A week since the party, and I've managed to avoid pretty much everyone. I've been leaving before breakfast, far away job searching during the day, hiding out in my room in the evenings. My parents have barely seen me, I haven't visited my sister, haven't gotten in touch with any other high school friends... I haven't even gone to get coffee in town. I basically deal with my no-caffeine haze until I've driven at least a town over.

I think I've gotten too good at this. I've been running from this place for so long, it's practically muscle memory to avoid staying here.

When I was fourteen, and Wendy and I got back together for the thousandth time, I had trouble not hiding from her. For a week afterward, I kept ducking into classrooms, stairwells, bathrooms, every time I saw her. When I admitted to her that I was accidentally still avoiding her as a reflex, she admitted she'd been doing the same thing. I wonder if the town itself wants me to leave as much as I do.

Kenny has called me several times. And every time, I just stare at my phone until it stops ringing. I feel awful, ignoring him like this. But I just can't help it. Hanging out with him sober is hard. He brings back the ghosts I try so hard to push away. I know I have to face him at some point.

I hope when of the places I gave my resume to calls soon. I'm going crazy sitting around in this fucking place.

And as per usual, I couldn't get to sleep. Despite the fact that I'd woken up before the sun came up, driven all the way to Denver, walked around for ages, went on a run… I haven't been able to sleep well since I got back.

After hours of tossing and turning, I decided to go on a walk. I figured I could clear my head, maybe solve the restlessness. And at three in the morning, who would still be out?

The streets are so quiet at night. Too quiet, and too dark. All the houses seemed empty. At times like this, I never feel sure that the town hasn't been abandoned.

My feet automatically took me to Stark's Pond. I seem to always end up here when I'm in town, no matter where I'm intending to go. It's a reflex, an subconscious response. I went here after every break up, every fight, every horrible things. It's like a safe space. Nothing bad happens here.

"So you are still alive!" an animated and cigarette-damaged voice said behind me. "What a relief. I'm not the only one us left."

I laughed weakly. "Ken, I'm not sure if it's funny yet."

He sat down beside me on the bench. "Yeah? When will it be funny? Having to wait to be allowed to laugh is really ruining my coping method."

I sighed. "Every time I laugh, I feel like I'm a terrible person."

"I know what you mean," he replied. I couldn't look at him. I stared at the reflection of the stars in the water, watching the wind make tiny waves across the surface.

We sat for a while in silence. The only sound was an occasional rustle of the wind through the trees. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest, and a ringing in my ears. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"So I guess you've been avoiding me," Kenny said, finally breaking the silence.

And as much as I wanted the silence to end, that topic wouldn't have been my first choice. "Yeah, I guess so. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I get it," he let out a loud sigh, and leaned far back on the bench. "You remind me, too. It's hard to be around everyone. Especially so suddenly. I used to only have to avoid Tweek, and that was never hard."

"Yeah, I saw him the day after the party. Didn't know he was at home."

"It seems he had a breakdown at Boulder. Some sort of anxiety attack that ended especially badly. He's been back home ever since. On suicide watch for a while, on and off all kind of meds that didn't help. People tried to get me to help him out and be there for him or some shit, but…"

He trailed off, but I was barely listening anyway. I had tensed up. My mind was stuck on the word suicide, echoing in all the corners of my mind. I shook it away and snapped back to the present, but my hands were still shaking a little.

"Seems like that would be a little much," I replied.

"Tell me about it. As though I need someone else to take care of."

I finally managed to look at Kenny. His blond hair was sticking out in every direction, as though he'd just stepped inside after a hurricane, and there were dark purple circles under his bloodshot eyes.

"So what are you doing up at three in the morning?"

He grinned. "Oh, you know, same thing as you. Having a nice leisurely walk."

I stared at him for a moment, examining his bright and animated smile. I wondered how he could manage that. I forced out a small chuckle.

He glanced at me. "I haven't been sleeping well. Not in years."

I looked back at the pond. "I slept alright in college. When I had so many distractions, and no reminders."

"Funny how we complain about things bringing back memories, yet we always seem to end up on this same bench. Nothing says nostalgia like Stark's Pond."

I let out a genuine laugh before I caught myself. I looked down, almost ashamed. "At least they're good memories," I said softly.

"Have you been back to the school?" he asked, his voice sounding a little strained.

"No," I answered, maybe too quickly. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to."

"Yeah, that makes sense," Kenny replied. He chewed his lower lip for a moment before continuing. "I went back. Recently. They shut it down a few years ago, but they haven't quite gotten around to tearing the actual building down yet. I broke in one night. It was kind of surreal, seeing the classrooms and hallways so empty and quiet. I ran out of there after about ten minutes. I ended up running straight here. Accidentally."

"Yeah, that seems to happen with Stark's Pond," I paused. "I'm not sure I would've lasted ten minutes."

He smiled. "It's a miracle that I did."

We sat there in silence for a while, a much more comfortable silence this time. I'm not sure how long we stayed there exactly, but it was enough time for the sky to get a few shades lighter before I ended up leaving to go to bed.

But I still couldn't get to sleep.