Hi, I really hope you guys don't care how long these things are. Some of the episodes are packed with everything, and some of them are just about catching one bad guy, and how they manage to fit them into equal length episodes, I still don't know, but I'm just warning you. The Son of Gotham was a pretty packed episode.
The cast of Fox's Gotham was lazing around in the script reading room, playing around. The door was wide open, since they knew Jack was going to come, possibly with his girlfriend, and the cast was okay with it. There was only a certain amount of anger you could have towards a person before it turned into mild annoyance.
Ben and Donal were throwing a ball back and forth across the room. Erin was checking her social media, and tweeting, "In the studio chilling, want a mocha." David was casually flirting with his new girlfriend from ComicCon, Nova, who was shooting jealous glares at Natalie Alyn Lind. Just to make it more sinister, Robin Lord Taylor had given Nova his cat for the weekend, and she was stroking it sinisterly in her lap.
"Hey, guys?" Camren asked. "I don't think Bruno is going to show up. Should we just start this ourselves?"
Morena shrugged. "I guess. Okay, Ben starts."
"The door is open? I'm flattered." Jack grinned, riding on Harley's shoulders as the two of them slinked into the room. "You've given up trying to keep me out? Oh, hi, Nova. If you wouldn't mind, this is a place of business, so I'm going to have to ask you and your cat to leave for the time being."
Nova growled and glared at Natalie. After, she picked up Robin's cat and kissed David on the cheek, walking out of the room and back to the car.
"Nice girl you've got there." Harley smiled at David.
Jack shrugged and said, "Okay, now this episode is called, 'The Son of Gotham," so I want you all to imagine your characters as- okay, who cares. Harley will give you your scripts, and we start with some Asian lady in an – yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you guys about your use of Asian characters, 'cause that could be deemed offensive by some people. Anyway, the Asian lady's in the alley..."
"A woman is being chased down a dark alley by a criminal, the scum of Gotham's nefarious underbelly. There's a rock beneath her foot, and she trips, stumbling down on the floor with a pained crack in her knee, marking the end of her ability to fight back. Like a vulture, the criminal grabs the woman's purse when she's at her weakest and holds up a knife, malice in his eyes.
"'Please, don't hurt me!' The woman cries, barely audible over her hysteric sobbing.
"The criminal laughs in her face and stares into the shiny knife, looking at his slick reflection in the metal. Then, there's a whooshing sound on the rooftops of the alley, almost like bat wings. Out of nowhere, the criminal is snatched backwards into an alley by a dark figure, that the woman barely makes out to be wearing a black cape and a cowl over his head, with two pointed ears on his head. She knows not what she just witnessed, but surprisingly, on the walk home, she feels just a little bit safer on the streets of Gotham."
"Okay, that is not how it happened." the brown hooded monk growled at his friend, clutching the shoulders of the newly caught criminal.
"Yeah it is!" the black hooded monk grinned. "I was a hero! Someone should do that someday."
"There is no someday because we're trying to destroy this city, doofus!" the brown hooded monk sighed. "And how do you know this guy is a descendant of the Kane family?"
"What?"
The brown hooded monk had trained his body not to feel physical pain, but his friend's stupidity was giving him a serious headache. "The richest families that created Gotham? We're supposed to get one of each. You know, the Waynes? The Crowns? The Kanes?!"
"Ohhhh, the Kane family! Okay, I thought you meant cane family."
"Wait, what does that even mean?"
"Well, I scoped out this guy's house and he had a bunch of canes in his house that were in a vase, so I assumed they were a family of canes, and he owns them, so I thought we could-"
The brown hooded monk massaged his forehead much harder than a normal person would, and the criminal who had a vase in his house full of canes ran away to his precious cane collection, and his roommate, whose name was Richard Kane.
(SHOT OF SKYLINE)
"Officer Gordon. Forget your umbrella?" Theo Galavan smirked. "I thought visiting hours were over. But what are rules to the man who arrested the mayor of Gotham?"
Jim didn't say anything. All he did was sit down and stare the madman in the face, studying his evil glare.
"Are you going to tell me why you're here, or are we just going to stare at each other?"
Still nothing. Jim didn't want to say anything more to the psychopath than he absolutely needed to.
"Okay, you're really creeping me out now. I like girls, by the way." Theo said.
Jim started to realize how creepy he was being and started to talk. "Eduardo Flamingo killed an officer. Does her name mean anything to you?"
Theo shrugged. "What was the name?"
"... That's not important." Jim growled.
"Come on, don't tell me you don't know the-"
"I'll see you in court, where you'll be put away for ten years. Gordon out!"
(GOTHAM – dunh-dunh dunh-dunh dunh-duhhhhhhhhh)
"This isn't going to work." Selina sighed, staring out over the school she would never step foot in. "This girl is a world-class liar from a family of world-class liars. She'll see through you, or her uncle will."
Bruce, standing beside her, looked down at the grass he was standing on. "That's very possible."
"And...?" Selina waited for a reaction. Deep down, she wondered what was wrong with that kid. "They're only playing nice with you because they think you trust them. Once they see you don't, it'll get ugly."
"Your logic is flawless, Selina." Bruce said.
"Okay, I can only take so much dorkiness from one person. You're wearing that uniform, and you're acting all macho, and I can only take one of them, so either drop the act, or take off your clothes. I'm good either way. And don't pretend you're not comfortable with that. I watch through the window of your room when Silver comes over."
Bruce looked over at Selina, a bit scared. "You saw our last movie night?"
"Actually, I just made that up to freak you out, but now that we're on the subject, we're going to revisit this movie night thing later."
Bruce looked back at the school and noticed Silver St. Cloud's uncharacteristically though realistically black car driving through the crowded street with the driver honking his horn telling kids to get out of the way, while the school band played her in.
"That's Silver's car." Bruce said. "You'd better-" he looked over to his side and found he was talking to nobody. His attention went back over to Silver across the street, who was holding up a middle finger in his direction. Bruce was scared momentarily that she was aware of his suspicion, but soon realized he was standing behind a tree and out of Silver's line of vision. He looked around for a second, wondering what Silver was flipping off, and found Selina at the top of a tree, sticking her tongue out at Silver and doing other inappropriate though equally rude things directed at Silver. Eventually, Silver ran out of rude gestures to share with Selina that she could do in public, and ran into the school at the time Selina was about to show her a full moon. Bruce ran in after her to get to class.
(SHOT OF SKYLINE)
"Alvarez, call the morgue." Jim said, walking through the precinct. "See if any bodies showed up matching Gertrude Cobblepot. She's not missing. Galavan killed her."
"Since when are you my boss?" Alvarez asked.
Jim shot Alvarez a dirty look, just intimidating enough to get him to check the morgue for Gertrude Cobblepot's body. After, Jim went up the stairs to the balcony to meet his partner Bullock. Detective Bullock was at his work desk shuffling some files and pretending to do work.
"Turn up anything from the symbol we found at the penthouse?" Jim asked.
Bullock shook his head. "Nah, I'm waiting on Father Mike up at St. Bart's. Sent him the cassock too, he's into all that religious mumbo-jumbo. What exactly are we after here?"
"You really started an investigation without knowing what you were looking for?"
"I'm not getting paid for the inquiry, Jim." Bullock kept looking through the files. "You want someone interested, go tell that egg-head Barnes. That guy's noggin is gigantic and it sure as hell isn't filled with thoughts." Bullock started laughing, and Jim sighed.
"Bullock, you shouldn't-"
"Aw come on! Don't worry, he's gone. We can smile at work again. You'd think that he could do something at work other than write stuff and yell, 'LAW IS GOOD AND CRIME IS BAD, ARGHHHHHHAAAAA,'"
"He's behind you." Jim said sheepishly, as Bullock turned around and saw the scowling face of Captain Barnes staring him in the face.
"Aw, come on." Bullock growled, picking up his gluten-free recipes and pretending they were police files.
Barnes was walking with a cane to aid his newly stabbed leg. His attitude hadn't changed though, as he turned to Jim and said, "I got something for you. Munis found a dead body down by the port – throat cut from ear to ear. The vic's a career dirtbag, but work's the same."
That did not make Jim happy. "Sir, if it's all the same, I'd like to stay on Galavan."
Barnes sighed, "Jim, I've been meaning to talk to you about your work ethic. I looked through your file. Remember when you started here, you were on the Wayne murders case, and you blew off every single case you had while you investigated?"
"That was complicated, sir."
"And remember when you were so hell-bent on taking down the Maniax that you blew off every case for a month?"
"What about it?"
"What I'm saying is... Detective Alvarez has been on screen this season for exactly thirteen seconds, and he's already done more actual police work than you. Seriously, he tracked down and found Aaron Helzinger, he's investigating Gertrude Cobblepot's disappearance, he single-handedly stopped the return of Fish Mooney and her army of crocodile men, and all you've done so far is get Barbara to Arkham, and even that wasn't handled particularly well."
"I caught that Zaardon guy from before!" Jim whined.
Barnes made an uncomfortable groaning sound. "Actually, he died two minutes after he entered Arkham, so consider that a fail. Investigate the perp, no Galavan, understand?"
"Yes, cap." Jim sighed with a sad whimper in his voice. When Barnes hobbled away into his office and shut the door, Bullock came back up to Jim and smiled.
"Yo, Jim! Got a lead from Father Mike. That symbol is from something called the Order of St. Dumb-ass, or at least it was spelled that way. They used to have an abbey downtown."
Jim looked up at Bullock sadly. "Barnes said I don't focus enough and I need to complete an actual case."
"Oh." said Bullock, a bit surprised. "So we're not going to the Chinese Slap-Slap joint?"
"No, we're totally going."
"Let's go get lucky!"
(SHOT OF SKYLINE)
"Your uncle made me an offer," Bruce said, sitting on the park bench next to Silver. "The name of my parent's killer in exchange for my shares of Wayne Enterprises. I said no, but circumstances have changed."
"You're going to sell?" Silver asked.
Meanwhile, at the top of an overlooking tree, Selina sat herself comfortably between the boughs and was watching the conversation, making sure nothing went wrong. She didn't know what Silver was capable of yet.
"No." Bruce sighed.
Silver looked confused, "Well then-"
"Your uncle was arrested and his assets were frozen. Tell him I'll pay for his defense and in exchange, he gives me the name."
Selina looked proudly over Bruce. It was going well. He was doing exactly what she told him to do, and it was going to be hard to screw it up at that point. From where she was, Silver looked genuinely moved. As the conversation went on, there was a pain in Silver's eyes that Selina looked upon with relish. Then, suddenly, someone from behind touched Selina's shoulder, and she darted around to find Ivy Pepper sitting in the tree with her.
"Ivy?" Selina asked. "What are you doing here?"
"You're not the only one who gets to stalk Bruce while he's wearing his cute tie." Ivy said. "Who's he talking to? I thought you already called dibs."
"Ivy, beat it! You're going to ruin the plan!"
"What plan? Is it to get Bruce some friends who are guys? Because hanging out with just girls is not healthy for a young boy like that."
"Ivy, I'm serious. We're in the middle of a complicated plan here, so keep your voice down."
"Hey, wait, I know her!" Ivy beamed, looking down at Bruce and Silver. "That's Silver St. Cloud. She's rich and powerful and super hot. Ha! Have fun competing with that. Hi, Silver!"
Silver's brow twitched, and she would've looked up and ruined the plan if Bruce hadn't done some quick thinking and smashed his lips onto hers. Silver's eyes widened in surprise, but soon returned to normal as she returned the kiss. She was still curious as to who called her name though, and her head tilted to the side to look around. Bruce, seriously panicking at the moment, pushed her on her back and caressed her arm with his hand, kissing her even more heatedly. The two of them eventually rolled off the bench and onto the ground, where they made out with each other and Silver forgot about the voice calling her name.
Back in the tree, Ivy patted Selina's head in sympathy, said, "I'm sorry for your loss of that kid, but let me know if he's available again." and jumped off the tree bough back onto the ground, disappearing into the forest. Selina, meanwhile, was stuck watching uncomfortably as the two made out on the ground.
For a second, Silver's mouth lifted off of Bruce's when she breathed, "I'll call you after I talk to him." Bruce attempted to get off of her, but Silver was not done, jumping back on the poor boy and licking the inside of his mouth, running her fingers through his hair and making Selina wonder what kind of frack-job school allowed this.
(IT'S GOIN' UP, I'M YELLIN' SKYLINE...)
Bullock and Jim walked up reluctantly to the old Chinese massage parlor that actually performed very little massaging, if you know what I mean. Jim sighed in exasperation and looked over to his partner.
"Bullock, are you sure this is the place?" Jim asked.
Bullock shrugged. "Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't 56th street? Sorry, my bad, but as long as we're here, I guess we can-"
There was a loud scream from inside the parlor, and a bunch of half-naked Asian women ran outside screaming and crying. Jim reached for his gun. "Hey, Harvey, you were right after all! Good job, buddy."
"Goddammit." Bullock growled, reaching for his gun and running after his partner. Inside the parlor, Jim carefully stalked the inside, his eyes landing on the body of an old Chinese man with a slit on his throat, exactly the same as the victim from before. Jim looked around himself warily, scanning for whoever killed the man when suddenly, he was thrown into the wall and fell through to the other side, a monk in a black hood standing over him. The hooded man was holding a knife and was about to strike, and Jim had no choice. He had to fight.
Meanwhile, Bullock was investigating the other wing of the parlor and found a steam massage chair in the corner. He shrugged off the mission, jumped in the chair, and put on headphones to listen to music, completely oblivious to the sounds of pained grunting and crashing in the other wing as Jim fought the monk.
Finally, the fight had forced Jim and the monk outside, where Jim had found his handgun and was aiming it straight at the monk. He was cornered, but still with a knife in hand.
"Drop the knife!" Jim yelled, cocking his gun.
The monk was unfazed. "The day of reckoning is at hand. The blood of the nine shall wash away the sin."
"Who are you? What's your connection to Galavan?"
In the distance, Jim could hear a car coming closer just as the monk stepped out onto the street. "And Gotham will be cleansed," the monk sneered, dropping the knife on the ground and standing completely still.
The car came by on the street and came to a complete stop right in front of the monk. The driver rolled down the window and scowled, "Hey, stupid hippie! Get off the road!" The driver honked his horn and shouted a stream of profanities before finally turning to Jim. "Is he your friend?"
Jim sighed, "Oh no, I'm trying to arrest this guy."
"You're a cop?!" The driver yelped. Faster than any mortal man had ever done anything, the driver ran the monk over and drove away as fast as his car allowed him, yelling "You'll never catch me, copper!"
(ENILYKS FO TOHS)
The school bell rang, and Bruce started down the stairs at the front of the school with the other kids. He was halfway down the stairs when his cell phone vibrated, and he saw it was Silver St. Cloud. He picked up the phone and stood in the middle of the stairs to hold his conversation, while the kids trying to walk around him gave him dirty looks.
"Bruce, it's Silver. I just saw my uncle. He agreed to your deal. Meet me across the way after school."
Bruce looked over at his car waiting across the street. Alfred was standing at the car holding a pair of Bruce's running shoes and smirking evilly. Well, Bruce wasn't falling for that one a second time. He snuck around the trees so Alfred wouldn't see him and found the street where Silver said she was going to be.
Instead, he was treated to the sight of Silver St. Cloud, with a gag in her mouth and her hands tied behind her back, being stuffed in a van. The driver of the van was an old man with a white goatee and a black suit.
In his thick Italian accent, the man said, "Don't scream. Don't run. Just get in, or we kill the girl."
Despite the warnings of a sobbing blonde debutante, Bruce got in the van and the man drove off out of town. Meanwhile, a teacher in the teacher's lounge who had just witnessed an old man with a pedo-beard kidnapping a little girl and a pre-pubescent boy went back to drinking his coffee. It was Gotham city, after all.
(DECK THE HALLS WITH SHOTS OF SKYLINE, FA-LA-LA-LA-LA)
Ed was sitting at his work desk filing some papers when his cell phone rang. Of course, it was his house guest, Oswald Cobblepot, with another question on how to operate the toilet.
"Again? Did you try jiggling the handle?" Ed asked, in a loud whisper as to not let anyone know he was housing Gotham's most wanted criminal. "Well, what did you put down it?"
"I'll take care of it, just... where did you put the plunger?" Penguin sighed.
Ed thought for a while. "I have two wings and a mouth, but do not eat or fly. What am I?"
"You know what, maybe this is why you have no friends. I mean, if no one can understand you, how do you expect people to talk to you?"
"I'm just really busy with work. Can't you just find something to do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you think it's easy being a stay-at-home convict? I have to cook, and clean, and take care of the house, and you're out all day long at the GCPD at work, and I worry about you, you know? You're always so stressed and you're gone all day! I miss you."
Ed took a deep breath. "It's okay. How about I make reservations at Chez Parnes later tonight? We'll spend some quality time together."
"Okay."
"Hey, Ed." Lee smiled, walking up to his desk with some files. Ed quickly shut off his phone and hid it in the corner of his desk, not wanting her to see who he was talking to. Lee ignored it. "This is the autopsy on the dead monk, Jim wants you to run toxicology."
Ed took the files and quickly skimmed through them. "Thank you, Doctor. Is that all?"
"Yes." Lee smiled, turning away, but soon remembering a question that had been lingering in her mind for a while. "No. Was that Kristen you were talking to? It sounded like you were talking to someone in your apartment, and who besides –"
"I was talking to my plumber." Ed said quickly.
Lee hesitantly said, "Oh. Well have you heard from Kristen? I know she said she was sick, I was thinking of stopping by-"
"As it happens, she lied to us. She went out of town with Officer Dougherty. And one of Galavan's executives named Leonard and some random camper from the woods, so that should explain all their disappearances. It does, right?"
Lee shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. I don't know who Leonard is, but he sounds like a fun dude." She walked off back to her lab, leaving Ed to go back to his work. He didn't go far when his phone vibrated again and he picked it up, finding it was Penguin again.
"Ed?" Penguin asked meekly. "We're the city's best bromance, right?"
Ed thought for a bit. "I don't know. Jim and Bullock have some pretty shippable moments."
"Ed?!"
Ed sighed, "Yep, we're the city's best bromance."
"Yes!"
(SHOT OF SKYLINE)
Bruce woke up in an abandoned warehouse, with his hands tied behind his back. Silver was tied up in a chair beside him, also tied up and sobbing erratically. While he was unconscious, he heard the men that kidnapped them coming in and heard the leader being called the Knife.
"Silver, are you okay?" Bruce whispered. "What happened-"
Then, the Knife walked in. He towered over them with a knife in his hand, sneering a sickening grin as he stared over his helpless victims.
Bruce scowled, "You have one chance. You let us go, or-" was all he had time to say before the Knife drew back his hand and struck Bruce across the face, making Silver whimper in fear.
"You talk when I tell you." The Knife growled, quickly turning back to his sinisterly cheerful demeanor. "Now, just so you know, we are currently in one of Gotham's rentable abandoned warehouses, perfect for all your supervillain torturing and murdering needs." The Knife turned to face the camera and smiled, "Rent a warehouse for three months, and get the first month free! KnifeCo. –renting abandoned warehouses to supervillains since 1895."
"You work for the people inside Wayne Enterprises." Bruce said. "Whatever they're paying you, I can-"
Once again, Bruce was slapped across the face, and the Knife groaned, "Can you not follow instructions? Let me guess. Your teachers hate you? Now, my source tells me you are thinking of selling your company shares to the uncle of this one?" the Knife circled his finger over the terrified-looking Silver. "That's not good, but not why we're here. The issue is someone's been nosing into the deaths of Thomas... and poor Martha Wayne. I wonder who? Hmmm... kidding. We know it was blondie's uncle." The Knife's pointed mouth curled into an evil grin. "So, I've been tasked to find out what dear old Uncle told little Bruce Wayne."
"Nothing." Bruce growled. "Galavan didn't tell me anything."
The Knife gave Bruce an angry growl. Bruce took the cue, slid his hand out of his bindings, slapped himself with it, and slid it back into the rope.
"Okay, in a minute, I'm going to drag one of you into the back and start cutting off your fingers." The Knife sneered. "So unless you're really into wearing mittens, this is your last chance. What does Galavan know?"
"He knows a lot of things." Bruce said. "He knows that goatees are out of fashion, unlike some people."
"I'm going to enjoy cutting your fingers off the most." The Knife smiled, and dragged Bruce's chair out towards the door to the soundtrack of two pleading and crying children.
"No, wait! Stop!" Bruce yelled, his brave face now gone. "Silver, please. You have to tell him, I'll keep my end of the deal, I promise."
Silver knew she would break Bruce, but there was no other choice. "He didn't tell me anything. I was supposed to keep you busy until this afternoon."
"What? This can't be true!"
"It's true. There's lipstick and perfume in my backpack. It's your favorite scent, and I have tickets to your favorite band."
"Which band?"
"Against the Current."
"MY FAVORITE BAND IS THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS!"
Then, the Knife dragged Bruce into the back room, where there were some sounds of fingers being snipped off.
(SHOT OF SKYLINE)
"Just when you think Gotham's shown you her last jewel, she reveals herself like a flower." Bullock sighed, clambering down the ladder into the sewers after the eager Jim Gordon.
"That metaphor doesn't even make sense." Jim growled, putting his feet down into the sewage with a disgusted face.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to come up with a quip?"
"No."
Jim and Bullock wandered down the sewer, following the clues from their files and what Father Mike had told them. The clues lead them to an open area of the sewer that shouldn't have been there, where a pedestal stood and a dead corpse lay at the foot of it with a cross of blood drawn on his forehead. Bullock came closer to investigate, and he found that the dead person was the perp from before that Barnes mentioned.
Suddenly, a monk came from behind and tackled Bullock, jumping on him. Out of pure instinct, Bullock, turned and threw the monk into the nearby pillar, making it crumble and knocking out the monk.
As the ceiling began to crumble, Bullock turned up and pleaded for it to stay up, while Jim kneeled down to look over the unconscious monk.
"He needs an ambulance." Jim said.
Bullock sighed, "I'll call, but there's no signal down here. I'll have to go up."
"Ha ha, oh no you're not." Jim laughed. "Last time we did this, you ditched me in a sewer for six hours while you went to get hot dogs with Ed. This time, I'm going upside, and you're watching the monk. We're not having a repeat of the great Selina Kyle Sewer incident."
"Well why did she have a pen?" Bullock asked.
"It was your pen."
"What?!"
Jim grinned a bit. "And she dropped it in the sewer."
"WHAT?!"
(SHOT OF SKYLINE)
"Well, if nothing else, today has given me a newfound respect for billionaire boys." The Knife grinned, cleaning his blade with a cloth. He walked back into the room with the tied up Silver, who started quietly sobbing after Bruce's screams faded away. What could that maniac possibly have done to poor Bruce?
"Did you kill him?" Silver asked, her voice a trembling whisper.
The Knife smirked. "Well, after I cut off his fingers, I shaved his head, I gave him an atomic wedgie, and I plucked his one armpit hair. That got him crying."
"The cute one?!"
"He only had one armpit hair. There was this speck of dust under his left arm, but I brushed it off."
"That was the other one!"
"Oh. That was not intentional. If I get arrested for this, I'm only guilty for one. Anyway, I don't like you. The Wayne kid, he had some sap. He didn't cry one bit, total pro. Also, everyone's totally wrong about his pecs, they are huge, and I'm not just saying this to get a tip. But arbitrarily hating you will prevent people from thinking I'm a pedophile. Anyway, come on. Off go your fingers."
It was up. Silver had to do whatever she needed to get out, even if it meant dropping her act. Almost immediately, her tears disappeared, and she scowled, "Touch me, and my uncle with have you gutted. Everyone you love will die screaming!"
The Knife laughed, "Oh no! Not both my cats!"
"Are you deaf as well as ugly?" Silver growled. "Now untie my hands. There's a certain gesture I want to share with you."
"Well, I don't know who your uncle is. For all I know, he could be a mattress salesman, so I'm just gonna start cutting your fingers off. I'll leave your thumb so you can tell me if you're enjoying it, and your middle finger so you can tell me if you're not."
The Knife cut off the rope that was binding Silver's hand to the back of the chair and grabbed her hand, holding a knife up to her pinky just deep enough to cut the skin.
"Stop!" Silver screamed. "I'll tell you the name! It's Ether."
The Knife stopped to think. "That's a pretty common name."
"His first name starts with I. That's all I know, I swear."
The Knife grinned. "You know what? I believe you." He turned his head to the back and yelled, "Are we good?!"
Silver's eyes grew wide as she saw Bruce, completely fine with all his fingers still on his hands, walking into the room next to Selina Kyle. Bruce said, "Yes, we're good."
Selina sneered at the sight of the girl that had scorned her, tied up in a chair. "Remember me? The gutter trash?"
Bruce turned to the Knife and handed him a wad of cash. The Knife smiled, "Pleasure doing business with you. Sorry about the slaps."
"Don't be. I kind of liked it." Bruce smiled.
"You need professional help." The Knife took his henchmen and walked out of the room, on his way to buy a new sofa for his living room.
Silver stuttered confused. "Bruce, what's happening?"
"What does it look like, dummy?" Selina smirked. "We tricked you."
"You must have a million questions." Bruce said. "Allow me to tell you what happened with this flashback."
Approximately 24 hours ago...
Bruce and Selina were sitting in the study of Wayne manor, thinking about Silver and what to do now that they both knew her evil plan.
"Okay, what about this?" Selina suggested. "We pretend to be her uncle on the phone and ask her what the name is. Good plan, right?"
Bruce shook his head. "It's 1993, Selina. We have caller ID now."
"Dang it." Selina cursed, going back to thinking. "Well, she's not going to say anything to us, so we need someone else. Someone threatening and able to get stuff out of people. You don't have any threatening uncles, do you?"
"Nope. Uncle Larry lives in an RV and has a foot fetish. Remind me not to visit him."
Selina sighed. "Well, when is the Italian food going to get here? I ordered an hour ago!"
"Well, when they asked you who you were, you said you were Martha Wayne. That might have something to do with the delay."
"Well that's who the membership card is signed out to!"
The doorbell rang, and Selina smirked. "I'll go get the food, and you keep thinking about who we can use to get the name off Silver." Selina jumped up, walked to the door and opened it, finding a man with a goatee holding the bags of Italian food she ordered. Selina immediately smiled at him and asked, "How'd you like to make fifty bucks?"
Back to Bruce, Selina, and Silver in the room...
"I assumed Selina was going to have him deliver food to you and make you fill out a survey, but when she told me about this plan, I found it much more satisfying." Bruce said.
Silver pleaded, "Bruce, I don't-"
"Be quiet." Bruce interrupted.
"But you don't-"
"Talk to the hand."
"If you'd just let me finish-"
"That's what she said. Come on, Selina. Let's go."
"Wait!" Silver reached out to Bruce, making him momentarily stop and turn around. "Wouldn't you want to know the killer's first name? It's Ierm."
"Ierm?"
"Yes. Ierm Ether."
"God dangit, Silver!" Bruce yelled. "Just tell me what you know!"
"I won't tell you anything about the Order of St. Dumas!"
Selina's eyebrow perked. "The Order of St. Dumas?"
Silver clasped her hands over her mouth. "I won't tell you anything else about Uncle bribing Mayor James!"
Bruce and Selina looked over at each other grinning, and walked away to go tell the cops about the Order of St. Dumas, while Silver was left behind screaming, "Bruce! Don't leave me alone! Bruce! How am I supposed to get back to the city?!"
Bruce threw a pair of running shoes at her. She didn't get the joke, but Bruce and Selina were both there when that happened first, and were on the ground snickering.
(SHOT OF SKYLINE)
After calling an ambulance for the monk, Jim went back down to the sewer to see what Bullock was up to. Apparently, the monk had woken up weak and delirious, and thought that Bullock was a fellow monk. Of course, Bullock was smart enough to play along to get information out of him.
"The blood of nine shall wash away the sin." The monk groaned. "I fulfilled my task, Brother. All we need now is the son."
"Yes." Bullock guessed. "I know who that is. But... why don't you tell me who it is so that I know that you know?"
The monk gasped, "Give me the blessing."
Bullock thought for a while what that was, then Jim gave him the hand signal of cutting his palm. Bullock whisper-yelled, "Aw, hell no!" and thought more. Finally, an idea popped into his head, and he started to unzip his pants.
"Bullock," Jim whisper-growled. "What are you doing?!"
"I'm giving him the blessing!"
"You're going to pee on his forehead?"
"Do you have a better idea?!"
Jim looked around, and finally took his water bottle out of his pocket, warm from his body heat. Jim opened it a bit and splashed a little water on the monk's forehead, shooting Bullock a look. Bullock returned the scowl and zipped his pants back up.
The monk sighed in relief and said, "The son of Gotham will die, and the city shall be cleansed."
Bullock nodded. "Yes. Now, if you were to name this son of Gotham, or maybe we can play twenty questions...? Okay, is he Detective Harvey Bullock?"
"No."
Bullock silently fist-pumped, and went back to questioning when he heard a cop coming down the stairs into the sewer yelling cop orders, which aroused the monk's suspicion.
"Who is that?"
Bullock struggled to find an excuse. "Umm... that's the pizza guy. We have a large ham and-"
"Ha!" The monk yelled. "The Order of St. Dumas are vegetarians!"
Bullock grimaced in disbelief. "You were just talking about killing the son of Gotham!"
"We're not going to eat him." The monk sassed, as a cop tased him in the face and dragged his body to the hospital.
(SHOT-IZZLE OF SKYL-IZZLE)
Alfred Pennyworth, worried sick about the person he was supposed to protect and walking headlong into danger, had recently found Tabitha Galavan in her penthouse. Right away, he knew she had something to do with Bruce's disappearance. The two were locked in a heated conversation.
"He's not at home, he's not at school, my guess is he's with that snotty niece of yours."
"Come to think of it, I did see Silver drop a receipt for some condoms. Have fun looking."
"I see you're a bit of a player. As it were, Tabby, big bad Galavan barks orders and you run around bringing home dead rabbits because you're insecure with yourself and your social skills, so you follow around your brother because he's the only person you feel secure around and over-sexualize yourself to make yourself feel like you have some kind of power over anything, but really you're just a little girl looking for a way to make friends but doesn't know how because the only person you will open yourself to is too overbearing and does not let you be vulnerable to anyone else."
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
The doorbell rang, and the Knife (who was back to his day job as an Italian food delivery guy) walked into the penthouse with a bag of Italian food, saying, "Hiya, Tabs, that'll be $8.99."
(LINE SKY OF SHOT)
In the court room, Captain Barnes was waiting in the jury impatiently for Jim to show up. The case had already started, with Aubrey James testifying against Theo Galavan. The judge sat at the podium and waited for the jury to quiet down before continuing. It started with Harvey Dent questioning his client.
"Mr. James, if you could begin by telling these people where you spent the month of October?" asked Harvey Dent.
The case was stopped when Jim Gordon stumbled into the room with Harvey Bullock, except Bullock was holding a bag of popcorn and wearing a baseball cap that said, "GO TEAM JAMES." He stumbled in and dropped popcorn on the floor as everyone stared at him, bewildered.
"Sorry, I had a thing." Bullock stuttered. "There's a guy in the front of the building selling James vs. Galavan merch. I didn't know if it was illegal or not, so... Don't mind me, just go on with your trial. The popcorn's good, you guys should try it."
Jim sat down with Barnes, trying to ignore his bumbling partner spilling popcorn on everyone. Bullock sat down next to Jim and said, "Okay, you can start again."
Mayor James took a deep breath and said out loud for everyone to hear, "Theo Galavan did not kidnap me."
The entire court gasped. One woman fainted. Theo grinned evilly and Bullock stopped the entire thing by yelling, "STOP!" everyone in the court turned to look at him. Bullock dropped his popcorn on the ground and calmly said, "Wait one second." Everyone waited as he left the room. Two minutes had passed, and finally, Bullock came back in completely the same, except he had ditched the "GO TEAM JAMES" baseball cap, and was now wearing a "GO TEAM GALAVAN" cap, complete with a Theo Galavan bobble-head. He sat back down next to Jim and calmly smiled, "You may proceed."
Mayor James sighed sadly, "Theo Galavan did not kidnap me. Oswald Cobblepot did. He hates Theo Galavan. He threatened me with terrible things."
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" a voice yelled from behind everyone. The entire room turned to find a little boy named Bruce Wayne and a little girl named Selina Kyle walking into the room, dragging Silver St. Cloud behind them in handcuffs.
"Who are you kids – who keeps letting these people in here?!" the judge complained.
"THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!" Selina yelled.
Bruce tried to calm her down and sighed, "Sorry, she watches too much reality TV. Anyway, Aubrey James is lying! We have a known associate of Theo Galavan's who says he kidnapped Mayor James."
Silver waved sheepishly to her uncle, who slapped his forehead as he felt his case slipping away.
Theo stood up and yelled, "Why should we believe a bunch of kids?"
"Why not?" Selina asked. "We already made an elf our mayor."
The entire court rumbled in excitement as everyone muttered their own variations of "Ohhhh, SNAP!" and "You done got roasted!" and "Do Bullock next!"
Theo Galavan lost his temper. Besides, he could still execute his plan with everyone in the room dead. He grabbed the gun that he smuggled into the courtroom and started shooting people left and right, lashing out in a frenzy of acrobatic fury. Everyone thought they were going to die. Then...
Bam! The ceiling exploded, and the court's eyes widened as they were treated to an epic three-way battle between Tabitha Galavan, Alfred Pennyworth, and the Knife. As the three fell through the air, they wrestled with each other trying to get the other ones to land on the ground. Tabitha finally landed on her feet on the ground, along with the Knife. Alfred flipped off the wall and skidded along the floor until he was at the base of the podium.
"I'll ask you one more time. Where's Master Bruce?!" Alfred yelled at Tabitha.
"I have no idea." Tabitha smirked, pulling her whip back out.
"I just need $8.99!" the Knife growled, pulling two daggers out of his coat. Once more, the three charged at each other and were locked in epic combat. Meanwhile, Silver used the distraction and elbowed Selina in the stomach and kicked Bruce in the nuts, expertly wriggling her handcuffs off and trying to run away. Selina jumped on her, and so began the epic fight between Silver, and Bruce and Selina. Chaos erupted in the room, and suddenly, Jim remembered Theo Galavan was there. Theo was still shooting down civilians left and right, and it was up to Jim and Captain Barnes to stop him. Meanwhile, Bullock was noshing on his popcorn and enjoying the best four bucks he'd ever spent.
Jim grabbed Theo's gun and threw it across the room, bringing his fist over and trying to punch Theo in the face. Theo was too experienced to let that happen. He grabbed Jim's arm and flipped him on his back. Barnes tried to assist with a gun, but Theo tripped Barnes onto the ground and stepped on his gun. Jim groaned and got up, staring Theo in the cold, evil eyes.
"We have a very small window." Theo grinned. "I have places to be and you have to die, but I imagine you have questions, so..."
"The monks?" Jim asked.
Theo nodded. "Shall I tell you a secret? Theo Galavan is a mask. My real name is Dumas, and my family built this city out of nothing, but we were betrayed, our legacy erased."
"Why are you telling me your evil plan when there's a chance I could escape?!" Jim yelled.
Theo scowled, "Because it sounds epic and you're going to die! I've literally talked about this plan like two million times, I'm surprised it hasn't slipped out before this. Literally everyone knows what my plan is. Barbara, Penguin, Butch, Tabby, Barnes,"
"Wait, who?"
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU SO HARD!"
Meanwhile, Silver was showing off her surprisingly good fighting skills against Bruce and Selina. Bruce tried to come at her, but Silver kicked him in the face and slid under him, bringing him to the floor. Selina snaked up onto Silver's shoulders, trying to put her in a chokehold. Silver stumbled backwards, making Selina crash into the podium. Selina was still hanging on, and flipped herself so Silver went flying into a rack of chairs.
"What are you even mad about?!" Silver yelled to Bruce. "Technically, I didn't break any laws."
"You pretended to be my friend!"
"Really? You're mad about that? Ninety percent of teenagers in school have to deal with fake friends, and they don't send fake assassins after them. Haven't you seen Mean Girls?!"
Across the room, Tabitha was on Alfred's shoulders with her whip around his neck. Alfred fell over and flipped himself so he landed on Tabitha and punched her once she was on the ground. The Knife tackled the both of them, throwing them into a window and back onto the podium. The two rolled away quick enough to avoid being crushed by the falling podium.
"Master Bruce really was with your niece." Alfred growled. "You are going to pay for lying to me!"
Tabitha screamed, "You have no right to be in this!"
"I still need $8.99!" The Knife whined, bringing his dagger down on Tabitha and barely missing her forehead.
Silver was tackled across the room by Bruce. Jim slid across the floor after taking a right hook from Theo. Tabitha did a backflip over a chair to avoid Alfred's gunshot, and by the end, all the civilians had run away or were dead. Jim, Barnes, Alfred, Bruce, Selina, and the Knife were standing on one side of the room, all with their battle wounds and weapons. Theo, Tabitha, and Silver were on the other side, all ready to fight.
"You think you can beat the Order of St. Dumas?" Theo smirked.
"We won't let you win." Jim growled.
"Wait, who the hell are these kids?" Barnes asked, noticing Bruce and Selina with their respective gauntlets and whip, staring down Silver St. Cloud.
Theo laughed. "Silver? Tabitha? Get ready to kick their-"
In less than a second, the back doors burst open, and with a gust of wind, Penguin and Ed jumped in with their machine guns and pressed on the trigger, a torrent of bullets raining down on Theo, Tabitha, and Silver. Tabitha grabbed Silver and jumped out the window, but Theo was extremely dead after the first few seconds of gunfire. Penguin and Ed continued to fire for five, ten, fifteen seconds...
"Umm... Penguin?" Jim said. "I think they're-"
Penguin didn't hear. He and Ed were laughing over the sounds of their machine guns firing.
"Ed, they're dead. You can-" is what Selina tried to say. Ed didn't hear, since he was taking a selfies with Penguin while firing their machine guns at the dead bad guys.
"Penguin! Ed! They're dead already!" Bullock yelled. The machine guns had been firing for two and a half minutes straight, but Penguin and Ed were still going as they were discussing their dinner plans.
"I don't think they can hear us." Bruce said, approximately at the same time Penguin and Ed found out that they could make their guns shoot at different volumes, and were playing 'The Girl From Ipanema' on their machine guns, never abandoning the aim for the very dead Theo.
Finally, the guns ran out of bullets and the two dropped them on the ground in a 'Drop Da Mic' fashion. Penguin grinned, "Who's the best bromance ever?!"
"NYGMOBBLEPOT!" the two sang together, before walking back out, sharing a long good laugh. Bullock, who spent the entire time eating popcorn, was now extremely lethargic and had to go to the bathroom. The Knife reached into Theo's pocket and got his bullet-riddled though still very valid $8.99. Bruce and Selina rejoiced in their defeat of the evil Silver St. Cloud and went home to share a hot cocoa. Alfred and the Knife got coffee and found out they were in the army together. They became good friends. Ed was arrested for being friends with Penguin, but he responded with, "Since when is friendship illegal?" and sang with Penguin into the horizon. The Order of St. Dumas disbanded, and all the monks were given movie roles. While escaping, Silver fell into a well near Wayne Manor, and Bruce spent a very awkward and conflicting few hours deciding if he should save her. Penguin reclaimed his criminal empire and helped Ed start his own criminal gang called the Que$tion MarkZ and he became a supervillain. The Knife, between his Italian food business and his business renting creepy warehouses to supervillains, made enough money to buy Barnes a robot suit, and now he patrols the streets of Gotham as the Eggsterminator. Finally, Lee got tired of Jim ignoring her and married Bullock. The end.
The cast stared down their scripts, and believe it or not, some were nodding in agreement.
"I really like the ending." Michael Chiklis smiled.
David nodded. "And the Knife character has some potential."
Jack smiled ear-to-ear, "It warms my heart to find people that know a good script when they see one."
"You know what, Jack?" Camren asked. "Why don't you come with us to Burger King after this? You're basically a part of this now, aren't you?"
Jack touched his heart warmly. "I really appreciate that. But first, how about we get to production on this-"
Suddenly, a team of security guards burst in and yelled, "We found you!"
"NO!" Ben shouted. "It's okay. He's allowed to be here."
The security team sighed, "Yeah, but he's also wanted for twenty-nine counts of theft, eighty-two counts of attempted murder, twenty-seven counts of illegal sales, thirteen counts of assault with a deadly weapon,"
"Hey!" Jack grinned. "I counted at least twenty or thirty of that last one. You guys are terrible at your jobs." He leapt on Harley's back and the two of them laughed maniacally as they bolted out the window and drove away into the sunset. The cast of Gotham was left reading through their scripts, debating on whether or not they should make the episode. It was a surprisingly tough debate.
Thanks for reading! Worse than a Crime is next! Wait until you see what should have happened in Ed's apartment!
