nodding to further affirm it before focusing again on the tray in front of him.
"And you, DanielJackson? What shall you do?"
The quietly spoken words brought Daniel's head back up. A pang of guilt flashed through him at the uncertainty and hint of vulnerability reflected on the Jaffa's face. He realized he hadn't considered that he may not be the only one feeling a little adrift and uncertain of his place in the world. Clearing his throat, he said, "Er... I'm going to stay," he said. "At least for awhile," he added with a tight smile. "Somebody's got to keep an eye on you," he added.
A hint of a smile pulled on Teal'c's features and spoke of his relief. "You are most welcome to continue to fight at my side," he simply said before turning back to his meal.
Feeling a further sense of relief, Daniel nodded. After a few more moments, he again broke the silence. "You really think Jack's coming back?"
"I do, as I believe MajorCarter will once again fight at our side," Teal'c said with certainty.
The distinction between what he said between Jack's and Sam's future was not lost on Daniel. "But not Jack?" he asked. Seeing a crease on Teal'c's forehead, he continued. "You said Sam would go back on missions but not Jack."
Teal'c paused in his movements contemplating what Daniel had said. He had not consciously made that distinction but thinking about it, he realized he believed it. Raising his gaze to meet Daniel's, he said, "I believe that O'Neill will best serve in another role in the future. He has much to offer in other ways."
"What? Like a mentor?"
"Perhaps," Teal'c agreed, his mind comparing O'Neill to Bra'tac. "He and Master Bra'tac are much alike. Both are men of advanced years and wisdom who can teach others much."
Snorting, a smile pulled on Daniel's face. "You better not let Jack hear you say that. You just called him old."
"It is, as you say, the truth hurts sometimes," Teal'c countered, a gleam of amusement in his eyes.
***SG1***SG1***
Glancing quickly at the doctor across from her before again looking down at her hands, Sam drew in a deep breath to calm her nerves. Looking back, she forced the words she wanted to say out. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Sure," Tiffany said. "It may not be appropriate for me to answer it, but you can ask it."
"Were you held hostage?"
A small smile pulled on Roger's lips. She wondered how long it would be before Sam asked. "Yes, for twenty seven days."
"And did they rape you?"
"Yes, I was raped during that time," Tiffany said, "but that's all I'm going to say on the topic."
Nodding to indicate she understood, Sam licked her lips nervously. "Are you," Sam paused, clearing her throat. "Are you in a relationship now?"
"Yes, I am."
Nodding, Sam forced her gaze back up. "And he knows about," Sam paused, gesturing.
"He knows," Tiffany assured her. Looking down at her own hands she looked back towards Sam without raising her head. "Why don't you tell me what you're thinking about," she prodded gently, redirecting Sam from any further questions about herself.
"Colonel O'Neill has requested a transfer out of the SGC," Sam said quietly.
"Ah," Tiffany replied, making herself a mental note to reach out to Jack. "And that means, what?"
A shrug met her question before Sam offered, "Maybe a lot of things, maybe nothing." An expectant look from the doctor, made her sigh. "It's because of me. But it's a mistake." Sam's eyes drifted to the window. "I can't give him what he wants so it will all be for nothing."
Tiffany stopped the frown that wanted to appear. "How so?"
"Because I get it now," Sam breathed, her voice low. "Before I came here, everyone looked at me like I was damaged. I didn't want to believe it, but I understand now that I am." She forced a tight smile on her face as she glanced back at the counselor. "It's like you said. There's no going back from this one."
Metaphorical alarm bells began chiming in Tiffany's mind. Sitting up straighter, she adjusted the note pad on her lap. "Tell me about your morning," she said, knowing that something had to have happened. "Better yet, let's start with last night. You went outside the facility with Colonel O'Neill. What did you do?"
"Went up to Rockville, talked," Sam shrugged. "Got a bite to eat, came back."
"He told you he was leaving and, what?"
Sam's eyes instinctively searched the room for any signs of cameras or recording devices. Nervously she licked her lips. "That..er...certain things we had talked about years ago hadn't changed for him."
"Things?"
Sam's eyes scanned the area again. Cleaning her throat, she said, "Feelings."
"I see," Tiffany said carefully, trying to fill in the gaps from what she had heard from others about their relationship or lack there of.
"And that upset you?"
"Not at first," Sam breathed. "I," she paused, not sure she should continue. Making up her mind, she said, "Mine hadn't changed either."
"But they have since then?" A curt brief shake of Carter's head told her they had not, which meant something else was the cause. "But something else happened to make you doubt that it can work out?" Sam's lowered head told her she was on the right course. "Did he do something that made you uncomfortable?"
"Why are you always so quick to blame him?" Sam snapped, her eyes blazing at the doctor. The tone was harsh, angry. "Every time I feel or don't feel something you ask me if he did something."
Holding up her hands, Tiffany shook her head slowly. "I'm not blaming him," she said gently. "I'm trying to understand what happened to cause you to feel this way, that's all." She watched as Sam struggled to get her anger under control. "Events and actions don't define emotions and meanings. We do that."
"Oh, so it's my fault," Sam shot back, launching herself from the chair and moving over to the window.
Sighing, Rogers shifted and laid the notepad on the small table beside her, biding her time to give Sam some time. The mood swings didn't surprise her, in fact, she had been expecting them. Still she couldn't let her run from whatever it was that was driving her at this moment. After a few minutes, she said, "Please sit down."
Watching silently until Sam complied, she noted the Major refused to look at her. She could deal with that. At least she had come back. "You talked, got a bite to eat, and came back. Is that right?" A nod confirmed it. "Did he drop you off or walk you back in?"
"Walked me back in," Sam answered reluctantly.
"To the door, floor, room?" Rogers prodded for details.
"The room." The words were coarse, harsh, reluctant.
"The room," Rogers reiterated softly. "Which room?"
Sam started at the question, her eyes darting toward the psychologist. "Hospital room," she said hesitantly.
"What happened when you got to your hospital room?" Tiffany encouraged.
Averting her gaze, Sam tried to brush it off. "It was nothing. He came in, we said goodbye, he left." Running her hands through her hair, she shifted. "He hugged me and," Sam's head her head tipped back, her eyes closed.
Rogers read the agitation and emotional pain in Sam's body and features. Biding her time, she stayed silent.
"I freaked," she whispered. "He held me and it was like before, on the mission. We were back in that room where the rape happened. All I could see was the table, the shadows, sounds, feel the weight of a body pressing me down, the sounds, smells." Sam scrubbed her face. "Some part of me kept saying it wasn't real, but I had to get out, get away."
Comprehension of what had occurred sank into Rogers.
"It's stupid," Sam choked out. "I know he wouldn't hurt me but being pressed against him like that, feeling his body against mine," she shook her head, her eyes falling closed. "I pushed away from him."
"Had you hugged like that before?" Tiffany asked gently. A sharp nod of Sam's head told her they had. "Since the assault?"
A frown creased Carter's forehead as she thought back. "There, after," she whispered.
Tiffany nodded slowly. "Had you remembered that?"
Sam shrugged. "Some, not really. I...er...remember lashing out, fighting."
"And you wanted to do that again?" Rogers asked. When Sam nodded, she continued, her voice even and reassuring. "You had a flashback, Sam. It's not uncommon. It's unfortunate, but I'm not surprised. It was probably the worst combination of environmental and emotional factors for you right now: an institutional type setting, a small poorly lit room, something that you could have been restrained on coupled with all the emotions that had to be running through you after hearing that Jack was leaving. Your muscles, your body still holds the memory of your ordeal. They reacted to the situation and equated all of that with what happened on the mission and not being safe." Leaning forward, she made sure she caught Sam's gaze before she added, "It doesn't have to mean what you think it does."
Wide startled eyes darted to look at the doctor. "But what if it does?"
"Sam," Tiffany breathed sitting back. Shifting, she changed her tactic. "What did Jack do, after you pushed him away?"
"He," Sam blew out a breath. "Asked me if I was okay. I told him he better get going. He was flying back to Colorado Springs this morning, early." A shrug told her she had been scrambling for anything at the time. "Said he needed to get rest. Essentially, I shoved him out the door."
"He say anything?"
A snort escaped Sam, as she shook her head. "We've never needed words to communicate," she said thickly, trying to blink away the tears that had gathered. "He was confused, worried. I hurt him, doing that," she whispered. "What if I can't... if I panic at a hug, then what does that mean for anything else?"
Tiffany touched Sam's hand to bring her eyes to her. "As far as any sexual or intimate physical relationship, I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to take some time and a whole lot of patience on both of your parts. I think Jack knows that," she said softly. "There may need to be some changes in what you did before. You may find that at first that certain positions won't work or that you're no longer comfortable with certain things. But that doesn't mean you can't be intimate or won't enjoy a physical relationship again." Leaning back, she watched as Sam brushed tears from her face. "You know that what happened to you had absolutely nothing to do with sex, right?"
A flash of confusion passed over Sam's face. "But..."
"Someone, or in your case, several men performed sexual acts on you against your will. That's not sex and it sure as hell isn't intimacy. It was about power and control; them exerting it to dominate you. They used their bodies as a weapon, just as much as if they used a gun or knife," Tiffany said, her voice firm. "The only difference is that the wounds aren't as obvious."
"So what do I do?" Sam asked, her voice low, thick.
"You have to give yourself permission to try, to fail, and then to keep trying," Rogers said. "And you have to be willing to trust him, talk to him, tell him what you need, what makes you uncomfortable, what is freaking you out. If you're as good at communicating without talking as you say, he'll know something is wrong anyway. He just won't know how to help fix it if you don't tell him. And I don't think you want him to be guessing, wondering if you don't want or need him anymore do you?" Seeing Sam shake her head, she allowed a small smirk to pull in her lips. "Despite what we believe sometimes, we really can't read each other's minds."
***SG1***SG1***
Pulling into the drive, Jack heard the chime telling him a text had come in. Picking up the phone, a breath he did not know he had been holding escaped his lips when he saw it was from Sam.
Call when can. Need to talk.
Scrolling through the contacts, he hit the send when he landed on her name. His eyes trailed across the neighborhood as he listened to the rings. The low sound of her voice saying "Carter" reached his ear.
"Hey," Jack answered. "You okay?" he asked gently as the sound of her breathing seeped into him. He was just about to call her name to ask what was wrong when she finally spoke.
"I need you, want you, in my life," Sam said, thickly. "Please don't give up on me."
Jack's eyes closed as he tried to swallow the emotions trying to choke him. When he spoke, his voice was deep, throaty. "Not a chance in hell, Carter."
***SG1***SG1***
