Into the Woods parody! I would further like to express that the actions of the real cast of Gotham in no way reflect my opinions of any of them. Although I would love to, I honestly don't know any of them, so their actions in this are purely based on the needs of the story. I'm saying this because... just read.

Jack was really tired since it was only morning, and when he walked into the reading room with his morning espresso and his morning shadow, he noticed David Mazouz and Ben Mckenzie standing there alone, waiting.

"Hey, Jack." Ben said. "We have bad news."

Jack laughed, "What do you mean, where's the rest of the cast?"

David sighed, "That's what we mean. The cast is gone. We don't know where they went. But whoever took them left a note."

Jack took the note and carefully read it. It said, "This has gone far enough. If you want the cast back, leave the studio and never come back. Signed, BHDC."

"Who's BHDC?" Jack asked.


"You little punks! Don't you take that bag!"

Across the rooftops of Gotham city, a crook was trying to catch his breath while running as fast as he could, trying to catch up with the two kids that robbed him. One Selina Kyle, and one very thrilled Bruce Wayne.

Soon, Bruce and Cat had jumped across the building to the roof of an apartment, one that the crook couldn't possibly reach. Soon, he was catching his breath and angrily shaking his fists while the street thief and the young billionaire were counting their money on the other side.

"That's my money!" the crook screamed, red in the face.

Cat sneered, "Boo-hoo, you stole it. Now you got stole, chump!"

"Oh, I catch you – you're dead! Both of you!"

Bruce laughed, "By the way, you're a terrible crook – letting two kids rob you, you don't deserve this money." Bruce then grabbed a handful of the cash from the bag and threw it to the streets below, only making the crook angrier. But Cat was getting pretty pissed too.

"Hey!" The crook screamed at the top of his lungs. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"What the hell are you doing?" Cat hissed, pushing Bruce to the side and grabbing the money out of his hands. "You can't just throw out our money like that."

"..." said Bruce.

"You throw it out like this!" Cat made a fan with the money and made it rain all over the streets like Yeezy as the crook screamed and cried.

"STOP THROWING OUT MY MONEY!" the crook bawled as Bruce bent over, turned around, and started throwing the money over his back like a gopher digging a hole in the ground.

"I'M GONNA BE BROKE, STOP THAT!" the crook begged as Cat made the money into a flower and started ripping off petals and throwing them on the street while saying, "He loves me, he totally loves me, he loves me, he totally loves me,"

"WHHHHYYYYYYYYY..." the crook sobbed as he rolled up into a little ball and started crying. Meanwhile, Bruce and Cat were replicating the scene from Titanic by standing at the edge of the building and yelling, "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD" while money blew in their faces and onto the streets.

(ALTERNATE ENDING TO SCENE)

"You little punks! Don't you take that bag!"

Across the rooftops of Gotham city, a crook was trying to catch his breath while running as fast as he could, trying to catch up with the two kids that robbed him. One Selina Kyle, and one very thrilled Bruce Wayne.

The crook

The crook yelled at the top of his lungs, "That was supposed to be for Martha!"

Bruce stopped and turned around, "Why did you say that name?"

The crook sighed, "Martha's my mother."

"Okay, Selina, drop the bag."

(OKAY, I GET TO MAKE ONE MARTHA JOKE. COME ON, IF I DIDN'T DO IT, YOU ALL WOULD HAVE DONE IT IN THE REVIEWS)

"I've been going over and over this a thousand times in my mind." Jim sighed. He was in Bullock's apartment trying to solve the mystery of his framing while Bullock pretended to understand. "It all has to be connected – the theft at the art museum, the bombing at the train station, the IA tipoff, Pinkney's murder – it's all part of an elaborate frame."

Bullock nodded, "So he's smart, meticulous, got technical access – an active cop?"

"It has to be. It's the only way he could have access to the crowbar after it was put into evidence."

"That doesn't exactly narrow the suspect list too much. Literally all the cops hate you. Alvarez, McKinney, even Barnes has a reason to get you fired."

"I get it." Jim sighed. "Harvey Dent once told me that IA secretly records all their incoming calls on tape. They assumed it was Pinkney, so there would be a tape with his voice on it."

"That's a hell of a long shot, brother." Bullock said. "If a tape like that exists, it'll be locked up tighter than a duck's ass."

Jim frowned, "Wait, why was that the first metaphor that came to mind?"

"But if it is, I have a way to crack it open."

"OMG WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THAT DUCK FROM THE POND?"

(TWO HOURS LATER)

Bullock strolled into the Internal Affair's office at GCPD and winked at Mrs. Vandertramp, the lady who ran it.

"Hey, Mrs. Vandertramp." Bullock grinned, trying to look attractive. "You ready to get it on for your animal, Bullock?"

Mrs. Vandertramp thought for a while and smirked, "Actually, where's your friend Jim? He's a hunky piece of dude sandwich!"

Oh crap. Thought Jim, who was hiding behind the door. Bullock smiled and walked back to Jim with a smug smile on his face and grinned, "How badly do you want to solve the Wayne case?"

Jim growled, "Bruce had better appreciate this." And went out to spend a night with Mrs. Vandertramp."

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

Penguin was at the funeral of his father, the late Elijah Van Dahl, with his stepmother Grace and his stepsiblings Charles and Sasha. Those three weren't quite as broken up about it as Oswald. While he was at the coffin saying his last goodbyes, they were texting each other and posting a Facebook status that said, 'At Funeral, father just died, trying to get a thousand likes'.

Suddenly, Penguin jumped into the arms of his stepmother and sobbed, "He loved us so much!"

Grace didn't share his sentiments. She pulled Oswald off of herself and said, "As devastated as we all are, we have to talk practicalities. Should I call you a cab, or will you take the bus?"

"Wh-What?" Penguin asked.

Grace laughed, "Well you're not staying with us. Elijah left the estate to me and I'm just not comfortable sleeping under the same roof as a notorious murderer."

"B-But I'm not like that anymore! I couldn't hurt a fly even if I wanted to!"

Grace scoffed, "You killed over sixty people that we know of."

"Most of them were mobsters, if that helps."

"And ruling an entire criminal underground, does that help?"

"It's good work experience."

"You blew up a warehouse and killed every single person inside!"

"It was April Fool's day! Please, just give me another chance, I'll do anything!"

Grace thought for a long time. "Well, we do need some help around the house."

Penguin nodded with joy and limped away while Charles and Sasha gasped and huddled with their mother. "You're not serious, are you?"

Grace shrugged, "With the right lawyer, he could make things difficult for us. Especially if they looked into how he died. Eventually, grief will overcome Oswald and he'll take his own life, until then, we have a free servant. We can fire the maid."

"Oh, like that fairy tale!" Charles said. "It was like... Snow White or Pocahontas or something?"

Sasha sighed, "Cinderella."

Charles nodded, "Right. Wait, didn't the stepsiblings die at the end of that?"

"Shut up, Charles." Grace said.


Jack, Ben, and David had been searching for hours for the cast of Gotham, but they were nowhere to be found. They had searched all their homes, all the studios, every set, and still nothing. They were all about to give up.

"Whoever BHDC is, they're clever." Jack sneered. "But no one will stop me from finding the cast!"

David sighed, "Wait... I have an idea. What if BHDC isn't a name? What if it's a clue?"

Ben nodded, "You might be onto something, David. Okay... maybe the DC stands for DC comics?"

Jack shrugged, "Okay, what does BH stand for then?"

David took out his phone and googled it, and the first thing that came up was B&H Photo and Video, a company based in... New York City! The exact same city that Gotham was filmed in!

"So it's the photo and video company for DC comics?" Jack asked. "That can only mean one thing. It's the DCEU!"

"The DCEU?" Ben asked.

David nodded. "The DC Extended Universe that created all those movies like Batman V Superman, Man of Steel, you know. They must be planning on offing all of the DC TV shows to steal the rights for their movies! We have to do something!"

"They're probably being held at B&H studios downtown. I'll drive." Ben said.


Jim Gordon was knocking on the door of Ed's apartment, and as soon as the door opened, Jim smiled sweetly, "Hi, Ed."

"AH!" Ed shrieked like a little girl. "Please don't hurt me! I'm so young and scared and I already bought my green suit! You know how hard it is to find a green suit?"

"I'm not gonna hurt you, Ed." Jim said. "I need your help. I didn't kill Pinkney, you have to believe me!"

Ed nodded, "Yeah, I do."

Jim smiled, "I need to find the man who framed me. Whoever it was, he covered his tracks well, but I have something. I stole a recording of his call to IA. They secretly record everyone who calls in."

Mental note, Ed thought, Murder IA. "And what did you hear?"

"Not much. They disguised their voice, but there are other sounds on the tape. You work with audio, so I was hoping you could help me."

Ed smiled, "Jim, my friend, you've come to the right place. I'll have my butler make us some tea."

"Your butler?" Jim asked.

Then, Alfred came around the corner with a piping kettle and scowled, "In case you didn't know, Master Bruce has lost his mind, his belongings, and most likely by this point, his virginity and is living on the streets with Miss Kyle. I tried making tea for Mr. Fox, but it's not the same."

Ed whispered, "Please help me. He's been ironing my clothes and making me sit up straight and making sure I wash behind my ears and it's freaking me out."

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

Penguin was standing by the kitchen table in the Van Dahl's mansion while Grace was testing some of his goulash. She wasn't impressed.

"Hmmm." Grace sneered. "Well, let's pray Helga hasn't signed on anywhere new yet."

Penguin sighed, "It's a family recipe. I'm sorry you don't like it, I'm sure my cooking will improve over time."

Meanwhile, Charles was eating up the goulash hungrily. "It's not that bad."

"Shut up, Charles." Sasha said.

Grace sighed, "I want you to go to the market and buy a nice roast for Sunday dinner. Not your slut mother's goulash. And clean up the dishes. I can't stand the sight of dirty dishes. And bring Charles and Sasha's laundry. And wash the car. And run a bath. And mop up the floor."

"You don't have a mop." Penguin said.

Grace laughed, "Not with a mop. Mop the floor with a sponge and a bucket of water while singing to yourself."

Penguin nodded and went to go get the sponge. Meanwhile, Charles asked, "Are you sure you don't want to get rid of the pumpkins in the backyard just in case?"

"Shut up, Charles." Sasha and Grace said at the same time.

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

Sitting at the kitchen table at Ed's apartment while Alfred was getting tea, Jim and Ed were ready to play back the tape after Ed had been reluctantly tweaking the audio for hours. Hopefully, Ed didn't do too good a job, but just in case, he had a backup plan.

"So... you think that the incredibly handsome and smart guy who killed Pinkney and framed you was the same incredibly handsome and smart guy who bombed the train station?" Ed asked.

"I think Loeb was behind it. He still has lackeys in the GCPD, and all the signs point to a cop or someone with access."

Ed nodded. "You don't think Loeb killed Pinkney himself?"

Jim shook his head. "No, he hired a psychopath to do it. An ugly, stupid psychopath."

Ed's left eye twitched. "Psychopath seems like a strong word."

"He bludgeoned a man to death in cold blood with a crowbar. Nope, I think psychopath is the right word. An unattractive one with bad teeth and a terrible personality that I wouldn't want to be friends with under any circumstance whatsoever."

"I WOULDN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR MOM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE WHATSOEVER!" Ed yelled, before calming down and hearing the tape in his editing machine click. "Let's have a listen, shall we?"

Then, it started. A distorted voice said, "I want to report a crime. I saw Detective James Gordon shooting Mayor Theo Galavan at the docks. It was very cold. Penguin was beating Galavan with a bat, but it was Gordon who pulled the trigger. It was complete darkness, which I should not have mentioned because... OW! Just stubbed my toe on my desk, I'm in pain, I'm in soooo much pain, I – oh, I'm about to fall over, Jim Gordon pulled the – AAAHHH!"

Then, there was the sound of a cuckoo clock going off... exactly like the one in Ed's apartment. Jim whipped out his gun and aimed it at the green-suited psycho. "I know it was you, Ed."

Ed grinned, "What's orange and sounds like a parrot?"

"What?"

"A CARROT!" Ed yelled, before pulling a drawstring connected to the roof and raining down two hundred pounds of carrots onto Jim Gordon, knocking him unconscious.

"Really, Nygma?" Alfred asked from around the corner. He didn't see what happened. "Carrots?"

"Do you know how hard it is to both create a deathtrap and a corresponding riddle?"

"You could have just been like 'What question can you never answer yes to?' and then just did anything as long as he ended up unconscious!"

"That would have been a nice thing to say before I bought all these carrots!" Ed sighed, shaking his head. "Hey, Alfred, can I have your opinion on something?"

"Of course, Mr. Nygma."

"If you had knocked out your nemesis and he was lying on the floor of your apartment, would you just kill him while he was unconscious, or drag him out to the woods and bury him, giving him ample time to wake up and escape but asserting your position as better than him?"

"With all due respect, Mr. Nygma, I'd like to be left out of this."

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

"Over the alley and through the woods to grandmother's house we go," Ed sung. "With a corncob hat and a button nose and Jack fell down and broke his crown and why am I singing right now?" He was dragging Jim's unconscious body to the trunk of his car and was at the back of the garage when he suddenly thought to himself, "Now, should I turn my back on Jim for no reason to open the trunk? What am I saying, of course I should!"

And then Jim got away...

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

"Again?!" Selina sighed. She was talking on her phone to Bruce while walking to the hideout. "Did you try jiggling the handle? Well what did you put down it?!"

Bruce sighed over the phone, "Where's the spicy mustard? You better not have finished – ah! Never mind."

Selina opened the door of the hideout and went inside to find Bruce wearing an apron and doing some dishes. She dropped her bags on the floor weirded out and said, "Ooookay, where's my jacket?"

Bruce turned around and handed her the black leather jacket. "I stitched up the tear on the sleeve. Alfred says it's a good skill for young bachelors to know."

"Ummm..." Selina said. "And what's this whole situation?"

Bruce looked at the potted flowers he put into the hideout and smiled, "Oh, aren't they nice? They really brighten up the room."

Then, the door opened again, and Jim limped into the hideout, dripping blood behind him. "I found the man who framed me, he was..."

Then, he passed out on the couch. Which Selina didn't like.

"Darn, now I have to call my cop removal guy again."

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

"Don't forget the cherries, Oswald!" Grace yelled. Back at the Van Dahl mansion, Penguin was trying to prepare a drink for his wicked stepmother and suddenly realized he was out of cherries. He frantically looked around and couldn't find any when Charles and Sasha screamed, "Don't forget the roast!"

Then, all of a sudden, a flashing light appeared. Penguin's jaw dropped open when the image of his mother and father appeared with a ghostly glow in the middle of the room.

"Hello, Oswald." Gertrud's ghost said. "It's so good to see you again. Poor Oswald, you've been through so much!"

Penguin stuttered, "M-Mother? How?"

"We're together again, Oswald." Elijah's ghost said. "I'm with your mother again. We're finally happy."

"Wow." Penguin smiled. "That's amazing. I'm so glad that you're together again."

Gertrud's ghost smiled, her arm around the ghost of her husband. "And now, we have one last duty on this earth, and that is to give you one final wish. Wish for anything your heart could desire, and it will be yours."

Penguin gasped, "I-I don't know what to say. I suppose the only thing I could wish for would be... cherries for Grace's drink."

Elijah sighed, "Oswald, we know who you truly are. We know what you used to be, and who you desperately want to return to being. Just say the word, and you can be evil again."

"No, I'm good with the cherries."

Gertrud shook her head. "It's okay, Oswald. No matter what you do, you'll always be our son. We know you love us, but you have to let us go. Go ahead. Become evil again. Be the king of Gotham again."

"Nah, I just want cherries."

"This nicer you is making us sick, you're turning evil again."

The ghosts snapped their fingers, and with a flash of light, Oswald's eyes flashed, and he officially turned evil again, which felt pretty good.

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

Jim was beginning to wake up, and he discovered that he was in Wayne Manor. His vision was still blurry, but he was lying on the couch and saw someone standing over him.

"Right now, you're in a place between life and death. You have a choice to make. You could come with me to the land above all lands and solve crimes for the angels, or you could fight harder than you ever have in your entire life and return to earth and right all the wrongs you still have to-"

"For goodness sakes, get off him, Miss Kyle." Alfred yelled, pushing the street thief off of Jim. "Ah, Detective Gordon. Glad to see you're awake. Master Bruce, would you get his clothes from the laundry room?"

Bruce went to go get the clothes while Jim sat up. He groaned, "How long as Bruce been living on the streets with Selina Kyle?"

"Oh, I don't know, let me go check my paycheque that – oh wait, I haven't had one for three weeks. Good thing Master Bruce left his credit card."

Jim told Alfred the entire story. Everything about Ed knocking him out and framing him for murder and bombing the train station, and Alfred didn't understand one bit of it. "Ed was right about one thing. I can't go to the cops. I need hard evidence. I need to find Kristen Kringle's body."

Alfred nodded. "And you think he's just going to straight-up tell you?"

Jim nodded, "You're right. We need help – someone Captain Barnes knows will betray me."

Alfred and Jim thought for a long time, and both of them turned to look at Selina at the same time.

Selina was in the middle of eating a bagel when she turned around very slowly, grabbed a guitar from the corner and started singing, "My name is NO, my sign is NO, my number is NO, nah-to-the-ah-to-the NO NO NO!"

"How much money?" Alfred asked.

Selina sighed, "If I wanted your cash, I'd move to jolly ol' England and sell crumpets to the queen. What else you got?"

"Bruce can spend weekends and evenings with you on the streets." Jim said.

"I've been sneaking into his room every night for the last two years and going all Paper Towns on his ass."

Alfred sighed, "I'll throw out all of Master Bruce's clothes and replace them with black leather."

AN HOUR LATER...

"I have information on the whereabouts of Jim Gordon!" Selina yelled, walking into the precinct. "He said he's gone to find Penguin and locate the body!"

"Oh Sh**." Ed gasped, running to go get his shovel.

(SHOT OF SKYLINE)

Deep into the snowy woods outside of Gotham, Ed had located the very spot where he buried Kristen's body before and was digging up the body while talking to himself again and panting. "Hi, Kristen. I bet you didn't expect to see me again, but I'm gonna have to move you."

Then, there was a rustling. Ed pulled out a handgun and aimed it straight at the disturbance, where he found Jim Gordon walking out with his hands up.

"So you did find Penguin!" Ed laughed evilly. "And that little bird sang."

"No." Jim said. "I just followed you."

Ed sighed in realization. "You fed information to the little miscreant! Or no, you were in cahoots!"

"Yes, I was. And it wasn't easy."

MEANWHILE, BACK AT WAYNE MANOR...

"Come on out, Bruce! Let's see you in your new leather – ooh mama, that's hot."

"THIS LEATHER IS CHAFING EVERYTHING!"

BACK IN THE WOODS...

"Bravo, Jim." Ed laughed, the gun still pointed at his enemy. "I'd clap, but I have your gun in my hand."

"Why?" Jim asked. "What made you become this way?"

Ed grinned, "Well, let me tell you my entire evil plan right from the beginning when I killed Kristen Kringle," and then Ed told Jim his entire evil plan like any good supervillain with a complicated plot. "And that's my entire evil plan! Now how about one last riddle for old time's sake? My... last letter is an H and I... make you die and I have... the answer's death, I can't just come up with this on the spot!"

"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" Yelled Captain Barnes. Suddenly, the woods were filled with a SWAT team with their guns all pointed at Ed. Barnes ran in with a gun straight at Ed's head.

"Captain Barnes!" Ed gasped. "I-I was trying to arrest Jim! I saw him in the woods and-"

"Well why did you have a shovel?"

"I was... shovelling?"

And then Barnes hit Ed on the head with the back of his gun and knocked him out, ready to send him to Arkham Asylum.

Back at the Van Dahl manor, a guy knocked on the door with a glass slipper in hand. It turned out to be a tax collector who stabbed Grace with it, and on her last dying breath, she yelled, "Shut up, Charles!" Ed got sent to Arkham and lived out his dream of pissing off criminals with his riddles. Selina helped Bruce apply the chafe cream, and it turned out okay. Basically, everything turned out happily ever after.


Jack, Ben, and David were just approaching the B&H Warehouse with baseball bats, ready to save the lives of their cast mates from the evil film companies. Jack took the first step inside and Ben turned on the lights to find the cast of Gotham tied up and locked in cells while an evil madman with his back turned laughed hysterically.

"Show yourself!" Jack yelled. "Who do you think you – what?"

The man in the white suit turned around, revealing the evil grinning face of Gotham showrunner and producer, Bruno Heller!

"You found me, Jack. Good." He said. "Then you know that you need to get out of my studio!"

"We thought you were the DCEU!" David said. "We thought BHDC was the name of this studio and DC comics."

"No, it stands for Danny Cannon and Bruno Heller." Bruno said. "Where the heck did you get that from?"

"Hey, look over there!" Ben said, pointing to something above Bruno's head. Bruno looked away, and Jack and David undid the locks on the cells, allowing the cast to escape. Sean Pertwee and Cory Michael Smith jumped on Bruno, pushing him to the floor while Robin Lord Taylor threw a rock at the evil showrunner.

"Why did you do it?" Jack asked. "Why kidnap my cast?"

"Because they're MY CAST!" Bruno yelled. "You stole them from me and took over the show, and now I have to get them back, even if it means kidnapping!"

Jack laughed. "Come on, cast. Let's go film an episode." And they all walked away while Bruno shook his fist and yelled, "I'll get you, Jack Kerr! If it's the last thing I do!"