I'm just now realizing how packed this episode was. I left out a bunch of stuff I didn't know what to do with, and this is still way longer than I expected. Then again, I also went a little overboard with the BatCat, so... hehe. Because it's so long, I've decided to split it into two shorter parts. Second part will come out shortly after.

It was time for the table reading of Gotham's newest episode, Mommy's Little Monster. It was a pivotal episode, in which the entire series would be bent around. Jack hadn't shown his face around the table for two episodes, but that didn't matter.

It was exactly one week since Bruno Heller had gotten tired of the little clown boy harassing his cast. He had a plan to get him to stop, but that involved a deal that was all too painful to make. In exchange for Jack stopping his harassment of the cast, Bruno agreed to create one episode of Gotham using a script the insane boy wrote. Jack had said he would stop by whenever with the script they were to use, but two episodes had gone past, and no sign of Jack Kerr. The cast was thinking that the boy had forgotten. They were safe to produce this one, important, pivotal episode.

"Hey, I just got a text." Sean Pertwee said, checking his phone. The cast, sat around the table, waited anxiously as Sean read the text out loud. "What's the difference between Batman and Selina Kyle? Batman can go to a ball without Robbin'. From JK."

"JK?" Jessica Lucas asked. "As in Just Kidding?"

The more obvious answer loomed upon Robin Lord Taylor. "Or... Jack Kerr."

"Correct!" said a voice, as the door was kicked open and Jack jumped onto the table, brushing off his coat and throwing his hat away, straight at Natalie Alyn Lind's face. "Sorry I wasn't here sooner. Come on, with your last ones? The hooker parade, the eyeball thing, the mallet hand, that guy with the bomb in his pants who got blown up, I could not possibly make those better. Bridgit could've been wearing a clown nose, but other than that? Gold. But I see you've reverted back to your normal brand of quality villainy and conspiracy and mind-bending clever plans that I just couldn't see on the screen without a little pizzazz. So, who wants to guess what happens in my script?"

"Bruno sent you a key with the note he sent, right?" Ben Mckenzie asked. "So why did you kick down our door again?"

Jack shrugged. "Force of habit. Anywho, let's get back to business. Now, Cory. I want you to deliver this line with some real pizzazz. After all, we found your long lost twin brother just for the show!"

"I have a lost twin brother?" Cory gasped. "My mother said-"


Oswald Cobblepot, better known as the Penguin, walked through the dark alley of warehouses on the riverside with his crew, all armed with guns and weapons. He'd been waiting for this moment for a long time- the moment he'd rescue his mother and kill Theo and Tabitha Galavan. They deserved to die.

"Mother!" Penguin exclaimed, dropping everything he was holding and running to the cell his mother, also crying out for her son.

"Oswald, is that really you?" she squeaked, hugging him through the cell bars. "Your face- like a vision!"

"Don't you worry. Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to get you out of there." Penguin smiled, going back to get his bolt cutters.

There were footsteps coming from down the hall, and the shapes of Theo and Tabitha Galavan appeared out of the darkness. Penguin froze in his tracks, glaring at Theo as if lasers would shoot out of his eyes.

"Penguin." Theo smiled. "I thought that by now, you'd have understood the meaning of consequences."

"Oh?" Penguin growled. "How's this for consequences?" He snapped his fingers, and Victor Zsasz and his army of hot lady henchmen fell in through vents on the roof holding machine guns, and Victor was holding a bomb.

Theo looked around and just grinned. "Ha, if you blow up this place, you'll never get the key to the cell your mother is in!"

"Very well." Penguin snarled. "Zsasz, shoot them both in the head and grab the key."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a second." Theo said, holding up his hands to defend himself. "Don't you want to get Butch to shoot me?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it matters a lot."

"Fine, Butch! Shoot them both in the head and grab the key."

Butch held a gun towards Theo and Tabitha, but then slowly turned towards the rest of Penguin's henchmen. Zsasz was there though, and as soon as he saw Butch turning to the henchmen, he grabbed the gun, threw it across the room, and punched Butch in the face, knocking him out. Theo stood in his place awkwardly as Penguin smirked, "Zsasz is always the answer. Always the answer."

"TABBY!" Theo yelled, and Tabitha engaged in an epic battle with Victor Zsasz that would last for a long time. Meanwhile, Penguin and Theo stood in their places awkwardly as Tabitha and Zsasz were shooting at each other.

"This is going to take a while." Penguin said. "Luckily, I planted a bomb at the base of your building if you didn't give my mother back."

"You've really thought this through." Theo growled.

"What did you think I was going to do, just charge in with two men with tiny guns?" Penguin sneered, as Tabitha and Zsasz were on the ground punching each other.

Theo sighed, "Alright, I'll give you your mother if you don't kill me right now."

"I'm good with that." Penguin grumbled, while Tabitha and Zsasz were rolling around on the ground, madly kissing each other.

Theo let Penguin's mom out of the cell and the two evil kingpins walked off as Tabitha and Zsasz were wildly making out on the floor, and Penguin turned around to yell, "I'm still going to kill you later!"

(GOTHAM)

You are a psychopath!

I'm not the man you think I am! I'd never do anything to hurt you.

Ed woke up on the side of his bed, his eyes hurting from the tears and slouched over. The memory was too fresh in his mind. He didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. He could stay where he was for the rest of his life. But then, there was a voice.

"I knew you'd wake up all boo-hoo-ey." Evil Ed grinned, leaning against the corner wearing a green suit, a green hat with a question mark on it, and holding a gold cane with a question mark on it.

"Why are you dressed like that?" Ed asked.

Evil Ed shrugged. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were allergic to character development. Anyway, do you like magic tricks? Of course you do, because I like magic tricks. Well guess what? I can make a body disappear."

Ed leaned up and peered over the top of the bed, dreading seeing Kristen's body. Instead, there was nothing. The sheets were undone, and Kristen's perfume still permeated the sheets. Ed's eyes fell on a note, an envelope with a green question mark on it. He opened it, and read, "Riddle me this: My first is about what you stained the pillow with by being a pussy. My second is what Gordon can use to screw up our plan. My last is the word that made Bullock pee his pants. What am I?"

"You'd better figure it out fast." Evil Ed sneered. "You want to find the body before someone else, right?"

A riddle. Ed thought. Stains on the pillow? Stains. Tears? Eyes. About eyes. About can also mean around. Around eyes are circles. Two circles. Okay, what Gordon can use. A badge? A gun? He's a cop. His job is a... his job! He clocks in every day. His clock-in card. What made Bullock pee his pants? When did... the GCPD massacre. He was listening to Jerome's speech. You're all tiny little cogs in a giant absurd machine. A machine. What does that mean? Two circles, a clock-in card, a machine. Two circles can be a Venn diagram. A clock-in card goes into a timer. It has a clock. It makes a ding noise. Venn, ding, machine. Vending machine. There's a vending machine at the GCPD.

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

Theo, Tabitha, and their niece Silver stood in front of the television in their apartment, watching the broadcast. It was about Jim Gordon, president of the policemen's union, endorsing Theo for mayor, something that made Theo very happy.

"I can't believe you're going to be the mayor of this sink hole." Tabitha sighed, clicking the television off.

"Can I go to the victory party after?" Silver asked. "You promised me fun."

Theo grinned, amused. "There'll be plenty of time for parties and fun once I own Wayne Enterprises, and Bruce Wayne has met his unfortunate demise."

Theo turned around and sat on his desk, smiling at his silver-haired ward.

"Young Bruce has become quite fond of you. I need you to make sure no one else is whispering secrets in his ear. Can you do that?"

Silver sighed, holding up her pinky finger with a sneer. "See this finger? I've got little Bruce wrapped tight around it."

"What a vixen you've become."

"I took a shower with the door open so Bruce could 'accidentally' barge in on me."

"Good, clever."

"I gave him a present in a box that 'accidentally' had some panties in it."

"Dedication, nice."

"I snuck into his bed last night."

"Okay, too far. You're grounded for a week. And, we have Penguin to deal with."

Tabitha stood up, smirking at the thought of getting to kill again. "I'll take care of it."

"No." Theo said. "I'm about to become mayor. I'll have an army at my disposal. Time to use it."

"What, are you stupid? That little maniac could bring a bomb and blow us all up at the election party! He tried to kill all of us when he got his mother. I'm going to track him down and kill him. You go and do your election thing, and I'll get my whip."

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

"You trust him?" Bullock asked, walking by his desk at the precinct and seeing his partner eyeing a news story on Theo Galavan on the television.

Jim sighed, "A Gotham politician? About as far as I can throw him. But... if he gets us what we need, he's alright by me."

"I don't trust him either. His entire face screams 'supervillain.' And did you see his ears? Seriously, was his mother an elephant? Whoever his parents were gave birth to his hot sister, then ran out of the hotness gene and so gave birth to him."

"Harvey?"

"What?"

"He can hear you."

"Damn right he can hear me! Those ears of his, he could hear a fly taking a crap on the roof. I wonder if he can hear Ed talking to himself. It'd solve the whole 'taking him to therapy thing.'"

"No, I mean he's right behind you."

Harvey turned around and shrieked like a little girl at the sight of Theo Galavan standing behind him with Harvey Dent, tapping his foot impatiently waiting for Bullock to get up off the ground.

"Ignore him, he's drunk." Jim sighed, helping his partner up. "What can I help you with?"

Harvey Dent took a deep breath and shook his head. "Penguin just tried to kill our new mayor."

(SHOT OF GOTHAM CITY POSTCARD THAT'S A PICTURE OF THE SKYLINE)

Jim and Harvey stood in the captain's office as Captain Barnes briefed Theo on everything he knew about Oswald Cobblepot.

"We believe Penguin was behind the mayoral candidate assassinations, and was responsible for burning down those Wayne Enterprises buildings."

"And this is the second time he's tried to kill me." Theo complained. "That man is a menace."

"And one I fully intend to put behind bars." Barnes growled, looking down.

Jim put his hand up to gain the attention of the room. "Wait, Penguin tried to kill you?"

Theo nodded, and turned to show the scar on his neck.

Bullock scoffed, "That looks like a papercut."

"Penguin stabbed me in the neck!" Theo whined.

"The makeup on the scar is dripping."

Theo sighed, "It's ketchup from my lunch earlier, but the scar itself is very real! Now, about Penguin. As soon as I become mayor, I'm making a curfew and conducting door-to-door searches until we find this dangerous criminal."

"That seems unnecessarily drastic." Barnes said. "We could put up wanted signs and continue absorbing all of his properties. That would draw him out."

Jim shrugged, "We could just put officers on you until Penguin comes for you. He's bound to sooner or later. It's a lot less hassle than creating a curfew."

Bullock grinned, "Or we could put up 'free knee braces' signs at the leg surgery places."

"NO!" Theo yelled, before brushing himself off and regaining his composure. "I mean... I'm sure a curfew is the best option."

"Really?" Bullock sneered. "You're going to go all 'dictator' on us? Penguin was mean, but at least he let us out after nine o'clock."

Jim sighed, "If we start policing through fear, we're no better than he is."

"Right, of course." Barnes groaned. "Policing through throwing people out of windows and beating suspects is much better. You have our full support, Mister Galavan."

"Just remember, Jim." Theo said, turning to Jim. "You came to me."

"You came to me first."

"You agreed to endorse me."

"You asked like twenty times and sent a gift basket to my house."

"Okay, it's not important who came to whom, now let's go get the Penguin!"

(SHOT OF SKYLI- OH WAIT, IT'S JUST WAYNE MANOR.)

"What do you have against front doors?" Bruce asked, finding Selina in the study of Wayne manor by the open window.

"Nothing." Selina said, creeping closer to Bruce. "It's the ape who opens it that I could live without."

Bruce nodded. "It's been a month since I've seen you. What are you doing here?"

Selina laughed a bit. "I've had the craziest week. My old friend Bridgit, she built this fire suit and she-" Selina stopped once her eyes landed on a blue women's handbag.

Bruce stood still for a moment, not knowing what to say. He finally breathed out, "That's Alfred's."

"Why does Alfred have a girl's handbag?"

"He's going through a mid-life crisis."

Then, Silver walked in, and Bruce swore under his breath as Selina glared at the girl he invited over. Silver brushed off her dress, not noticing Selina as she walked into the study and smiled, "Sorry, I got lost on my way... who's this?"

Bruce stood still, preparing himself for the most awkward moment of his life. "Silver St. Cloud, this is Selina. Selina, this is my... friend Silver."

Selina cocked her eyebrow and sighed, "You know, you used to be awkward and short and had no idea how to talk to girls. Puberty hit you like a sack of bricks."

"Are you staying for lunch?" Silver asked, inching closer to Selina. "Please say you are, I just moved here and don't know many people."

"Well, I would." Selina smirked. "But I'm allergic to blonde hair dye. If I get close to it, I get spasms in my middle finger, so polite pass."

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Silver beamed, turning to Bruce. "Go tell Alfred you have some guests. Go on, shoo!" Silver then flirtingly pushed Bruce away down the hall. Bruce scurried away to find Alfred, hoping to return as fast as possible so Selina couldn't tell Silver anything embarrassing about him. She knew a lot.

Silver waited until Bruce was out of earshot, and then turned to Selina. "Well, now that it's just us girls, let me give you a little advice. You come around here again, that would be bad. For you."

Selina snorted with a smirk. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Bruce's friend." Silver grinned. "His only friend."

"Funny, because when I tell Bruce he was no friends, he just gets mad. He must like you or something."

And then, Silver made it more awkward than it already was by darting in and sniffing the crook of Selina's neck with a pleased grin. "And you're a piece of gutter trash. Tell me, would anyone miss you if one day you were just... gone?"

Selina gave Silver an impressed smirk. "You know, I would call you a dumb blonde. Except the blonde hair obviously isn't real, so that means you're just dumb."

"Actually, the blonde is real, which is more than can be said about the leather you're wearing."

"I was kidding. Nice ponytail. It pulls back your hair enough for people to see your head is shaped like a strawberry."

"Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?"

"No..."

The two girls turned around hearing footsteps coming down the hall, and Bruce came back into the study. "I told Alfred."

There was the sound of a machine gun shooting in another room, and some glass and wood breaking as it met the bullets.

Bruce shrugged. "I probably shouldn't have told him about you, Selina. What were you two talking about?"

"Nothing." Silver smiled sweetly. "Just girl stuff."

"Yeah." Selina smirked, fingering the voice recorder in her pocket. "Just girl stuff."

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

Ed looked over the precinct, making a mental list of the vending machines in the precinct as cheery pop music played, and the cops walked by completely oblivious to what Ed was really doing there.

"See, this is why people don't like you." Evil Ed growled, sneaking up behind Ed. "Because you listen to this music."

Ed fumbled with his record player, frantically turning off, "Closer to the bone, sweeter is the meat, last slice of Virginia ham, is the best that you can eat,"

Evil Ed sighed, massaging his imaginary temples much harder than you're supposed to. "Did you solve my riddle yet?"

"Yes." Ed said, sadly. "I just have to find a vending machine."

"I am four brothers with a cousin to my left, what am I?"

"A right hand. Is there a vending machine in the right hall?"

Evil Ed gave up, not able to live with Ed's stupidity, and started bludgeoning himself with a wrench from the nearby table. Sadly, Evil Ed's imaginary hands passed right through the wrench, and so Evil Ed just slapped himself in the face over and over again. Ed went to go find a vending machine.

Later, Ed arrived at the vending machine on the right hall and looked at all the options. There was nothing pertaining to Kristen Kringle.

"Which one do I pick?" He wondered, eying all the different buttons and corresponding snacks.

He looked up, and Evil Ed appeared sitting on top of the vending machine. "I'll tell you. But first, imagine me in a top hat."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Ed imagined his evil counterpart wearing a top hat, and suddenly, a black, tall, Abraham Lincoln style hat appeared on Evil Ed's head.

"Yes, I've always wanted to try one of these." Evil Ed grinned. "Now imagine me riding a unicorn. I'm kidding, we can do that later. Right now, what's missing from the dark to give it a sword?"

Ed thought for a while. "The letter K. It turns night into knight. I press the letter K?"

Evil Ed was too busy taking imaginary selfies in his top hat to pay attention, so Ed just put a bill in and repeatedly pressed the K button. Twinkie after Twinkie fell into the bottom slot, and finally, the Twinkies ran out and there was nothing left in the slot.

"There's nothing here!" Ed yelled, perhaps a bit too loudly.

Evil Ed shrugged. "I may have exaggerated the letter."

"I spent twenty-seven bucks!"

"Inflation, right?" Evil Ed laughed. "I guess you'll have to try all the buttons. Good thing you work on a public servant's salary."

After seventeen buttons and a hundred and six bucks worth of vending machine snacks, Ed finally ran out of money, only having enough for one more snack, enough to finish off the M button. He pressed it one more time, and prepared to take home the snack. Only it wasn't a snack. It was a severed hand.

Ed gasped in alarm and grabbed the hand before anyone could see, scurrying off for his lab to confirm it was Kristen's. A few seconds after, Bullock walked past and noticed a hundred and six dollars worth of snacks lying at the bottom of the vending machine.

"I don't know what kind of vigilante you are," Bullock cheered, "But you're my favorite so far!"


Cory Michael Smith eyed his script with exasperation, looking up at Jack.

"I know we have to create this episode the way you wanted, but... selfies in a top hat?" Cory asked.

Jack shrugged. "I think fans would get a kick out of that!"

"But this show is set ten years in the past, selfies weren't even invented yet."

"Yes, but how epic would it be if the Riddler invented the Selfie?!"

Meanwhile, across the table, Natalie Alyn Lind was attempting to call security on her cell phone when Camren stopped her, grabbing the phone from under the table.

"No, Natalie." Camren whispered. "We have to do this. We have to get rid of this kid forever."

Natalie sighed. "Seriously, though. 'Would anyone miss you if one day you were just gone?' That's so cliché, we can't say that!"

"Actually, that was from the original script." Jack grinned, darting around to laugh at the teenage actress. "See why I have to make these changes?"

The entire cast shrugged.


Alfred walked into the study to serve tea to Bruce and his guests, shuddering and trying to stay calm.

"This is wonderful, Alfred." Silver smiled. "I fell in love with Lapsang Souchong when I lived in Fuijan. Driving through the Wuyi region, all you could smell was the burning cedar they used to smoke leaves." she said, referring to the same smell that Selina would describe as dirt and Asian plastic.

Alfred sighed, "Actually, it's grass from the front lawn, but I appreciate your enthusiasm."

Selina wafted the tea smell into her face, taking a deep breath of the disgusting leaves in the water and sneering at the butler. "That smell really does slaps you in the face, doesn't it, Alfred?"

Alfred's eye twitched, and he started walking off, whispering to himself to calm himself down, "Calm down, Alfred. Not in front of Miss St. Cloud. Remember your therapy, Alfred," and disappeared from the study.

Silver put down her tea and gave Selina a smile that was equivalent to a psychic slap in the face. "So, Selina, tell me about yourself. Do you have any family?"

Bruce, remembering the time he asked Selina about her family, resisted jumping on Silver and taping her mouth shut.

Selina put down her disgusting-smelling warm cup of water with grass in it and gave Silver a fake grin. "Let me ask you a question. How long have you been a two-faced slut?"

"How dare you say that to my beautiful, gorgeous, perfect, glowing, radiant, adorable-" Bruce screamed, before realizing he was saying it out loud and quickly shut himself up.

Selina sighed, "No, seriously! What's she after?! It's the money, right? It can't be his wacky sense of humor."

That hurt Bruce just a little bit. More than that, Silver stood up and whispered, "Maybe I should go-"

"NO!" Bruce yelled, shaking the entire mansion, and then biting on his tongue to punish himself mentally, thinking, what is wrong with me today?!

"Is that a tear?" Selina grinned, cocking her head at Silver. "You're good."

"I'm sorry." Silver whimpered, flashing Bruce with her most pouty sympathetic face. "Goodbye."

"Silver, please don't go! I love you!" Bruce whimpered, reaching out to her, and consequently slapping himself in the face. "God, I cannot talk today!" He waited until Silver was gone, and turned to Selina. "What did you do?!"

Selina groaned, "Yeah, yeah, you can be pissy later. Listen to this."

She pulled a tape recorder out of her jacket pocket and rewinded it a bit. Then, she pressed play for Bruce to hear a conversation between Penguin and Butch on tape.

"No! When I asked for an umbrella gun, I asked for a gun that looks like an umbrella!"

"Oh, I thought you meant you wanted a gun that shoots umbrellas."

"Why would I need a gun that shoots umbrellas?"

There was a gun shooting sound, the sound of an umbrella opening, and Penguin saying, "Okay, keep this. But I still want another umbrella gun that's a gun that looks like an umbrella."

Bruce looked at Selina confused, and the snickering Selina changed the recording to one of Edward Nygma talking to himself.

"I want to get Kristen some of these flowers. That's so cliché, get her a bomb or something. Girls don't like bombs. Hey, what looks like a pencil and will never get laid? What? You, now take us to the bomb section."

"Can I be pissy now?" Bruce asked.

Selina sighed, "Just hold on a sec. Okay, here, listen to this."

She pressed the play button on the recorder, and it was Silver's voice saying, "I'm Bruce's friend. His only friend. And you're a piece of gutter trash. Tell me, would anyone miss you if one day you were just... gone?"

"She's evil?" Bruce asked, looking devastated.

Selina nodded. "Yep."

Bruce gasped, "But she's so pretty."

Selina then grabbed a pillow off the couch and beat Bruce with it, "SNAP! OUT! OF! IT! ROMEO!"

"Okay, okay!" Bruce whimpered, trying to defend himself with his arms. Selina threw the pillow down, and Bruce sighed, "Okay, so what do we do?"

Selina grinned, "We're going to get revenge."

Bruce smiled again, and left the study to go get what Selina told him to get for the plan. In the hallway, he bumped into Alfred, who was holding a sniper rifle, and was wearing a camouflage military suit and a jaguar pelt.

"Hi, Alfred." Bruce said.

"Hello, Master Bruce." Alfred sighed.

"Where are you going, Alfred?" Bruce asked.

"Cat-hunting, Master Bruce." Alfred smirked, cocking up his rifle and walking into the study only to find an open window and all the food on the plate stolen.

"MISS KYYYYYLEEE!"

(SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS OF SKYLINE SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS)

Bruce walked into the Galavan apartment, looking around for Silver. Instead, he found Theo fixing his tie in the mirror. Theo quickly noticed Bruce, and turned to smile at him. "Bruce! What a pleasure."

"Hello, sir." Bruce said. "Is Silver here?"

Theo did a mental fist pump. "She's upstairs. She seemed rather upset."

Bruce's eyes went down. "Yes, a friend of mine arrived at the house while Silver was there. She-"

Theo froze. "Wait, a friend? What was this friend's name?"

"Selina?"

"She's a girl?"

"Yes."

"Is she gay?"

"I never asked. Do... you think she is?"

"Yes, I do. And you should never ever see her again because she will never love you."

"That could be deemed offensive by a lot of people."

There were footsteps down the spiral staircase as Silver St. Cloud peered out from behind the stairs, and Theo took his cue to take off, leaving the two pubescent teenagers together alone.

"I knew you'd come." Silver smiled, looking down at Bruce from the staircase. "Selina was so mean to me."

She then ran down the stairs and into Bruce's arms, as he stood still, not knowing what to do or say as Silver wrapped her arms around him and cried on his shoulder, rubbing her entire body against him and stroking his back with her hands, making him turn very red. Theo meanwhile, watching through a peephole in the door, fist-pumped and prepared the twenty dollar bill he was going to give his niece later.

Yeah, went a little overboard with BatCat. I went a little crazy after that episode. Coming up soon, what should have happened to Butch Gilzean, how Penguin really should've went about his plan, and Silver St. Cloud's big comeuppance.