Since I am buzzing from post-season finale feels, I figured I would post a bonus chapter this week. Enjoy x
Chapter Ten
"He hates you, you know?"
The words reverberated around Sam's mind, overpowering all else. He barely noticed Dean swinging the machete through the air or the leviathan's head hitting the floor. Everything he had was focused on what he had just heard. It felt like the happy bubble he had been living in since he'd come out of the cage had been burst, and now everything was raw.
"Did you hear me?" Dean asked.
"Yeah, Dean. I heard." He'd heard more than he ever wanted to hear, and the words had cut deep.
Dean looked at him with concern. "You okay?"
Sam raked a hand over his face. "Yeah, fine, why?"
Dean shrugged. "You looked a little rattled. I guess it was nothing."
Sam forced a smile and Dean looked appeased.
"Come on, Sammy," Dean said, "let's go share the good news."
Sam followed Dean up the stairs. His own plodding footsteps provided a counterpoint to Dean's excited stomps. As Sam trudged into the study, he saw Dean throw his arms wide.
"Call me a genius, because that's what I am!"
"You're a genius," Bobby said, not looking up from the book he was reading. "What did you do?"
"I only found a way to kill a leviathan."
Bobby's head snapped up and his mouth dropped open. "You did?"
Dean nodded. "A swing of the old machete and it's heads a rolling time."
Bobby grinned. "Why didn't we think of that before?"
"Because you just don't have my mad skills," Dean said, dropping down on the couch and resting one ankle on his knee.
Sam dropped down on the couch beside Dean and tried to maintain his smile. It was hard as inside he was still reeling.
Castiel stepped away from the wall. "This is good news."
"Damn right it is," Bobby said, picking up the phone from his desk. "I've got to put the call in to other hunters. This is the first breakthrough we've had in I don't know how long."
"I think this calls for a drink," Dean said.
Sam got up and went to the fridge to snag them a beer each. He would have liked something stronger to counteract the ache in his chest, but getting drunk would just loosen his tongue, and he would be baring all to Dean before he knew what was happening. That was the last thing Dean needed. He had already suffered enough because of Sam.
Before he could open the fridge door, a voice shouted up from the basement, and Sam froze.
"Hey, guys, I don't want to break up the party, but does anyone have a cough drop? My throat's a little dry."
He turned in time to see Dean jumping to his feet. "What the hell?"
"I believe the leviathan is talking to us," Castiel said blandly.
"But its head is... Man, that's just weird," Dean said, grimacing.
Sam crossed the room and hurried down the stairs to the panic room, the others following him. As he crossed the threshold, he stopped dead in his tracks, causing Dean to bump into him. The leviathan was grinning up at him, its head firmly attached. On the floor there was a trail of blood from where the head had lain to the side of the chair. Sam didn't even want to think about how the head had got back into position to mend; it made his skin crawl.
"What the hell are we going to do now?" Dean demanded, kicking the table where the tools of his torture lay.
"How's about we pick up where we left of?" the leviathan asked in Dean's deep tones. "Now, where were we?"
Sam saw the moment the words registered with Dean. He paled a little and his jaw snapped closed. Sam knew what he had to do. He didn't want to hear the leviathan spewing anymore vitriol against him, and even less did he want to see his brother's face as he did it. He picked up the machete from the table and chopped off the head once again.
Black blood spattered up and flecked his face. He wiped at it idly and turned to face the others. "We need to bury this."
Bobby nodded mutely, and with an expression of deep repulsion he picked up the head of the leviathan by its short hair and carried it up the stairs with Castiel on his heels.
Sam knelt beside the chair the remains of the leviathan was bound to and he began to undo the leather restraints. He felt Dean's eyes on him as he worked, and he turned and smiled. "You going to help?"
Dean nodded slowly and bent down to work on the other restraints. "Look, Sammy, about what the leviathan said, you know it's all—"
Sam couldn't bear to hear Dean lying to him, so he cut him off before he could say anymore. "It's fine, Dean."
"So, we're good?" Dean asked.
"Yeah, we're good."
Dean nodded and they got to work dealing with the leviathan's body in silence.
Sam sat back on the bed and brought the bottle of whiskey to his lips. Taking a swig, he thought of all that had happened.
For the first time since his return from the cage, he felt tired and achy. Burying the leviathan had been a lot of work, and he'd thrown himself into the physical labor, anything to distract himself from the thoughts of what he'd heard.
As soon as he had done filling the hole in the ground, he had excused himself—against Dean's protests—to go back to the motel. On the way he'd stopped by the liquor store. He'd intended to buy a six pack, but the bottles of whiskey had been too tempting, and he'd forgone his usual beer in favor of the good stuff. He knew he would regret it in the morning, but that could just add to the list of regrets he was dealing with at the moment.
What the leviathan had revealed weighed on him like a physical thing. Dean hated him. It was not as big a shock as it should have been. It was as if Sam had already known it on some level but it wasn't until it had been vocalized that it really sank in.
He had certainly given Dean enough reason to hate him. He'd abandoned him again and again, failing miserably each time. He'd opened the cage and released Lucifer, killing countless people. He'd lied to Dean and hidden the fact he had fallen into Ruby's clutches, drinking demon blood to power his abilities. Then the worst crime of all, he'd left Dean to fight alone while he threw himself into the cage to be with the man he loved. He had betrayed his brother again and again. It was no wonder Dean had finally had enough of him.
He wished Lucifer was there. They had been together so long that the ache of his absence added to the pain in his chest that his guilt had left him with. He felt even more guilt for the fact he was thinking of Lucifer when he should be focused on his brother and fixing what he'd broken there. But there was no way to fix it. What he had done was beyond repair.
He threw his head back and it clunked against the wall. It hurt, but in a way, the pain was a relief. It took something away from the ache in his chest. He was unsurprised to feel tears pricking at his eyes.
"Thinking deep thoughts?" a familiar voice asked.
Sam's eyes snapped open and he saw Lucifer standing at the end of the bed. The tears that had been pricking at his eyes began to fall in earnest. He climbed out of the bed and crossed the room in three strides, falling into Lucifer's waiting arms.
"What's happened?" Lucifer asked, patting his back.
"I screwed up, Lucifer, I screwed up bad."
Lucifer led him to the bed and eased him down. Sitting beside him, he pulled Sam against his side and pressed a kiss to his hair. "Tell me what's wrong."
"I don't even know where to start," Sam said. "I know now, and I wish I didn't."
"You know what your brother has been hiding?" Lucifer asked, shock coloring his tone.
Sam nodded against his chest. "I know."
Lucifer carded his fingers through Sam's hair. "Do not judge him too harshly. Dean was acting as he thought best."
Sam turned to look into Lucifer's eyes. "Judge him? Lucifer, it's him that should be judging me. He is judging me, and I've fallen short."
Lucifer's brow creased with confusion. "Explain to me exactly what he said."
Sam sniffed. "He didn't have to say it. The leviathan said it for him."
Lucifer's look of confusion deepened. "Sam, I don't understand."
Sam rubbed at his eyes. "Bobby and Cas got hold of a leviathan, and we trapped it in the basement."
"Okay, setting aside the danger and ludicrousness of that statement for now, what happened next?"
"They're shapeshifters," Sam said. "Dean punched one, and it became him. It had all his thoughts and memories, and it said..."
"Yes?" Lucifer probed.
Sam looked down at his lap. "He hates me, Lucifer. Dean hates me."
The corners of Lucifer's mouth turned down to a frown, and he fell silent for a moment. "And you're willing to take the word of a monster on something as important as this?" he asked.
Sam nodded. "You didn't see Dean's face. He didn't want me to hear it, but it was too late."
"If your brother hates you, why would he care that you heard it?" Lucifer asked reasonably.
Sam shook his head. "Because it's what Dean does. It's hardwired in him to protect me, even from the truth.
Lucifer nodded. "I believe he is protecting you, but not from what you think. He is protecting you from himself. Do not question your brother's love for you. He went to Hell for you, Sam."
"That was before," Sam said. "Before everything I did."
"And what is it that you believe you've done so badly to deserve his hate?"
"Do you really need to ask that?" Sam said, looking at him with a raised brow. "Look at what I've done, the hurt I've caused. My life has been nothing more than a path of destruction."
"You're so much more than that, Sam. If you defined yourself by your acts, then I would be nothing more than a monster, but here I am trying to be better for you. You taught me that. Why is it that you can forgive me for my sins but you cannot forgive yourself?"
Sam brought the bottle to his lips once again but Lucifer caught his hand. "No more, Sam. You are punishing yourself with this, and it's wrong."
Sam sighed and dropped the bottle back into his lap. "You're right. I don't know what to do though. I have to make it right with Dean, but I don't know where to start."
"Your brother's love for you runs deep," Lucifer said. "I understand hate and love, and I know the difference. Dean may be angry with you, he may even think he does hate you, but through it all he also loves you. Love and hate can exist together. Look at Michael and I. He forced me from heaven and then into the cage, and I had every right to hate him for it, but I didn't. I loved him still, and his death pains me greatly."
"What do I do?" Sam asked plaintively.
"You do what you are already doing. You be there for your brother and try to make amends. He had a turbulent two years while we were gone, and he will need your understanding of that."
"Lucifer," Sam said, "is it really that bad, what happened to Dean?"
Lucifer nodded solemnly. "It is, and when he comes to you, you will have a chance to redeem yourself in your and his eyes."
"Why won't you just tell me?"
Because if you know, it can change your relationship irrevocably. I have taken you from your brother once. I will not do it again."
Sam rubbed a hand over his face. He needed a break. "Lucifer, can we go to Membata?"
Lucifer nodded. "Of course."
Within minutes, Sam was reclining on the beach, staring out at the ocean reflecting the light of the setting sun. He was tired, more than a little drunk, and overwrought with emotion, but he had his angel with him, and for a few hours it was possible to forget just how much damage he had done and how clueless he was as to how to fix it.
So… I know there was no Sam/Dean talk in this one, but I promise it will come. Just stick it out a little longer. Kay?
As mentioned, I am full of the season finale feels — And am I the only one that wants to write a post S11 fic sooooo bad right now? — so if you want to talk episode, weather, or anything else really, drop me a PM. I love to chat.
Until next time…
Clowns or Midgets xxx
