Chapter Five — Advanced Jeff
Abed having said the next best thing to 'I love you', it might have been a good opportunity for Troy to share his little secret. Yet, he didn't seize that chance. Like somebody, who wanted to catch a butterfly, but let it escape—because he feared that he might accidentally crush it.
The silence that had followed Abed's utterance was interrupted by the sound of the bottle, spinning on the floor. "Truth or Dare, Jeff," Abed asked a moment later.
Although our "injured" lawyer couldn't think of any dare that would top his having to ring naked at the neighbors, he chose Truth, crossed his arms, and prepared for the worst.
While Abed searched for a good Truth, his eyes wandered across the room, looking for inspiration. He asked Troy for an idea, but no help came from his friend, who could only shrug his shoulders. Jeff suspected that Troy wasn't thinking about any questions, but that he instead was still digesting what Abed had just said.
Finally, something came to Abed's mind. "Jeff, whom do you like more, Annie or Britta?"
"That's a very intimate question," Jeff answered.
"So is asking one's greatest fear," retorted Abed, who remembered well that Jeff had shown no such qualms when Abed himself had been asked similar questions.
"Touché," Jeff said, in his mind already digging for the answer.
So, who was it? That was a question he had wrestled with already a few times.
When Jeff had enrolled at Greendale, it was—without a doubt—Britta. Though to be precise: In the beginning, it was mere physical attraction. He wanted her, and he had had her—more than once. And when those first urges had subsided, he had grown very fond of her.
He liked her as a friend. He could talk to her more openly than to anybody else: She wasn't as naïve as Annie or Troy, nor as prejudiced as Shirley or Pierce, nor as Abedic as Abed. She could relate to a lot of the problems he had. She was living in the real world instead of in her own.
Britta understood him better than anybody else in the world. That's why he liked, adored her. He loved spending time with her. It was fun to talk with her, to drink with her, to tease her—it was even fun to quarrel with her.
But that was all; he liked her, but he definitely didn't love her.
He stared into space and scratched his chin, slowly repeating the names of the girls, while his friends refilled their glasses and drank to their health.
Annie on the other hand ...
He liked and adored her as well, and she was beautiful, and funny. And she was smart. But book-smart. Unlike street-smart Britta, she never really understood him.
In addition to that, Annie had been so terribly young when he first met her.
She had been an innocent little girl, something which must not be defiled by impure thoughts—in a way, she was holy. Whenever he had looked at her with the eyes of lust, he felt dirty, felt like a pedophile ogling his victim. And these feelings had embossed itself deeply into Jeff's mind, so that for a long time, in his eyes, she was but a young girl, way too young for a guy like him.
Apart from that, she had been in love with Troy since high school.
"Still waiting," Abed said, friendly reminding Jeff of the question.
But all of this had changed now: Annie had grown older, had become a woman in her mid-twenties, and she had lost her interest in Troy. That made place in her heart for another man. And Jeff sometimes thought of taking that place, because the way he saw her had changed as well. While she still was innocent, pure, and holy, she had become all these things in an irresistibly sensual way. And because she had grown older, Jeff no longer felt guilt when he thought of her in that way.
On the contrary: It had started feeling good. When he was lying in bed, lonely in the night, his eyes closed, his hands in his lap, caressing himself, he thought more and more of Annie instead of Britta.
"Hello, you still there?" Troy interrupted Jeff's musings, staring and waving at him, checking if he maybe had fallen asleep with his eyes open.
"I'm thinking! Which girl I like more, that's a hard question!" Jeff said.
He thought about the last time a smile of one of the girl's had made his heart skip a beat. Soon he knew: It was Annie's. Just the day before, the study group had, for once, been just studying silently history. To rest his weary eyes, he had looked up. And incidentally, Annie was looking up at the same time. Their gazes met. Without thinking, he smiled at her. And she smiled back, her smile warming his bosom.
Maybe that was the answer he was looking for? Even now, thinking of that smile, his heart started racing.
Jeff looked at Abed and Troy, talking with each other, Abed laughing about some joke of Troy's.
And at that moment, it all became clear to him: The way Troy thought about Abed—Jeff thought the same way about Annie. Because he had been a close friend of hers, he had had troubles seeing it, had troubles differentiating friendship and love, but now it was obvious to him: Just like Troy, he was in love with one of his best friends. No wonder he had felt that close to his friend when Troy had revealed his feelings for Abed to Jeff—because Jeff felt exactly the same way about Annie; at that time, he just hadn't realized it yet.
He was marshaling his thoughts to answer, when Abed abruptly said, "Maybe that's too difficult a question. I'll ask you another one." An ill-omened grin appeared on Abed's lips. "It's a funnier one: What would you do to us if we told you that we had sent the nude photograph of you to the group, including Professor Duncan, Dean Pelton, and Ben Chang?"
All the warm feelings that had suffused Jeff's heart until now were suddenly replaced by ire and the urge to kill. He gritted his teeth, and tried the keep the forced smile on his face from turning into a snarl, saying, "I might seriously consider the possibility of tearing off your arms and use them to beat the crap out of you."
Troy smirked at Abed, "Good thing we didn't do that, then."
Abed nodded. "Yes, luckily we did not connect my camera to my laptop and the internet while we waited in the bedroom for Jeff to calm down."
The forced smile on Jeff's face grew tighter, now hurting his facial muscles. For sure these drunken idiots had shared that picture. He tried to convince himself that he had nothing to be ashamed of, yet he resolved that he would make Troy and Abed rue this.
To calm himself, he closed his eyes and imagined bashing their heads together. Then he sighed and drank a sip of tequila, before spinning the bottle. The cramped smile on his face turned into a devilish grin when Abed, chosen by the bottle, picked—once more—Truth.
"Abed, buddy, my friend, old pal," he said, his grin widening and widening, "we all know you're a fan of making movies. So ... Tell us truthfully: Have you ever filmed yourself doing naughty stuff?"
Abed said calmly, "Define naughty."
"Oh, you know, anything explicitly sexual. Like jerking off, or having sex."
Without hesitation, Abed answered, "Yes," then paused.
He was about to elaborate, but Troy interrupted him hurriedly, "You've said enough, Abed. Jeff asked you whether you made such a recording. That question is answered." Pointing at the bottle, he added, "Spin it."
Troy's not wanting this to be disclosed intrigued Jeff. He was about to protest and ask for detailled information, but Abed answered faster, saying, "Such a literal interpretation of the rules is generally neither expected nor accepted in a game like this. Strictly speaking, he has asked me whether I ever did it, but by doing so he has implicitly asked me about the basic information as well."
Troy scratched his head, looking uncomfortably, then said, "I guess you're right."
Jeff wondered why this question was so unsettling for Troy. Was it a video of Troy and Abed doing something together? They had been once talking about shooting a sex scene for a Kickpuncher reenactment, maybe they had really done that? Or maybe they had produced a special edition of Troy and Abed in the morning, something like Troy and Abed in the shower? It certainly wasn't probable, but it wasn't totally unthinkable either.
Troy suddenly turned to Jeff, interrupting once more his thoughts, and said, "Jeff, before Abed tells you, you have to swear that you won't ever tell anyone."
"All right. I swear it. I shall not ever tell anyone of this recording I don't know anything about yet."
"Pinky swear?" Troy asked, raising his right hand and his pinky.
Jeff rolled his eyes, then said, "OK, pinky swear," and joined his finger with Troy's.
"Good," Abed said. "There exists a recording of me, Troy and Britta—"
"Britta?" Jeff exclaimed, cutting Abed off, "What's she got to do with—" Suddenly his jaw dropped. Excited, he nearly shouted, "Oh my God! You had a threesome!"
"Don't jump to conclusions, Jeff," Abed tried to calm him. "You're misunderstanding things."
Jeff closed his mouth. He thought about how he could have misunderstood that matter. The answer would have to include Abed recording himself doing something naughty as well as include Britta and Troy. How else would that be possible? Had Abed filmed himself spanking the monkey while watching Britta and Troy in action?
"It was on Britta's and Troy's anniversary, when he and I", Abed pointed at Troy and himself, "had switched bodies."
"Ah, yes, of course, the famous body switch," Jeff said in a sarcastic tone, his excitement immediately evaporating. He should have seen this Abedian explanation earlier.
"Britta had suggested that I film us having sex. Of course, I had to ask Troy first because I was using his body. But he was cool with it." Troy nodded agreeingly. Abed added, "In a way, it was a threesome, because there were Britta, my mind, and his body."
Jeff wondered if Troy's and Abed's parents might have been cousins or siblings; because that would explain why those two were into some of their little games in a manner that was way beyond sane or healthy.
Abed set the bottle into motion again, while Jeff's drunken mind once again wandered off, ruminating the thought of Britta's wanting to film herself. What if he had suggested to her making a sex tape? Did he miss an opportunity? He would have liked having a recording of Britta.
Then he started phantasizing about Britta filming herself, while she was doing something naughty. Phantasy-Britta was soon joined by Phantasy-Annie. He imagined that the two girls had been at a pajama party, had been playing Truth or Dare, dressed in lingerie instead of in pajamas. Both would be drunk and uninhibited. Britta would dare Annie into recording herself masturbating. At first, Annie would protest and be reluctant, but Britta would sit down next to her, calm her, tell her to relax. She would gently brush Annie's dark brown hair. 'Shh', she would say. Then, their lips, quivering in anticipation, would join in a passionate kiss. Next, Britta would push aside the strap of Annie's bra and kiss her shoulder, eliciting a soft sigh of pleasure from Annie's slightly opened mouth. Then Britta's hands would smoothly glide under Annie's shirt, towards ...
Jeff's R-rated dreams were abruptly interrupted by the laughter of his friends: In his phantasy, the girl's nipples had hardened; in reality, so had Jeff's penis.
His face immediately lost the blissful expression and took instead a deep red color. Quickly grabbing a cushion, he put it across his lap to hide his boner, thankful that his friends hadn't had a camera within reach. He hadn't been paying attention to the things happening in the room, but obviously Troy had been telling a Truth and "little Jeff" had taken the most hilarious moment to get up and say 'Hello, guys!'.
Jeff felt no urge to ask what he had missed, this would only lengthen the time his body's reaction was the center of attention. He just said, "That's a very interesting story, Troy, go on."
Troy needed a few more seconds before he was able to say that his story was finished, then, still laughing, he turned the bottle again. It turned a few times clockwise before it pointed directly at the cushion in Jeff's lap.
"Truth," Jeff said immediately, not wanting to be dared into removing that cushion.
"Well then," Troy said, "since you obviously liked my confession, tell us: What was the gayest thing you've ever done?"
Wondering what Troy could have been telling while he was dreaming, Jeff said, "The gayest thing I've ever done? Apart from playing Strip Poker and Truth or Dare with two guys?" He looked around the room, gathering memories to find the truthful answer, when his gaze stopped at Abed's underwear. "Apart from that, the gayest thing I've ever done was wanting to see your dicks."
Troy almost screamed, "WHAT?" while Abed froze, his eyes widening in surprise.
"I'm just honest," Jeff explained, WAY more honest than he would be if he had been sober. "I once overheard Abed saying that his dick is huge, that made me curious. And just look at yourselves, at your underpants. I mean, I've seen my share of porn so I know a thing or two about the size of a penis, and judging from your bulges, each of you has enough inches for two men."
"That might be accurate," Abed said, awakening from his stupor, while Troy remained paralyzed. "Mine is 30 centimeters long, that is twelve inches, Troy's has about ten inches, and the average length is somewhere around four to six inches."
As Jeff silently said to himself, "Twelve inches," he grabbed the bottle and spun it, watching Abed's lap, where the white fabric between the caramel thighs hid almost one foot of cock.
The bottle ended up pointing at Abed, who said, "I think I've said enough about me today. I pick Dare."
Jeff, still staring at Abed's lap, said the first thing that came into his mind. "Show me."
