"Mister J! Mister J!" Harley yelled in the morning, running up to Jack's bedroom where the little maniac was sleeping in his bed. He was rolled up in his blanket and was falling asleep to the soothing sounds of plane crashes and maniacal laughing.

Harley shook the bed, but Jack wouldn't get up. She tried pulling the blanket off, but Jack jolted up and grabbed his giant green gun off the bedstand, pointing it at Harley.

"Mister J, don't shoot! It's me!" Harley yelled.

Jack sighed in anger and growled, "I told you not to wake me while I was dreaming about the show!"

"But that's why I woke you up! The hiatus is over and Gotham is back in production!"

Jack's eyes widened in excitement. After nearly three months of break, there were going to be new scripts for him to write and new villains to plague the city! He stood up and proudly declared, "Harley, tell the butler to get the car ready. We're going back to the studio."

"But the butler hates you!"

"That doesn't make him bad at getting cars! Now let me grab the script and we'll be on our way."


"What happened on the night of Theo Galavan's death?"

"Penguin knocked out Captain Barnes and left with Theo Galavan."

"What did you do after that?"

"I left town with my fiancé. Earlier that day, she told me she was pregnant."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"Your voice is getting louder."

"I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS, GOODBYE!"

TEN MINUTES LATER...

After hours of torturous waiting, Lee was finally greeted by Jim Gordon, and ran into him with open arms.

"I've been cleared of all charges." Jim sighed, trying his best to comfort his girlfriend. He knew that her getting stressed would upset the baby, and he didn't want that.

Lee laughed in relief and sighed, "I knew they would see sense."

"Yeah, but I don't think that everyone thinks so."

Lee looked confused. "Why not?"

Jim sighed, "Because Captain Barnes and DA Dent are watching us right now."

Lee looked up at the balcony above them and saw the police captain and the assistant district attorney wearing fake moustaches and masks. Barnes and Dent saw that Lee and Jim had noticed them and ducked under the balcony as quickly as possible.

"They saw us!" Dent gasped, trying to catch his breath.

Barnes scowled, ripping off his fake moustache. "My disguise was perfect."

"So was mine!" Dent whispered.

Barnes yelled, "You have literally half a mask on your face!" and slapped it off of Dent's face. And for those who think that's way too much campy easter-egging, the mask was on the top half of his face just above his nose. Anyway, Dent retaliated, and soon the two men were engaged in an epic slap fight while Lee and Jim ran away.

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

Officer Parks was just packing up after a long day of investigating abductions in the area, and was just about to go home when a man dressed entirely in black was loading something into an unmarked van in the middle of the night with a trail of blood behind him.

Eh, it didn't seem important. But then, Officer Parks' attention was brought to a man wearing a hoodie loading an ice cream truck in the middle of the night. That was extremely suspicious! No one ate ice cream at night!

"Hey, you!" Officer Parks yelled.

The man, whose name was Victor Fries, turned around and smiled at the officer. "Hello, detective."

"Do you live around the area?"

"Uh..." Victor stammered. "I used to. I moved."

"Would you open the back of the van please, sir?" Officer Parks asked, moving closer.

The jig was up. Victor knew that he wouldn't be able to keep up the lie. He smiled and let Officer Parks come closer to the van, but at the last second, he pushed her away and reached for the freeze gun inside. Officer Parks barely had time to get her gun before a beam of blue and white light blasted the policewoman, engulfing her in ice and freezing her from the inside out. When Victor took his finger off the trigger, Officer Rose had been completely frozen.

"Hey!" yelled a man. When Victor turned around, he saw the man from before dressed all in black and loading black cases into a black, unmarked van with a trail of blood behind him. "Do you want to switch vans?"

Two minutes later, Victor Fries drove off with his gruesome frozen bodies in a black, unmarked van, while the man that worked for the Gotham orchestra drove his amplifiers off to the philharmonic. Now he wouldn't have to cut his hand on the cases like last time.

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

"Good thing you're here." Bullock grinned, throwing Jim a file. He had just arrived in the precinct after a month of being gone, and Bullock wasn't happy about it.

"That's it?" Jim asked. "No 'welcome back'? No hello hug and kiss?"

"You don't deserve these lips." Bullock grinned. "Besides, the way I see it, you finagled yourself a month-long paid vacation. Good thing you're back, because we got a weird one. Some psycho froze a cop to death."

Jim nodded. "Right. So what really happened?"

"What do you mean?"

Jim sighed, "Remember last time you said that a victim was drowned in a grain silo so you could go on a vacation on the farm? Or when you said that a victim was killed in a club so that you could hang out with the Duchess of Worstershire? What, are you trying to go to Frozen on Ice now?"

Bullock scoffed, "... Ed has some evidence for us."

"You're avoiding the question."

"Hey, what ever happened to Galavan? You know, after you ditched me and I had to ride home with Alfred and Cat?"

"Uhh,"

"You're avoiding the question, now let's go and get this son of a bitch!"

Later, in the lab of Edward Nygma, Ed was feeling in a particularly grouchy mood because of the manhunt for his friend Oswald Cobblepot, and it didn't help that Bullock was also in a particularly colorful mood. Ed's first idea for getting rid of his unbridled rage was dipping a rose in liquid nitrogen, a super cold element used for freezing things quickly.

Jim and Bullock walked in, waiting for results, and were soon in with the idea that liquid nitrogen would take far too long to freeze a cop.

"Why would a cop just stand there waiting to be frozen?" Bullock asked.

"Please don't make that reference." Jim sighed.

Ed shook his head. "They wouldn't. They must have been using liquid helium. It's one of the most effective substances in the world for concealing objects in ice."

"Conceal don't feel?" Bullock asked again.

Jim snarled at him and turned back to Ed. "This liquid helium – where do you get it?"

"Why do you need it?" Ed asked.

Bullock laughed, "He doesn't, dummy. He just needs to find out who has it so we can find the guy that blasted our colleague with it!"

"I don't like to be called names." Ed demanded, his grip around the frozen rose tightening. Little pieces of rose petal were starting to break off.

"Easy, Ed." Jim said. "I'm sure Harvey was just being colorful."

Bullock laughed. "Yeah, Ed. Just let go of your anger. Just let it go."

"That's it." Jim growled. "One more frozen reference, and you're going to sit in the corner."

"Fine." Bullock grumped. "The cold never bothered me anyway."

"Liquid helium is very rare and expensive to make. If you'd like, I could look up manufacturers in Gotham." Ed said.

"Yes we would." Bullock grinned. "Thank you, Ed."

He left out of the coroner's office, while Jim stayed behind a brooded a bit. Ed knew this wasn't good.

Jim turned around and sighed at Ed, and Ed knew what was coming. He sighed and said, "You want to know the nature of my relationship with Mr. Cobblepot."

Jim was thinking about Penguin staying at Ed's apartment. "I wasn't going to call it a relationship, but..."

"I found Mr. Cobblepot injured and alone in the woods. I nursed him back to health. He owed me his life, which is why I believed him when he said he had changed his ways. Also, he briefly mentioned something about you killing Galavan or something, but I don't think that-"

"Well played, Nygma."

There was a rustling outside the coroner's office, and the sound of a yell that sounded strangely like Penguin's. Ed worriedly asked, "What in the world was that?" and Jim followed him out to find...

Captain Barnes was followed by two other cops, both looking gruff while dragging in the beaten, dirty body of Oswald Cobblepot. Ed's jaw dropped in surprise.

"Look! He did it!" Detective Alvarez yelled. "Captain Barnes caught Penguin!"

A few cops shot off confetti canons and everyone started cheering. Captain Barnes wasn't happy about it. They could see his scowl through the multi-coloured confetti flying through the air.

"QUIET!" he yelled, but none of the cops listened. Detective Cones started rolling out a banner, and Officers Candi and Velvet started waving their pompoms.

"WHY DID I HIRE POLICEWOMEN NAMED CANDI AND VELVET?!" Barnes demanded, while Lieutenant Armstrong opened a bottle of wine and the GCPD orchestra came in with their bass drums and trombones.

"WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF CHEERLEADERS?!" Barnes groaned, just as the cops started throwing roses at him and bringing in the chocolate fountain.

Then, Captain Barnes decided to do the logical thing and went out to the back where the Electrocutioner's generator was still plugged in. They should have unplugged it, but Captain Barnes kept it in for situations just like this one. He flipped the switch, and the entire precinct became electrified, knocking out every single cop in the building, so he could have some peace and quiet while putting Penguin in the slammer.

SHOT OF SKYLINE

Captain Barnes and the Penguin were sitting in the GCPD interrogation room, staring each other down. Penguin had a smug grin on his face. Barnes – not so much.

"Tell me what happened that night." Barnes demanded.

Penguin smirked, "What night?"

"That night."

"Oh, that night. I still have no idea what night we're talking about."

"The night where you knocked me out and kidnapped Galavan!"

"Oh, I get you. What about it?"

"WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT?!"

"I knocked you out and kidnapped Galavan."

"GAAAHHHH!" Captain Barnes took a few minutes to take some deep breaths and sit down to stare Penguin in the eyes. "Just tell me what Jim Gordon did that night."

"What night?"

"That night."

"Oh, that night. I still have no idea what night we're talking about."

"The night where Jim disappeared!"

"Oh, I get you. What about it?"

"WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT?!"

"Jim disappeared."

"YOU SON OF A-"

Penguin giggled hysterically. "Okay, okay. I'll tell you. But first, what did Jim say he did?"

"I'm asking you."

Penguin took a long, long pause to build up the suspense, and then finally told Barnes what happened that night.


"What is with the traffic today?!" Harley whined from the front seat of the limo. The butler refused to drive them, so Jack and Harley were forced to drive themselves. Unfortunately, they came late and were now stuck in heavy traffic while the light possibly an entire mile in front of them refused to change.

Jack growled, "If you had gotten here sooner, we would have beaten this traffic!"

"We had to get gas! And what was I supposed to do? Fill the tank, shoot the guy, and drive off?"

"What? That's a terrible idea! Get your head out of the sky, Harleen." Jack sighed, while simultaneously flipping off the traffic. "Who are these guys anyway?!"

"Hey, buddy!" yelled a man in a yellow taxi. "Keep it moving! Some of us have places to be!"

Jack turned around to see who was yelling at him, and it was the guy who played Captain Cold on The Flash, Wentworth Miller!

"Captain Cold?!" Jack gasped. "What are you doing, stuck in traffic?"

"Better question, why is he stuck in traffic in front of me?!" Yelled someone else. Jack leaned out of the car to see who it was behind Wentworth Miller and discovered that it was actually the guy who played Damian Darhk on Arrow, Neal McDonough!

"Damian Darhk?" Jack asked. "Why are these all CW people?! Come on, who here is from FOX?!"

"I'm from FOX." Said a mysterious villain sitting in a limo behind Jack's. The mysterious villain rolled down his window and said, "It's me, the villain of FOX's MasterChef and Multi-Michelin starred chef, Gordon Ramsay."

Jack, Neal McDonough, and Wentworth Miller all looked between each other and screamed in terror.


Jim was waiting anxiously in Captain Barnes' office. He knew what was happening. On one hand, Penguin could have lied for him and saved him, but on the other hand, Penguin could have told the truth and Jim would be massively screwed. The only thing Jim was thinking was, damn, I should have gone to his opening party. I should have gave him those files. I shouldn't have cuffed him to the pipe. I should have believed him about his mom. I am a terrible friend. Are we friends? Maybe... more than friends?

Then, Captain Barnes came in. Jim stood up and looked him down, and Barnes stared back.

"Cobblepot backed your story." Barnes said hesitantly. "He also mentioned something about how you should have gone to his nightclub opening party or something."

Wow. Jim thought. I did literally no good things for Penguin, and yet he somewhat uncharacteristically lied for me! I should really be nicer to that little maniac.

Captain Barnes held out his hand and Jim shook his head, "Yeah, no. I'm not doing that thing."

"What?"

"We're not doing that chest bump thing that frat boys do, goodbye."

SHOT OF SKYLINE (I HAVEN'T WRITTEN THIS IN A WHILE, IT'S TOO SOON FOR PUNS)

It was Arkham Asylum, and everyone was staring at the new inmate that was limping in, Oswald Cobblepot. He was in the prison uniform and stared at the inmates, half of which he was responsible for landing in Arkham. The entire place was silent.

Suddenly, the silence was broken when an inmate threw a plate of food straight at Penguin's head, and Penguin knew it was time to establish himself as a player. It was just like being King of Gotham again.

He hopped up on a table and yelled, "My name is Oswald Cobblepot, and I am not a man to be trifled with. I am dangerous. I am VICIOUS! I'm King of Goth-"

"I don't like this show!" yelled an inmate and threw a cake at Penguin.

Penguin sighed and hopped off the table before noticing a few guards running off with a bald man with a fake chinstrap beard. Penguin leaned close to an intelligent-looking inmate and asked, "Who's that?"

"Over there?" The inmate laughed. "Evil takes a human form in Hugo Strange. He's the queen bee – the star – and those two guards are just the little workers."

"Hugo Strange." Another inmate sighed. "How do I even begin to explain Hugo Strange?"

"Hugo Strange is flawless!" a girl inmate sighed dreamily.

Another prisoner raised his hand. "He has a million dollar mansion and a brand new Prius."

"I hear his beard is insured for ten thousand dollars!"

"I heard he does book signings. In Metropolis!"

"His favorite movie is The Notebook."

"One time he met Hilary Clinton on a plane – and she told him he was bald!"

"One time, he experimented on me." Said an inmate whose eyes had been completely scratched out of his head, making Penguin and all the other inmates stare in horror and fear. "And it was awesome!"

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

A man by the name of Victor Fries walked into a normal pharmacy on the front of the street. He needed a refill of medical drugs for... his wife.

He looked over by the bench where someone was buying painkillers from a nice-looking old lady.

"Here you go, sir." The nice lady smiled. "I sincerely hope that you get better, and if you have any problems, please come back and I'll fix it right away. Oh, and I left you a little surprise on the receipt."

The man walked away with the painkillers and showed Victor the smiley face the lady drew on the receipt. Victor smiled at how nice the lady was and excitedly stepped up to the bench.

"Hello, Ma'am." Victor smiled. "I would like a refill of-"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir, but I have to go take care of a terribly sick child in the back. Don't worry, though, Mr. Woodley will be here in no time to give you whatever you need." The lady said, before disappearing into the back.

That's okay. Victor thought. Mr. Woodley must be just as nice as this lady.

Then, the new guy came out of the back with mustard on his shirt and a button that said, 'I hate my job'. He spilled over a bucket of drugs, stared at Victor and growled, "What do you want?"

"May I have a refill of formoterol?" Victor asked.

Mr. Woodley glared at the man and just kept counting some coins.

"Why are you counting those coins?" Victor asked. "They're still in the roll."

Mr. Woodley started counting the coins slower. Then, he looked up and asked, "May I help you?"

"Formoterol."

"Do you have the prescription?"

"I have the bottle."

"That's not the same thing, is it?"

Victor sighed, "Just refill it."

"No."

"Refill it."

"No."

"Refill it."

"No."

"There's a guy trying to steal stuff from the back."

"OMG WHERE?!"

Mr. Woodley turned around, and Victor attempted to sneak some formoterol from the counter when Mr. Woodley turned back with an upset growl.

Victor threw the bottle as hard as he could at Mr. Woodley and yelled, "I'll be back!"

"Was that an Arny reference?"

"Hasta la vista baby!"

TWO HOURS LATER...

"SURPRISE MOTHER F*****S!" yelled Mr. Freeze, jumping into the pharmacy and blasting Mr. Woodley with his freeze gun, covering the man in ice and making him fall to the ground.

SHOT OF SKYLINE

Penguin was being dragged to therapy with Professor Hugo Strange, and he wasn't happy about it. Professor Strange was waiting in his office for Penguin to come in, and Penguin was finally thrown into the office, the door closed behind him.

"I'm taking your tea." Penguin growled, limping over to the window and pouring himself some tea.

"Fine." Professor Strange said. "But that's gasoline."

Penguin's eyes widened as he spit out the tea as quickly as he could.

"Just kidding." Strange said. "But we do have some things to talk about. You must be feeling deep emotional pain. Regret, even."

"What would I regret?"

"Not killing Theo Galavan."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW I DIDN'T KILL GALAVAN?!"

"Please, there was a bullet in his brain, and you had a baseball bat and an umbrella. I'm not stupid. I'm actually surprised that more people haven't figured it out."

Penguin nodded. "Well did you figure out who actually killed Galavan?"

Professor Strange sighed, "Gosh, Penguin, we're not frickin' stupid. Jim Gordon was the only other person in the room when you disappeared, you disappeared at the same time, he was the only one in the district with a gun, come on. It's obvious the person who killed Galavan is..."

SHOT OF SKYLINE

Jim Gordon had tracked down the man who was freezing people from the name on the prescription bottle that was left at the pharmacy, Nora Fries. He had found the house and was invading the inside for investigation, and was bringing Nora, the wife of the freezing man, into police custody. Meanwhile, Officers Hong and Daniels were standing outside next to a police car waiting for Gordon to finish.

"Hey, Officer Daniels!" Officer Hong grinned. "It's been a while, how are you doing?"

"It's going great, hey how are the kids?"

Officer Hong laughed, "Ah, little Georgia turned five just a week ago!"

"Hey, that's fantastic! Congratulations, I'm gonna have to visit someday. Georgia hasn't seen her uncle Daniels in a while, right?"

"Come by whenever you want, dude."

"Hey, thanks bro." Officer Daniels said. "Hey, what's the deal with this house?"

"I know, right? Gordon says the guy who's been freezing people lives here. They're taking his wife into custody."

"Man, this city is weird. Yo, remember when Gordon arrested the circus?"

"Ha! Yo, man, that was sick." Officer Hong sighed. "Hey, wait. There's a dude staring at Gordon and Nora all concerned-like."

"Where?"

"Over there, man. In the bushes. The guy wearing all black?"

"Oh, yeah, I see him now. What's he yelling?"

Officer Hong cupped his ear. "I think he's yelling, 'Nora'."

"Oh. Should we do something about it?"

"Nah, that could be any random kook wearing all black standing outside the house of a convicted murderer and yelling the name of the felon's wife. Gordon's gonna thank us for not worrying him."

Officer Daniels thought for a while. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

SHOT OF SKYLINE

A few hours later in the GCPD precinct, Gordon and Bullock were trying to get information out of Nora Fries in the interrogation room, but so far, they were getting nothing. Ed was doing reports on the frozen bodies that they recovered in the M.E. lab, but he too was getting nowhere. Meanwhile, Detective Alvarez was running around the precinct when a man named Victor came up and tapped him on the shoulder.

"I'd like to see Detective Jim Gordon." Victor said.

"This is bad." Alvarez sighed. "No one ever wants to see Jim unless they're from the circus or a mutant lizard or convicted of six or more major crimes."

Victor sighed, "I'm the man who's been freezing people."

"Yep, that's it. Take a seat over there."

"You sure? You don't want to lock me in the cell or something so I can't escape?"

"Eh, whatever." Alvarez said, and went to go call Jim. Although, suddenly...

"Detective Jim Gordon!" yelled Captain Barnes, stepping out from his office and letting the entire precinct hear. "You are under investigation for the murder of Theo Galavan!"

"Gordon's not here." Alvarez said. "He's in the back interrogating Nora Fries."

"Dammit!" Barnes growled. "Why do I keep yelling things over a balcony?!"

As a side effect of the balcony yelling, Victor Fries just happened to over hear that his wife was being held in the interrogation room. It was time to get his freeze gun.

MEANWHILE, IN THE INTERROGATION ROOM...

"He told me they were mice." Nora Fries shuddered, still thinking about the frozen men in the cryo-chambers in her own basement.

Bullock nodded. "I see. So, what was preventing you from entering your own basement before?"

"There are monsters in the basement." Nora said. "Actually, that was kind of true..."

"Totally." Jim said. "Now tell us where your husband is."

"I can't. He did terrible things, but he did those things for me. I can't betray him."

"GUESS WHO'S HERE B****ES!" Victor yelled suddenly, busting the door down and jumping in with his freeze gun, freezing the ceiling so that it snowed in the room. "Now give me my wife."

"Why?" Jim asked.

Victor sighed, "So I can find a cure for her condition. She's sick, and she's dying and the only way I can save her is by experimenting on my frozen people to find a reanimation formula. I have to freeze her so I can reanimate her when they find a cure."

"Wait." Bullock said. "Why don't you just experiment on people who are already dead using funds from the city? I mean, it's legal to fund medical experiments, and you can't tell us that the people stay alive while they're frozen. It's just preservation, right?"

"What's this... legal you speak of?" Victor asked, and started to power up his freeze gun, just about to blast Jim and Bullock, just when Bullock shot him in the leg and he fell to the ground. Jim took away his freeze gun.

"Harvey," Jim sighed, "Why'd you shoot him?"

Bullock shrugged, "Well, he had a freeze gun and I had bullets. A freeze gun takes a long time to load and an even longer time to do any damage. I think it's probably even less effective than a normal gun, so there's absolutely no reason that he should be able to beat a dozen cops armed with guns."

Jim sighed, "I guess so. I still don't get how this dude developed a freeze gun and fully-functioning cryo-chambers."

"Yeah." Bullock said. "With all that money, you could have just hired a scientist to find an actual cure for the condition."

"I was trying to save my wife!" Victor yelled.

Victor Fries was taken to custody and was sent to Arkham Asylum the day after. His freeze gun and chambers were sold to the international climate change organization for over five billion dollars, which was used to solve global warming and find a cure for Nora Fries. Nora Fries then went on to have a role in Frozen 2. Penguin used his conniving skills in Arkham which he did not forget to use for some reason and talked Professor Strange into pursuing his dream of becoming a broadway star, leaving Penguin happy and safe in Arkham. Butch and Tabitha became Gotham's number one OTP and have a reality show together. Finally, Bruce and Alfred are in Switzerland where they are eating chocolate and cheese and playing badminton (which is really good practise for throwing batarangs.)


"Guys, I'm here!" Jack yelled, bursting through the door as the wide-eyed cast of Gotham stared at him, already at the end of the scripts they were holding.

"You're late." Ben Mckenzie said. "We just finished the reading."

"Oh." Jack sighed, extremely disappointed with himself. "Okay, I'll just go."

"You didn't let me finish." Ben said. "We just finished the reading of the old, terrible script and we're ready to see the craziness that you brought to the table!"

Suddenly, Jack's eyes filled with tears of joy. "You guys make me so happy! Okay, let's start at page one, on which Harvey Dent says..."

Next parody will be 'Mad Grey Dawn'! Bruce enjoys the pain, they just confirmed it!